Does dumper ever understand the value of love?

[roadside_romeo]

I had a very bad breakup during last year. She just broke up with me over the phone by texting and then blocked me every where. After breakup I begged, cried so much for few days. But she did not listened. I was just a broken as some one could be. Then I started no contact. After 30 days I reached out and I got no response from her. Some times I did some accidental bumping and I saw just her angry face. It was so painful to move on. Later, I left the city.  And started again no contact. During this time, after two months, she unblock me on facebook and said sorry to me. Then again she blocked me. I reached her over the email if she said something any positive. I find out she is doing good and she is not interested to reply me anymore. I felt like again broken. So, it was pretty rough time like that. Then I go for indefinite no contact. Even though I am not in touch with her, I miss her. I asked my self how she can forget all the good memories. How she can forget all our beautiful time. I have seen in many thread they have telling dumper regret. But what kind of regret they have? Does it even matter? If you want to break up with someone then why you are not putting things infront together? Why it is not mutual? Why so many disrespect? It's so hard, when you still feel your ex breath in your body, and you realize she just dont care at all.

I have learn one thing for sure. Once they break up, they will never treat you as a human. They will treat you as a trash. Later I found out, why she said sorry to me. Cause she had some problem with her personal life, although I am not sure whether it  was with her new relationship or not. I know it is pretty common. But  to me it was a hell and may be I will die like that. I have millions questions to ask her. I just don't want to ask her. I don't know if any one going though this kind of break up? Just one message and then block from every where.  I hope whether you are dumper or dumpee, you can share your experience.

[central]

I'm sorry you've been hurting so much over this. However, you are obsessing over her, and clinging to what might have been instead of getting over her and moving on. This clinging and neediness may even be part of the reason she broke up over the phone and went no contact. She needs to distance herself and avoid you because of your behavior. The good parts were no doubt great when they happened, but that's the past and no longer holds any influence for her. Breakups are seldom mutual - when they are, you can sometimes remain friends and stay in contact. This is not one of those, it seems. Your feelings for her no longer matter, as she no longer has them for you.

[healing light]

Don't fall into the trap that every dumper characterizes and treats the dumpee the same. Sometimes love is not enough to overcome basic incompatibilities. Often people block each other at the end of a relationship not because they don't care, but in an effort to truly move on. It's hard to stop ruminating when you see reminders of a person everywhere and contact often creates a relationship after the relationship that can quickly get toxic for one or both parties because usually at least one still has feelings the other (often accompanied by false hope of reconciliation), so they are nowhere near ready to be friends.

[roadside_romeo]

I still remember. in saturday she sent me a picture wearing a wedding dress and the next sunday she broke up with me just giving a text message. We were supposed to have a home. She once told me she want to decorate that house with her own hand. I have no problem if she left me. I just wonder if they know they are gonna leave then why they said all those things even before the day they wanted to broke up? At the end of the day, if I feel bad than it's my fault? Anyway, then how people love someone? What I have experienced I feel like I will never trust any one. Even if someone shower me with tons of love.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Someone can understand the value of love and still not feel it with the person they've broken up with, OP. Ending a relationship doesn't necessarily mean someone doesn't value love. Far from it. It's not kind to string someone along when they know they just don't have those feelings anymore. 

To be more specific - why did she say she was ending it? How long did you two date?

[roadside_romeo]

A year. One of the main reason was I am not from the same cast. Cause she believed her family will never agree about that. We were from two different country. At the beginning I told her things will not workout. But she convince me that, somehow we can convince them or run away from the home. The moment she broke up, I asked her what's the reason. She just said, nothing, she just  don't want to stay with me anymore. 

[roadside_romeo]

To be more specific. After we started dating, she ended after a months telling me that, we have no future together. That time I did not try to contact her at all. Three weeks later she started texting me and saying she wanted to see me. I ignored all of her message. Then she started saying, she was feeling disgusted and feeling low. She just wanted to see me just one time. Then we met again and then I accepted her. I guess that, was my biggest mistake. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't sound as though this relationship was ever really on solid ground, to be honest. 

