How can I go about working on things with my ex slowly?

[Markliance]

Would love some advice or just thoughts

Was with my girl for a year. She ended it just over a month ago as I had the tendency to smother her and be needy at times. The coronavirus put pressure in her and her job. We tried living together during the virus but it was too much. Issues with space and overall stress so she ended it. The break up itself was one of cuddles, kisses and tears. And we left on good terms.

We didn't speak for 3 weeks. I messaged her yesterday as I was doing a quiz and a question reminded me of a happy moment me and my ex had on our holiday. I texted her about it, then we sent a few texts back and forth throughout the day about what we've been up to in those three weeks.

It was nice to see she was more detailed in her texts than she was a couple of weeks before the breakup. No curt answers like before, instead there was additional detail.

No wishful thinking from my part, yet it's hard to distinguish between what is wishful thinking and what feels right. When we broke up I thought we were meant to be together, but I realised this was from a place of fear that I'd lose her. But now that we've had a few weeks of space, I feel we're meant to be together, but this time I don't fear losing her. We needed to break up, we both had issues.

She admitted in the break up that she wished she communicated her thoughts before breaking up, but it was too late for her to backtrack now as she had been stressing this decision for a few weeks before break up. And for me I had the tendency to put her on a pedestal a lot, was too available to her. She loved me when we broke up but was no longer in love, which now I understand a lot, thanks to the internet, family and friends. 

I've been in longer relationships where the connection was no where near what me and my current ex had. There was loads of sex, laughter, care and love, even when there arguments about space in the last two weeks of us being together before splitting up. I can't speak for her, but I'm starting to see that maybe a reason she ended it was because she's never been in a relationship before, or dated anyone for longer than a month. 

Right now I can easily let her go and move on with time as I'm in a much better space than I was when we first ended.

We genuinely did work, same future goals and everything. The one problem was communication. I really believe that if she communicated better, we would have worked on our issues instead of breaking up.

Now I know lines of communication with her are open, and I'll actually get responses rather than curt answers to be civil, with time I'd like to build that connection with her again. I know it'll take time as I've done it before.

I'd love to hear some opinions on this. Am I being daft or am I speaking any sense haha?

I'm not asking IF I should attempt this, but HOW I should do this? Knowing my ex and how we were, both when official and in dating, going no contact to make her miss me would never work. She doesn't like the chase, and has never got on with lads that play that game of acting mysterious, aloof or 'missing' (yeah she really is a rare type), probably makes sense with her lack of relationship experience. We are both 26 so this isn't some university game playing haha

- Markliance
 

[kendahke]

47 minutes ago, Markliance said:

Right now I can easily let her go and move on with time as I'm in a much better space than I was when we first ended.

This is what you should keep to.

She hasn't said anything to you about wanting to get back together with you.

Generally speaking, once a woman has gotten away from an "emotional octopus", they are very reluctant to get entangled with them again, especially if the guy hasn't been through some continuing therapy to resolve their insecurity issues.

She's got no reason to have to unzip the lizard on you because you're not crowding her. The minute you start crowding her with talk about getting back together, she's going to push back and get curt with you again.

[Markliance]

4 minutes ago, kendahke said:

This is what you should keep to.

She hasn't said anything to you about wanting to get back together with you.

Generally speaking, once a woman has gotten away from an "emotional octopus", they are very reluctant to get entangled with them again, especially if the guy hasn't been through some continuing therapy to resolve their insecurity issues.

She's got no reason to have to unzip the lizard on you because you're not crowding her. The minute you start crowding her with talk about getting back together, she's going to push back and get curt with you again.

Hi there cheers reply your post!

The insecurity issues wasn't to the extent where I needed to speak to someone professional for help, I just slowly started to put her in a pedestal apart halfway through the relationship and I didn't stop (it wasn't full on).

