first date is staying in

[deepthinking]

Only coping as I suffer with social anxiety and my problem is sending it sky high. I am on meds, but this new development of ha boyf is pressure

I like staying in. My home is nice and I can be myself, not a nervous robot in a restaurant, but a happy hostess with a meal.

I know from a male friend that staying in can be taken as an ask for sex and of course no means no.  He is a nice guy, plenty nice guys may ask which is legal and legit, but I don't want sex for 3 months, I want to solidify our bond, and sex does not do this, as guts see a booty call, specially if we run out of conversation, notably, activity dates are usually conversation starters.. 

I have all this in my mind. Opinions welcome. I'm a bit  out of practise, newly single, Plz say if you are male or female. Thank you.

Edited May 7, 2020 by deepthinking

[basil67]

Female.   

You are over thinking it all.

1. If you have told him that you suffer anxiety in a restaurant and this is why the date is at your house, then he most likely will not be expecting sex.  That said, going out and having fun together is part of a normal relationship and most guys (except those wanting booty calls) will want to do this.  Are you doing therapy to learn to have a date in public?  

2. Where did you get the idea that sex does not solidify your bond?  And the idea that sex makes guys see you as a booty call?   Guys who aren't into you may see it this way, but a guy who thinks you're great will be delighted and follow up quickly with a next date.  I had sex with my husband of nearly thirty years on the night of the day we met.  During our courting, we had endless conversations-  we never ran out of things to talk about!  Lots of activity dates (if restaurants, pubs and beaching count as activities) and mind blowing sex...and it was wonderful. 

3. I would not wait three months for sex no matter how great he was - this is because I don't respect arbitrary rules.  If a guy is really into you, consider flexing your rules lest you seem too rigid.

4. What is this nobility of which you speak?  I suspect this is something associated with the Knights of the Round Table.  Rather old fashioned.

 

[deepthinking]

1. Men ask for sex. There is a possibility and like all possibilities, it is sensible to be aware of it, to be prepared. I don't want therapy. Therapists are not necessarily experienced daters, which is another possibility to get real about. So, I want to be heard here,  and given tips by people who also  definitely date, people like  me. Sorry, but you don't date, you have settled  down

2. I have already told you about booty calls. I want to wait 3 months. MY choice. I am happy for lucky you and your husband. But that is your bio, not mine.

3. I am not asking you to respect arbitrary rules, but as you have never even met him, all I seek from you or anybody are general tips. 

4. I never spoke of "nobility" never used the word. Or Kinghts  etc.

Edited May 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
extra info

[spiritedaway2003]

Pick a good movie, or play some board games. If things move fast and you want to slow it down, just say so.  

You seemed to have good boundaries and know what you want and don’t want.  You’ll be fine.  Relax, good luck and have fun!  

[d0nnivain]

I am female & I don't understand your level of social anxiety. Having a stranger in my house would make my anxiety sky high.  Meeting somebody in a public place is so much safer. 

If you ask a man to your home for a 1st date I don't care who that man is he will assume you are asking him over for sex.  Even if you point blank state that you don't plan to have sex for 3 months he will either think you are just saying that but don't really mean it or he will conclude that your behavior is so far outside of the social norms that he will lose interest in dating you.   Either way this being the 1st step to a successful relationship is highly unlikely.  You are also setting up a scenario where you are teaching the guy that you have zero expectations, & he will never have to make any effort to curry favor with you. The whole thing is a recipe for disaster. 

If you really can't handle meeting in a restaurant find something you are comfortable with that is not in your house & do that instead:  go for a walk; take a small picnic to a park near your home; play mini golf.  What you do doesn't matter as long as the 1st few dates are not in your home.   My rule of thumb:  if you are not DTF avoid date locations that have beds or couches -- no your house, no his house, no overnights, etc  

Edited May 7, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Realitysux]

Are you willing to change that about yourself and expose yourself to being nervous at a restaurant? I'm just saying, if you go out on dates until you are ready and invite him over for dinner when you want to sleep with him, that would be a better choice. I would not date during this pandemic for that reason. I would not want a first date to be at someone's house. 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Realitysux

[Foxhall]

Perhaps keep it to just a virtual dinner over zoom to start with,(even if there are no lockdowns I wonder will this become more prevalent!)

test out his patience and will help give you a feel for the overall compatibility between you

 

 

[deepthinking]

Okay, so I'm getting a feel for things, but nobody has yet talked of love. Any general tips? The progression from date one to love, if there was to be a progression' - what would it look like? 

And I do not like condom sex. Please, no lectures about unsafe sex. I think STDs are gross and condoms passion-killers. I seek monogamy.

Edited May 8, 2020 by deepthinking

[Realitysux]

Love doesn't work like that. You shouldn't go into this thinking about love, you should be going into this and just enjoying what it has to offer. If you go in with expectations then you're only setting yourself up for disappointment. 

You should have condom sex. It isn't a passion killer. You should be in love, in a trusting relationship and have thought about all precautions before you go into sex without a condom. 

Edited May 8, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

13 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I am female & I don't understand your level of social anxiety. Having a stranger in my house would make my anxiety sky high.  Meeting somebody in a public place is so much safer. 

If you ask a man to your home for a 1st date I don't care who that man is he will assume you are asking him over for sex.  Even if you point blank state that you don't plan to have sex for 3 months he will either think you are just saying that but don't really mean it or he will conclude that your behavior is so far outside of the social norms that he will lose interest in dating you.   Either way this being the 1st step to a successful relationship is highly unlikely.  You are also setting up a scenario where you are teaching the guy that you have zero expectations, & he will never have to make any effort to curry favor with you. The whole thing is a recipe for disaster. 

