How can I go about working on things with my ex slowly?

[Realitysux]

The only thing that confuses me is that you mentioned you are chatting with another women and the conversation is great. How can you work on this with your partner and see someone else? 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Realitysux
Typo 😔

[Markliance]

14 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

The only thing that confuses me is that you mentioned you are chatting with another women and the conversation is great. How can you work on this with your partner and see someone else? 

Well me and my ex are split up so I don't owe my ex anything so speaking to this other girl is fine. I mean me and my ex never said we are working on things. We've just started talking 3 weeks after the break up 

[Realitysux]

20 minutes ago, Markliance said:

Well me and my ex are split up so I don't owe my ex anything so speaking to this other girl is fine. I mean me and my ex never said we are working on things. We've just started talking 3 weeks after the break up 

It still doesn't show you want to work things out, it shows she is just an option. I see this all the time. I guess I am not equipped for dating at the moment. 

[Markliance]

9 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Man of all the reasons to get dumped...for being clingy. You'd have a better chance of getting back with her if you were abusive. Women HATE clingy men. 

You've been getting some good advice in here, so let me just add a little bit. The best way to get back with an ex is to be better. You want her to see you one day and think to herself that she is the one that screwed things up, not you. After a breakup, you want to ignore your ex altogether. Hit the gym, lift some weights, take some college classes, get out more, make new friends, the whole nine yards. Just better yourself in every conceivable way.

I'm sorry but if it was me, I'd rather get back with someone that was clingy than abusive. Clingy isn't wanting to hurt someone, abuse is. Would you really want to take someone back that wanted to hurt you? If you do then you're a fool.

With this lockdown and the coronavirus, those things you mention like the gym and everything went be happening anytime soon haha

[Markliance]

14 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I have seen plenty of ladies get back with abusive guys, I don't often see them hitting up the guy that was too clingy. 

Gyms and all that stuff will be opening up soon. you can also do a lot of workout routines at home. Online classes can work instead of going to college physically. It's all just bettering yourself. That is what women want, a better man. 

I've been doing workout routines at home for the last two months, as well as additional courses since the start of the new year, always helps to learn new things!

Not sure where you're based but here in the UK apparently gyms won't be open till at least September 🙃

[Realitysux]

5 hours ago, Markliance said:

 

Not sure where you're based but here in the UK apparently gyms won't be open till at least September 🙃

I know, no gyms anytime soon. I'm startng to jog and Mary Windsor Pilates. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by Realitysux

[Markliance]

I'd love some opinions. She just text me saying that she loves hearing from me but is finding it hard moving on while we still speak. I'm actually confused what she means by this, that if she's having doubts about the break up whenever we speak, or she just wants to move on quick.

Also the Scotland trio was brought up in combo, she said she doesn't want to cancel her bookings yet. Surely if she knew we wouldn't be going together then she would just cancel no?

[Realitysux]

I can relate. You need to learn how to have forward conversations. More forward conversation means direct answers and free space in your own head. The relationship is over and no contact gives both parties the time and space to heal and move on. This still affects her but that doesn't mean you are going to be in a relationship with her. It means that you need to stop contacting her and move on. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by Realitysux

[Marc878]

5 hours ago, Markliance said:

I'd love some opinions. She just text me saying that she loves hearing from me but is finding it hard moving on while we still speak. I'm actually confused what she means by this, that if she's having doubts about the break up whenever we speak, or she just wants to move on quick.

Also the Scotland trio was brought up in combo, she said she doesn't want to cancel her bookings yet. Surely if she knew we wouldn't be going together then she would just cancel no?

She supposedly dumped you because you were to needy/clingy. Sounds like she’s trying to be nice about your current actions but it hasn’t changed her mind set. Like most you can’t stop yourself from chasing. Don’t be surprised if you get blocked next.

[Markliance]

6 hours ago, Marc878 said:

She supposedly dumped you because you were to needy/clingy. Sounds like she’s trying to be nice about your current actions but it hasn’t changed her mind set. Like most you can’t stop yourself from chasing. Don’t be surprised if you get blocked next.