Also I know the way she is, she'd never ask me back on text or even on the phone. It's something that'd take time, I don't think I'd ever go back or take someone back as soon as the words " I made a mistake ending things, let's work on things". After all, our old relationship is finished anyway. Rushing into a new one would be a mistake. It's like dating, you wouldn't rush into that.

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, Markliance said:

She doesn't like the chase, and has never got on with lads that play that game of acting mysterious, aloof or 'missing' (yeah she really is a rare type)

Quit bullsh-tting yourself.

Sounds like you've still got her on that pedestal, which is was got you dumped in the first place. Your ex is not a unicorn. She's not a special special princess. Don't be 100% sure she didn't end things with you to start something with another less needy guy she was lining up. 

All women are attracted to men who convey high value. A high value man is busy, not always available, and has a lot of options, which means he's never investing too much too soon into any one girl. He is so non-needy that this can come off as mysterious, aloof, hard-to-get etc. Women are more attracted to men they can't figure out and nail down, and who have lots of options with women, who are very non-needy. 

Your next course of action is to meet new women and begin dating them, become a man who is desired by other women, and who is not going to become needy and smothering in relationships. Then, and only then, will you be able to have a successful rekindling with your ex at some point in the future. 3 weeks isn't long enough for your change and growth to be authentic and permanent. 

If you use her texts as an opportunity to pursue her again, you'll go right back where you started. 

 

[kendahke]

29 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I know the way she is, she'd never ask me back on text or even on the phone.

and she isn't asking to meet up with you in person, so that means she's not of the mind to have that conversation with you.

[Markliance]

23 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Quit bullsh-tting yourself.

Sounds like you've still got her on that pedestal, which is was got you dumped in the first place. Your ex is not a unicorn. She's not a special special princess. Don't be 100% sure she didn't end things with you to start something with another less needy guy she was lining up. 

All women are attracted to men who convey high value. A high value man is busy, not always available, and has a lot of options, which means he's never investing too much too soon into any one girl. He is so non-needy that this can come off as mysterious, aloof, hard-to-get etc. Women are more attracted to men they can't figure out and nail down, and who have lots of options with women, who are very non-needy. 

Your next course of action is to meet new women and begin dating them, become a man who is desired by other women, and who is not going to become needy and smothering in relationships. Then, and only then, will you be able to have a successful rekindling with your ex at some point in the future. 3 weeks isn't long enough for your change and growth to be authentic and permanent. 

If you use her texts as an opportunity to pursue her again, you'll go right back where you started. 

 

Haha I'm sorry but me and her live in a very small community. Our jobs are the countryside, nearest town or city is 30 miles away, so there really is no one else in the picture for either of us. Heck I've already been on the dating apps last few days, in a 20 mile radius I've already gone through all the options before the 'no one else is in your area message' appears. This happened twice in a couple of days. And you know what, she didn't appear in either.

Also I want to state that I'm not calling anyone a unicorn. There are actually some women that don't like the chase, I also have very close female friends that don't like the chase or 'hard to get'. They've called it manipulative. An ex is never going to see a previous partner as mysterious if there was a deep connection.

I've been a dumper several times. Sometimes after a week, sometimes months after a breakup, I've wondered about the dumpee. Sometimes I've wanted to reconcile. Then I think about how they never reached out, even once. That comes across to me as they're either hurting or not interested. And as I once loved them and cared for them, shared life with them, I respect that they don't want to talk. So if the the dumpee doesn't reach out, and the dumper equally doesn't reach out, then you're at a stalemate. Someone's got to make a move.

If me saying what someone is like is a sign of putting them on a pedestal then nobody would have an opinion on anyone surely haha! Sometimes you know someone. 

I really do understand when people say the same thing: don't reach out, they're not interested and all that. But please don't make it sound like it's gospel. Nothing in life is black or white.

Edited May 7, 2020 by Markliance

[Markliance]

19 minutes ago, kendahke said:

and she isn't asking to meet up with you in person, so that means she's not of the mind to have that conversation with you.

