I have destroyed my partner

[Dexterr]

Hello everyone, 


I found this forum while desperately Googling for help because what else can one do during lockdown. Thank you for opening my thread, please offer me your help if you have any. 

I cheated on my partner. The one woman I love dearest, I betrayed. I did so because when we met, I was quite fresh out of a relationship with someone who cheated on me and used me for 2 years. Life with the ex was toxic, it involved tons of drugs, no intimacy, constant bickering, it was not good.

When I met my current partner, she was strange to me. She wasn't like any other attention-seeking girl who is shallow and needy, instead, she was a woman who had seen the worst of life and made it out, confident, secure, successful and content. I had never met a woman like that. I was a sad virgin for a while and after I grew up, I got cocky and shallow after finally getting attention from slutty girls and other low-lives, to be frank. I constantly needed approval and attention from people who don't even matter. My partner was one who noticed that immediately, she was cautious and did have her walls up. Me being the shallow insecure prick that I was, I projected that onto her and figured that she was insecure and rude. I thought "How dare she not want me". I was a horrible person when I met her. HORRIBLE. I hid my insecurity underneath a thick layer of cockiness. She couldn't even be nice to me or compliment me, I'd brush it off and say "of course you'd say that", that's how rude I was. 

Slowly I started to change. I started seeing her more clearly. She was inspiring. But throughout our entire relationship, I was cheating and lying. It was all online because I was a coward who couldn't even "cheat properly". I lied to myself, said "it's not that bad, did it already, doesn't matter" and just kept going, afterwards removing it from my mind. I didn't even think about it, ever, when I wasn't doing it. It was an impulse in the moment when I felt bad about my partner, for whatever reason. It was approval. Shallow, gross approval from a dugged up tramp. 

After a year, 5 months ago, my partner found out. She got a gut feeling. I should have told her from the get-go, but this is what I did: I just lied. I tortured her for months, I made her sit there and beg me for truth for hours, I just tortured her. I made her, a good, loyal, confident woman, feel stupid, worthless, ugly. I did that to her for months. I feel so much shame for that. I was lying to myself about lying, if that makes any sense. I was so far up my own a** I didn't even know what I was doing. I got mad at HER. I went off on HER. Why? I don't know. She has tried so hard to stay, but the deceiving is what kills her most. 

This is where we are today - she has bursts where she becomes violent. She tears up her own skin when she starts spinning because she "wants to get out of her own skin". Once she smashed her head open after collapsing on the floor. She hates herself. She is suicidal sometimes. She has had seizures that are caused by stress, her mind literally collapses. She is completely broken. She has days where she's better, often a week, but then she falls apart again. At first it was daily, which shows that there HAS been progress. But now, when she breaks, it's horrid. Once I was talking over her on the phone like a moron, not letting her speak, and she was screaming, begging me on the other end to just stop. She screamed so bad her throat was bleeding afterwards. 

I never cared about anyone else, I didn't even know them. I went there 20x throughout 1 year, but lied to her so much and threw her under the bus multiple times. 

I'm sorry that this post is a mess, I cannot get my thoughts in order right now. As of today, my partner is my role model. She is everything I aspire to be. She has proved to me that we define our worth, not others. She has taught me that if I love someone, I love them the way they need to be loved, not how I think they should be loved. She has taught me to be a gentleman, and I know I will never do anything like this to anyone, ever again. Especially not an angel like her. I have become more honest in general. I don't even speed in my car anymore, I finished university thanks to her. Hadn't I met her, I would be dead by 30. 

We have good days, many of them. She is very happy then. We go hiking, on road trips, or we just stay home and enjoy our company. But when something triggers the trauma, she cannot control it. I always knew that betrayal is that ONE thing she is afraid of. I always knew. I didn't care, I was selfish. 

If you have any advice. Please. 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Dexterr

[elaine567]

PTSD from your maltreatment of her, she needs to go seek professional help.
I doubt she can fix this on her own.

[schlumpy]

I get the sincerity of your confession but although I'm sure you typed with lots of raw emotion you surely realize they are just words on paper. Todays bit of self-control on your part comes from age and experience and not from some radical transformation of your character. The selfish part of you may be somewhat subdued for the moment but selfish people do not become unselfish overnight. The best they can do is learn new behaviors for certain situations or avoid activities, interactions and environments that makes their selfishness a natural response.

The selfishness will always be there because the universe revolves around their existence. Everyone struggles with negative aspects of their personality.

You damaged a person that opened up to you and your answer to that damage was not to drive fast anymore? Considering the lifelong scars you've inflicted it doesn't strike me as a proportionate response.

