2 months- venting post break up

[jess060191]

I am kind of just going to write my feelings out on here and who ever wants to listen and respond will be appreciated by me...

It has been 2 months since he and I spoke, since he told me to move on. It hurts. It hurts to know that I was there for him at his lowest and once everything was okay he kicked me to the curb, again.  It hurts to know that he isn't doing much because of this quarantine life, and not once has he reached out to me to see how I am doing, if I am doing okay. How can someone be so cruel and careless? 

I am happy to say that I have no urges to reach out to him or rekindle a romantic relationship with him because I know things would not change. However, the urges of checking his social media every time is awful. Its like I am looking for some sort of closure by finding something on there. Sounds silly but I don't know how else to explain it. 

I want to move on so badly and just forget about him and have this pain go away. Seems like it is never going to happen though... 

[Realitysux]

It will happen in time. It's normal to check their social media and as time goes on, the urges will become less and will not be as painful. When someone tells you to move on, that's closure. You don't need anything else. I was told to move on and he had misleading things on his social media but I'm not hurt or affected by it. I do it out of Bordom during the quarantine. Down the road, when society is back to normal, you can replace your online snooping with other activities. 

[Realitysux]

You will be told by other people not to check and block. I would say do what works for you. I think seeing that they moved on would make it easier for me to move on but that's just me. 

Edited May 6, 2020 by Realitysux

[scooby-philly]

@jess060191 - Sorry to hear about your pain and heartache. I can relate to your feelings very much. I was in a relationship for nearly two years when my ex-gf dumped me out of the blue and via text/im. And then within a few days was back on dating sites clad in skimpy bikinis looking for attention and money. If you are a "giver" and a "caretaker", and if you're a "good" woman (meaning you listen, you learn, you grow, you try, you admit your faults, you admit when you make mistakes) and you were trying to build something with him, to build something real and affirming, and loving, and life-giving, then to be told "no thanks'", especially when you were there for them when there were down and out, is tremendously heartbreaking. I wish I could say something pithy or based on my own experience or some ancient text that would take the pain away and ease the burden on your heart. But I cannot. Sure, time will heal certain parts of you, but there maybe scarring for months or more. And it's been 8.5 months for me, so I do not expect any messages from my ex. And while I've had other relationships end before, this was the deepest and longest heartbreak because I truly was the best version of myself I could be and mistook a lot of things and missed or ignored a lot of red flags all because I didn't want to lose what little I was getting. So while the situation is different than yours, I understand - how could someone we cared about so deeply, supported so much, just decide "nah, this isn't for me". I mean, my recent ex has no real friends, lives with shamed based, bitter, and closed off parents and has little to know self esteem, so I'm definitely the first and now only person she ever had that truly cared for her, supported her, encouraged her, and loved her for her. But at the end of the day, she wanted, for whatever reason, to either play the field more and/or go back to not getting what I offered. Maybe her self-esteem was so low and her lack of dating/experience with love meant that she retreated back to the loveless, joyless life she new before. I could have given her what she said she wanted. But what she said she wanted and the choices she made and the behavior she displayed while we were together, and in the process of breaking up, revealed that her self-love was so low that she didn't deem herself worthy in the end. But you know what, as much as I still have some pain and heartache (not from her, but from other things my recovery has brought to light) and have some things I want to work on, in the end, I know I deserve better. And if you're story is similar to mine, you deserve better to. They say you don't really know someone and a relationship isn't really confirmed until you go through a bad thing, a rough patch, a down time. Even if it's just one person in the relationship struggling, the relationship can get tested. But that's not always true. It's not just "who are they when they're down"...but who are they when they're "getting back up"...because often times people with very closed hearts and/or low self-esteem or similar type problems, they don't really emotionally and psychologically understand what the person who was by their side did for them. They're so protective of their hearts and of being "exposed" for the holes in the souls, that they pretend or even just simply do not recognize how their decisions/behaviors contradict themselves. But, and this is where I wish there were words that actually helped you, their choice, your ex's choice/his behavior, is a reflection of him, not a reflection of you. And yet no matter how many times we hear that or say that to ourselves, our hearts, our egos, our inner children don't want to hear it or can't accept it for whatever reason. But it's true. So don't let him drag you down. 

 

And no ones says No Contact (NC on the boards here if you didn't know it) is easy. It's not. And look, most people, especially the dumpees, will find it hard to not snoop once in a while. Now, if you find that causes you such distress and/or grief or real life problems, there are some drastic measures you can take to make sure you stay NC. But the point of NC is absolute and non-negotiable - especially as the dumpee, it's meant to help you change your mindset and thoughts. It's meant to help you avoid mental spirals, emotional hurricances, and countless hours of crying, anger, shame, etc. That will all happen anyway, but going NC helps you avoid making it worse and also, most importantly, is meant to help you avoid the "what if" debate in your mind. If you were the best person you could be in the relationship (not perfect), if you tried your best, if you tried to solve problems, if you tried to be present, emotionally available, vulnerable, etc. - then not a single thing you could have said/done differently, started, stopped, done more of, done less of, etc. would have changed the outcome in the end. And if you find yourself thinking, well if I done X,Y,Z, and not done A,B,C, - then you're really going from "what if" to "what if the entire nature of the universe changed"...and he's 50% to blame for the failure of the relationship, remember that.

 

The pain does get better. But I will tell you this from having had several failed relationships as a good/decent man (not perfect, not even great lol) - you have to go through (some people say "into") the darkness in order to emerge on the other side the healthier, happier, wiser, and smarter person/dater you want to be right about now. And that means accepting the pain, letting it in, and letting it show you things and teach you things. And that, is scary and most people don't do that after a relationship, and a lot of people never do that in their lives. They just repeat old patterns over and over again or they create a new pattern each time. But if you do the work it works.

For now, go and stay NC. Remove/trash all memories of him - including pictures (and digital pictures) and make sure you cannot contact him. 

[The Outlaw]

I can relate but I think that just about anyone who reads this can. Words, actions or lack of either during the end of a relationship of any kind always hurt. But the silence from him is deafening and it speaks volumes. If he's move on, so should you. I get feelings. I really do. But there comes a time when things just come to an end and we have to let go not for them but for ourselves. I don't think you'll forget what happened but the pain will lessen overtime and you'll meet someone that wants to spend time with you and appreciates you.