How can I go about working on things with my ex slowly?

[Realitysux]

What relationship are you fixing? Yours is done 

[elaine567]

49 minutes ago, Markliance said:

In the final two weeks of us, she increased how she interacted with me, inititating calls and flirting a lot more than she would, tell me how much she loves me and talking more about our future

That is quite common, it is the last ditch attempt to try to feel something.

The hope is if they act like it is love, then love will be rekindled.
It doesn't tend to work and the final split is often fairly soon thereafter.

[Markliance]

12 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

What relationship are you fixing? Yours is done 

I mean before the relationship ended. There was never a chance given to talk about things, let alone try and work on any problems.

[Markliance]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is quite common, it is the last ditch attempt to try to feel something.

The hope is if they act like it is love, then love will be rekindled.

Why do people let it get that far when they could have communicated much earlier on?

I just can't understand why someone would not want to open that communication unless of course they either didn't know how to well, or didn't want to hurt the others feelings. Both seem inexperienced moves, even with best intentions at heart. I think it was love till the last day, especially if her emotions were anything to go by. I've never had a partner who I've seen so upset, especially being the one ending it.

She comes from a family where people don't talk about issues, so maybe its just that.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Markliance said:

 I think it was love till the last day, especially if her emotions were anything to go by. I've never had a partner who I've seen so upset, especially being the one ending it.

I cried my eyes out breaking up with the ex I've mentioned. I felt terrible for hurting him, guilty that I just didn't have those feelings for him anymore. I had tried. In the weeks leading up to it, I tried to feel something again. I just didn't. I saw him as a friend. Not a boyfriend. The tears  aren't always motivated by regret at ending it. 

I don't doubt she loved you to a certain extent, but it evidently wasn't in the way she needed to continue the relationship in good faith. All we know for sure is that she wanted to end it more than she wanted to try to be with you. Sorry, man. I know it hurts like hell. But the fact that she broke up with you says where her heart was truly at, and it was looking to a future without you. 

We don't always get the clear reasons or answers as to why someone behaved this way or that way. Much as we might try to make sense of it, it doesn't always become any clearer. You have to trust that she knows her own heart and minds, and knows the right decision for her was to end it. Just as you can't help but want her back, she can't help but not want the same thing. Will you meet on higher ground someday? Perhaps. But for now, all you can do is work on your healing and letting go. 

Edited May 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Markliance]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I cried my eyes out breaking up with the ex I've mentioned. I felt terrible for hurting him, guilty that I just didn't have those feelings for him anymore. I had tried. In the weeks leading up to it, I tried to feel something again. I just didn't. I saw him as a friend. Not a boyfriend. The tears  aren't always motivated by regret at ending it. 

I don't doubt she loved you to a certain extent, but it evidently wasn't in the way she needed to continue the relationship in good faith. All we know for sure is that she wanted to end it more than she wanted to try to be with you. Sorry, man. I know it hurts like hell. But the fact that she broke up with you says where her heart was truly at, and it was looking to a future without you. 

We don't always get the clear reasons or answers as to why someone behaved this way or that way. Much as we might try to make sense of it, it doesn't always become any clearer. You have to trust that she knows her own heart and minds, and knows the right decision for her was to end it. Just as you can't help but want her back, she can't help but not want the same thing. Will you meet on higher ground someday? Perhaps. But for now, all you can do is work on your healing and letting go. 

Whg did you both end if you don't mind me asking? 

If it was something that could have been worked on, did you both discuss it and try and work on it, or was it something that couldn't be fixed?

Edited May 13, 2020 by Markliance

[Realitysux]

33 minutes ago, Markliance said:

Why do people let it get that far when they could have communicated much earlier on?

I just can't understand why someone would not want to open that communication unless of course they either didn't know how to well, or didn't want to hurt the others feelings. Both seem inexperienced moves, even with best intentions at heart. I think it was love till the last day, especially if her emotions were anything to go by. I've never had a partner who I've seen so upset, especially being the one ending it.

She comes from a family where people don't talk about issues, so maybe its just that.

