Not happy in marriage but still want to try

[Pelvis]

Hi, married nearly 14 years , 3 children. Basically I’ve a high sex drive and my wife doesn’t. I’m active and healthy but my wife isn’t bothered. But here’s the thing - I am still in love with her in many ways. I fancy her. Yet I don’t really feel happy/satisfied/wanted. Sometimes i feel we are just 2 friends bringing up our kids. I feel she puts her friends before me. I dislike her lack of enthusiasm/energy. When she’s around friends, energy seems to be abundant. She likes drinking - maybe too much at times in my eyes . Drink seems to be put on a pedestal. We have had the mismatched sexual desires chat many times but nothing changes. 
maybe it’s me - I just don’t know anymore. I do want her , I want her affection, I want to spend time lovemaking and feel close to her but it feels she just wants the bare minimum. I’m confused what to do. I don’t want to be unhappy 

[Zona]

What was she like at the beginning of the relationship? Has she changed in terms of desire for sex.

Women tend to get bored with sex in marriage quicker than men, so finding a way to spice things up sometimes helps.

Edited May 9, 2020 by Zona

[JS84]

I've said it time and time again, love alone is not enough to keep a relationship going. Nor is love alone a reason to keep a relationship going. From what you've described you two just don't sound compatible at this point in your lives and have different wants/desires. She seems satisfied with the status quo (from your POV) while you're not and it doesn't sound like she's interested in you. At least not romantically/sexually.

That being said does she have any complaints about you??? Do you help around the house?? Try to wine and dine her?? Are you involved with the kids, etc?? How are your work/life balances?? Finances okay? How long has the sexual mismatch been an issue? etc. It's possible she's checked out of the relationship due to resentment/frustration.

I'm not saying you have to divorce but it might not be a bad idea to at least talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. When women check out of a relationship, they rarely check back in.

[basil67]

JS84 asked some great questions.   I would also ask the question about how much sex you're wanting vs how much she's wanting to have sex.  And how old are your children?  

[Pelvis]

It’s not even quantity it’s actually just some effort/spontaneity etc. I’d be happy with a couple of times a week. I’ve tried, I mentioned early nights/baths/massage oil etc I’ve asked about lingerie every now and again but never. Children 10,7,5 

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

JS84 asked some great questions.   I would also ask the question about how much sex you're wanting vs how much she's wanting to have sex.  And how old are your children?  

 

[Pelvis]

30 minutes ago, Zona said:

What was she like at the beginning of the relationship? Has she changed in terms of desire for sex.

Women tend to get bored with sex in marriage quicker than men, so finding a way to spice things up sometimes helps.

In the beginning yeah it was good. Much more interested/ flirting etc Spice things up - yep I’ve tried 

[Pelvis]

38 minutes ago, JS84 said:

I've said it time and time again, love alone is not enough to keep a relationship going. Nor is love alone a reason to keep a relationship going. From what you've described you two just don't sound compatible at this point in your lives and have different wants/desires. She seems satisfied with the status quo (from your POV) while you're not and it doesn't sound like she's interested in you. At least not romantically/sexually.

That being said does she have any complaints about you??? Do you help around the house?? Try to wine and dine her?? Are you involved with the kids, etc?? How are your work/life balances?? Finances okay? How long has the sexual mismatch been an issue? etc. It's possible she's checked out of the relationship due to resentment/frustration.

I'm not saying you have to divorce but it might not be a bad idea to at least talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. When women check out of a relationship, they rarely check back in.

So status wise we are good. Finances good etc. Yes I am a very hands on father, and help with housework / cook dinners/ bake with the kids. Work/life is good too. Look I’m not perfect . My wife says I can be a bit intense- it probably comes from the fact that I dedicate myself 100% to things I do. I have many many times wined and dined her/breakfast in bed etc. Our main arguments are around sex. Recently We’ve both have had some issues on the sex side , UTI’s for her and me PE out of the blue. But she always tell me she is satisfied. But she also say that when it comes to sex, she’s not bothered sometimes meaning she could take or leave it 

Edited May 9, 2020 by Pelvis

[K.K.]

The more I read these kinds of threads, the more sad I become with the realization that this is more often than not, the norm. 

People can love each other. Would take a bullet for each other. But after a long time together, this seemingly inevitably just ... happens. 

I think the Madonna/whore thing is real. If we all just kept someone for sex on the side and went back home, drained and happy to our much loved spouses that fit like an old shoe, wouldn’t a wonderful world it would be. 

OF COURSE NOT. Because then you’re cheating. Hurting someone. Living with guilt.

