Emotional Cheating?

[Anon4477]

Hi,

I wanted to get other peoples view and possibly advice on a situation I find myself in.

I have been married 12 years, we have 2 daughters together. Our marriage hasn't been perfect but I we have loved each other very much, though now I'm not sure whether my wife still loves me and she has also told me this.

I have had an unresolved health issue for over a year and a half. This has put a massive strain on our relationship, in the last few months, my wife has changed in her behavior towards me. She blames me for messing up her life and is very angry at me for taking my health worries and frustrations out on her. She has withdrawn from me more and more.

I have noticed her spending a lot more time on her phone recently. A few days ago, she left her Facebook open on my daughters Ipad. I looked at the search bar and noticed the name of a male colleague of my wife's at the top of the list, when I looked in more detail I was quite shocked to see that my wife is looking up this guy obsessively on Facebook - 68 times in one month, up to 8 times a day with an increasing frequency over the course of the month.

I confronted my wife over it. I asked her what was her relationship with this guy, she said he's my work colleague, I said is there any more to it than that? She said no. So I asked her why she has searched him 68 times in a month on Facebook. Her face dropped, she looked guilty and tongue tied. at first she tried to say that she hadn't, I told her she had and that I could prove it, if she wanted to look at her FB together, she said she didn't want to look at it. I told her it was obsessive to look at someone on FB this much and I wanted to know why she was doing it. She then said, it's because he told her that his marriage was breaking up and she became intrigued. I said that if you were intrigued I could understand looking him up a few times, but not this obsessively. She said she is embarrassed that it was that much. I asked her directly if she was having an affair or if she had feelings for this guy, she said no to both. I think I believe her about the affair, but am not sure about the feelings part of it.

I'm interested to hear other peoples view on this and what you would do in my situation

[Artdeco]

Sounds like she has a little crush on him. Impossible to determine if there’s more going on, or if it’s just a one-sided thing where the colleague isn’t even aware. However, the fact that she’s been getting more and more irritated with you could mean that she has another “love” interest. 

[Marc878]

Go check your phone bill online

[S2B]

Well she IS spending THAT much time looking at him!

she could be spending that time and energy focused on her marriage/husband! But she’s not!

and now you better start paying more attention! Because she is ripe for an affair and spending energy figuring out how to have that man!

pay attention! You are about to be cheated on if she hasn’t already started with him!

yes check where she goes - see if she’s being honest. Check her phone bill and see if she’s calling/texting one number more than seems reasonable.

[schlumpy]

Are they in contact with one another through either text or phone that you can determine?

If she is, then assume the worst and take appropriate action.

If she is just looking him up, (how did she know about the breakup?) then run her into the counselor and find out if this is just a bit of fantasy. I would hazard a guess that the majority of people have looked up people they know or have known. It doesn't have to be nefarious.

Perhaps a counselor can break her down to where she will give you an honest answer. You have to know where you stand. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm actually more concerned that she told you that she blames you & your health issues for messing up her life.  That is the problem.  This work colleague is just the symptom. 

I hope your health is better.  If it's not & you need an outlet get a therapist.  

Next you have to talk to your wife about what she wants.  Let her express a desire for unrealistic things even if it's you aren't sick any more & that you both have millions of dollars.  You have to get her to talk about what she wants & find out if that includes staying married to you in any form.  Then you have to work together to see if any of that is possible.  It may require MC.  It probably requires her to disconnect from the colleague on social media.  

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, Anon4477 said:

....

I have had an unresolved health issue for over a year and a half. This has put a massive strain on our relationship, in the last few months, my wife has changed in her behavior towards me. She blames me for messing up her life and is very angry at me for taking my health worries and frustrations out on her. She has withdrawn from me more and more....

I'm interested to hear other peoples view on this and what you would do in my situation

The part I bolded seems kind of important.  Taking things out on anyone usually pushes them away.   I believe counseling could help because likely both of you feel the other "started it." 

She likely thinks you took out your frustrations on her despite her being there so that is why she says you illness messed up her life (not the illness but how you started acting) and that is why she pulled away.

I suspect you view it as your frustrations were taken out on her only after she blamed your illness, and/or she is supposed to understand and accept you taking your frustrations out on her.

I believe if you both want to repair things you both need to stop the blame game.   Illness puts stress on people and no matter if either of you are 100% correct, the thing is to have understanding for each other.  Her that being sick was not your choice (I assume that is true) and have the kindness to care for you; and you that although you are sick and suffer from the sickness you should appreciate what she is doing for you and treat her nice.  That is, she should not resent your sickness and you should not take out your frustrations on her.

