Found out boyfriend kissed another woman

[jas914]

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for now 4 years. He was my first everything, my first boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual partner and the first person that made me feel comfortable with him. A year into our relationship I found multiple text messages of him with girls. He would talk to them more flirtatious than he would to me. I remember feeling down and having little arguments with him about being dry with me yet he was always on his phone.

That’s when I decided to start looking into his cellphone. He is Mexican so on vacaciones he goes to Mexico and that is where all of the girls he talked to are from. He would ask them for nude pictures and send some himself. They would send each other kiss faces and comments like “babe” and “i miss you.”  Of course I got super mad because he had betrayed me. I have done nothing wrong but to give him everything he wants of me and this is what I get. We decided to take days apart so that I could think. I am not sure if it was because he was my first boyfriend but I truly felt sad and lonely without him so I took him back days later.

Now, 3 years later and 4 years since we started dating, again I found stuff in his cellphone from another girl. With this girl there were pictures being exchanged (nudes and not) song being dedicated, and comments about missing each other and she would say that the kiss that they had made her feel something special and that she needed to see him again. So as I mentioned I had forgiven him when I found all those messages with other women but never was it confirmed nor did he tell me that he touched or kissed them much less have sex, that’s why I forgave him.

However, this girl actually said they kissed in their comments so I asked him and after a while he finally confessed. He said she has been the only other girl he has kissed since we dated. I am hurt but I don’t know what to do because it technically happened when I forgave it all back 3 years ago but at that moment I had no idea he had actually kissed someone. 

Edited May 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, your mistake was going back to a guy who didn't have basic respect for you, or much interest in your relationship. 

I would muster up your strength and end it. He's never been as into you as you are into him, which is no way to have a sustainable, successful relationship. It's time to free yourself from this so you can one day find a guy who wouldn't dream of misbehaving like this to begin with. 

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, jas914 said:

A year into our relationship I found multiple text messages of him with girls. He would talk to them more flirtatious than he would to me. I remember feeling down and having little arguments with him about being dry with me yet he was always on his phone.

This was the minute you should have ended it.
I guess you want to be with a guy who is faithful and who wants you and only you, no?
Well, guys who are always champing at the bit to go find other women are not long term prospects, they are not bf material.
They do not change, he will still be looking for other women from his nursing home bed..
Unless you want an unhappy life, lurching from one cheating event to another then you do not forgive, you kick them to the curb.
Let him go asap. 

[schlumpy]

From your viewpoint you just wasted the last three years of your life.

 

[d0nnivain]

I'm a little confused on the timing.  I think when you 1st dated him he was a flirty boy.  You knew about the flirting, forgave him & anyway & you have been together for 4 years.  I think you are now saying that you just learned that 3 years ago he kissed somebody else.  I'm sure that is painful.  However, if he has been a loyal BF since then & there is no recent kissing try to let it go.  

However, if he has recently kissed somebody, just end it.  

Edited May 8, 2020 by d0nnivain

[jas914]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm a little confused on the timing.  I think when you 1st dated him he was a flirty boy.  You knew about the flirting, forgave him & anyway & you have been together for 4 years.  I think you are now saying that you just learned that 3 years ago he kissed somebody else.  I'm sure that is painful.  However, if he has been a loyal BF since then & there is no recent kissing try to let it go.  

However, if he has recently kissed somebody, just end it.  
 

 

since that time back 3 years ago he has been respectful and has not even had messages going with other girls much less other activities. 
 

[jas914]

6 hours ago, schlumpy said:

From your viewpoint you just wasted the last three years of your life.

 

That’s what I am afraid of. Busy honestly we have had such a solid relationship since I found out about those incident. When we split for a few days back 3 years ago he said he realized that he did not want to loose me and he was sorry. We got together and I have not found any infidelity since. The messages I just found were from 3 years ago. when I found the other messages 3 years ago I got bad imagine now that I found out he has been keeping this secret about kissing another girl. I feel he should have told me everything back 3 years ago when I discovered the messages and just be done with the past. 

[jas914]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This was the minute you should have ended it.
I guess you want to be with a guy who is faithful and who wants you and only you, no?
Well, guys who are always champing at the bit to go find other women are not long term prospects, they are not bf material.
They do not change, he will still be looking for other women from his nursing home bed..
Unless you want an unhappy life, lurching from one cheating event to another then you do not forgive, you kick them to the curb.
Let him go asap. 

