Not happy in marriage but still want to try

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Pelvis said:

Thanks. We’re 2 equal partners so there’s 2 sides to every story of course. Being honest I’m not sure what my bad points are. 

If this is true, I would gently suggest that lack of self reflection is a bad point.  Thing is, no person is without bad points.  

[Pelvis]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

If this is true, I would gently suggest that lack of self reflection is a bad point.  Thing is, no person is without bad points.  

Sure I’ve bad points - think I’ve mentioned that in above threads. 

[basil67]

In the part I quoted, you said that you’re not sure what your bad points are.  

[Pelvis]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

In the part I quoted, you said that you’re not sure what your bad points are.  

I’m not going to delve into every personal trait and portray them to everyone. I’m trying to fix items in my relationship that are not working for me. No ones perfect of course and there’s most likely items of my character that bug my wife. In the main I’m bringing up 2 topics that I know put a strain on the relationship. Ones about my family’s future - I know I’m in the right to be concerned about my wife’s MS and her behaviour in ignoring this. The second item is probably standard on these threads - mismatched libido . 

[pepperbird]

16 hours ago, Caauug said:

This doesn't sound good.... Your wife had to go onto the defense from your "attack". Don't say it wasn't an attack because you didn't raise your voice or shout. She didn't say much because she felt it was an attack against her and her actions. It's another shove to push her away farther. Your wife will have a "Stamp Book" on you, "Stamp" = everything or every time you have let her down, made her mad or sad etc. Normally you only get to see at the end of a relationship but some times you get a short peek at a fight or heavy discussion. If she doesn't say much or just brush you off when you are try to get your point across in a "Talk" her care factor is very low. Her "Stamp Book" on you is nearly full". As she collects your "Stamps" her love/lust for you slowly goes. I don't think you can get "Stamps" removed..... Maybe an extra blank page to buy you a little more time??? Good Luck on that.

Some of her reasons she fell in love and married you was your looks, health, personality and your ability to provide for her and her kids. (The way you made her feel about herself) She likely doesn't want any more kids, there goes the one big reason she would need sex from you (with lust gone). You are still required to provide...… Likely the only reason she is still there. The MS is likely also playing a part slowing her feet up finding another "Provider" for her.

For anyone wanting to call the "Stamp Book" crap please explain it in your own words. At the end of a relationship, you get every reason why she doesn't want to be with you, what you did wrong from decades ago that you never even know about. You get the times you rejected her even if you never knew you had done it and she never told you before the "Book" was opened. Women have incredible memories so don't ever fall for the: What did you do in Vegas? "I don't remember...." Women can remember every birthday of every relative they and you have, with everyone of the anniversaries also. "I don't remember"= I can't tell you because you will be angry/disappointed/etc., I will have to explain too much, and you will not understand anyway....

So very true!!!! I tried to explain above, this is so much HIS problem..... Her lust for him has gone for a reason......

The thing with the stamp book model is that it doesn't have to be that way. I learned this with my husband.
I had a bad habit of not really saying anything if I was annoyed with him, if he had hurt  me or if I was angry. I'd just sort of let it go. I thought I was doing the right thing but really, it was a mistake. he can't be expected to address issues he doesn't know exist. now if I tell him and he doesn't take that on board, that's on him.

[pepperbird]

On 5/9/2020 at 6:32 PM, Pelvis said:

Yep I need to tell her how I feel. I agree with you - my biggest worry is breaking up my family . Another problem is that I’ve told her how I feel before and it doesn’t make a difference. 

How have you told her how you feel?

 

[pepperbird]

On 5/10/2020 at 4:30 AM, Pelvis said:

Understood - and I do have empathy and try to help her. I have mentioned to her about her diet / exercise and take some friendly bacteria etc for uti’s but it falls on deaf ears. And for sure I don’t expect her to be up for PIV if she is the middle of a flare up. But the problem is she won’t be up for anything else either 

sir,

I also have a chronic illness, and I am going to let you in on something.

This could just be me, but if my husband started doing this, I would be sooooo pissed off. I am an adult, not a child. When you have a chronic illness, you lose control over a lot of your life. The little bits and pieces that you can keep charge of become very important-touchstones really, and what may feel like honest support to you may feel very different to her.
I'm not suggesting that's your fault, it sounds like your concern and actions are coming from a  really good place. Have you ever asked her how she feels about having MS? Given her a safe space to talk about how she feels without making any suggestions to her? It can be really hard for someone who is used to being active and in control of their life to have that taken away because of a disease. You feel like your body has let you down.

[Pelvis]

8 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

How have you told her how you feel?

 

Yep told her last night 

[pepperbird]

On 5/10/2020 at 9:49 AM, schlumpy said:

I recommend that if your wife gives you a good reason to leave the marriage then do so post haste. I don't say that lightly. I believe strongly in "better or for worse."

What you need to consider is her lack of feelings for you and the MS. It will be very difficult to take care of her when her mobility starts to decline. Please trust me on that. As you get older your world shrinks but when your SO has MS it can come to a dead stop. Your role as a husband gets diluted with the increasing role of a caretaker.