She's the one initiating conversation. Everyday last few days she's asking me what I'm up to, have I learnt any new skills, showing me painting of her work. I'm just replying out of politeness. If anything, she is chasing me. And before then there was radio silence from both sides.

Edited May 10, 2020 by Markliance

[assertives]

11 hours ago, Markliance said:

She just text me saying that she loves hearing from me but is finding it hard moving on while we still speak. I'm actually confused what she means by this, that if she's having doubts about the break up whenever we speak, or she just wants to move on quick.

She wants to move on. I think that part is clear from the get go.. she has said it's too late for her to backtrack and she's been stressing on the decision to break up for weeks before it happened. Her saying she loves hearing from you doesn't mean she wants to get back together. It's just her way of letting you down gently about your current texting behaviour. She's telling you it's not that she doesn't want to hear from you, but hearing from you makes it hard for her to focus on moving on. In other words, it's starting to become unhealthy for her. It's time to go NC and move on.

Edited May 10, 2020 by assertives

[Markliance]

11 minutes ago, assertives said:

She wants to move on. I think that part is clear from the get go.. she has said it's too late for her to backtrack and she's been stressing on the decision to break up for weeks before it happened. Her saying she loves hearing from you doesn't mean she wants to get back together. It's just her way of letting you down gently about your current texting behaviour. She's telling you it's not that she doesn't want to hear from you, but hearing from you makes it hard for her to focus on moving on. In other words, it's starting to become unhealthy for her. It's time to go NC and move on.

So why does she initiate conversation everyday then? Only to spin it around and send that message.

Edited May 10, 2020 by Markliance

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, Markliance said:

So why does she initiate conversation everyday then? Only to spin it around and send that message.

Because she's learning to live without you as her constant companion, too. Don't mistake her continued contact as having a romantic intention; very often, dumpers have to wean themselves off their exes as a source of attention. They're not yet used to not seeking it out from their ex. 

It sounds to me like she realizes this is sending you the wrong message, and she knows she shouldn't keep talking to you when she doesn't intend to reconcile. Either that or she's now diverting her attention to someone else and knows she can't string you along. 

Edited May 10, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Markliance]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because she's learning to live without you as her constant companion, too. Don't mistake her continued contact as having a romantic intention; very often, dumpers have to wean themselves off their exes as a source of attention. They're not yet used to not seeking it out from their ex. 

It sounds to me like she realizes this is sending you the wrong message, and she knows she shouldn't keep talking to you when she doesn't intend to reconcile. Either that or she's now diverting her attention to someone else and knows she can't string you along. 

I'm not seeing her messages as romantic interest as I know genuinely does care and like knowing what I'm up to.

I'm actually talking to another woman, didn't really intend to but it is what it is. I'm just.

But that message just thrown me off a tad, I've always had a feeling she's got doubts about ending things, I mean she said she even had doubts when breaking up so it seems a bit hot and cold from her side. Like she's having her cake and eating it too, but realsiing the cake makes her happy in places.

[ExpatInItaly]

That's why I wonder if she's been talking to someone else too, and wants to focus on him now. 

It's better if you two don't stay in touch for a while. For whatever reason, she's decided it's no longer what she wants. 

[Marc878]

There’s no reason to not block her. Why keep yourself in this?

[Markliance]

So she just called me, sounding like she's just been crying.

She told me she can't move on while speaking to me.

She contradicted herself so much in the call it's unbelievable. One moment she's telling me she's not struggling at all, then she's telling me that she is having really hard spells. She tells me she's moved on and is enjoying life, only for me to remind her in the text she sent last night about not being able to move on while speaking to me.

I told her that I actually felt good and that I've not been struggling lately, that I've accepted the break up and truly believe it was the right thing to do without any independent growth. She was speechless and then couldn't let go of this and also tried to convince me that I am struggling, saying that I'm lying about being okay. Then halfway through conversation she said lets talk in a month then hung up.

Who does this person think they are telling me how I should or should not be feeling! I'm handling things much better than she thought I was, so she goes overboard in telling me she's completely fine, yet had to call me to begin with to tell me she isn't fine. Tell me she doesn't want me to push her out if my life and to stay friends, only for her to then say she wants a month of silence.