I think you can't make assumptions without that communication. I really don't know your situation at all. I think when someone choses to leave, weather they are not interested or they met someone else then there is no point in communication with that person. You let it go and move on. You have to realize that not everyone is going to love you and you can't expect them too. You expect that because your ex loved you then she always will. I've been in love about 3 times in my life time. All done and all gone. I don't expect them to love me today and I anticipate I'll find another down the road. When I'm ready !

[Realitysux]

Honest to god .. there is no point in communication when you are ending it with a person .. I get you can think she or he is feeling a certain way but unless you hear it directly from that person, you don't know. The time you are spending even thinking about this should be directed at other things. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Markliance said:

Whg did you both end if you don't mind me asking? 

If it was something that could have been worked on, did you both discuss it and try and work on it, or was it something that couldn't be fixed?

I was young. It was my first long-term relationship (5 years) and I didn't know myself well enough yet to decide that he was it for me forever.  He would have been happy to settle down; I wasn't so convinced we were compatible long-term. As I said earlier, I also felt he was too smothering. He wanted to spend all our free time together, which might work well for some people but it doesn't work well for me. I know this about myself now,. He leaned on me too much to be the centre of his world. And yes, we had talked about it. It kind of changed. But honestly? My heart wasn't in it anymore. I just didn't want to be with him as a girlfriend any longer. I tried to force myself to feel attracted to him again but I couldn't. 

He was my first real long-term boyfriend, but I outgrew the relationship. So it was  combination of many factors: our ages, lack of real life and relationship experience, me feeling he was too clingy, and so on. Talking about these things doesn't fix everything when one person just doesn't feel it. If one person doesn't want to work on the issues to the extent that they never really even voice them? It's over. 

That was many years ago now, and I never regretted my choice. He was a good man, but not the man for me. And I don't believe I was ultimately the right woman for him, either. 

 

 

[Markliance]

16 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I think you can't make assumptions without that communication. I really don't know your situation at all. I think when someone choses to leave, weather they are not interested or they met someone else then there is no point in communication with that person. You let it go and move on. You have to realize that not everyone is going to love you and you can't expect them too. You expect that because your ex loved you then she always will. I've been in love about 3 times in my life time. All done and all gone. I don't expect them to love me today and I anticipate I'll find another down the road. When I'm ready !

I mean communicate earlier in the relationship before it was too late. At one point, someone starts to have doubts. If the doubts are something that isn't toxic, abuse or cheating, then you would communicate as early as you can. Sometimes people don't know how best to communicate so they just hope the doubts go away, but they don't and then eventually it is too late to turn around.

[Realitysux]

16 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I mean communicate earlier in the relationship before it was too late. At one point, someone starts to have doubts. If the doubts are something that isn't toxic, abuse or cheating, then you would communicate as early as you can. Sometimes people don't know how best to communicate so they just hope the doubts go away, but they don't and then eventually it is too late to turn around

Alright, I'll put down my silly hat for a minute to have a serious discussion. It takes more then just the feeling of love or desire or affection for someone to make a relationship work. You have to be in a position where you are completely and utterly satisfied with your life on your own. It's sad sometimes that life happens and you can't give a person things such as communication or put in an effort to make a relationship work. If you are ready and willing to be in a relationship then you should absolutely communicate with that person and try to make it work. 

Now I'm not proud of my past behavior. I'm not even proud of my past but it was what I was able to do in that moment. I'm sure if I could do more or differently then I would have. I think the hardest part for someone is if they can't be something the other person needs and they have chosen to let it go and let the another person take it, then no contact is best. I'm sure the intensions were good at the end of the day but at some point you have got to get off the road. 

Edited May 13, 2020 by Realitysux

[Markliance]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was young. It was my first long-term relationship (5 years) and I didn't know myself well enough yet to decide that he was it for me forever.  He would have been happy to settle down; I wasn't so convinced we were compatible long-term. As I said earlier, I also felt he was too smothering. He wanted to spend all our free time together, which might work well for some people but it doesn't work well for me. I know this about myself now,. He leaned on me too much to be the centre of his world. And yes, we had talked about it. It kind of changed. But honestly? My heart wasn't in it anymore. I just didn't want to be with him as a girlfriend any longer. I tried to force myself to feel attracted to him again but I couldn't. 