With the differences in caste, the idea of running away together just wasn't realistic if you both wanted to maintain ties to your family. Also, being in different countries made this relationship even harder. How often did you meet in person?

[roadside_romeo]

our country is different but we both were the student in same school in USA. we met there. Running away was not my plan either. During the whole time I used to think  how I am gonna make this relationship in real. Then I thought, even though we are different cast, we both in USA. At least here things could be different. I do not know what is mean by solid ground. We used to spent all day together. From morning to afternoon in the school. Then at night over the phone or in video chat. We studied together, we have solved our financial problem together. All my thesis and draft, she used to edit during her free time. We used to go to walmart together and buy food together as well. During the relationship there was not a single day we did not see each other. 

[ExpatInItaly]

By not being on solid ground, I mean that you both seemed to know that a future together wasn't very realistic. 

[schlumpy]

9 hours ago, roadside_romeo said:

I asked my self how she can forget all the good memories. How she can forget all our beautiful time. I have seen in many thread they have telling dumper regret. But what kind of regret they have? Does it even matter? If you want to break up with someone then why you are not putting things infront together? Why it is not mutual? Why so many disrespect? It's so hard, when you still feel your ex breath in your body, and you realize she just dont care at all.

There is a simple answer to your question but I fear you will not accept it.

It was not as good for her as it was for you. It's really that simple.

You didn't notice because your worship of her was twisting your perceptions.

Please do what you can to pull yourself out of this pit or you will not like yourself a few years from now when you look back.

[elaine567]

Family tends to be very important to women.
Women looking forward to starting a family in the future do not tend to want to do that with zero family support.
I guess she just did not want to be ostracised from her family.
If anyone says "I see no future together" then that is something to take a lot of notice of, because whatever that problem is, it is not likely to go away easily.
It is a warning. 
Here there was a huge impediment to your relationship continuing, yet it seems you chose to be oblivious to it and were thus "blindsided" by the break up.
Love does not conquer all, practicality needs to be taken into consideration.
Many "mixed" relationships do not founder on lack of love  but founder on the realities of the situation long term.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

11 hours ago, roadside_romeo said:

But  to me it was a hell and may be I will die like that. 

Bu you won't, roadside_romeo. You'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go about your life as you are meant to do, then look back on this  as a meaningful RL that didn't work out. It hurts now, then it'll hurt less, and you'll eventually remember her as someone from your past you once cared for.

Dumpees / dumpers labels are meaningless. Work on building up your confidence, and things will be fine again.

Edited May 8, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[roadside_romeo]

This is what I need now. I was good actually after leaving the city. I started working out at gym and was busy with my life. But this covid-19 changed everything!!!  Once I stuck in home after few days things changed and now I am here.

[schlumpy]

5 minutes ago, roadside_romeo said:

This is what I need now. I was good actually after leaving the city. I started working out at gym and was busy with my life. But this covid-19 changed everything!!!  Once I stuck in home after few days things changed and now I am here.

If it will help you get to the other side of the bridge, go ahead and pour your heart out. You are anonymous. No problems looking back on this.

[rjc149]

This is not a matter of incompatibility, or not being able to figure out a future together, or family, or caste, or any of that. 

This almost 100% purely a matter of your needy, clingy, smothering and emotionally weak behavior making you highly unattractive to her. Women dump men because they are no longer attracted to them. This is why she dumped you. All the good memories and beautiful times of your relationship do not mean jack sh-t to her. What matters to her, and the only thing that matters to her, is whether she finds you sexually attractive.

What keeps women in relationships is the question "do I still find him attractive?" Not all of the beautiful moments you spent holding each other watching the sunset on a mountain with the bunnies and chipmunks. It's not about how romantic you are. It's about how attractively you are behaving around her. 

And spending every moment of every day with her, clinging to her, breathing down her neck at all times -- damn dude. That is just repulsive to women. It does NOT make her more attracted to you. She had no space, none at all. Attraction grows in space. You suffocated it. She couldn't get the hell away from you and she had to get out. 