He was 19 and said he just did it to get pictures and he would tell them what girls want to hear to convince them to send pictures. He swears there were no feeling at all towards them but I feel like you have to feel something for someone that is sending you intimate pictures and comments of missing each other

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, jas914 said:

he would tell them what girls want to hear to convince them to send pictures

And now he is telling you what you want to hear...

2 minutes ago, jas914 said:

He swears there were no feeling at all towards them

He has admitted to manipulation why do you think he is not manipulating you?

[d0nnivain]

Since he has not been badly behaved in 3 years you have to conclude that he grew up.  The danger has passed. 

Your hurt is fresh because you just found out.  

[miranda561]

On 5/8/2020 at 2:09 AM, jas914 said:

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for now 4 years. He was my first everything, my first boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual partner and the first person that made me feel comfortable with him. A year into our relationship I found multiple text messages of him with girls. He would talk to them more flirtatious than he would to me. I remember feeling down and having little arguments with him about being dry with me yet he was always on his phone.

That’s when I decided to start looking into his cellphone. He is Mexican so on vacaciones he goes to Mexico and that is where all of the girls he talked to are from. He would ask them for nude pictures and send some himself. They would send each other kiss faces and comments like “babe” and “i miss you.”  Of course I got super mad because he had betrayed me. I have done nothing wrong but to give him everything he wants of me and this is what I get. We decided to take days apart so that I could think. I am not sure if it was because he was my first boyfriend but I truly felt sad and lonely without him so I took him back days later.

Now, 3 years later and 4 years since we started dating, again I found stuff in his cellphone from another girl. With this girl there were pictures being exchanged (nudes and not) song being dedicated, and comments about missing each other and she would say that the kiss that they had made her feel something special and that she needed to see him again. So as I mentioned I had forgiven him when I found all those messages with other women but never was it confirmed nor did he tell me that he touched or kissed them much less have sex, that’s why I forgave him.

However, this girl actually said they kissed in their comments so I asked him and after a while he finally confessed. He said she has been the only other girl he has kissed since we dated. I am hurt but I don’t know what to do because it technically happened when I forgave it all back 3 years ago but at that moment I had no idea he had actually kissed someone. 

Dump him giiiirllll. 😳

You can't  trust some one like that. I don't  want to speculate but just because you didnt find evidence for the last few years, doesn't mean he hasn't done anything or even attempted to. 

Remember...when someone shows you their true colours...believe them. 

Find someone  else...there are plenty of guys out there, who would be faithful in a relationship.

[Dexterr]

I cheated with a Mexican tramp. Many people there are very cheap and easy, with no standards. It was all online though, and to no extent that your boyfriend did it, but I also said things specifically to make them show "effort" for me, I had really bad complexes about myself and was insecure. Wanted to see that I'm desired. By whom, a cheap one any loser could have... It was like a game. 

For you, if it only happened three years ago and your partner was that young, it's possible that he simply got his lesson and grew up, like it was previously stated. You have to figure out if it is worth it for you and if your heart can tolerate giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

I know I am quite the hypocrite here, but the fact that he had the guts to physically kiss another while being with you, that even drives me sick. 

Think it through, and take all the time you need. My main concern is that he had the heart to deceive you like this. Take care.

[Dexterr]

On 5/8/2020 at 7:01 PM, d0nnivain said:

I'm a little confused on the timing.  I think when you 1st dated him he was a flirty boy.  You knew about the flirting, forgave him & anyway & you have been together for 4 years.  I think you are now saying that you just learned that 3 years ago he kissed somebody else.  I'm sure that is painful.  However, if he has been a loyal BF since then & there is no recent kissing try to let it go.  

However, if he has recently kissed somebody, just end it.  

May I ask, what do you think of the comment by OP: "he would tell them what girls want to hear to convince them to send pictures".

Do you see this as fact or just something they say to make the person who got cheated on "feel better", an act of sugar coating?

[d0nnivain]

It doesn't really matter.  It happened 3 years ago.  The OP's BF has matured over time.  At the time he was young & flexing his sexual muscles if you will; it was like a way to see what he is made of.  He went about it the wrong way because he was in a committed relationship but the behavior is pretty common among young people.   If the behavior was on-going, I'd tell her to run but his present behavior is reformed.  

