Not happy in marriage but still want to try

[Zona]

Does she have problems having an "O"? Sex has never been a problem in my marriage. My wife is off the charts sexually. She makes porn stars look like prudes. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by Zona

[Pelvis]

45 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I wish you had mentioned the MS before now. My wife was diagnosed in 2000.

You have a lot of challenges ahead of you. MS can change many things and it will be hard to sort out if the behavior your wife is presenting is her true feelings or MS influenced.

 

Hard to get everything down in the thread-:) We both don’t believe that having an illness should stop you living but for MS , I think a little more sense is wise. Yes now and again let go but the Vegas and Dubai  trips - she let go for 5 days each time. Late late nights - drinking and smoking. Anyway I’m only waiting for when she mentions she wants to go again 

[Pelvis]

44 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

OP, I think there's a significant likelihood that your wife has cheated, and/or is currently cheating. She seems to be skilled at deception. Partying out in Vegas with a single friend (hopefully not a male!) for 3-4 nights at her age? Come on dude. Trust, but verify. 

From a relationship standpoint, you are in relationships to *give.* You are there to meet the needs of your partner and respect their desires. Your wife isn't doing that. 

It's not fair when a wife withholds sex from her husband, with whatever excuse she comes up with.  It's not fair for her gain weight and let herself go physically. It's not fair to take her husband for granted and stop giving a sh-t. 

This deal is not fair to you. If she's got the energy to rage it up in Vegas for a week, she's got the energy to have sex. Don't accept excuses. Renegotiate the deal or walk.

And probably a bit late to consider this advice, but don't get married. 

It’s kinda how I feel to be honest. Look she does look after me at times - but to me it feels like it’s a chore for her. I just don’t feel the love. That’s what is hurting more than anything - I feel a bit resentful as she will party to the early hours with her friends yet will put no time or effort into our sex life. She’ll come down at 10:15 and then I’m supposed to be ready to go. I’m 42 now - it can take a bit longer these days. -:) I really don’t feel she would do the dirt on me. I just think she is like that - although copious anounts of alcohol has an effect and we’ve all done silly things in our younger days 😂

[Pelvis]

49 minutes ago, Zona said:

Does she have problems having an "O"? Sex has never been a problem in my marriage. My wife is off the charts sexually. She makes porn stars look like prudes. 

No - she gets off - and even quickly it seems through penetration. But she’s not into trying anything new - I try go down on her and she pushes me off. Every now and then she allows me go down on her and she loves it but then it’s a 6 month gap before I’m allowed again. I don’t know - sometimes I give up -I massage her often and for long periods of time . I just can’t get her to loosen up and let herself go - unless of course she has alcohol on board 

[Zona]

Does she guard her phone like a Rottweiler? In this day and age, it's easy to keep in contact with people secretly without leaving a trail.

 

[d0nnivain]

Has your wife ever been screened for depression?  She's dealing with a lot.  I suspect the drinking is a form of self medication.  She has 3 small children, a husband who is pressuring her for sex & a debilitating disease.  I bet she is depressed & it's crushing her libido.  The more you ask for sex the less she wants sex with you. 

You need counseling if you are going to get through this.  

[Zona]

I had a buddy when I was younger whose wife left him about a year after their daughter was born. She completely lost interest in sex and was disgusted when he even just touched her. Keep in mind that he was a very handsome and masculine Italian guy. Everyone was shocked and it made no sense. I'm just relating this story because I don't think a wife losing interest in sex is uncommon at all, although not to that extreme.

[Marc878]

Sounds to me like she’s just not that into you. Yet she’s good out with friends, etc.

You may just be someone she has kids with but not much more.

You'll probably get a lot of excuses, etc. but that won’t fix your problem.

Bottom line it comes down to do you want a less than full life with someone you aren’t compatible with?

You do have a choice.

 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by Marc878

[Pelvis]

38 minutes ago, Zona said:

Does she guard her phone like a Rottweiler? In this day and age, it's easy to keep in contact with people secretly without leaving a trail.

 

No - not at all 

[Pelvis]

37 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Has your wife ever been screened for depression?  She's dealing with a lot.  I suspect the drinking is a form of self medication.  She has 3 small children, a husband who is pressuring her for sex & a debilitating disease.  I bet she is depressed & it's crushing her libido.  The more you ask for sex the less she wants sex with you. 

You need counseling if you are going to get through this.  