She blocked you precisely because she knew you would sob and cry and get on your knees to beg etc. She knew that you would behave like that, being the reason she was dumping you in the firs place, and she wanted none of it.

Stay in no contact. None of that "wait 30 days then send her a good memory text" crap. No contact is FOREVER. Every mistake is a lesson. Learn from this, learn how female attraction works, and be better for the next relationship.  

[Emilie Jolie]

11 minutes ago, roadside_romeo said:

Once I stuck in home after few days things changed and now I am here.

Well there you go - sharing your heatbreak will speed up the healing process, so you are still on the right track!

Give yourself a bit of time to lick the wounds and readjust the ego, and you'll be alright

[Realitysux]

39 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

This is not a matter of incompatibility, or not being able to figure out a future together, or family, or caste, or any of that. 

This almost 100% purely a matter of your needy, clingy, smothering and emotionally weak behavior making you highly unattractive to her. Women dump men because they are no longer attracted to them. This is why she dumped you. All the good memories and beautiful times of your relationship do not mean jack sh-t to her. What matters to her, and the only thing that matters to her, is whether she finds you sexually attractive.

What keeps women in relationships is the question "do I still find him attractive?" Not all of the beautiful moments you spent holding each other watching the sunset on a mountain with the bunnies and chipmunks. It's not about how romantic you are. It's about how attractively you are behaving around her. 

And spending every moment of every day with her, clinging to her, breathing down her neck at all times -- damn dude. That is just repulsive to women. It does NOT make her more attracted to you. She had no space, none at all. Attraction grows in space. You suffocated it. She couldn't get the hell away from you and she had to get out. 

She blocked you precisely because she knew you would sob and cry and get on your knees to beg etc. She knew that you would behave like that, being the reason she was dumping you in the firs place, and she wanted none of it.

Stay in no contact. None of that "wait 30 days then send her a good memory text" crap. No contact is FOREVER. Every mistake is a lesson. Learn from this, learn how female attraction works, and be better for the next relationship.  

Really appreciate you @rjc149. It's not always easy to hear but this is true. 

[rjc149]

12 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Really appreciate you @rjc149. It's not always easy to hear but this is true. 

You're welcome and I'm glad I'm being helpful. A lot of heartbreak, especially with men, is the Disney idealization of their girlfriends, which results in them getting dumped or cheated on. Getting rid of that Disney lens (or as it's called "taking the red pill") is the first step toward understand where we went wrong, and how to get better. I'm not trying to be harsh to the OP, but I promise, it's not nearly as harsh as what he's already been through. It only gets better from here. 

Edited May 8, 2020 by rjc149

[elaine567]

I don't believe women dump men because they get clingy, needy and "weak".
They dump them because they are not attracted to them, they are not in love and/or they see no future.
A woman in love will put up with all kinds of behaviour from her man, a woman not in love will dump him whether he is "beta" or "alpha"
Some women like being the "strong" to his "weak"
Some women love being put on a pedestal and adored.
Some women love being "close" some women will dump men if they are too distant.
It is never black and white, the trick is to know who YOU are and what YOU want.
If you are the soppy romantic, "close" loving type then find a girl who loves that, if you like independence and  "space", then find a girl who is happy with that.
Tying yourself into knots trying to change who you really are, will not result in happiness.
If you want "beautiful" moments, then you want "beautiful" moments, do not let anyone try to tell you are wrong for wanting that.

[roadside_romeo]

I agree with you. I was too clingy too her. That's why she broke up in march. Then she find her true love by that time. And by october that guy dumped her. So, basically,  in 7 months she just in another relationships and broke again! My question was not what was my fault. I know I was not a good choice. I was unattractive. Didn't I get the punishment for that? She left me. That's it. The biggest surprise is, how can someone be fall an love too often and broke up? Does that even love for them?

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I don't believe women dump men because they get clingy, needy and "weak".
They dump them because they are not attracted to them

...because they began to act clingy, needy and weak. 