Agree that the looking at this guys facebook page is a symptom, not the root of your marital problems.  Also, from what I know, her actions and thoughts do no appear to be so far down the road that they are unforgivable.

[Anon4477]

Thanks for your replies. I still feel uneasy about the situation and still have some things that I want answering. When we spoke about it, she told me it would stop and that if anything changed in regard to this guy, she would tell me. I have always trusted her 100%. Even though we are going through a really tough period, I still love her and don't want to lose her. She is not so sure about our marriage and her love for me, but I believe and hope that deep down she does still love me. Today we have both been making an effort to get along and I feel positive for the first time in a while. Do I leave it at that and see how we get on? Or question her more and possibly make things worse?

[S2B]

She’s not sure about you and the marriage BECAUSE she is flirting with a shiny new toy!

tell her if she doesn’t stop contacting him all together - YOU are ending the marriage!

Seriously... she is playing you as her fool. Either she IS committed to you or she isn’t!

she can’t have it both ways and still be interested in the marriage. And you need to knock her off that pedestal you have her on!!!! She isn’t showing loving behavior to you! Quite the opposite!!!

Edited May 7, 2020 by S2B

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, Anon4477 said:

I still love her and don't want to lose her. She is not so sure about our marriage and her love for me, but I believe and hope that deep down she does still love me. 

Hope won't save you. Hope will be leaving town when the process server blindsides you.

I get that you want to try to save your marriage but all you are doing is giving her the time she needs to plan a slam-bang exit to the marriage. She's stalling for time.

Demand that marriage counseling happens. If she says no, then you will know.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Anon4477 said:

 Do I leave it at that and see how we get on? Or question her more and possibly make things worse?

I think you continue to work on your marriage and the things that are lessening the love.   If you continue to question her on this Facebook thing it turns into blame, and it won't make anything better.   Why question her more?  Is it you think she is lying and there are some magical words she will say that make you believe her?   I'm not saying turn a blind eye, sure keep an eye out to see if she follows through.  

The real thing you need to work on, if you think there is a chance, is what got you here.  Does she want to work on it?   Keep up the being nice, that can help rebuild things.  Then perhaps talk with her about how nice it has been lately, how you two can get back to that, and how you both lost your way.

You also have to ask yourself what is your part in this?  It could be you have been fine, but it behooves you to listen to how she feels you let her down.  Then evaluate how reasonable or unreasonable that is, in the spirit of giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Believe me, I know too well that there are men and women who are so disordered that their problems with you are unreasonable and often fabricated.

[rjc149]

I think if this were a physical affair, she wouldn't feel the urge to look him up on Facebook obsessively. Still, it's possible. 

I also think if they were communicating regularly, she wouldn't be stalking his social media to that extent -- unless they're communicating on social media. 

[Anon4477]

2 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I think if this were a physical affair, she wouldn't feel the urge to look him up on Facebook obsessively. Still, it's possible. 

I also think if they were communicating regularly, she wouldn't be stalking his social media to that extent -- unless they're communicating on social media. 

She works and communicates with him everyday, they work in close contact with each other

[rjc149]

16 minutes ago, Anon4477 said:

She works and communicates with him everyday, they work in close contact with each other

Again, I think the Facebook stalking is a function of her unrequited, unresolved interest. If they were having an actual affair, I doubt she'd be obsessing over him like that. 

[Anon4477]

My wife’s excuse for showing an interest in this guy is to blame me and the way I have treated her during my health issues. I don’t feel she has supported me as well as she could at times throughout the issue, she resents me for this. I have been very frustrated and angry at times due to the situation I find myself in, I have been frustrated and angry at doctors and also my wife. I have said things I shouldn’t have said to her in desperation, frustration and anger, she is very angry at me for this and resents me for it. She feels that my health issues have messed up her and our families life and blames me for that. I have been trying to get help for an undiagnosed problem for over a year and a half, countless trips to doctors, specialists, alternative therapists. I think the main issue with all of the above is that I believe something is seriously wrong with me though doctors so far haven’t found it, but my wife doesn’t believe me, she thinks it’s in my head/down to anxiety and depression etc. She has also used this time of our relationship problems to highlight everything else she doesn’t like about me, things that were going on before all of this. She says I spend/waste too much money – I disagree and think she is tight. She thinks I lose my temper and get angry, shout, slam doors etc. I do, usually when she is moaning at me or picking fault with me. My wife shouts loads, she doesn’t see this. I have tried to tell her she has faults too, she tells me that they are not faults and she is just ‘being herself’ She tells me that is down to me to make changes to save our marriage, not her.

