He obliviously wants to break up with me, right?

[PaintChip]

Hello everyone,

Lately, I have been feeling like my boyfriend of over a year is really wanting to end things with me and I just need an outside opinion, to help me figure out these signals he's sending as he won't give me a straight answer. My gut is screaming at me that he's just done with me and wants me to be the one to break up with him.

It started honestly I would say a month ago. It was like all of a sudden he started questioning whether we were going to last. He also started using breaking up as some kind of weapon against me, and literally every argument we would have (which he would start) will result in him bringing up a break up. I finally had the guts yesterday to tell him if he mentions breaking up one more time, he better be serious because I'll be taking it seriously and it will be over.

The past two weeks, he's been getting more frequent with saying he doesn't know if we're going to make it, maybe "I want to end it" (even though it's only him who keeps threatening to break up, not me!) He says he feels like "this is fading".

Every time I call him out for it, he gives me the one word answers "uh huh,... Yea...ok" and it's like it can come out of nowhere.

For example this morning, I had him sleep over at my house last night. Myself and my land lady have organized a special parking situation, especially for him, and he had known he has to move his car early in the morning... He has known this since my land lady and I set this up for him almost a year ago.

He never had a problem with it, until this morning when I had to wake him up and remind him he had to move his car. He got up, got dressed and I had no idea he was mad. He went to leave and I said "what no hug? No kiss?" And he full out got MAD at me for... "Kicking him out"...

I called him out for it and he just drove off mad. I get a text from him an hour later "so what are you doing with me?" I ended up calling him and he was throwing in my face how he's not going to come to my place during the week anymore, he's going to pull back, all this crap. He also said that somehow it's my fault he over indulged last night and was still slightly under the influence this morning and it would be my problem if he would've got pulled over... How is that MY fault?

I feel like we fight almost daily and like the stuff he wants to fight with me is getting more and more petty. Also it doesn't matter what answer I give him to his bs accusations, he still will end up not believing me.

I have straight up called him out on the breaking up stuff and every time I do, or I agree (to get him to stop), he starts to back pedal and tells me it's ME that was to break up, even though HE was the one who said it in the first place!

So... Please tell me I'm not crazy.. This guy obviously is DONE with me , right? How should I go forward with this? 

This guy used to treat me great, spoil me, call me all the time, make me laugh. We used to have a BLAST, like two best friends and now we can barely spend an hour together? What happened?

[primer]

You are not crazy.

It sounds to me like he wants you to beg him not to break up. I would let him go. Do you even feel secure in this relationship? Find someone that wants to be with you.

 

 

 

[Uptown182]

52 minutes ago, PaintChip said:

Hello everyone,

Lately, I have been feeling like my boyfriend of over a year is really wanting to end things with me and I just need an outside opinion, to help me figure out these signals he's sending as he won't give me a straight answer. My gut is screaming at me that he's just done with me and wants me to be the one to break up with him.

It started honestly I would say a month ago. It was like all of a sudden he started questioning whether we were going to last. He also started using breaking up as some kind of weapon against me, and literally every argument we would have (which he would start) will result in him bringing up a break up. I finally had the guts yesterday to tell him if he mentions breaking up one more time, he better be serious because I'll be taking it seriously and it will be over.

The past two weeks, he's been getting more frequent with saying he doesn't know if we're going to make it, maybe "I want to end it" (even though it's only him who keeps threatening to break up, not me!) He says he feels like "this is fading".

Every time I call him out for it, he gives me the one word answers "uh huh,... Yea...ok" and it's like it can come out of nowhere.

For example this morning, I had him sleep over at my house last night. Myself and my land lady have organized a special parking situation, especially for him, and he had known he has to move his car early in the morning... He has known this since my land lady and I set this up for him almost a year ago.

He never had a problem with it, until this morning when I had to wake him up and remind him he had to move his car. He got up, got dressed and I had no idea he was mad. He went to leave and I said "what no hug? No kiss?" And he full out got MAD at me for... "Kicking him out"...

I called him out for it and he just drove off mad. I get a text from him an hour later "so what are you doing with me?" I ended up calling him and he was throwing in my face how he's not going to come to my place during the week anymore, he's going to pull back, all this crap. He also said that somehow it's my fault he over indulged last night and was still slightly under the influence this morning and it would be my problem if he would've got pulled over... How is that MY fault?

I feel like we fight almost daily and like the stuff he wants to fight with me is getting more and more petty. Also it doesn't matter what answer I give him to his bs accusations, he still will end up not believing me.