You make a very fair point, but I wouldn't go straight in if I was her, I'd be wary if her intentions. Our sexual chemistry was very strong so I'd think that was her intention.

A builder told me once, putting a plaster on a broken wall doesn't fix it. You need time to get the tools, cement mixed, bricks cut to correct size and then apply.

[rjc149]

I'm not saying she was in fact lining someone up. I'm just advising you to not be so certain that she would, or could, or did. Unless you two were living together in a remote cabin deep in the wilderness.  

And you're stating that some women do not like aloof, mysterious men because why, a few women told you so? 

It sounds a lot like you're in the mindset of "trust me, I know my ex, she's so unique and rare and special, she would never go for a guy she had to chase." Again, which is a mindset that got you dumped, as you've even acknowledged.

Look, you're clearly a romantic, emotional guy and that's not a bad thing. Just don't be a hopeless romantic. Don't let your need to romanticize your ex cloud the reality of how female attraction works. My advice is that because you were dumped for being needy and insecure, you need to delete that completely, any trace of it. That takes time, not 3 weeks. Time. And it takes a fundamental shift in your core mindset about women. That mindset must shift to having abundance. A man with an abundance mindset does not put women on pedestals.  

The best advice is to respond to her with curt civility while you date new women. If you want to ignore that, because your ex isn't like all the other girls and she's worth fighting for, then go do that. 

[Markliance]

49 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I'm not saying she was in fact lining someone up. I'm just advising you to not be so certain that she would, or could, or did. Unless you two were living together in a remote cabin deep in the wilderness.  

And you're stating that some women do not like aloof, mysterious men because why, a few women told you so? 

It sounds a lot like you're in the mindset of "trust me, I know my ex, she's so unique and rare and special, she would never go for a guy she had to chase." Again, which is a mindset that got you dumped, as you've even acknowledged.

Look, you're clearly a romantic, emotional guy and that's not a bad thing. Just don't be a hopeless romantic. Don't let your need to romanticize your ex cloud the reality of how female attraction works. My advice is that because you were dumped for being needy and insecure, you need to delete that completely, any trace of it. That takes time, not 3 weeks. Time. And it takes a fundamental shift in your core mindset about women. That mindset must shift to having abundance. A man with an abundance mindset does not put women on pedestals.  

The best advice is to respond to her with curt civility while you date new women. If you want to ignore that, because your ex isn't like all the other girls and she's worth fighting for, then go do that. 

Haha no I don't have the mindset that no women like aloofness. I can only speak from what they don't like, my ex included. There's no blueprint to what women like or don't like and all that stuff.

When we made it official, my ex was so glad I didn't play aloof. That's why I can say I know what she likes because we've had so many talks about that in general, especially when we were first dating. I hate the chase just as much as her, it's game playing without realising.

I know that 3 weeks isn't enough time to change someone. 3 weeks is enough time to make a start. I'm glad I didn't plead for her once. I'm glad I still haven't pleaded or asked for a second chance. I take pride in that.

[rjc149]

27 minutes ago, Markliance said:

Haha no I don't have the mindset that no women like aloofness. I can only speak from what they don't like, my ex included. There's no blueprint to what women like or don't like and all that stuff.

There is, in fact, a blueprint on what triggers female attraction, and what turns them off. Clingy, smothering, needy behavior from emotional beta males turns them off. Every woman, every time. Your ex included. 

 

29 minutes ago, Markliance said:

my ex was so glad I didn't play aloof. That's why I can say I know what she likes because we've had so many talks about that

Yup. And by behaving in the available, complaint way she said she liked, you turned her off, and she dumped you. Reality. 

 

34 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I'm glad I didn't plead for her once. I'm glad I still haven't pleaded or asked for a second chance. I take pride in that.