I actually ask rarely these days. Depression - um - not sure but she definitely feels stressed a lot I feel . I can see that 

[Pelvis]

36 minutes ago, Zona said:

I had a buddy when I was younger whose wife left him about a year after their daughter was born. She completely lost interest in sex and was disgusted when he even just touched her. Keep in mind that he was a very handsome and masculine Italian guy. Everyone was shocked and it made no sense. I'm just relating this story because I don't think a wife losing interest in sex is uncommon at all, although not to that extreme.

thanks for comment 

[Pelvis]

11 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Sounds to me like she’s just not that into you. Yet she’s good out with friends, etc.

You may just be someone she has kids with but not much more.

You'll probably get a lot of excuses, etc. but that won’t fix your problem.

Bottom line it comes down to do you want a less than full life with someone you aren’t compatible with?

You do have a choice.

 

 

And this is the part that frightens me. 😰 But I don’t think I can go on forever not feeling wanted. I know if asked, she will saw she wants me. But lust is definitely not there now. I’ll never get a complement about anything even though I give them her. Anyway 

[Marc878]

Just now, Pelvis said:

And this is the part that frightens me. 😰 But I don’t think I can go on forever not feeling wanted. I know if asked, she will saw she wants me. But lust is definitely not there now. I’ll never get a complement about anything even though I give them her. Anyway 

Words for the most part are meaningless. Her actions are what you act on. They tell you more.

download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Free pdf and it’s short.

In a marriage it does take 2. All work, kid related stuff should be shared. A relationship should be balanced. It’s never gonna be 50/50 but it should be reasonably close.

I’ve seen these situations many times. You can work on yourself, read books, buy flowers and cards, take her on dates etc but if she’s not interested you’ve got 2 choices.

Stay and accept you are pretty much a checkbook or roommate. These situations for the most part will not change. No matter what.

Let her go and free yourself to have a life you want. You can’t make her do anything but you can control you.

Youll hear:

You must stay, you must give her space, you must stay for the kids, etc. Nope, you don’t have to do anything. I’ve seen people stay in this type of limbo for many years. You wake up one day look back at 10, 15, 20 years and you can’t get that back.

Your life is up to you. No one else.

It is wise in cases like this to go online and check your phone bill. Just to rule that out.

[Pelvis]

48 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Words for the most part are meaningless. Her actions are what you act on. They tell you more.

download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Free pdf and it’s short.

In a marriage it does take 2. All work, kid related stuff should be shared. A relationship should be balanced. It’s never gonna be 50/50 but it should be reasonably close.

I’ve seen these situations many times. You can work on yourself, read books, buy flowers and cards, take her on dates etc but if she’s not interested you’ve got 2 choices.

Stay and accept you are pretty much a checkbook or roommate. These situations for the most part will not change. No matter what.

Let her go and free yourself to have a life you want. You can’t make her do anything but you can control you.

Youll hear:

You must stay, you must give her space, you must stay for the kids, etc. Nope, you don’t have to do anything. I’ve seen people stay in this type of limbo for many years. You wake up one day look back at 10, 15, 20 years and you can’t get that back.

Your life is up to you. No one else.

It is wise in cases like this to go online and check your phone bill. Just to rule that out.

Yep I need to tell her how I feel. I agree with you - my biggest worry is breaking up my family . Another problem is that I’ve told her how I feel before and it doesn’t make a difference. 

[Marc878]

10 minutes ago, Pelvis said:

Yep I need to tell her how I feel. I agree with you - my biggest worry is breaking up my family . Another problem is that I’ve told her how I feel before and it doesn’t make a difference. 

It probably never will. What that tells you is she doesn’t care all that much. 
 

If you want to be a martyr what’s that going to get you? Kids grow up go their own way and have their own lives to live.
 

It’s totally your life and how you want to live it. You will only get out of it what you put into it. Spending it on fruitless ventures won’t get you much. There is no one and only soulmate. There are many who could fit that bill.