That’s why people cheat. Because they’re not getting what they need at home. And if they don’t cheat, which many don’t.. they either A. Haven’t had the opportunity to feel that long lost pounding desire or B. Would rather give up their own needs and live for their wife or husband’s needs because of the love and respect that they have for them. 

Either way, someone’s getting screwed. (Or not) 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Pelvis said:

Spice things up - yep I’ve tried 

The problem is that if a person is not a fan of pizza then putting a spicy topping on it doesn't really help, they still don't want to eat it.

I think many women reach the stage where your wife is at.
Sex?  take it or leave it. 
Your wife hasn't given up on sex yet, but that is the next step. How old is she? She may be peri-menopausal.
She sees sex as no more important than any other activity, if It happens OK, if it doesn't happen OK too.
Once she gets to the stage where she can put it off and justify it to herself and you, then sex will dry up. The UTI problem may give her that excuse.
I am not saying she is making up the UTIs, UTIs are very real and painful, but the reduced frequency of sex may become the norm...
Trouble is with sex being unimportant or even something to avoid, then she will tend to distance herself as the last thing she wants to do is turn you on
Affection leads to touching, leads to making out, leads to sex. She doesn't want that, so she stops the touching, the affection.
That leads to you being in a very cold and lonely place. 

Drinking is often about self medication, a sign of discontent.
She is likely unhappy here for some reason. Unhappy women don't want sex.
Marriage  counselling may do you both good, but try to frame it away from the sex POV
Women tend to get fed up and annoyed with men always wanting sex and not seeing problems that to her may be very obvious...
Whatever you do, do it soon, do not leave it for another 5-10 years like some do, as then the issues are ingrained and often unsolvable. 

[d0nnivain]

Marriage counseling. 

You have talked about what you want but you don't seem to know what if anything she wants.  She has to talk to you about her expectations so you can set about meeting them or decide it's not worth it

[Fletch Lives]

Since she's changed, what that really means is that her love level has dropped - probably because you took her for granted. Start dating her like you did in the beginning and give her affection, romance, respect, and honesty. 

[Pelvis]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

The more I read these kinds of threads, the more sad I become with the realization that this is more often than not, the norm. 

People can love each other. Would take a bullet for each other. But after a long time together, this seemingly inevitably just ... happens. 

I think the Madonna/whore thing is real. If we all just kept someone for sex on the side and went back home, drained and happy to our much loved spouses that fit like an old shoe, wouldn’t a wonderful world it would be. 

OF COURSE NOT. Because then you’re cheating. Hurting someone. Living with guilt.

That’s why people cheat. Because they’re not getting what they need at home. And if they don’t cheat, which many don’t.. they either A. Haven’t had the opportunity to feel that long lost pounding desire or B. Would rather give up their own needs and live for their wife or husband’s needs because of the love and respect that they have for them. 

Either way, someone’s getting screwed. (Or not) 

All of the above is true 

[Pelvis]

58 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem is that if a person is not a fan of pizza then putting a spicy topping on it doesn't really help, they still don't want to eat it.

I think many women reach the stage where your wife is at.
Sex?  take it or leave it. 
Your wife hasn't given up on sex yet, but that is the next step. How old is she? She may be peri-menopausal.
She sees sex as no more important than any other activity, if It happens OK, if it doesn't happen OK too.
Once she gets to the stage where she can put it off and justify it to herself and you, then sex will dry up. The UTI problem may give her that excuse.
I am not saying she is making up the UTIs, UTIs are very real and painful, but the reduced frequency of sex may become the norm...
Trouble is with sex being unimportant or even something to avoid, then she will tend to distance herself as the last thing she wants to do is turn you on
Affection leads to touching, leads to making out, leads to sex. She doesn't want that, so she stops the touching, the affection.
That leads to you being in a very cold and lonely place. 

Drinking is often about self medication, a sign of discontent.
She is likely unhappy here for some reason. Unhappy women don't want sex.
Marriage  counselling may do you both good, but try to frame it away from the sex POV
Women tend to get fed up and annoyed with men always wanting sex and not seeing problems that to her may be very obvious...
Whatever you do, do it soon, do not leave it for another 5-10 years like some do, as then the issues are ingrained and often unsolvable. 

