ShayKay Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 I have been married for six months, and I am planning to leave my husband as soon as possible. I have been in a relationship with him for eight years. We were married last fall. He has always exhibited narcissistic behaviors such as gaslighting, lack of empathy, and deflection. He is in law enforcement and highly respected; everyone thinks he is a great guy publicly. He is a master manipulator and hones his craft by reading books such as the Laws of Power, etc. on how to always have the upper hand with people. Everything is fine until I express my feelings or disagree with him, then he gets nasty. We have only lived together for 6 weeks as we maintained separate residences for space reasons (we have 3 young adult children-2 have their own places now). I moved into the home he owned with reservations already as I have always lived independently. We had a minor argument which escalated to him screaming that this was HIS house, and I should remember that. I responded that’s the first and last time you’ll say that to me. I will leave your home. He proceeded to curse me and call me explicit derogatory names and berate me and ...I mean really crass and disgusting things (Fat b*tch, s*ck his d*ck(???!). All completely inexplicable and out of nowhere he's spewing this rage and bile at me. Just explosive, unrelated to anything we were talking about and disgusting. He got close in my face, almost headbutting me while gritting his teeth in this scary way..almost growling if I had to describe it. Physical violence is not typical, but he did break my nose with such force he broke his hand- three years ago during an argument. One of my young adult stepsons and his girlfriend were home as well as my young adult daughter who resides in the apt upstairs . I’ve never felt more humiliated and disgusted. We’ve only been living together for a few weeks, and I regret coming here. I have started searching for an apartment and hope to be gone within a few weeks. There have been times where I have seriously tried to leave before during the earlier days of our relationship, and he would call and imply suicidal thoughts. He would say his elderly mother or one of my stepsons was ill or hurt. Or some other tactic, and eventually I would start speaking to him and get back in the relationship. Any advice, thoughts, or tips on getting and staying out is so appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 He broke his hand on your nose previously and can spew venom at you. My love, you are in a situation of domestic violence. Please call a domestic violence hotline and get some ongoing support and advice from them. In the meantime, start getting your ducks in a row. Make sure you have access to your own money and work out which things you need to take with you when you go. Plan plan plan. Do you have money for a lawyer at this point? If you were to leave tomorrow, is there anywhere you can stay? And please, keep a line open with us too. We are here for you. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 1 hour ago, ShayKay said: I have started searching for an apartment and hope to be gone within a few weeks. What concerns us is just where you're going to be a few weeks after that. It sounds like you need to BOLT and literally HIDE. (there is no overdoing it in your equation) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShayKay Posted May 6, 2020 Author Share Posted May 6, 2020 Thank you so much for your replies and thoughts. I have recognized it as abuse. I think that one of the key factors in recognizing that was for me was that it happened while our children were home or in earshot and I would never want them to mistake what they heard to be anything other than abuse and absolutely wrong. It may sound crazy to some of you but even when he broke my nose, I saw it as an isolated incodent, a one off. I even blamed myself somehow. After this latest incident, i actualy did call our city's Domestic Violence hotline to see if emergency temporary housing would be an option, but that didnt work out. They had no specific beds in DV shelters available but offered for me to go to a general homeless womens shelter intake site which I was very scared to do. I dont have minor children so my priority seemed to be lessened as well. He has to still report to work a few days a week so I plan on moving out while he is at work. One of the most confusing things is he is actually acting as if he is mad at me....quiet, sullen, ...which blows my mind when he didsuch a horrendous thing to me. Its a good thing because I dont feel forced to talk to him if hes like this and I can spend my remaining days that I have to cohabitate with him in silence. One factor thats worrisome is that my daughter and her boyfriend have recently become his tenants renting the upstairs apt. So I am afraid he will try to go thru her somehow to get back at me once im gone and I will uncomfortable to visit her here. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 When abuse is real... just leave, and be safe !!! Figure out the details later. As @basil67 said... contact the local abuse center, and they will help. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 16 minutes ago, ShayKay said: One factor thats worrisome is that my daughter and her boyfriend have recently become his tenants renting the upstairs apt. So I am afraid he will try to go thru her somehow to get back at me once im gone and I will uncomfortable to visit her here. Obviously when you leave him you cannot return to that place regardless of your daughter living there. She will have to visit you wherever you live. When you leave there should be no contact whatsoever with him. He should not know where you live. Your husband is a brute and you should have left him when he broke your nose. When you went to the hospital for your broken nose did they ask you how it happened and did you tell them the truth? I've seen too many abused women protect their abusers and go back. This just gives them license to escalate the abuse. If you stay I can promise the abuse will get worse. You need to leave now even if it means moving in with your daughter upstairs for the few weeks you have left. You need to get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 (edited) The most unsafe time for a woman is when she tries to leave an abusive relationship. Remember that as you plan your exit. Just leave, don’t tell him that you are leaving and don’t tell him where you are going. Find some social support, get a good lawyer, and do what you must to end this relationship safely. I pray that you are safe. Edited May 6, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 Get out ASAP. This will only get worse. Id look into getting a restraining order against him. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 7, 2020 Share Posted May 7, 2020 18 hours ago, ShayKay said: It may sound crazy to some of you but even when he broke my nose, I saw it as an isolated incodent, a one off. I even blamed myself somehow. Do you think perhaps that was thought about Hiroshima for a couple of days once? This is why we're worried about where you'll be a few weeks later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2020 Share Posted May 7, 2020 Sadly you should have ended things when he broke your nose. This man is abusive. You need to leave & report him to the department. He has no business being in law enforcement. Get out now before you have to be carried out in a body bag. Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 The title is misleading, you are actually years together and the kids are adults. Ask for help from one of the kids of someone you trust and leave ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 (edited) I'm stunned that you didn't leave when he broke your nose. I believe that a one-off is not a pattern, but there's a BIG difference between e.g. hitting a wall and hitting YOU with that much force IMO. I believe some of these abuser types wait until you're "in their power"/most vulnerable and then start escalating; possibly that's what's happened here. At any rate, fully agree with the advice to get out, with as much support and documentation as you can get. Consider being as much of a porcupine as you can without being a threat - possibly if there are consequences to his striking out at you he won't bother as he doesn't sound fully out of control or psychotic or anything. Edited May 9, 2020 by mark clemson 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted May 10, 2020 Share Posted May 10, 2020 On 5/6/2020 at 8:48 AM, BaileyB said: The most unsafe time for a woman is when she tries to leave an abusive relationship. Remember that as you plan your exit. Just leave, don’t tell him that you are leaving and don’t tell him where you are going. Find some social support, get a good lawyer, and do what you must to end this relationship safely. I pray that you are safe. ^^^ Advice worth repeating. Lots of good advice above. Get out ASAP. I worry for your safety. Keep in mind that any arguments could escalate things further. As someone already mentioned, consider a restraining order if the need comes down to it. Link to post Share on other sites
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