Not happy in marriage but still want to try

[Pelvis]

Ok good news I think. Good heart to heart tonight. We’re gonna try get back on track. Unfortunately my concerns felt a bit controlling for her and she feels its kinda been this way Since diagnosis in 2009. She said it’s been lingering over the years and she’s only truly recognised it now. She said this has most likely led to lack of interest at times plus she admitted to not putting effort in.

I’m disappointed my over caring became really annoying and has caused this as it wasn’t intentional. 

Well the plan is to for both of us to work at it and make changes. We both took blame and we want to get this right and have fun and be happy

Fingers crossed 

Edited May 11, 2020 by Pelvis

[Zona]

Best of luck. I hope things work out for you two.

[S2B]

On 5/9/2020 at 6:14 AM, Pelvis said:

Wow - when I read this a lot is applicable to us I feel. My wife is 42 and yes I suppose the menopause is not a million miles away but this issue has been going on for many years. On countless occasions it blows up and we have the chat about needs. It’s always me who initiates the chat. I do see her side of things and respect it but even after we have supposedly agreed a compromise and she promises more effort ; I never see anything different. No lingerie, no showers/baths together, never enough time given to it (last thing at night), never a morning kiss or cuddle , never mind sex, never an morning or afternoon romp or any playfulness. It’s always on her terms - it sometimes feels like it’s a chore for her and the feeling I get is “that I should be happy what I get”. It’s not all about sex though, she’ll never show me affection in public, asked her will we sing a few songs on guitar recently and it was a no, I won’t be asked do you fancy a walk or cycle . Anyway I’m rambling. I do feel like a bystander in the relationship at times. I do hurt. Maybe she’s hurting too as she just hasn’t got enthusiasm for relationship or doesn’t want to lead me on. I am not a bad person , I’m a good dad and try do everything for everyone but I need to lookout for me. 
thanks 

Does your wife have any childhood molestation in her history? Was she ever raped? 
also, have you two done any counseling together?

i don’t understand why she promises you what you ask for yet doesn’t deliver - that makes her a blatant liar.

and no one should have to beg someone you love and loves you to have sex with you. 
 

if she won’t change you should divorce her - you are terribly mismatched at this point in your lives. Maybe that what she wants - to be left alone...but she stays because you add money to the family and help out around the house.

and ya know, sometimes a wife like that may not EVER appreciate you and participate willingly with sex u til she knows you plan to walk away if She wants to continue dismissing your needs.

but seriously, she shouldn’t be married to anyone if she doesn’t plan to have sex.

or it’s possible she has been seeing someone else?

[Pelvis]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Does your wife have any childhood molestation in her history? Was she ever raped? 
also, have you two done any counseling together?

i don’t understand why she promises you what you ask for yet doesn’t deliver - that makes her a blatant liar.

and no one should have to beg someone you love and loves you to have sex with you. 
 

if she won’t change you should divorce her - you are terribly mismatched at this point in your lives. Maybe that what she wants - to be left alone...but she stays because you add money to the family and help out around the house.

and ya know, sometimes a wife like that may not EVER appreciate you and participate willingly with sex u til she knows you plan to walk away if She wants to continue dismissing your needs.

but seriously, she shouldn’t be married to anyone if she doesn’t plan to have sex.

or it’s possible she has been seeing someone else?

No - to pretty much all your questions. She provides to the family just as much as me. And it’s not a sexless marriage by any means. We both issues for sure but we both feel with a bit of work we can be happy again. The weeks/months/years will tell of course but I’m positive 

[S2B]

7 minutes ago, Pelvis said:

No - to pretty much all your questions. She provides to the family just as much as me. And it’s not a sexless marriage by any means. We both issues for sure but we both feel with a bit of work we can be happy again. The weeks/months/years will tell of course but I’m positive 

Are you open to using a professional counselor? Someone who will hold her accountable if she doesn’t do the action she has promised...

[Pelvis]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Are you open to using a professional counselor? Someone who will hold her accountable if she doesn’t do the action she has promised...

Sure - we will go ahead with trying ourselves for now but we are both open to counselling in the future if required. 

[S2B]

6 hours ago, Pelvis said:

Sure - we will go ahead with trying ourselves for now but we are both open to counselling in the future if required. 

Better to do this now rather than having the same conversation again with the same result (no action) from your wife.

[Pelvis]

So a quick update.

thankfully things have been going very well  for the past few weeks. We are getting on real well and there has definitely been an understanding on both sides to each other’s needs. Hopefully our future can continue to be happy. Thanks to all for comments and opinions and helping me understand both sides. 

[Cinnesyn]

My scumbag husband is divorcing me because I'm now disabled and can't bring home the money that I used to. He even admitted it to me, saying he only married me for my money. I was warned about marrying a crack user / alcoholic but I'm the biggest idiot I know. He attempted suicide, and then went into a rehab program. He was dry and drug free for 7 years. He worked hard getting his license back during this time. But, I became sick and the hospital didn't catch it in time before it almost killed me. I am unable to walk due to a blood infection that attacked my spine. My employer fired me because I couldn't tell them when I could come back to work - can't drive, can't walk, extreme pain when sitting in my wheelchair, doctors wouldn't give me a note. So wonderful POS husband says he wants a divorce. With that, there goes my life, medical, dental, and vision insurance. We also have to file bankruptcy because I consolidated marital debt into a loan in my name only. Great interest rate because my credit was very good until he started get $80 from the ATM every 4 days to buy weed. He then stopped daily at the liquor store. At first it was only a 40 ounce can but soon became a 6 pack and then a 12 and then a case. I'm upset today because it's our 12th wedding anniversary. 

[schlumpy]

8 hours ago, Cinnesyn said:

My scumbag husband is divorcing me because I'm now disabled and can't bring home the money that I used to. He even admitted it to me, saying he only married me for my money. I was warned about marrying a crack user / alcoholic but I'm the biggest idiot I know. He attempted suicide, and then went into a rehab program. He was dry and drug free for 7 years. He worked hard getting his license back during this time. But, I became sick and the hospital didn't catch it in time before it almost killed me. I am unable to walk due to a blood infection that attacked my spine. My employer fired me because I couldn't tell them when I could come back to work - can't drive, can't walk, extreme pain when sitting in my wheelchair, doctors wouldn't give me a note. So wonderful POS husband says he wants a divorce. With that, there goes my life, medical, dental, and vision insurance. We also have to file bankruptcy because I consolidated marital debt into a loan in my name only. Great interest rate because my credit was very good until he started get $80 from the ATM every 4 days to buy weed. He then stopped daily at the liquor store. At first it was only a 40 ounce can but soon became a 6 pack and then a 12 and then a case. I'm upset today because it's our 12th wedding anniversary. 

Ask the moderators to move your post to it's own thread so it can be properly attended to.

What do you think it was that made you so blind? Is he a real charmer that can talk bees out of there honey? What did he do for you that made you toss all common sense and caution to the wind?

Are your family and friends so alienated by your willful disregard of heir advice that they have withdrawn any support?

We need some details to understand the dynamics between you and your POS husband. We need to understand why you made the decisions you did.