Wow - when I read this a lot is applicable to us I feel. My wife is 42 and yes I suppose the menopause is not a million miles away but this issue has been going on for many years. On countless occasions it blows up and we have the chat about needs. It’s always me who initiates the chat. I do see her side of things and respect it but even after we have supposedly agreed a compromise and she promises more effort ; I never see anything different. No lingerie, no showers/baths together, never enough time given to it (last thing at night), never a morning kiss or cuddle , never mind sex, never an morning or afternoon romp or any playfulness. It’s always on her terms - it sometimes feels like it’s a chore for her and the feeling I get is “that I should be happy what I get”. It’s not all about sex though, she’ll never show me affection in public, asked her will we sing a few songs on guitar recently and it was a no, I won’t be asked do you fancy a walk or cycle . Anyway I’m rambling. I do feel like a bystander in the relationship at times. I do hurt. Maybe she’s hurting too as she just hasn’t got enthusiasm for relationship or doesn’t want to lead me on. I am not a bad person , I’m a good dad and try do everything for everyone but I need to lookout for me. 
thanks 

[Pelvis]

42 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Marriage counseling. 

You have talked about what you want but you don't seem to know what if anything she wants.  She has to talk to you about her expectations so you can set about meeting them or decide it's not worth it

Yep - we may have to go counselling. I think at this stage she knows what I want - I’ve told her many times. It’s harder I feel as times of no intimacy/sex is easier for the parter with lower libido. She could go weeks without physical touch and be perfectly content. But I can’t 

[Pelvis]

15 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Since she's changed, what that really means is that her love level has dropped - probably because you took her for granted. Start dating her like you did in the beginning and give her affection, romance, respect, and honesty. 

 Thanks - honestly I do try.  We have a lot of good points in this relationship- we are equal , we are on the same page with regard to kids etc. Really the physical side has caused us issues for years. I also feel our friendship is deteriorating- I think I’m not put first anymore. 

[schlumpy]

You mentioned her drinking. Is it with friends? Does she go out with friends once or twice a week to drink and if she does where does she go?

You stay home with the kids?

[Zona]

I hate to bring this up, but I had an unfaithful wife (so I am probably more jaded than normal), and I now know that this kind of thing could be a sign that she is getting physical affection from another man, so doesn't need/want it from you. Sounds crazy, and I'm sure you think she is not that type. Virtually every betrayed man thought their wife was not that type, I definitely did. She was a "good girl" type or so I thought. Somewhere between 30 and 60% of women cheat at least once in their lifetime, probably higher in Europe than in other parts of the world, so the risk is not insignificant.

I'm not saying this so that you become jealous and paranoid, but just so you don't trust blindly. You mentioned that she has lots of GNO with her friends where alcohol is involved. That can be trouble, especially if her friends are single.

Human sexuality, especially for women, is pretty darn complicated. I do think there is some truth to the Madonna-whore complex theories. One thing that is extremely common is women who claimed to have little to no interest in sex  becoming wild p0rn stars in an affair. I have two friends that this happened to when their (now ex) wives cheated. It was a very hard thing for them to wrap their minds around.

In any case I hope you can sort things out. There are plenty of good women out there who would kill to find a man like you. Your wife needs to stop taking you for granted and figure out her $h1t.

Edited May 9, 2020 by Zona

[Pelvis]

56 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

You mentioned her drinking. Is it with friends? Does she go out with friends once or twice a week to drink and if she does where does she go?

You stay home with the kids?

Well yes - she does drink a lot more than me. If out with friends , she will drink a lot most of the time. I have no problem with her meeting friends etc but when she drinks , she can be irritable after and she’ll always be tired for a few days after. She wouldn’t be out with friends every week or anything though but she will drink every week..

[Pelvis]

31 minutes ago, Zona said:

I hate to bring this up, but I had an unfaithful wife (so I am probably more jaded than normal), and I now know that this kind of thing could be a sign that she is getting physical affection from another man, so doesn't need/want it from you. Sounds crazy, and I'm sure you think she is not that type. Virtually every betrayed man thought their wife was not that type, I definitely did. She was a "good girl" type or so I thought. Somewhere between 30 and 60% of women cheat at least once in their lifetime, probably higher in Europe than in other parts of the world, so the risk is not insignificant.

I'm not saying this so that you become jealous and paranoid, but just so you don't trust blindly. You mentioned that she has lots of GNO with her friends where alcohol is involved. That can be trouble, especially if her friends are single.

Human sexuality, especially for women, is pretty darn complicated. I do think there is some truth to the Madonna-whore complex theories. One thing that is extremely common is women who claimed to have little to no interest in sex  becoming wild p0rn stars in an affair. I have two friends that this happened to when their (now ex) wives cheated. It was a very hard thing for them to wrap their minds around.

In any case I hope you can sort things out. There are plenty of good women out there who would kill to find a man like you. Your wife needs to stop taking you for granted and figure out her $h1t.