Counseling is in order especially for you. You don't need to understand your selfishness. You need to learn techniques that can allow you to master it so that it's not a dominant part of your decision making process. "Who you are" has to diminish so that there is room for "we." That means she is the number one thing is your life for awhile. It may go on for a few years. Some people take a long time to get over betrayal. You must become secondary until you can make yourself worthy enough to stand beside her again. 

It's up to you to make a safe place that she can return to. You broke it and it's hundred percent on you to fix it and without any pat on the back at the end of what will be a very long and frustrating road.

After all, you are only restoring what you think you had. You are not improving it - yet.

 

[Dexterr]

4 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I get the sincerity of your confession but although I'm sure you typed with lots of raw emotion you surely realize they are just words on paper. Todays bit of self-control on your part comes from age and experience and not from some radical transformation of your character. The selfish part of you may be somewhat subdued for the moment but selfish people do not become unselfish overnight. The best they can do is learn new behaviors for certain situations or avoid activities, interactions and environments that makes their selfishness a natural response.

The selfishness will always be there because the universe revolves around their existence. Everyone struggles with negative aspects of their personality.

You damaged a person that opened up to you and your answer to that damage was not to drive fast anymore? Considering the lifelong scars you've inflicted it doesn't strike me as a proportionate response.

Counseling is in order especially for you. You don't need to understand your selfishness. You need to learn techniques that can allow you to master it so that it's not a dominant part of your decision making process. "Who you are" has to diminish so that there is room for "we." That means she is the number one thing is your life for awhile. It may go on for a few years. Some people take a long time to get over betrayal. You must become secondary until you can make yourself worthy enough to stand beside her again. 

It's up to you to make a safe place that she can return to. You broke it and it's hundred percent on you to fix it and without any pat on the back at the end of what will be a very long and frustrating road.

After all, you are only restoring what you think you had. You are not improving it - yet.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply and help.

This whole experience really HAS changed me. The reason why I was this selfish and horrible was because I was drugged up most of the time, surrounded with bad people and incredibly full of myself. I got through life by lying and deceiving. I was shallow and rude. My partner also feels that this is a temporary change, but I know it isn't. For the first time in my life I was hit with reality and was brought back down to Earth. I quit smoking thanks to her ages ago, I still did drugs here and there and wouldn't tell her because I didn't care, I drove under influence and like an idiot, putting others and myself into risk. When she asked me to stop, I thought she was nagging. 

She is a very respectable and successful person, while still being humble, genuine and kind. She has never had anyone not abandon her. She was the least favourite/preferred child, she was abused in her past relationship, friends up and dump her for no reason. I made her think that she could trust me. And seeing what I've done, I feel immense guilt. I know I'm not going back, I don't want to be "that pig". She deserves the whole world and more, every man knows that. She is everything, I am afraid that she will never believe what I see. Sometimes she just sobs and says that she thinks she's too ruined. She questions herself more than she questions me.

This is all on me, you are 100% correct. I am afraid that I can't help her. She's not scared of anything, except for betrayal. And I betrayed her in so many ways, like a coward. I feel at a loss because I just want her to be okay again. Sometimes I don't know how to help anymore. 

Sorry for the mess, feeling very emotional today.

[ExpatInItaly]

She needs urgent professional help, OP.

Her reaction to the pain (clawing at herself, spinning, seizing, collapsing, talking about suicide, screaming until she bleeds) is incredibly dangerous and not what most people would consider to be a reasonable or proportionate response to emotional upset. I don't say that to minimize her pain, but rather to highlight the importance that she seek medical and psychological attention as soon as humanly possible. She is going to get badly hurt one of these days; she's already doing grave damage to her emotional and physical well-being. 

Your behaviour was bad. I realize you know this now. It might well be too late to make this right, given how profoundly this has affected her. Sometimes there is just no coming back, but the more pertinent matter for the moment is that she get qualified and compassionate third-party help in managing her emotions. You two won't be able to manage this on your own - it's above both of your pay grades. That might include couple's counselling, but I would wait until she has the opinion of a professional who can evaluate her and recommend the best course of care. 

[Dexterr]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She needs urgent professional help, OP.

Her reaction to the pain (clawing at herself, spinning, seizing, collapsing, talking about suicide, screaming until she bleeds) is incredibly dangerous and not what most people would consider to be a reasonable or proportionate response to emotional upset. I don't say that to minimize her pain, but rather to highlight the importance that she seek medical and psychological attention as soon as humanly possible. She is going to get badly hurt one of these days; she's already doing grave damage to her emotional and physical well-being. 