He was my first real long-term boyfriend, but I outgrew the relationship. So it was  combination of many factors: our ages, lack of real life and relationship experience, me feeling he was too clingy, and so on. Talking about these things doesn't fix everything when one person just doesn't feel it. If one person doesn't want to work on the issues to the extent that they never really even voice them? It's over. 

That was many years ago now, and I never regretted my choice. He was a good man, but not the man for me. And I don't believe I was ultimately the right woman for him, either. 

 

 

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out, but really happy to know that you're still confident and happy it was the right decision, go you! 🙂

There are aspects of you that I can see in my ex and what may have led to her decision. Weren't together anywhere near as along as you and your ex, but we did speak about the future, and our goals and values in life aligned perfectly. We were both at stages where we wanted to settle for long term. She did have a lack of relationship experience.

I remember my ex saying in the break up how the person I became wasn't enough anymore, that she wanted the man I was.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I mean communicate earlier in the relationship before it was too late. At one point, someone starts to have doubts. If the doubts are something that isn't toxic, abuse or cheating, then you would communicate as early as you can. Sometimes people don't know how best to communicate so they just hope the doubts go away, but they don't and then eventually it is too late to turn around.

That's the crux of it - if they're not communicating, they're not as invested as you think. 

[Realitysux]

When I am talking real talk , it's good right. Come on ya'll, my advice is the s***! You all need to listen to me now. 

[Markliance]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's the crux of it - if they're not communicating, they're not as invested as you think. 

Why would they come up with booking holidays, plan dates, tell you they love you tons and initiate lots of plans and activities, talk future plans and everything if they wasn't invested?

Haha all that sounds like someone that's invested in you

[Markliance]

13 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Alright, I'll put down my silly hat for a minute to have a serious discussion. It takes more then just the feeling of love or desire or affection for someone to make a relationship work. You have to be in a position where you are completely and utterly satisfied with your life on your own. It's sad sometimes that life happens and you can't give a person things such as communication or put in an effort to make a relationship work. If you are ready and willing to be in a relationship then you should absolutely communicate with that person and try to make it work. 

Now I'm not proud of my past behavior. I'm not even proud of my past but it was what I was able to do in that moment. I'm sure if I could do more or differently then I would have. I think the hardest part for someone is if they can't be something the other person needs and they have chosen to let it go and let the another person take it, then no contact is best. I'm sure the intensions were good at the end of the day but at some point you have got to get off the road. 

I totally agree about being satisfied with your life. She told me she needed to love being alone again, as she stopped doing everything she liked. Since we broke up, she's been doing all the things she loves again, painting, drawing and plant collecting. She did tell me that if the coronavirus wasn't here, we'd still be together. She admitted the virus situation made her very stressed about everything and she needed to remove as much stress as possible.

[Realitysux]

12 minutes ago, Markliance said:

I totally agree about being satisfied with your life. She told me she needed to love being alone again, as she stopped doing everything she liked. Since we broke up, she's been doing all the things she loves again, painting, drawing and plant collecting. She did tell me that if the coronavirus wasn't here, we'd still be together. She admitted the virus situation made her very stressed about everything and she needed to remove as much stress as possible.

I'm not sure I am able to help any more. I'm just trying to move on myself from an ordeal. Let it go, and never see it again cause it's a waste of time. 

[Malin889]

On 5/7/2020 at 11:19 AM, Markliance said:

I've been a dumper several times. Sometimes after a week, sometimes months after a breakup, I've wondered about the dumpee. Sometimes I've wanted to reconcile. Then I think about how they never reached out, even once. That comes across to me as they're either hurting or not interested. And as I once loved them and cared for them, shared life with them, I respect that they don't want to talk. So if the the dumpee doesn't reach out, and the dumper equally doesn't reach out, then you're at a stalemate. Someone's got to make a move.