I have straight up called him out on the breaking up stuff and every time I do, or I agree (to get him to stop), he starts to back pedal and tells me it's ME that was to break up, even though HE was the one who said it in the first place!

So... Please tell me I'm not crazy.. This guy obviously is DONE with me , right? How should I go forward with this? 

This guy used to treat me great, spoil me, call me all the time, make me laugh. We used to have a BLAST, like two best friends and now we can barely spend an hour together? What happened?

From everything you describe, yes it sounds like he’s looking for a way out but is not quite ready to end it just yet.  Maybe he’s looking for confirmation from you?  
 

I don’t know how the pandemic is affecting your area, but as someone who is at the epicenter I know it is affecting a lot of relationships and lots of people are breaking up over it (myself included).  

[schlumpy]

I think that no matter how you handle this he is going to blame you for the break-up so with that in mind I would make it as easy on yourself as possible. Put all his stuff in a box, throw out any memorabilia, and after you text him where to pick up his stuff - erase him from all social media.

Let it all fade away. I doubt he will be honest with you as to why he wants to quit so what are losing out on?

Have a good cry and the be on the look out for men with kind smiles.

 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, PaintChip said:

We used to have a BLAST, like two best friends and now we can barely spend an hour together?

he's changed his mind about you...

Whenever someone picks a fight with you for absolutely no reason, IME, it's because there's someone else and they're inventing the reason they need to justify to themselves breaking up with you.

Go ahead and make the decision for him---break up with him. He seems to want to be gone so badly. Let him go on and go, but nail the door shut behind him.

[ShyViolet]

Ummm, YES he wants to break up.  He flat-out says that he wants to break up.  It's not even a matter of dropping subtle hints.  He says it to you all the time.

So why are you dragging this out?  

[preraph]

Oh, he's just trying to get you to bend to his will every possible way.  Why are you putting up with this big baby?  Kick his butt out.  Don't let a man keep telling you he doesn't want you and then keep seeing him and sleeping with him!  Have some pride and dignity and standards!  He is just a jerk.  You can surely do better.  Get his stuff packed up and get him out of there.  Block him on your email and phone and if he has a key, change the locks.  Get this downer out of your life.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, he wants out. 

He just doesn't want to feel guilty for dumping you, so he's hoping you'll get fed up and do the dirty work for him. 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, PaintChip said:

I just need an outside opinion, to help me figure out these signals he's sending as he won't give me a straight answer.

 he started questioning whether we were going to last.

He also started using breaking up as some kind of weapon against me

literally every argument we would have (which he would start) will result in him bringing up a break up.

The past two weeks, he's been getting more frequent

saying he doesn't know if we're going to make it, maybe "I want to end it" (even though it's only him who keeps threatening to break up, not me!)

He says he feels like "this is fading".

He got up, got dressed and I had no idea he was mad.

he full out got MAD at me for... "Kicking him out"...

he just drove off mad.

I get a text from him an hour later "so what are you doing with me?"

he was throwing in my face how he's not going to come to my place during the week anymore

he's going to pull back

He also said that somehow it's my fault he over indulged last night

it would be my problem if he would've got pulled over..

we fight almost daily

the stuff he wants to fight with me is getting more and more petty.

Also it doesn't matter what answer I give him to his bs accusations, he still will end up not believing me.

he tells me it's ME that was to break up, even though HE was the one who said it in the first place!

 

I completely disagree with you that you need an outside person to figure out his signals... he's sending a perfectly clear , perfectly straight answer. What you're not getting is that he wants you to do the breaking up so that when you call him wanting him back, it'll be completely on his terms and you have no say-so in anything. It's complete manipulation and mind-effing.

He needs to get gone and stay gone. He means you no good.

 

[preraph]

He's abusive.  If you can't see that, time to start reading up on it.

[preraph]

I don't think he's trying to get you to break up.  I think he's trying to get you to do whatever he wants however he wants it, so you should definitely break up.

Edited May 6, 2020 by preraph

[Gr8fuln2020]

He wants out as others have said. I feel that he wants you to hammer the nails on the coffin and make it complete so that he can blame you later. He is being manipulative. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

I don't think he's trying to get you to break up.  I think he's trying to get you to do whatever he wants however he wants it, so you should definitely break up.

I have seen this type of behavior before. All too common for some manipulators. You push and pull until the OTHER person finally says enough and then turn around and blame the person who finally ended it. '"YOU are the one who broke up with ME!"  Manipulators take pleasure in not taking responsibility. 

[Lotsgoingon]

He definitely wants out and I'll go one worse. Sometimes people start acting like him--this passive-aggressive, mixed-message, reverse accusing--when they have had a fling with someone outside the relationship. 