You should, because it means you've retained your self-respect, and you've got a chance with her. But you will blow that chance if you go back to your needy smothering ways. The way you re-ignite her *sexual* attraction for you (which she lost, and consequently ended the sexual relationship) is to behave like a high-value, alpha man who has other options with women. She needs to PURSUE YOU now. Don't bullsh-t yourself otherwise. This is how female attraction works brother. It's just the way it is. 

Or, you can go back to doing what she says she likes, not doing what she says she doesn't like, and making sure you're always there for her when she needs you. See how that works out. 

[Markliance]

21 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

There is, in fact, a blueprint on what triggers female attraction, and what turns them off. Clingy, smothering, needy behavior from emotional beta males turns them off. Every woman, every time. Your ex included. 

 

Yup. And by behaving in the available, complaint way she said she liked, you turned her off, and she dumped you. Reality. 

 

You should, because it means you've retained your self-respect, and you've got a chance with her. But you will blow that chance if you go back to your needy smothering ways. The way you re-ignite her *sexual* attraction for you (which she lost, and consequently ended the sexual relationship) is to behave like a high-value, alpha man who has other options with women. She needs to PURSUE YOU now. Don't bullsh-t yourself otherwise. This is how female attraction works brother. It's just the way it is. 

Or, you can go back to doing what she says she likes, not doing what she says she doesn't like, and making sure you're always there for her when she needs you. See how that works out. 

Haha oh no, my non-aloofness behaviour when we were first dating is different to the person that I ended up being last few months of our relationship.

Yeah I've already decided to not blow-up her phone. I was very guilty of that during our relationship. I wonder if she's surprised that I didn't reach out once in those 3 weeks, and I bet you anything that she was expecting me everyday to call or text. Probably earned some respect back already.

What is funny is that for the first since Christmas she posted on Facebook twice a short while ago, a status about something she's been working on last few weeks. Funny how that was only about an hourg after I left her on read talking about the same thing (didn't leave her on read on purpose, the conversation just wasn't going anywhere).

 

How do you show the alpha life when you can't do anything fun because of this coronavirus, nothing to post on social media haha

Edited May 7, 2020 by Markliance

[rjc149]

2 minutes ago, Markliance said:

Probably earned some respect back already.

Earn it all back by dating new women. Set some boundaries and enforce them. If she dumps you, she loses you to another woman. There are consequences. 

That's how you get her back. 

[Realitysux]

🧐

[rjc149]

15 minutes ago, Markliance said:

How do you show the alpha life when you can't do anything fun because of this coronavirus, nothing to post on social media haha

It's not about showing it on social media lol! You think those idiots posting in Instagram with sports cars and paid escorts and hottubs and stacks of $100 bills are alpha? Or are they profoundly insecure men who desperately, desperately, need approval? 

Live the alpha life in this case by walking away. She dumped you, okay. Accept her decision, wish her the best and graciously bow out, and move on to new women. If she wants to come back, it's YOUR decision to take her back. That's the alpha way to handle this. 

[Markliance]

18 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

It's not about showing it on social media lol! You think those idiots posting in Instagram with sports cars and paid escorts and hottubs and stacks of $100 bills are alpha? Or are they profoundly insecure men who desperately, desperately, need approval? 

Live the alpha life in this case by walking away. She dumped you, okay. Accept her decision, wish her the best and graciously bow out, and move on to new women. If she wants to come back, it's YOUR decision to take her back. That's the alpha way to handle this. 

Haha I've actual been talking to another woman already, great chat so far!

This doesn't mean to sound patronising, but I'd love to hear your opinion on dumpers who want to reconcile but don't because:

- Fear of being rejected by the dumped.

- Feel they're not allowed to contact the dumped because they broke their heart.

- Isn't sure if the dumpee has worked on themselves so is playing it safe.

- Feels the dumper has moved on.

There are many dumpers that have had these thoughts cross their mind in their lives at some point, I'm definitely guilty of not reaching out to people I've dumped because of some of those reasons, even though I wanted to reconcile badly. If this is my dumper then that's another question but would just love to hear your general opinion.