Edited May 9, 2020 by Marc878

[princessaurora]

15 hours ago, Pelvis said:

So status wise we are good. Finances good etc. Yes I am a very hands on father, and help with housework / cook dinners/ bake with the kids. Work/life is good too. Look I’m not perfect . My wife says I can be a bit intense- it probably comes from the fact that I dedicate myself 100% to things I do. I have many many times wined and dined her/breakfast in bed etc. Our main arguments are around sex. Recently We’ve both have had some issues on the sex side , UTI’s for her and me PE out of the blue. But she always tell me she is satisfied. But she also say that when it comes to sex, she’s not bothered sometimes meaning she could take or leave it 

I'm not trying to make up excuses for her, but I can tell you that recurrent uti's can really effect your interest in sex. I went through a period in my life where every time I had sex I would get one and after awhile, I just started associating sex with peeing razor blades for days  and it got to the point where those few minutes to an hour of pleasure wasnt worth the pain it put in for days afterward. I didnt even want my husband kissing me because I knew he'd try to escalate to sex and I didnt want the pain the uti brought on.It was a very tough time for us. I now have a permanent bladder condition that doesnt allow me to have frequent piv, but I do fine with oral and do piv when i'm not flaring. But during those bad uti days I didnt want anyone to touch me and I wonder if thats contributing to her disinterest in sex.  Just putting that out there. 

[simpycurious]

Maybe there are other factors that you do not know about.  Making love last is not always the easiest thing to do. People change, they grow in different directions, they wonder if they can see forever with one person.  So, it may be deeper than you are thinking. 

[heartwhole2]

My first inclination is not infidelity because this seems to be her status quo for quite some time, likely greatly influenced by her MS and otherwise not taking great care of herself. Possibly she's in a slump where she's just not really her best self emotionally or physically and so sex likely does feel like a chore. I don't think that's something you should take personally because it's about her and not about you, but of course you desire and deserve a healthy relationship and connection which would include good sex as well. Though of course, only one person knows for sure, and that's her.

When a person is worn down and ill and defensive, they're probably not going to say, "Oh yes, I shall make a bunch of seemingly impossible lifestyle changes all at once just because you brought it up." That doesn't mean that you can't get through to her, but I think it will take a lot more than one conversation. I would definitely request counseling and think through what you will do if she doesn't want to go. Are you willing to try a separation? Ask for an open marriage? And when you do speak to her, I would try to focus on your deep love for her and desire to be close, and not on a list of grievances or "areas for improvement." 

FWIW I'm coming from the perspective of having developed health problems that reduced my energy to about 20% of what it used to be, which started during my second pregnancy. My husband did complain about feeling not desired and like sex was a chore, but for my part, I made sure we were approximating how much we used to have sex before kids and before my health issues. I felt like, what more did he want? I wasn't able to enjoy much of anything, really, and what little energy I had went into my family. For his part, he had an affair instead of doing what I'm recommending to you . . . really talking to me out of a place of concern for me. I'm not saying he didn't have a right to be concerned about himself, but I think if he had really taken the time to see things from my point of view, he would have put his feeling of neglect into a much larger and fuller context.

My general philosophy of marriage is to give the benefit of the doubt and to try to kickstart a virtuous cycle, rather than a vicious one, whenever I can. Now sometimes your partner doesn't deserve that benefit of the doubt, and you wind up martyring yourself in an attempt to start one. But if your partner is worth keeping and sees how far you are willing to go to reconnect, they might just get sucked into the positivity themselves. 

[Marc878]

Meh, I’ve seen people on here going thru this for 5-10 Years some even longer. Every excuse in the book. Bottom line these situations never change. 
 

Manipulations or threats Only work for short periods if that.

IMO you’re just wasting time/life you’ll never get back. Some are just not compatible.

If you want a fairy tale ending buy a book or rent a a Disney movie. 
 

A lot will live on hopium for awhile but even that wears thin.

You either make a decision or keep yourself in limbo.

[Pelvis]

7 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I'm not trying to make up excuses for her, but I can tell you that recurrent uti's can really effect your interest in sex. I went through a period in my life where every time I had sex I would get one and after awhile, I just started associating sex with peeing razor blades for days  and it got to the point where those few minutes to an hour of pleasure wasnt worth the pain it put in for days afterward. I didnt even want my husband kissing me because I knew he'd try to escalate to sex and I didnt want the pain the uti brought on.It was a very tough time for us. I now have a permanent bladder condition that doesnt allow me to have frequent piv, but I do fine with oral and do piv when i'm not flaring. But during those bad uti days I didnt want anyone to touch me and I wonder if thats contributing to her disinterest in sex.  Just putting that out there. 

Understood - and I do have empathy and try to help her. I have mentioned to her about her diet / exercise and take some friendly bacteria etc for uti’s but it falls on deaf ears. And for sure I don’t expect her to be up for PIV if she is the middle of a flare up. But the problem is she won’t be up for anything else either 

[Pelvis]

6 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Maybe there are other factors that you do not know about.  Making love last is not always the easiest thing to do. People change, they grow in different directions, they wonder if they can see forever with one person.  So, it may be deeper than you are thinking. 