If I thought that you two were in love and both committed to the marriage I would not be saying this but it doesn't appear that she is.

It's a very large burden both emotionally and financially to carry forward especially into retirement years where your own physical capacity has diminished.

MS is a variable disease. Some people succumb and are bed ridden within a few years. Others gradually decline while taking expensive medication like Copaxone. The lucky ones suffer mildly from balance problems and fatigue. You never know since it auto immune.

This is something two people face together that share a high regard for one another. If that regard one-sided then you are just being used.

Let her find someone else to use.

 

 

That's about the most rotten thing I have read on here in a long time.

[pepperbird]

21 hours ago, Pelvis said:

Very little so far actually. When I mentioned drinking and smoking with MS , and I asked what would her parents think -she mentioned that they’d probably say that “she’s her own person and does what she wants”. But she knows herself this is not the case and she didn’t really say anything after this. I made it clear I won’t put up with it but I didn’t once shout or raise my voice but I really feel she felt the seriousness of the conversation we had. Whether anything will change - I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ but I feel a lot better now. I’m standing up for my say In this relationship from now on. 

oh god...please tell me you don't guilt her like that often. that's a really low blow.

[pepperbird]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like you spoke to her as a naughty child rather than establishing a conversation about working together for a better future and talking about both of your unmet needs.  You basically chucked a bomb into your marriage.  

Be fully prepared for her to come back at you with quite a bit to say, both defending herself and putting her foot down in return.

 

yeah, it kinds of comes off as if he's scolding a naughty child.

[Pelvis]

1 minute ago, pepperbird said:

sir,

I also have a chronic illness, and I am going to let you in on something.

This could just be me, but if my husband started doing this, I would be sooooo pissed off. I am an adult, not a child. When you have a chronic illness, you lose control over a lot of your life. The little bits and pieces that you can keep charge of become very important-touchstones really, and what may feel like honest support to you may feel very different to her.
I'm not suggesting that's your fault, it sounds like your concern and actions are coming from a  really good place. Have you ever asked her how she feels about having MS? Given her a safe space to talk about how she feels without making any suggestions to her? It can be really hard for someone who is used to being active and in control of their life to have that taken away because of a disease. You feel like your body has let you down.

Yep -I have stood by and supported her throughout the illness. I would say I’ve went the extra mile to ensure life is somewhat easier for her. There’s a point though that I feel has been met. She’s never been v active ever. She watched what she ate temporarily during the early stages after diagnosis. She’s not on drugs at present- her choice even though I probably would prefer if she was. Her health is and has been good for many years. 2 episodes of MS in 12 years- we’ve been lucky. But smoking behind my back/ drinking too much. She is her own adult of course but this is a mutual relationship and I feel I have a say 

[pepperbird]

12 hours ago, Pelvis said:

Thanks. We’re 2 equal partners so there’s 2 sides to every story of course. Being honest I’m not sure what my bad points are. She has mentioned I can be intense.

See most of the time we get on well. It’s just I feel there’s something missing and she doesn’t or at least if she does then she doesn’t open up. Of course I’ll have to step up in any change we make . Thanks 

Okay, this is actually very revealing.
If you can't see what your bad points may be or how you may have contributed to the state of your marriage, that's actually a really bad sign. If you are serious about wanting to improve your marriage and not just find reasons why you should walk away, you'll think about that.
 

[pepperbird]

5 hours ago, Pelvis said:

I’m not going to delve into every personal trait and portray them to everyone. I’m trying to fix items in my relationship that are not working for me. No ones perfect of course and there’s most likely items of my character that bug my wife. In the main I’m bringing up 2 topics that I know put a strain on the relationship. Ones about my family’s future - I know I’m in the right to be concerned about my wife’s MS and her behaviour in ignoring this. The second item is probably standard on these threads - mismatched libido . 

So this is all about her, her actions, her problems. You have contributed nothing to the situation?
If you are serious about your situation, you'll drop that view really fast.

Some have raised the question about whether or not she's cheating. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Have you cheated? Has any other woman caught your eye recently?

[Pelvis]

8 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

yeah, it kinds of comes off as if he's scolding a naughty child.

You’re not living my life. I’m looking out for my future and our family. We get one shot at this life , we may as well try be as happy as we can be. I know I’m not perfect, and I know at times we all say things that may be construed differently by the person On the receiving end. But we must seek happiness in our married life and keep trying - it doesn’t just land on your lap

[Pelvis]

3 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

So this is all about her, her actions, her problems. You have contributed nothing to the situation?
If you are serious about your situation, you'll drop that view really fast.

Some have raised the question about whether or not she's cheating. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Have you cheated? Has any other woman caught your eye recently?

- I think you should read the thread again. I trust my wife. She trusts me. Smoking behind my back lost some trust. I’ve never strayed. I’m sure she hasn’t either. It’s actions of 2 people that causes problems in a marriage . Some actions partners ignore/accept but other actions we don’t accept. I know I give this relationship 100% from all aspects energy/enthusiasm/ family/ listening etc but there may be vital areas I’m missing. At least as of now I’ve never been told actions that she won’t accept. Whereas there have been actions I have brought up before but we are still no closer to resolving.