Thanks

Being honest  she has one single friend who she has went to see in both Vegas and Dubai within the last two years. This friend is single and I do know they party hard for 3-4 nights . Obviously I know she drinks and know she’s up late - but marriage is about trust and I’ve got to believe she hasn’t been with anyone. But I don’t know. I recently found out she was smoking and she told me she was doing this for years when she was out drinking with friends. This kinda hurt actually. She hid it from me because she said she knew What my reaction would be like. See my wife also has MS - I didn’t mention this earlier but I tend to get concerned at some of her behaviour considering her illness. I worry about my future too - her behaviour can jeopardise my and our kids future. She hasn’t had any related problems from MS for more than 10 years. She is lucky. Being honest I just don’t know how to proceed now. I’m afraid of saying anything which jeopardise 5 people’s lives forever. All I want is her love/devotion/affection/passion/enthusiasm- I don’t want anyone else. I will give her back all of the above and whatever else she wants in return. But I can’t accept no effort or minimum effort anymore as it’s hurting me 

[Zona]

Pelvis, you sound like a good and decent man. Hopefully your wife will come around. You do need to tell her how you feel though and keep telling her so she knows it's seriously affecting you, otherwise nothing will change. If you tell her how you feel and she blows things up and the marriage becomes worse , then that says a lot about her.

Edited May 9, 2020 by Zona

[elaine567]

If she has MS then she is stupid to start smoking.
Managing MS as she ages is all about maintaining brain function and smoking damages the brain, increasing her chances of disability.
I guess she has Relapsing Remitting  MS, but Secondary Progressive MS is the next big hurdle for her.
Has she been on the DMTs?  

You need to think this through very carefully.
Living with little sex and affection is one thing but living with little sex and affection and a potentially disabled wife is another...

Quote

SPMS
Fatigue.
Numbness or tingling.
Vision problems, such as double vision.
Spasticity or stiffness of the muscles.
Bowel and bladder problems, such as urgent need to urinate.
Problems with cognition, such as learning and memory or information processing.
Difficulty with walking and coordination.

 

[Pelvis]

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If she has MS then she is stupid to start smoking.
Managing MS as she ages is all about maintaining brain function and smoking damages the brain, increasing her chances of disability.
I guess she has Relapsing Remitting  MS, but Secondary Progressive MS is the next big hurdle for her.
Has she been on the DMTs?  

You need to think this through very carefully.
Living with little sex and affection is one thing but living with little sex and affection and a potentially disabled wife is another...

 

Yes she has been on drugs in the past for it but not at present. Smoking yes - really bad for health. But getting pissed is not good either. This bothers me of course. I have told her about my concern too but it falls on deaf ears most of the time. Of course you marry for better or worse - but we’re supposed to be partners helping and looking out for each other on life’s journey. It seems my looking out for her is deemed to be annoying her. She gets quite defensive when I mention drink. She says just because I don’t drink often that it doesn’t give me the right to comment on her drinking 

[schlumpy]

I wish you had mentioned the MS before now. My wife was diagnosed in 2000.

You have a lot of challenges ahead of you. MS can change many things and it will be hard to sort out if the behavior your wife is presenting is her true feelings or MS influenced.

 

[Pelvis]

54 minutes ago, Zona said:

Pelvis, you sound like a good and decent man. Hopefully your wife will come around. You do need to tell her how you feel though and keep telling her so she knows it's seriously affecting you, otherwise nothing will change. If you tell her how you feel and she blows things up and the marriage becomes worse , then that says a lot about her.

Thanks for your comments. I will tell her and probably tonight. We have not had physical touch or affection for the past month now - yes we are talking etc and we’re friendly  but we both know there’s an elephant in the room cause once the kids go to bed and it’s near our bed time, it all goes quiet 

[rjc149]

OP, I think there's a significant likelihood that your wife has cheated, and/or is currently cheating. She seems to be skilled at deception. Partying out in Vegas with a single friend (hopefully not a male!) for 3-4 nights at her age? Come on dude. Trust, but verify. 

From a relationship standpoint, you are in relationships to *give.* You are there to meet the needs of your partner and respect their desires. Your wife isn't doing that. 

It's not fair when a wife withholds sex from her husband, with whatever excuse she comes up with.  It's not fair for her gain weight and let herself go physically. It's not fair to take her husband for granted and stop giving a sh-t. 

This deal is not fair to you. If she's got the energy to rage it up in Vegas for a week, she's got the energy to have sex. Don't accept excuses. Renegotiate the deal or walk.

And probably a bit late to consider this advice, but don't get married.