Your behaviour was bad. I realize you know this now. It might well be too late to make this right, given how profoundly this has affected her. Sometimes there is just no coming back, but the more pertinent matter for the moment is that she get qualified and compassionate third-party help in managing her emotions. You two won't be able to manage this on your own - it's above both of your pay grades. That might include couple's counselling, but I would wait until she has the opinion of a professional who can evaluate her and recommend the best course of care. 

Her plan is to go see a professional as soon as possible - in this small town there weren't many options prior to quarantine to begin with. But restrictions are starting to drop, though lines will be very long, I am sure. 

What can I do till then? I try take care of her best I can. I surprise her with flowers, gifts, I cook for her, clean afterwards, comfort her best I can. Tell her what I see in her. This morning she started crying simply because I went to the shop for Granny Smith apples, which are her favourite. It tears me apart that I did something like this to someone this pure and genuine. She still mainly worries about my happiness and puts herself second. I want to do more but I don't know what or how.

[JS84]

Maybe she'd be better without you in her life.

[Dexterr]

Just now, JS84 said:

Maybe she'd be better without you in her life.

We have talked about it. She knows she'd be fine without me, I know that, too. She's consistent with wanting to try, except for when the trauma hits and she starts spinning out of control. Then she talks about leaving. Otherwise she's hopeful. 

[Mrin]

28 minutes ago, Dexterr said:

Her plan is to go see a professional as soon as possible - in this small town there weren't many options prior to quarantine to begin with. But restrictions are starting to drop, though lines will be very long, I am sure. 

What can I do till then? I try take care of her best I can. I surprise her with flowers, gifts, I cook for her, clean afterwards, comfort her best I can. Tell her what I see in her. This morning she started crying simply because I went to the shop for Granny Smith apples, which are her favourite. It tears me apart that I did something like this to someone this pure and genuine. She still mainly worries about my happiness and puts herself second. I want to do more but I don't know what or how.

A lot of therapists have telepractices. So you can get her on a video call even during quarantine. My suggestion would be to start that process immediately and not wait for things to go back to normal. 

[assertives]

I too think she would probably be better off without you in her life. I don't say this to be mean or rub it in your face. But you are obviously not good for her. The damage is done and probably will have life-long ramifications. Breach of trust, infidelity and betrayal is a gift that keeps on giving. Perhaps someday, she'll learn to love and trust again, but it would never quite be the same again.

Both you and her should get into individual therapy. She'll likely need years of therapy to come back from all that, and she may actually heal better without your presence and the relationship constantly reminding, triggering and re-triggering her. You also need to get into therapy and work on yourself. You are not suitable to be in a relationship then and even now. 

[Redhead14]

Her behavior is extreme for the what is going on between you two now.  That behavior indicates a mental/emotional issue that existed prior to what you did.  If she has PTSD, it's not because of what you did.  What you did may have triggered her to something in her past and that is more likely.  I'd try to get her to a mental health professional as soon as possible.  And, don't say you know her well enough to know there was no past trauma.  A great majority of people who have been traumatized (depending on what it was) keep it a secret at all costs and for many years sometimes.

Edited May 7, 2020 by Redhead14

[JS84]

1 hour ago, Dexterr said:

We have talked about it. She knows she'd be fine without me, I know that, too. She's consistent with wanting to try, except for when the trauma hits and she starts spinning out of control. Then she talks about leaving. Otherwise she's hopeful. 

Just because she's willing to try doesn't mean having you around is good for her. And Hopium is never a good excuse for staying in a toxic relationship. I mean no offense but you sound extremely toxic and probably aren't good for any woman at the moment. You might have to do the right thing by her, for once, and leave on your own accord. Based on what you've told us I find it very unlikely she's going to have an easy time healing with you in the picture. You've hurt her far more than you've helped and more than you probably ever could help.

It sounds like you both have a lot of issues you need to work on individually before you should even think about trying to repair such a toxic and dysfunctional relationship.

[Fletch Lives]

24 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

Her behavior is extreme for the what is going on between you two now.  That behavior indicates a mental/emotional issue that existed prior to what you did.  If she has PTSD, it's not because of what you did.  What you did may have triggered her to something in her past and that is more likely.  I'd try to get her to a mental health professional as soon as possible.  And, don't say you know her well enough to know there was no past trauma.  A great majority of people who have been traumatized (depending on what it was) keep it a secret at all costs and for many years sometimes.

 - Fantastic post. She does have emotional baggage that should be addressed - a counselor can explore this with her and teach her ways to make it more manageable.

[LynneVicious]

Considering you are the source of all of her pain, and her reactions are dangerous to the point of physical harm, I would tell you to not be selfish and leave her be. 
 