[kendahke]

On 5/7/2020 at 9:09 PM, jas914 said:

I am hurt but I don’t know what to do

since that time back 3 years ago he has been respectful and has not even had messages going with other girls much less other activities. 

Accept that you can't spin the earth backwards for a do-over...

What made you pick up his phone recently and look for these messages?  That kind of behavior doesn't just happen out of the blue.

Quote

He swears there were no feeling at all towards them but I feel like you have to feel something for someone that is sending you intimate pictures and comments of missing each other

Some people are manipulative enough to be able to say whatever they need to say, even when they don't mean a word of it,  to get what they want--and some aren't.  He's wired that way.  You aren't and that's why you can't understand. He just may be telling you the truth that they didn't mean anything to him--but for me, his lack of concern for how he's acting would be alarming for me because the day is going to come, if it hasn't already outside of these incidents 3 years ago, where he's going to say to you what he needs to say to get over on you and you're going to drink it down in bucket-loads.

 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by kendahke

[jas914]

On 5/12/2020 at 2:08 AM, Dexterr said:

I cheated with a Mexican tramp. Many people there are very cheap and easy, with no standards. It was all online though, and to no extent that your boyfriend did it, but I also said things specifically to make them show "effort" for me, I had really bad complexes about myself and was insecure. Wanted to see that I'm desired. By whom, a cheap one any loser could have... It was like a game. 

For you, if it only happened three years ago and your partner was that young, it's possible that he simply got his lesson and grew up, like it was previously stated. You have to figure out if it is worth it for you and if your heart can tolerate giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

I know I am quite the hypocrite here, but the fact that he had the guts to physically kiss another while being with you, that even drives me sick. 

Think it through, and take all the time you need. My main concern is that he had the heart to deceive you like this. Take care.

Thank you for your honesty! I have given him another opportunity but that incident stays in the back of my head. I’ve asked him about it but not much is said. I just need to know if he felt anything special for her. If I even ran across his mind when he decided to kiss her. He says she meant nothing and he had had a few drinks but of course I wasen’t expecting another answer, but at the same time I’m waiting for another answer. I might be over complicating this on myself, has anyone from experience ever kissed someone and it not mean anything. And them not feel bad that they cheated. As I previously mentioned, he has been my first boyfriend and I guess that’s what makes this situation harder on me than it might truly be. 

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, jas914 said:

 has anyone from experience ever kissed someone and it not mean anything. And them not feel bad that they cheated. 

I never cheated but I also didn't have serious long term monogamous relationships until I was about 24.  Before that I had a series of short term flings.  From 17 when I started college to 24 when I got out of grad school I kissed a lot of boys & it meant nothing.  It was fun in the moment. 

Your guy was 19.  He was young & immature.  He did a dumb thing when your fledgling relationship was on shaky ground.  During that time he figured out he wanted to be with YOU.  He's been a faithful guy since then.  

Let it go or it will poison you.  

[jas914]

On 5/21/2020 at 12:50 PM, kendahke said:

Accept that you can't spin the earth backwards for a do-over...

What made you pick up his phone recently and look for these messages?  That kind of behavior doesn't just happen out of the blue.

Some people are manipulative enough to be able to say whatever they need to say, even when they don't mean a word of it,  to get what they want--and some aren't.  He's wired that way.  You aren't and that's why you can't understand. He just may be telling you the truth that they didn't mean anything to him--but for me, his lack of concern for how he's acting would be alarming for me because the day is going to come, if it hasn't already outside of these incidents 3 years ago, where he's going to say to you what he needs to say to get over on you and you're going to drink it down in bucket-loads.

 

So you are saying he could be telling the truth and he simply did it as a game and no feelings were shared? 
It’s been now a month that I have been back with him but sometimes I look at him and just wonder how he talked to those other girls. If he uses the same words, the same gestures, if I am getting treated as he would them to convince them to like him. I truly do love him and what is weird is that when I am with him everything is good. I feel closer to him and don’t want to be apart but when I am by myself those thoughts run through my mind. I don’t want to think I am too controlling but my self esteem is a little down and I just wish I could be sure that kiss meant nothing but of course even if it did, I am sure he would never come forward and tell me