 

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

A woman in love will put up with all kinds of behaviour from her man, a woman not in love will dump him whether he is "beta" or "alpha"

...and a woman will fall out of love when her man is no longer attractive to her. 

 

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Some women like being the "strong" to his "weak"

These are usually not the women most heterosexual men are interested in dating,

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Some women love being put on a pedestal and adored.
Some women love being "close" some women will dump men if they are too distant.

and yes, some women like the attention and adoration from a doormat for a little while, but quickly grow tired of it, and then are usually turned off by it. And you're right, it's not a matter of extremes. Women will emotionally disconnect from men who are too distant, but that's not the same as being sexually turned off by weakness. 

Thing is, the way a man acts and behaves has a significant influence on how a woman sees him, and whether she is attracted to him. It could be argued that there is a direct causality. 

The OP has room for improvement and growth, which will make him a more attractive prospect to women, make his relationships more successful, and make him a happier man. He can always be better. Telling him he shouldn't worry about trying to change for the better, that he will find success and happiness in relationships by continuing to be insecure and smothering, and just needs to meet a woman who is into that, is questionable advice at best. 

Edited May 8, 2020 by rjc149

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, roadside_romeo said:

I agree with you. I was too clingy too her. That's why she broke up in march. Then she find her true love by that time. And by october that guy dumped her. So, basically,  in 7 months she just in another relationships and broke again! My question was not what was my fault. I know I was not a good choice. I was unattractive. Didn't I get the punishment for that? She left me. That's it. The biggest surprise is, how can someone be fall an love too often and broke up? Does that even love for them?

If you no longer make her jyner tingle, you're out. That's it. True love has nothing to do with your situation. Get the that mentality out of your head. You gotta stop idealizing and romanticizing women like this, this is what gets you dumped and hurt. 

True love is the reward couples get for spending their lives together, it's not the starting point of a relationship. True love means *literally* not being able to live without the other, like when elderly couples die minutes after the other. It's 30-40-50 years or more together, weathering all of life's storms together, and still being strong at the end. It's not the times you spent at Walmart mouth-breathing down the neck of some girl you've been dating for a year or so.

=The way forward? Learn how to be a good choice. Since women are attracted mainly to confidence and high-value behavior, this is something you can learn and improve. You ARE attractive, you just need to unlock it. 

Start dating new women, get some experience. Even better if your ex sees you with a new girl. And unplug that Disney fairy tale "true love" bullsh-t out of your head, that'll kill your progress. 99% of the attractive girls you want to date like strong, confident men who are desired by lots of other girls. Become the guy who is chased. Don't continue being the guy chasing women for true love. 

Edited May 8, 2020 by rjc149

[elaine567]

As he is of a different caste from a different country, her parents will never tolerate him, they know that, she knows that,
He can be as Alpha as he wants, but he would still have been dumped...

BTW changing his entire personality, is not a change for the better..
Few can actually achieve that total transformation, and will find they will  be very unhappy trying.
No-one actually suggested he be insecure and smothering...

[rjc149]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

As he is of a different caste from a different country, her parents will never tolerate him, they know that, she knows that,
He can be as Alpha as he wants, but he would still have been dumped...

BTW changing his entire personality, is not a change for the better..
Few can actually achieve that total transformation, and will find they will  be very unhappy trying.
No-one actually suggested he be insecure and smothering...

A relationship not working out logistically is different from being dumped by a woman so she can date other men. 

Lol I'm not advocating total transformation into someone he doesn't want to be. It's pretty clear he wants to be a man who has successful relationships with women. That's going to take change. My conception of change is learning, improving, correcting mistakes, being the best version of yourself. These are all things he can proactively do to get better with women.

Telling him to accept and embrace correctable flaws and to find a woman who will settle for him (and then dump/cheat on him) is not the best advice to give. Being an insecure, needy, clingy, emotionally-insecure beta male who smothers women right out of his life what got him here in the first place, so you're saying he needs to keep walking this road until it eventually takes him somewhere different?