Tell her you know you are the cause of her pain and you don’t want to put her through anymore. Just you being with her is causing her stress because it triggers very unhealthy emotional and physical responses. Break with her to cease more damage. She may be a mess for a while, but I think at least she will heal from that, whereas staying with you will cause constant stress. 
 

In the meantime, because of the quarantine m, and if she can’t get to a therapist, there are several mental health lines she can call as well as emergency mental health services which even come to you. 

[smackie9]

She says she is fine with working on this....she's in denial. Her out bursts are from her pushing her emotions down....she's doing this all wrong.

She blames herself, she wonders what if, what is wrong with her, etc. She needs to explore these emotions with a therapist and stop punishing you and herself.

[mark clemson]

This is not a diagnosis or anything, but I think there's something wrong with her beyond anything to do with your cheating and trickle-truthing. Maybe this triggered it, but I think she wasn't the idealized person you think she was. She was putting on a strong face masking some serious issues and my belief is they would have started coming out eventually regardless. No doubt the cheating didn't help (at all) and so here you are. I agree with those suggesting you help her find therapy from a professional.

Edit: Again, not a diagnosis, but consider the possibility that this is a chemical issue - something caused in part by medical issues with her brain chemistry. That possibility would again be something for a professional to investigate.

Edited May 7, 2020 by mark clemson

[primer]

Keep an eye out for karma.

 

 

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, Dexterr said:

but this is what I did: I just lied. I tortured her for months, I made her sit there and beg me for truth for hours, I just tortured her. I made her, a good, loyal, confident woman, feel stupid, worthless, ugly. I did that to her for months. I feel so much shame for that. I was lying to myself about lying, if that makes any sense. I was so far up my own a** I didn't even know what I was doing. I got mad at HER. I went off on HER. Why? I don't know. She has tried so hard to stay, but the deceiving is what kills her most. 

It wasn't just the cheating it was the mental torture, the gaslighting, the emotional abuse and the prolonged demolition of who she really was.
Yes she may have had prior issues but not necessarily
This was seriously damaging stuff.
 

[mark clemson]

I'm confused. "Torture" can cover a lot of ground and I'm curious what specifically is meant here. It sounds like she was suspicious, you were hiding the affair, and became defensive when questioned. As I read this, that's why you got mad.

Is there more than this?  You snapped at her? Yelled at her? Not the healthiest actions certainly, but - is there more? What else? How much yelling? A lot of relationships (and even some fragile personalities) can handle some arguing, even some yelling. Did you rub the fact of the affair in her face to increase her distress? Did you hold it over her head in some way? What was "torture"?

Partly I ask because I don't think a person who's "confident, secure, successful and content" (your words) would be sticking around too long for "torture". A person who's truly like this would either push back so the "torture" stopped or leave the relationship. Yet she somehow stuck this out and is continuing to stay with you. Why?

Respectfully, this doesn't add up for me - it seems to me that either the "torture" wasn't quite so bad as you're making it out to be, or she's never was quite the person you seem to think she is. That doesn't mean you didn't "break" her, but there must have been some cracks in the foundation. Else why is she sticking around in some sort of co-dependence mode in a hurtful relationship?

Lots of BS's apparently get trickle-truthed and are very justifiably distressed, freaked out, angered, etc.  But only some of them, at least from what I read around her, stick around but turn to self-harm as a "result". I think it's pretty safe to say that isn't a healthy behavior pattern, and I question if that person was every really fully healthy beforehand.

By the way, none of the above makes your cheating "alright". Clearly you hurt her deeply, whether you ever intended to or not.

[Realitysux]

🤔

[mark clemson]

BTW -

15 hours ago, Dexterr said:

 She is suicidal sometimes.

If she's genuinely suicidal, you really need to call authorities. She might not appreciate the "help" as much as one would like, but that's normally the correct thing to do. That's outside of your paygrade, and even if it's not it would be your responsibility to recuse yourself (as a romantic partner).

Getting a EMT/psychiatry team (or whatever your local equivalent is) involved could actually be one way to get her the help she apparently needs.

[Dexterr]

17 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Her behavior is extreme for the what is going on between you two now.  That behavior indicates a mental/emotional issue that existed prior to what you did.  If she has PTSD, it's not because of what you did.  What you did may have triggered her to something in her past and that is more likely.  I'd try to get her to a mental health professional as soon as possible.  And, don't say you know her well enough to know there was no past trauma.  A great majority of people who have been traumatized (depending on what it was) keep it a secret at all costs and for many years sometimes.

There is a lot of trauma. Always has been in her life. 
 