I'm done with her. She meant a lot to me but I can only see her as someone playing a game or has no idea how to control her emotions and what she needs. It's fair to say I'm glad I saw this side of her now.

She doesn't like it that I'm getting on fine without her.

Edited May 10, 2020 by Markliance

[elaine567]

^This is why NC is really the best way to go, it stops all the drama.
She dumped you, she no doubt does not want to get back with you but she probably wanted to play the benevolent angel role to soothe your distress.
As you said you have no need of her, she flounced off.
Trouble is dumpers can be "friends" all day and all night as they are not emotionally invested.
They can get sad and nostalgic at times but do not mistake that for wanting to reconcile.
Most dumpers spent a long time making up their minds to split, they thus don't change their minds easily.
Go NC is my advice.

[Markliance]

35 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

^This is why NC is really the best way to go, it stops all the drama.
She dumped you, she no doubt does not want to get back with you but she probably wanted to play the benevolent angel role to soothe your distress.
As you said you have no need of her, she flounced off.
Trouble is dumpers can be "friends" all day and all night as they are not emotionally invested.
They can get sad and nostalgic at times but do not mistake that for wanting to reconcile.
Most dumpers spent a long time making up their minds to split, they thus don't change their minds easily.
Go NC is my advice.

I'm going NC. 

I gave her money to help pay for the holiday that we were going on but won't be going on now as we've split up. I've asked for the money before but she hasn't paid, I can ask again right?

I wouldn't put it past her to not pay me yet as a form to not let me go completely 😂

Edited May 10, 2020 by Markliance

[assertives]

Just tell her you have a family emergency and hence need that money now? Or you have some other urgent use for that money. Also, if it's a package deal you guys made for the holiday, either one of the you would be able to make the cancellation, no? You can ask for the refunds be made to you directly by the agency/airline/hotel. You better do it soon, August is not very far away. Not sure what's on the agreement, but you may end up not getting any money back if you are past a certain date.

Edited May 10, 2020 by assertives

[Yosemite]

On 5/7/2020 at 4:35 PM, Markliance said:

Well me and my ex are split up so I don't owe my ex anything so speaking to this other girl is fine. I mean me and my ex never said we are working on things. We've just started talking 3 weeks after the break up 

How about what you owe the new girl? Doesn't common decency indicate that you don't lead her on when your only intention is to get your ex back?

I don't see what's so shocking about the phone call, she's working through the break up and is emotional...what do you expect? I think that you're in denial and will get hit with a wave of emotions soon probably after you hurt this new girl by using her as a rebound. 

You should go no contact. 

[Markliance]

 

40 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

How about what you owe the new girl? Doesn't common decency indicate that you don't lead her on when your only intention is to get your ex back?

I don't see what's so shocking about the phone call, she's working through the break up and is emotional...what do you expect? I think that you're in denial and will get hit with a wave of emotions soon probably after you hurt this new girl by using her as a rebound. 

You should go no contact. 

She finally paid me back!

I just hate how she's telling me how I should be feeling when actually I'm not struggling anywhere near she thinks I should be.

I know it's not easiest to say but I know I won't get her back. I don't want her to see me as an option. I want to take that away from her, she ended it so she has to live with that.

I'm going to text her saying cheers for the money, but I want to end it with something that lets her know I won't be an option for her anymore. What should I say?

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I'm going to text her saying cheers for the money, but I want to end it with something that lets her know I won't be an option for her anymore. What should I say?

What's the point? She's already said she wants to cut contact now, so she's beat you to that punch. 

Just say thank you. Anything else is moot at this point. 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I want to end it with something that lets her know I won't be an option for her anymore

ExpatinItaly is correct, she beat you to the punch. 
Your ex doesn't want you as an option.
Truth is most split so they are free to date others
She is just trying to tie up the loose ends by paying you the money.

[Markliance]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

ExpatinItaly is correct, she beat you to the punch. 
Your ex doesn't want you as an option.
Truth is most split so they are free to date others
She is just trying to tie up the loose ends by paying you the money.

Haha well it took her over 3 weeks to pay me back, and she only did because I asked yesterday and then again today, that was the last thing connecting us so I wanted it paid back so I don't have anything else to do with her.