I'm not trying to pick holes, but a lot of people always lean on the idea that the dumper not reaching out is because they're not interested, but it could be equally the other way around as I mentioned in those four points.

Dumpers aren't bad people. We've all dumped or thought about it.

Edited May 7, 2020 by Markliance

[rjc149]

Well, personally I think that if reconciliation is wanted badly enough, the dumper will reach out eventually. Even if it's something like a 'happy birthday' or 'hope you've been well' just to test the waters. 

You are right, a lot of times, the dumper is scared of anger and rejection by reaching out to the person they've hurt, and that prevents them from doing it, even when both parties want a reconciliation. Such is life. 

As a man, I do think that when you reach out to a dumper, there's an element of "thank you, may I please have another?" after you just got smacked. It is demeaning to yourself to once again place yourself at the whim of a woman who kicked you to the curb. Again, the most high-value, alpha thing to do is to move on completely and not care about her anymore. More often than not, that show of strength and value *will* make her want to reach out again, and in my personal experience, she eventually does. 

Part of life, especially life as a man, is to accept rejection, let go, and move forward without looking back. If she dumped you for being too distant and unavailable, or if you cheated, then you could reach out again after some time has passed to apologize and reconcile. But she dumped you for being "too close," so now you must create distance, and it's 100% up to her to close that distance if she wants it closed. 

[d0nnivain]

Do nothing.  Seriously.  Just chill.  Give it a few days, see if she reaches out to you.  If not maybe Monday, you can shoot her a short pithy text message.  Just play it cool.  Respond if she reaches out to you but don't reach out to her. 

If you are not in touch during this, it's over & she's not interested.  If you have kept it dialed back, once the world re-opens ask her on a date.  If you do not get a favorable response to that, give up. 

[preraph]

Look you already know you can't be with her like you would be if you married her or something. You're not compatible for that. my guess is if you were clingy and all that that she is probably relieved to be out. I'm sorry but not everybody is compatible that way. A whole lot of people need a whole lot of space.

[Markliance]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Do nothing.  Seriously.  Just chill.  Give it a few days, see if she reaches out to you.  If not maybe Monday, you can shoot her a short pithy text message.  Just play it cool.  Respond if she reaches out to you but don't reach out to her. 

If you are not in touch during this, it's over & she's not interested.  If you have kept it dialed back, once the world re-opens ask her on a date.  If you do not get a favorable response to that, give up. 

She last messaged early this morning. A part of me wanted to message but again I didn't want come across as keen. We're actually meant to go to Scotland for a holiday late August which neither of us have claimed refund for our purchases towards it yet. 

I'll give it till Monday and if I don't hear from her then I'll send a message. I'll gage her response to see how's best to handle the situation.

Sorry I'm thick, what's a pithy message? Haha

Edited May 7, 2020 by Markliance

[d0nnivain]

No.  Since she messaged you, reply.  What I meant was is if you don't hear from her, then you reach out in a few days.  If you delay replying that is game playing.  Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  Here not replying will cause resentment.  

If you want this to work you have to communicate but you have to do it slowly & sensibly. 

So reply to her messages but be brief & don't talk about "you", your relationship or getting back together.  Do not be needy.  Instead be friendly.   You need to preserve the connection but you can't build it back.  She has to want to come back.  She will only do that when she believes you have stopped being clingy or needy.  

Leave all discussions about the Scottish holiday until at least June or when you get notification from the airline or hotel about their cancellation policies.  

[rjc149]

36 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I'll give it till Monday and if I don't hear from her then I'll send a message. 

She dumped you for being needy and smothering. Continue reaching out to her and pursuing her at your own peril. That'll end my input on this, good luck brother. I hope it works out!! 