She was beated and abused in her past relationship, she grew up with a mother who would drive her to school and then say “I will leave and never come back if you don’t act normal” when she was 6-10. When 13-14, the mother would sit her down and tell her how she pities her and feels sorry for her, how she’ll never be anything. Last time she saw her, 2 months ago, the mother blamed my partner for going out in public (after the mother had just returned from an international fair), the mother told her that if she’s infected with the virus and if something happens to her, it’s my partner’s fault. They work together so the mother told my partner to stay at work but she better go home, it’s a big company we’re talking about, with tons of people employed. We talked about it last night and my partner is still so distraught because her mother used her health and, death, to hurt her. It’s Mother’s day here this weekend and my partner will still bake a cake for mother with her little sister, whom she adores. 
 

Those are just examples. She never had any control over what people threw her into. She was either their daughter or isolated and alone, beaten, in a foreign country where she moved to, in order to be with her previous partner. And those are just examples. 
 

I made her think she could trust me. I told her stories of how good and loyal I was, while stabbing her in the back. I want to be honest about it now. I cannot explain how much shame I feel, though it’s nothing compared to what she’s facing. 

[Dexterr]

13 hours ago, primer said:

Keep an eye out for karma.

 

 

I think it has already reached me. And that’s okay. 

[Dexterr]

16 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Considering you are the source of all of her pain, and her reactions are dangerous to the point of physical harm, I would tell you to not be selfish and leave her be. 
 

Tell her you know you are the cause of her pain and you don’t want to put her through anymore. Just you being with her is causing her stress because it triggers very unhealthy emotional and physical responses. Break with her to cease more damage. She may be a mess for a while, but I think at least she will heal from that, whereas staying with you will cause constant stress. 
 

In the meantime, because of the quarantine m, and if she can’t get to a therapist, there are several mental health lines she can call as well as emergency mental health services which even come to you. 

I keep seeing improvements, which is holding me from leaving her. She was okay for a week this time, she occupied her time by exercising and crocheting beautiful things or drawing. She smiled so much and was happy, she came up with ways for me to help her when she’s losing it. She felt bad so often but controlled it very well, I’ve been so proud of her. She asked me to hang in there with her, said that it will get better, and it has. 
 

Maybe I am selfish still. I don’t know. No, I really don’t want to lose her. Once she asked me to “give mercy and go”, which I did. She was right, I had hurt her so much and she deserves better. I know that. A few days later she contacted me and we talked, truly, for the first time. After that the improvements started. 
 

I just keep thinking there’s a way that we’ll be okay again, I see it so often. I want nothing more than to have a calm life with her again. 

[Dexterr]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'm confused. "Torture" can cover a lot of ground and I'm curious what specifically is meant here. It sounds like she was suspicious, you were hiding the affair, and became defensive when questioned. As I read this, that's why you got mad.

Is there more than this?  You snapped at her? Yelled at her? Not the healthiest actions certainly, but - is there more? What else? How much yelling? A lot of relationships (and even some fragile personalities) can handle some arguing, even some yelling. Did you rub the fact of the affair in her face to increase her distress? Did you hold it over her head in some way? What was "torture"?

Partly I ask because I don't think a person who's "confident, secure, successful and content" (your words) would be sticking around too long for "torture". A person who's truly like this would either push back so the "torture" stopped or leave the relationship. Yet she somehow stuck this out and is continuing to stay with you. Why?

Respectfully, this doesn't add up for me - it seems to me that either the "torture" wasn't quite so bad as you're making it out to be, or she's never was quite the person you seem to think she is. That doesn't mean you didn't "break" her, but there must have been some cracks in the foundation. Else why is she sticking around in some sort of co-dependence mode in a hurtful relationship?

Lots of BS's apparently get trickle-truthed and are very justifiably distressed, freaked out, angered, etc.  But only some of them, at least from what I read around her, stick around but turn to self-harm as a "result". I think it's pretty safe to say that isn't a healthy behavior pattern, and I question if that person was every really fully healthy beforehand.

By the way, none of the above makes your cheating "alright". Clearly you hurt her deeply, whether you ever intended to or not.

My cheating will never be alright, ever. It will always be the most cowardly thing I’ve ever done. 
 

When I say “torture”, I really do mean torture. I blamed her, I yelled at her, I flipped her off and told her to get out of my car and dumped her there while it was freezing cold outside. I did a lot more, I was horrible to her. Approximately 2-3 months of that. After that I told her the full truth of what I did and the extent of it. Then the fog I snapped out of and I realised what I’d done. I cannot explain it but I was just so SO far gone. I don’t know how it’s humanely possible. 
 

I assure I’m not that abusive a**h*** anymore. I want to be better and I’m honest about it all now.