If you really can't handle meeting in a restaurant find something you are comfortable with that is not in your house & do that instead:  go for a walk; take a small picnic to a park near your home; play mini golf.  What you do doesn't matter as long as the 1st few dates are not in your home.   My rule of thumb:  if you are not DTF avoid date locations that have beds or couches -- no your house, no his house, no overnights, etc

It was the beginning of social distancing and I thought a date at someone house was innocent. He lived out in the country and we were going to drink some beers and have a camp fire. He was also in the trades and we both landscape so we have that to talk about. The campfire was blocked off so he tried to do Netflix on the couch. I made the fire pit work but as it got cold out and no where to sit we ended up inside. Well, he tried to bang me on his couch and when I said no, let's go to home Depot instead, I needed a measuring tape, he changed and it became a bit awkward. He has no texted me since ! 

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

Okay, so I'm getting a feel for things, but nobody has yet talked of love. Any general tips? The progression from date one to love, if there was to be a progression' - what would it look like? 

It would look like many, many months of getting to know each other.  Hanging out, having fun, doing interesting stuff, great conversations without awkward silences, meeting each other's friends and family and for most, great sex.   Early on people may feel warm and fuzzy when looking at each other, but as much as it feels like love, it isn't.  It's infatuation.   When the butterflies of infatuation fade, when the rose coloured glasses come off and you still think they are great....then it's love.  

Six to eight months is generally considered to be the time when infatuation starts to fade.

Edited May 8, 2020 by basil67

[Dis]

2 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

Okay, so I'm getting a feel for things, but nobody has yet talked of love.  The progression from date one to love, if there was to be a progression' - what would it look like? 

May I ask if you've had any experience dating?

 

Not judging, just trying to get a bigger picture 

[deepthinking]

 

4 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

May I ask if you've had any experience dating?

 

Not judging, just trying to get a bigger picture

Yes. But my anxiety has started recently. I used to have a booty call, Then an FWB. Both liked the physical side, so they stayed. I've dined out too. I am not even young!  My own life experiences should help me.  But I developed this fear. I think it is a fear of failure.   Somebody said don't go in to dating  expecting anything, just enjoy it. Hard to do when you panic and dry up. Board games, somebody else said, which would fill the evening up, and stop me panicking.

Maybe that is  all the insights  I need. Do you agree?

 

Edited May 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Realitysux]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I am female & I don't understand your level of social anxiety. Having a stranger in my house would make my anxiety sky high.  Meeting somebody in a public place is so much safer. 

If you ask a man to your home for a 1st date I don't care who that man is he will assume you are asking him over for sex.  Even if you point blank state that you don't plan to have sex for 3 months he will either think you are just saying that but don't really mean it or he will conclude that your behavior is so far outside of the social norms that he will lose interest in dating you.   Either way this being the 1st step to a successful relationship is highly unlikely.  You are also setting up a scenario where you are teaching the guy that you have zero expectations, & he will never have to make any effort to curry favor with you. The whole thing is a recipe for disaster. 

If you really can't handle meeting in a restaurant find something you are comfortable with that is not in your house & do that instead:  go for a walk; take a small picnic to a park near your home; play mini golf.  What you do doesn't matter as long as the 1st few dates are not in your home.   My rule of thumb:  if you are not DTF avoid date locations that have beds or couches -- no your house, no his house, no overnights, etc

 I have tons of dating experience. I may not now a days but I have a ton from before. I got you covered 😉

You pick a date and message me, I'll walk you through it all. 

[Realitysux]

I think a relationship is the like the icing on the cake. I think you should take care of life matters first 😉

[Fletch Lives]

If it happens, love takes a couple of months. Around that time people open up more to each other.

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, deepthinking said:

Yes. But my anxiety has started recently. 

But I developed this fear. I think it is a fear of failure.   Somebody said don't go in to dating  expecting anything, just enjoy it. Hard to do when you panic and dry up. Board games, somebody else said, which would fill the evening up, and stop me panicking.

Your anxiety has another source.  You need to figure out where that is coming from.  

Then remember the person you were -- the person who could have a fling, the person who dated, the person who has life experience. 

Think about what the worst case scenario around dating is & then make plans to counter.  Do you fear running out of things to talk about?  Craft 3-4 open ended questions you can ask if the conversation lags.  Are you afraid that you will spill food on yourself?  Bring a Tide pen or some other stain remover in your purse.  Only order white food that doesn't stain.  Are you afraid you will clam up, stutter, or have some other linguist gaff?  Try to remember that the other person will be so busy focusing on themselves & their own nervousness they either won't notice or will be relieved.  

If you like board games, great you can play them with a new person.  Just not in your house.  Meet in a coffee shop.  I was in a meet up group for a while that met to play games.  It was a lot of fun.  There is a phone app called Hangouts where you can play virtual games.  Just be cautious about letting a stranger in your house.  Learn from the example offered by Realitysux.  She thought they were just going to sit by a fire but he tried something on her couch & then bailed when she shut it down.  

[basil67]

17 hours ago, deepthinking said:

Board games, somebody else said, which would fill the evening up, and stop me panicking.

Early dates are for getting to know each other, not hiding from conversation with a board game. 

[deepthinking]

Thanks everybody.