BTW: you knew the answer to this before posting ... you've let this guy play this game ... you don't want to be "sincere" when someone is playing a game of manipulation.

My gut is screaming at me that he's just done with me and wants me to be the one to break up with him

When I read that line, I knew  the answer I would give. I did go on to read your full post. But ANYTIME your gut is screaming, you have to listen. The gut picks up body language and facial expressions and shifts in energy--subtle things that the conscious brain sometimes ignores.  the gut really helps in situations like this--when the other person is throwing a bunch of distracting smoke your way.

In an ideal world, this guy would say what's what. He'd be direct and honest. Might not feel great, but you would feel on solid ground. This jerk doesn't do that. Dump him and always trust a screaming gut! Trust it even when have no idea what's setting off the alarms. 

 

 

[preraph]

35 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I have seen this type of behavior before. All too common for some manipulators. You push and pull until the OTHER person finally says enough and then turn around and blame the person who finally ended it. '"YOU are the one who broke up with ME!"  Manipulators take pleasure in not taking responsibility. 

Yeah, it's all a power grab one way or the other.  Make 'em dance.

[d0nnivain]

Since it's no longer a fulfilling relationship for you that is a source of joy, you aren't losing much by ending it.  Yes it's sad because you miss the good times but those are already done.  

[hippychick3]

He definitely wants out and wants you to take responsibility for the breakup. He’s a coward, a manipulator, and possibly a cheater. You’re lowering your value by allowing him to treat you this way and not actually leaving his sorry ass. 

[Marc878]

Let him go

[SumGuy]

21 hours ago, PaintChip said:

..

So... Please tell me I'm not crazy.. This guy obviously is DONE with me , right? How should I go forward with this? 

This guy used to treat me great, spoil me, call me all the time, make me laugh. We used to have a BLAST, like two best friends and now we can barely spend an hour together? What happened?

You are not crazy.

He is blaming you for his own actions.  he is a coward.  He is going to keep pushing you until you break up with him.  Frankly, if it is a possibility he is likely already looking for and even seeing someone else.  His behaviors are not uncommon for someone who is cheating.

Something happened with him and he is too immature to discuss it, that and he may have betrayed you / cheated on you and can't face it.

[TeddyBundy1993]

He is manipulating you and pushing you to break up with him, he doesnt want to be blamed so he is using this old rotten tactic. Maybe he has someone new lined up or hes done with you it doesnt matter anymore. If he really wanted to be with you,  he would work out with you instead of being a jerk. Nothing much to do here, simply walk away and stay away from him.  It will be difficult with in beginning dear, but will be 10 times more peaceful than living in a mess like this.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

Sorry to hear about the situation and the problems/emotional pain it's causing you. Almost anyone deserves better from this in a relationship, especially when it's still only been a year.

There isn't a single "reason" for his behavior but there is a very short menu to select from, lol!

1. He's a manipulator (has psychopath/sociopath tendencies)
2. He's got a severe avoidant attachment style
3. He suffered from severe abandonment as a child and is always ready for people to leave him, so he sets the stage preparing for heartache every day
4. He's just a hot mess of emotional problems and a mix from the menu options above, lol
5. He's emotionally immature/unstable (obviously) and he's not able to break up with you so he's waiting for you to do it so it will ease his mind/emotions and blame you instead of being capable of accepting it as his fault or desire

I mention those things because people on here sometimes come from a single perspective (their own experience) and they do not stop to consider how different problems or issues can lead to the same behavior. And sometimes it's good to really understand a problem to help gain clarity and then move on quicker, more easily. Because regardless of the reason/combo thereof, the end result is the same - he's playing games with you, setting up emotional hostage situations, and not taking responsibilities for any of hits actions AND FEELINGS. 

While I don't post much anymore, I've always, for years, advocated in most cases understanding, patience, and working on things. But this is clearly a case where he's not able to understand and accept his own emotions and actions and feelings, let alone what they do to you and to the relationship. He's going to blame you no matter what. So for your own health and safety and the opportunity to heal as quickly as possible and move on, dump this guy, block him, and regain your sanity.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He's trying to turn you into the bad guy, so he feels less guilty about breaking up--and possibly already being interested in someone else.

[Wave Rider]

Rather than guessing at his intentions, I think a tough conversation using calibrated questions (what, how, where) could really clear things up.  Something like, "It seems to me that some things have changed in our relationship recently.  Where are you at with our relationship?  How would you like to move forward?" These are difficult conversations, but at least you'll have an answer.