If me saying what someone is like is a sign of putting them on a pedestal then nobody would have an opinion on anyone surely haha! Sometimes you know someone. 

I really do understand when people say the same thing: don't reach out, they're not interested and all that. But please don't make it sound like it's gospel. Nothing in life is black or white.

You're right, nothing is black and white and both people could be interested in reconciliation and not do anything about it. We don't know what people are thinking, and we are all strangers on this forum and we don't know you or your ex-girlfriend. I had a situation a while back where I didn't reach out to the person (because what you said above, I was hurt) and he didn't reach out to me, so I guess we both just let it go. But from time to time, I thought, should I have reached out again? But always decided not to. Life isn't black and white, and I'll never know what he was thinking.  But it's been too long now to reach out. Anyway, it does seem as if your girlfriend wants to say something, so perhaps gently reach out to her and say, I'm here if you want to talk, but don't force communication with her. And if she wants to talk, she will come around. 

[Malin889]

1 hour ago, Markliance said:

I totally agree about being satisfied with your life. She told me she needed to love being alone again, as she stopped doing everything she liked. Since we broke up, she's been doing all the things she loves again, painting, drawing and plant collecting. She did tell me that if the coronavirus wasn't here, we'd still be together. She admitted the virus situation made her very stressed about everything and she needed to remove as much stress as possible.

That's nice that she's painting and gardening again. What made her stop doing those things? 

[Markliance]

30 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

That's nice that she's painting and gardening again. What made her stop doing those things? 

Her job is a vocation job so she brings her work home with her. Out the door at 7:30 and back by 6 so she'd be knackered to be very creative, and we would always stay over each others most weekends. Even when I was over hers on weekends, she wouldn't paint or draw, maybe she felt like she couldn't if I was there, as if she had to be available for me, so I think she lost that creative side that she loves.

The coronavirus gave her more free time, and I think she needed to be alone to go back doing those things she loves while not stressing about us as the virus has given her a lot of mental struggle with her job. She needed an escape from everything, even though she could have made things easier if she communicated her first doubts with us rather than let them build up and up and up.

Edited May 13, 2020 by Markliance

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Markliance said:

Why would they come up with booking holidays, plan dates, tell you they love you tons and initiate lots of plans and activities, talk future plans and everything if they wasn't invested?

Haha all that sounds like someone that's invested in you

Because some people are in love with the idea of love, and not necessarily with the person in front of them. Or, they are invested until they start seeing incompatibilities that turn them off. 

Or worst-case scenario, someone else turned her head and she wants to possibly explore another option. 

[Markliance]

So something weird happened.

I got a missed call on WhatsApp from my ex today - I was working when she called. I went to text her back to ask what she wanted and saw that she blocked me. I went to check about 10 minutes later and saw she had unblocked me, my little brother then decided to spill water on himself so I had to clean him up. After my dinner I went to text her to ask what she wanted from her call, only to see that she blocked me again and has left me blocked for the last 3 hours.

What's going on?

[preraph]

Maybe it was her new bf who did it or something.  I had a friend's husband pose as her one time on messenger because she left it open.  It can happen.  Or could be a sibling or something.

 

The bigger question is why would you continue to talk to someone who was blocking you? 

Edited May 14, 2020 by preraph

[Markliance]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

Maybe it was her new bf who did it or something.  I had a friend's husband pose as her one time on messenger because she left it open.  It can happen.  Or could be a sibling or something.

 

The bigger question is why would you continue to talk to someone who was blocking you? 

She's living with her mum and dad in the same small village who absolutely adored me so they wouldn't let another feller in, and she has no siblings. She posted on Instagram roughly around it happened her baking with her mum anyway. So it was definitely her.

I'm more interested in whatever game she's playing. Interesting enough is she hasn't blocked me in Facebook of Instagram, just Whatsapp. What's with that anyway?

Edited May 14, 2020 by Markliance

[assertives]

It isn't much of a "game" if she's leaving you blocked, no? You can't see her profile, can't text her and neither could she. Maybe the call was a butt dial or a touchscreen accident when she meant to block you but accidentally called you instead.