[pepperbird]

8 minutes ago, Pelvis said:

You’re not living my life. I’m looking out for my future and our family. We get one shot at this life , we may as well try be as happy as we can be. I know I’m not perfect, and I know at times we all say things that may be construed differently by the person On the receiving end. But we must seek happiness in our married life and keep trying - it doesn’t just land on your lap

Who on earth ever suggested it did?
There's a difference between saying "I don't want you smoking /drinking/whatever" and scolding her like a naughty child, asking what her parents would think. Try reversing it, how would you feel if she said something like that to you?

Like I said, you sound like a nice guy who is really trying. Painting your marriage issues as one sided will only make it that much harder.  If that's the tack you're going to take, you may as well separate now. Save yourself some heartache.

Edited May 11, 2020 by pepperbird

[Pelvis]

21 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

sir,

I also have a chronic illness, and I am going to let you in on something.

This could just be me, but if my husband started doing this, I would be sooooo pissed off. I am an adult, not a child. When you have a chronic illness, you lose control over a lot of your life. The little bits and pieces that you can keep charge of become very important-touchstones really, and what may feel like honest support to you may feel very different to her.
I'm not suggesting that's your fault, it sounds like your concern and actions are coming from a  really good place. Have you ever asked her how she feels about having MS? Given her a safe space to talk about how she feels without making any suggestions to her? It can be really hard for someone who is used to being active and in control of their life to have that taken away because of a disease. You feel like your body has let you down.

Do you considering party for 5 days in both Vegas and Dubai shoes that “her body has let her down” ? 

[Pelvis]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

Who on earth ever suggested it did?
There's a difference between saying "I don't want you smoking /drinking/whatever" and scolding her like a naughty child, asking what her parents would think. Try reversing it, how would you feel if she said something like that to you?

Like I said, you sound like a nice guy who is really trying. Painting your marriage issues as one sided will only make it that much harder.  If that's the tack you're going to take, you may as well separate now. Save yourself some heartache.

Point taken - wasn’t intended that way. I’m genuinely concerned but that point probably didn’t help 

[pepperbird]

2 minutes ago, Pelvis said:

- I think you should read the thread again. I trust my wife. She trusts me. Smoking behind my back lost some trust. I’ve never strayed. I’m sure she hasn’t either. It’s actions of 2 people that causes problems in a marriage . Some actions partners ignore/accept but other actions we don’t accept. I know I give this relationship 100% from all aspects energy/enthusiasm/ family/ listening etc but there may be vital areas I’m missing. At least as of now I’ve never been told actions that she won’t accept. Whereas there have been actions I have brought up before but we are still no closer to resolving.

I really do think you two should head to a counsellor post haste. A trained professional can really help-they can give you a safe space to talk, and having a  neutral third party can make sure you both really hear what the other has to say. If she's not getting what you're trying to tell her, they can help her understand.

[pepperbird]

3 minutes ago, Pelvis said:

Do you considering party for 5 days in both Vegas and Dubai shoes that “her body has let her down” ? 

Yes.

MS is a relapsing disease, a lot like mine. I have days when I can bike 10 km, work out in my garden, run a board meeting and still keep going. Other days, I can't get out of bed and cry because it hurts too much to walk. I went from scuba diving in Belize one week to being in hospital with a tube down my throat, struggling to swallow the next.

That's the way automimmune diseases are like.

[pepperbird]

6 minutes ago, Pelvis said:

Point taken - wasn’t intended that way. I’m genuinely concerned but that point probably didn’t help 

If you're concerned, say that to her. She really needs to know how her disease is also impacting you. Your voice is just as important at as hers, and it needs to be heard. If she knows your concern is based on love and concern for her, it might help.
Have you ever told her that you're afraid for her? It's okay to say that. You don't always have to be strong for her. It's okay to admit it if you;re struggling too.

[Pelvis]

17 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

If you're concerned, say that to her. She really needs to know how her disease is also impacting you. Your voice is just as important at as hers, and it needs to be heard. If she knows your concern is based on love and concern for her, it might help.
Have you ever told her that you're afraid for her? It's okay to say that. You don't always have to be strong for her. It's okay to admit it if you;re struggling too.

Yes I’ve told her on a few occasions at this stage. Hence it’s kinda came to me posting here 

[Pelvis]

21 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

Yes.

MS is a relapsing disease, a lot like mine. I have days when I can bike 10 km, work out in my garden, run a board meeting and still keep going. Other days, I can't get out of bed and cry because it hurts too much to walk. I went from scuba diving in Belize one week to being in hospital with a tube down my throat, struggling to swallow the next.

That's the way automimmune diseases are like.

Yes but the things you mention above are not unhealthy. Having a job , cycling , scuba diving, keeping busy etc Are good things. I’m talking about quite destructive behaviours. I have to deal with the aftermath of her late nights drinking . I take the slack with the kids. Every now and then we need to let loose - but it can be often in this case. I feel quite isolated sometimes. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

That's about the most rotten thing I have read on here in a long time.

Schlumpy is speaking from first hand experience. His wife has MS.
That i guess has been a hard enough road without being in an unhappy marriage to begin with.