[Anon4477]

6 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Again, I think the Facebook stalking is a function of her unrequited, unresolved interest. If they were having an actual affair, I doubt she'd be obsessing over him like that. 

I agree with that and I don't think she is having an affair yet, my concern is what this will develop in to

[carhill]

With two daughters in the mix and an apparently troubling to debilitating health issue, I'd get this in front of a professional and focus on the marriage first. Make the appointment yourself. If she's in it to win it and wants the marriage to work and be healthy, she'll go, regardless of what may or may not be going on with the co-worker. To paraphrase how our MC handled things, each of you are responsible for your part in the marriage and she's solely responsible for any interactions/thoughts/feelings regarding the co-worker. If the foundation of your marriage was/is solid, you and she can work through this.

[schlumpy]

12 hours ago, rjc149 said:

I think if this were a physical affair, she wouldn't feel the urge to look him up on Facebook obsessively. Still, it's possible. 

I also think if they were communicating regularly, she wouldn't be stalking his social media to that extent -- unless they're communicating on social media. 

reasonable assumptions.

[schlumpy]

11 hours ago, Anon4477 said:

 She thinks I lose my temper and get angry, shout, slam doors etc. I do, usually when she is moaning at me or picking fault with me. My wife shouts loads, she doesn’t see this. I have tried to tell her she has faults too, she tells me that they are not faults and she is just ‘being herself’ She tells me that is down to me to make changes to save our marriage, not her.

Many of your disagreements are common among couples and can be hashed out in MC. The yelling, screaming and slamming doors is different matter.]

I suggest that you record some of your fights and after the personal anger subsides review them. It will give you whole different perspective.

[mark clemson]

On 5/6/2020 at 6:11 PM, Anon4477 said:

... when I looked in more detail I was quite shocked to see that my wife is looking up this guy obsessively on Facebook - 68 times in one month, up to 8 times a day with an increasing frequency over the course of the month.

I confronted my wife over it ... at first she tried to say that she hadn't, I told her she had and that I could prove it ... She then said, it's because he told her that his marriage was breaking up and she became intrigued. I said that if you were intrigued I could understand looking him up a few times, but not this obsessively.

 

18 hours ago, Anon4477 said:

I agree with that and I don't think she is having an affair yet, my concern is what this will develop in to

Not to belabor points that were already made above, but I think this is more than "intrigued". Nor do the reasons given particularly make sense.  It's pretty clear IMO your wife was getting something out of looking at/researching the guy. That doesn't mean she's actually doing anything, but it's certainly a red flag. Calling this a (possibly one-sided) EA might be a stretch, but then again it might not be. She was not forthcoming about why she was doing this.

 

22 hours ago, Anon4477 said:

When we spoke about it, she told me it would stop and that if anything changed in regard to this guy, she would tell me.

18 hours ago, Anon4477 said:

She works and communicates with him everyday, they work in close contact with each other

My view is you should consider keeping something of an eye on her as best you can. Don't become paranoid/obsessive over it, as your wife may have no real intention to step out of line in any physical way, and she may have realized what she's doing is not 100% appropriate and so have stopped. Also the guy may have little interest or he may see work colleagues as off limits regardless, as so many people do due to the risk involved. But if it were me I'd try to figure out some way to occasionally discreetly check on her if at all possible. Trust but verify would be my view in this sort of situation.

Edited May 8, 2020 by mark clemson

[S2B]

On 5/7/2020 at 5:15 PM, Anon4477 said:

My wife’s excuse for showing an interest in this guy is to blame me and the way I have treated her during my health issues. I don’t feel she has supported me as well as she could at times throughout the issue, she resents me for this. I have been very frustrated and angry at times due to the situation I find myself in, I have been frustrated and angry at doctors and also my wife. I have said things I shouldn’t have said to her in desperation, frustration and anger, she is very angry at me for this and resents me for it. She feels that my health issues have messed up her and our families life and blames me for that. I have been trying to get help for an undiagnosed problem for over a year and a half, countless trips to doctors, specialists, alternative therapists. I think the main issue with all of the above is that I believe something is seriously wrong with me though doctors so far haven’t found it, but my wife doesn’t believe me, she thinks it’s in my head/down to anxiety and depression etc. She has also used this time of our relationship problems to highlight everything else she doesn’t like about me, things that were going on before all of this. She says I spend/waste too much money – I disagree and think she is tight. She thinks I lose my temper and get angry, shout, slam doors etc. I do, usually when she is moaning at me or picking fault with me. My wife shouts loads, she doesn’t see this. I have tried to tell her she has faults too, she tells me that they are not faults and she is just ‘being herself’ She tells me that is down to me to make changes to save our marriage, not her.