[Uptown182]

7 hours ago, Markliance said:

 

 

Knowing my ex and how we were, both when official and in dating, going no contact to make her miss me would never work. She doesn't like the chase, and has never got on with lads that play that game of acting mysterious, aloof or 'missing' (yeah she really is a rare type), probably makes sense with her lack of relationship experience. We are both 26 so this isn't some university game playing haha

- Markliance
 

There’s a reason no contact works, if someone really wants to be with you it will make them realize it, and if not it helps you move on.  Keeping in contact with an ex is toxic in my opinion unless the breakup is mutual and neither party is pining over the other.

I don’t really care what she told you or what she led you to believe, she broke up with you and that means she doesn’t want to be with you right now.  She knows if she wants to get back with you she can at any moment, she doesn’t need you to keep contacting her to remind her you’re still waiting.  You mentioned she said you were too available, well guess what? You’re being too available now.  This has nothing to do with chasing, and everything to do with letting her miss you.  She may be more responsive in her texts now but that’s because you went silent for a few weeks (which good for you but not nearly long enough) and now you’re back to giving her the ego stroke she wanted.  
 

I don’t mean to sound harsh, breaks ups are rough especially now with everything that’s going on.  I just think your emotions may still be running high and therefore you may not be thinking clearly.  

Edited May 7, 2020 by Uptown182

[Uptown182]

2 hours ago, Markliance said:

Haha I've actual been talking to another woman already, great chat so far!

This doesn't mean to sound patronising, but I'd love to hear your opinion on dumpers who want to reconcile but don't because:

- Fear of being rejected by the dumped.

- Feel they're not allowed to contact the dumped because they broke their heart.

- Isn't sure if the dumpee has worked on themselves so is playing it safe.

- Feels the dumper has moved on.

There are many dumpers that have had these thoughts cross their mind in their lives at some point, I'm definitely guilty of not reaching out to people I've dumped because of some of those reasons, even though I wanted to reconcile badly. If this is my dumper then that's another question but would just love to hear your general opinion.

I'm not trying to pick holes, but a lot of people always lean on the idea that the dumper not reaching out is because they're not interested, but it could be equally the other way around as I mentioned in those four points.

Dumpers aren't bad people. We've all dumped or thought about it.

As RJC said if the dumper wants get back together badly enough it is highly likely they will reach out since they know the relationship no longer exists because they broke it off.  I think in general the majority of dumpers do go through moments where they question whether it was the right thing to do and they think maybe they’d like to get back together, but if that feeling is not strong enough or they’re still unsure then yea chances are they won’t reach out.  This is a good thing because if the dumper is unsure it will just be a mind game for the dumpee that is assuming they even want the dumper back.  Also a big thing to take into consideration is how the break up happened.  If the break up was a mature adult conversation, then the dumper might feel more confident in reaching out.  If the break up was a disappearing act or a heated conversation then the dumper might be more hesitant.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Markliance said:

She ended it just over a month ago as I had the tendency to smother her and be needy at times.

Was that her assessment of the situation or yours?
Did she actually say you smothered her and showed neediness?
What else did she say?

[Markliance]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Was that her assessment of the situation or yours?
Did she actually say you smothered her and showed neediness?
What else did she say?

She told me that she can't see a future with me as I no longer gave her space when she needed it, that I smothered her at times and was dependent on her. She owned up that she should have communicated it better but needed to end it as last few weeks she was getting so worked up. The virus has put a lot of strain in her with her job so maybe it all became too much? We were forced to isolate together due to the virus and it out stress on us, our relationship wasn't ready for that, maybe if the virus wasn't here then we'd be out if the house doing our separate thing for the WHOLE DAY. She said she didn't want to wait months to see if we'd work after the virus had gone because ithe virus piled on different stresses which caused us to have short fuses with each other that probably would have been avoided by this dang virus.

I've understood my part and have started to work on it, it's early days but I'm seeing improvements

Edited May 7, 2020 by Markliance