Maybe - I’m not perfect and I’m sure there are flaws in my character that she doesn’t like

[Pelvis]

4 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

My first inclination is not infidelity because this seems to be her status quo for quite some time, likely greatly influenced by her MS and otherwise not taking great care of herself. Possibly she's in a slump where she's just not really her best self emotionally or physically and so sex likely does feel like a chore. I don't think that's something you should take personally because it's about her and not about you, but of course you desire and deserve a healthy relationship and connection which would include good sex as well. Though of course, only one person knows for sure, and that's her.

When a person is worn down and ill and defensive, they're probably not going to say, "Oh yes, I shall make a bunch of seemingly impossible lifestyle changes all at once just because you brought it up." That doesn't mean that you can't get through to her, but I think it will take a lot more than one conversation. I would definitely request counseling and think through what you will do if she doesn't want to go. Are you willing to try a separation? Ask for an open marriage? And when you do speak to her, I would try to focus on your deep love for her and desire to be close, and not on a list of grievances or "areas for improvement." 

FWIW I'm coming from the perspective of having developed health problems that reduced my energy to about 20% of what it used to be, which started during my second pregnancy. My husband did complain about feeling not desired and like sex was a chore, but for my part, I made sure we were approximating how much we used to have sex before kids and before my health issues. I felt like, what more did he want? I wasn't able to enjoy much of anything, really, and what little energy I had went into my family. For his part, he had an affair instead of doing what I'm recommending to you . . . really talking to me out of a place of concern for me. I'm not saying he didn't have a right to be concerned about himself, but I think if he had really taken the time to see things from my point of view, he would have put his feeling of neglect into a much larger and fuller context.

My general philosophy of marriage is to give the benefit of the doubt and to try to kickstart a virtuous cycle, rather than a vicious one, whenever I can. Now sometimes your partner doesn't deserve that benefit of the doubt, and you wind up martyring yourself in an attempt to start one. But if your partner is worth keeping and sees how far you are willing to go to reconnect, they might just get sucked into the positivity themselves. 

Lack of energy is one thing she does complain about. I do as much as I can to make her life easier. But when she can go out partying with no apparent lack of energy; it makes me think. We are both quite steadfast people and that makes this even more difficult. Open marriage- nah not for me. I just want to feel wanted/desired etc not just a room mate bringing up kids 

[Pelvis]

4 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Meh, I’ve seen people on here going thru this for 5-10 Years some even longer. Every excuse in the book. Bottom line these situations never change. 
 

Manipulations or threats Only work for short periods if that.

IMO you’re just wasting time/life you’ll never get back. Some are just not compatible.

If you want a fairy tale ending buy a book or rent a a Disney movie. 
 

A lot will live on hopium for awhile but even that wears thin.

You either make a decision or keep yourself in limbo.

Yes I need to get an answer this time around. Bottom line is I want this to work. Yes I’ve put up with years of feeling this way but not anymore as it’s just not healthy for me. 

[Pelvis]

I am going to have the chat tonight. I was thinking of doing it last night but decided it  would best to gather people’s thoughts. As I’ve mentioned I do want this to work but it can’t continue in its current form as it’s not healthy for me and I need to look out for me. In saying that it’s not healthy for my wife either. This causes stress. Love shouldn’t feel forced/rushed - it should happen. As we age we still should have our partners best interests at heart. I feel I have been doing that - I just need to feel something back. Sex alone won’t solve that - it’s a feeling of being wanted/ and that she is always thinking of ways of making me happy. I can not remember the last time I have been made feel special. That’s not good as I knew I put a massive effort into this family . Thanks for all your comments- it’s been very insightful and much appreciated.Wish me luck - and I’ll post back in due course

[Marc878]

You’d be wise to download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover it’s a free pdf and short.

Being passive aggressive or manipulative will work against you. 

Talking doesn’t get you much either. 

Sometimes if you do to much in these situations it can lead to being taken advantage of.

Do your part but no more.

Never make ultimatums you won’t follow through with. That just makes things worse.

You can’t change or make anyone do anything. Only they can fix that. 

If it comes down to you’re incompatible then you either live with it or you don’t.

There’s no magic Fix. It takes 2.

 

Edited May 10, 2020 by Marc878