Well this kind of blame game isn’t healthy even for the strongest of marriages.

get to a marriage counselor ASAP. You both need help looking at the way you each participate within the marriage - and guidance on how to DO better, make exchanges between both of you respectful and kind - in other words communicate in a more kind and loving way, make lists of common goals and how to take solid steps towards those goals each day and checking in on those goals together once a week.

seek help for your anxiety/depression. Try to stay away from booze and pills that alter/cause depression and altered mindset. You gotta dig deep to get yourself out of that mindset/depression.

see if she participates. You need to work as a team. Anger and throwing things will NEVER make any spouse feel safe and protected! And I can tell you if I don’t feel safe and protected in a relationship - I end it! I can feel safer on my own without someone yelling at me.

just some things I hope you will consider.

good luck.

[Anon4477]

Thank you for all your replies.

We have done a bit of calm talking over the weekend, for the first time in a long time.

I have said some very hurtful things to my wife over the 18+ months of my health struggles. I have been very angry, frustrated, sad, hopeless etc. I have taken this out on my wife at times and said things I shouldn't have said. She has said it's abusive. I don't agree with that but do agree that it's wrong. I have told her I'm deeply sorry, I really haven't been myself and under immense pressure (this is not an excuse). I have told her I want to make it better and that I love her very much. She has a lot of built up anger and resentment towards me for this hurt I have caused her. She tells me she has never felt the way she feels for me now ever before. She is not sure she can ever forgive me.

She has told me it's up to me to look at myself and make the changes in myself.

My worry now is that there is too much damage done and that she will never be able to forgive me and that whatever I do, I am fighting a lost cause and that her mind is made up to leave me.

She tells me that she is being honest with me when she says she doesn't know if she loves me or wants to be married to me anymore, though she says her mind isn't made up yet if she will leave me or not.

I love her and don't want to lose her, but don''t know what I can do to so that she will forgive me and not leave me

[IndigoNight]

I'm not sure what you consider abuse, but taking your anger and frustration out on your spouse is abusive. You don't have to hit someone to abuse them. Verbal, and emotional abuse cause plenty of damage on their own.

It doesn't really matter if you were frustrated with your health issues, your spouse is not your emotional punching bag to verbally lash out at. You are not hers either. Saying sorry helps, but only if you stop doing it. She probably won't forget what you said, no matter how much you apologize. Forgive maybe, but not forget. 

I spent over three years going from specialist to specialist, trying to figure out my health issues. Yes, it was frustrating, annoying, scary, and many times I felt angry and defeated. What I didn't do was take it out on the person who is the most supportive of me, my husband. I'm sure I had days that I was short tempered, but hurtful words never left my mouth.

If I was having a bad day, I told him I was as soon as I realized it. It avoided adding more stress to an already stressful situation. He didn't have to walk on eggshells around me by any means. If I was having a rough day he would ask what he could do to help. He would also avoid serious conversations, and other things that would add to my stress. Unless, of course, they couldn't wait, and had to be dealt with.

Now that my husband is having health issues,I give him the same respect and support that he has shown me for the past 10+ years. It is based in love, and mutual respect.

I truly understand how frustrating not knowing what's wrong with your body is. Every year I get to add another diagnosis to my already long list of things wrong with me. What I can do physically changes by the hour some days. It's is demoralizing at times. It's always frustrating. I get it.

Find another outlet for your anger and frustration besides your wife. Play video games. Go for a walk. Whatever it takes to have a healthy outlet for what you're feeling. If you want her support, don't make being in your presence hurtful. 

I hope you and your doctors figure out what is wrong soon. Don't give up. Find online support groups that are based around health issues. At least in a health forum you will be around people who understands what you're going through.

As others have suggested, marriage counseling could be very helpful at getting you and your wife back on track. The yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, any angry outbursts, or hurtful words all need to stop. It doesn't make anything better, but it will definitely make them worse. 

I wish you the best of luck in figuring it your health issues, and getting your marriage and home life back to a happier place.

[Anon4477]

Thank you for your reply and great advice Indigo Night

[IndigoNight]

On 5/11/2020 at 1:47 PM, Anon4477 said:

Thank you for your reply and great advice Indigo Night

I am not online daily, but if you want to vent PM me. No need to take it out on your wife. You can't hurt my feelings. 

Make sure she knows that you PM if you do. Its only fair that she knows. She can even comment if she feels the need. 

I will warn you, I don't sugarcoat things just to make people feel better. You want honesty, I will give it to you. You want pity, I'm the wrong person to get it from.