Not happy in marriage but still want to try

[Marc878]

7 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Maybe there are other factors that you do not know about.  Making love last is not always the easiest thing to do. People change, they grow in different directions, they wonder if they can see forever with one person.  So, it may be deeper than you are thinking. 

Love and intimacy is a major component of any healthy marriage. If you don’t have it or can’t get it back then what’s the point?
 

 

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, Pelvis said:

Lack of energy is one thing she does complain about. I do as much as I can to make her life easier. But when she can go out partying with no apparent lack of energy; it makes me think. We are both quite steadfast people and that makes this even more difficult. Open marriage- nah not for me. I just want to feel wanted/desired etc not just a room mate bringing up kids 

Just as a check to rule it out. Go online and check your phone bill.

She got/makes time to party then there’s time for the marriage or should be.

Edited May 10, 2020 by Marc878

[Pelvis]

10 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

You’d be wise to download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover it’s a free pdf and short.

Being passive aggressive or manipulative will work against you. 

Talking doesn’t get you much either. 

Sometimes if you do to much in these situations it can lead to being taken advantage of.

Do your part but no more.

Never make ultimatums you won’t follow through with. That just makes things worse.

You can’t change or make anyone do anything. Only they can fix that. 

If it comes down to you’re incompatible then you either live with it or you don’t.

There’s no magic Fix. It takes 2.

 

Thanks a lot - will read that 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Pelvis said:

I don’t expect her to be up for PIV if she is the middle of a flare up. But the problem is she won’t be up for anything else either 

Have you ever had a UTI?
You can't expect a woman in the middle of a UTI to be up for hand jobs and blow jobs surely? It is an infection it makes you feel under par if not actually awful.
You feel like you want to pee all the time and you can have bad pain in the bladder region too. When you do pee it is agony , as princessaurora said it is like peeing razor blades.

2 hours ago, Pelvis said:

I have mentioned to her about her diet / exercise and take some friendly bacteria etc for uti’s but it falls on deaf ears.

There are no friendly bacteria for UTIs and diet exercise won't help specifically either.
It may be the usual sex related UTIs or be related to the perimenopause.
BUT if she has MS, urinary problems are not that uncommon. 
She may not be able to empty her bladder properly and the residual urine tends to get infected causing recurrent UTIs.

[Pelvis]

25 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Have you ever had a UTI?
You can't expect a woman in the middle of a UTI to be up for hand jobs and blow jobs surely? It is an infection it makes you feel under par if not actually awful.
You feel like you want to pee all the time and you can have bad pain in the bladder region too. When you do pee it is agony , as princessaurora said it is like peeing razor blades.

There are no friendly bacteria for UTIs and diet exercise won't help specifically either.
It may be the usual sex related UTIs or be related to the perimenopause.
BUT if she has MS, urinary problems are not that uncommon. 
She may not be able to empty her bladder properly and the residual urine tends to get infected causing recurrent UTIs.

Yes I’ve had them over the years but they leave quickly but I know women are more prone to them. 
Good habits like drinking water, good diet, and exercise can help. If it didn’t we would all be on medication for something. Visiting a urologist or someone like that could help too right - I can’t make her go I can only suggest. But she never wants to discuss it.

Also remember discontent doesn’t happen over a week/month - it builds up over time . There’s been many long stretches of time we’re UTI’s were not an issue but we still had similar relationships issues then too 

I can’t be the one always trying to initiate. 
 

[schlumpy]

I recommend that if your wife gives you a good reason to leave the marriage then do so post haste. I don't say that lightly. I believe strongly in "better or for worse."

What you need to consider is her lack of feelings for you and the MS. It will be very difficult to take care of her when her mobility starts to decline. Please trust me on that. As you get older your world shrinks but when your SO has MS it can come to a dead stop. Your role as a husband gets diluted with the increasing role of a caretaker.

If I thought that you two were in love and both committed to the marriage I would not be saying this but it doesn't appear that she is.

It's a very large burden both emotionally and financially to carry forward especially into retirement years where your own physical capacity has diminished.

MS is a variable disease. Some people succumb and are bed ridden within a few years. Others gradually decline while taking expensive medication like Copaxone. The lucky ones suffer mildly from balance problems and fatigue. You never know since it auto immune.

This is something two people face together that share a high regard for one another. If that regard one-sided then you are just being used.

Let her find someone else to use.

 

 

[Pelvis]

1 minute ago, schlumpy said:

I recommend that if your wife gives you a good reason to leave the marriage then do so post haste. I don't say that lightly. I believe strongly in "better or for worse."

What you need to consider is her lack of feelings for you and the MS. It will be very difficult to take care of her when her mobility starts to decline. Please trust me on that. As you get older your world shrinks but when your SO has MS it can come to a dead stop. Your role as a husband gets diluted with the increasing role of a caretaker.

If I thought that you two were in love and both committed to the marriage I would not be saying this but it doesn't appear that she is.

It's a very large burden both emotionally and financially to carry forward especially into retirement years where your own physical capacity has diminished.

MS is a variable disease. Some people succumb and are bed ridden within a few years. Others gradually decline while taking expensive medication like Copaxone. The lucky ones suffer mildly from balance problems and fatigue. You never know since it auto immune.

This is something two people face together that share a high regard for one another. If that regard one-sided then you are just being used.

Let her find someone else to use.

 

 

Thanks - forget to mention yesterday that I’m sorry to hear your SO has MS too. Your points are valid- the blatant disregard for the illness bothers me. It’s my future too and as you mentioned I need to feel that we’ll take what comes our way and deal with it as a loving couple. I have even told her that before - who will pick up the pieces if something happens due to her disregard for the illness- it’ll be me not her friends. I also didn’t like the fact that she was smoking whilst drinking for years behind my back. Big bad me  obviously would go crazy if I found out his wife was smoking. Anyway somehow I have to get this sorted. I know she is going to turn it all back on me when we have the chat. 

[Zona]

I'm not recommending you do anything rash or lash out in anger or frustration. At the same time, you can't let fear stop you from addressing this. You care about your wife and your family, and IMO that's what makes a man a man. It's natural you want to protect those things.

Push forward methodically and carefully, but also be assertive. Ultimately you can only control what you do, not what your wife does. You don't want to have to pressure or manipulate your spouse to get the bare minimum you need. 

Best of luck with your "chat"! Hopefully she will start to come around and realize what she has to lose. Even though she might be defensive at first and turn it back on you, she will also likely think about what you said when she has a chance to reflect.

Edited May 10, 2020 by Zona

[Pelvis]

12 hours ago, Pelvis said:

I am going to have the chat tonight. I was thinking of doing it last night but decided it  would best to gather people’s thoughts. As I’ve mentioned I do want this to work but it can’t continue in its current form as it’s not healthy for me and I need to look out for me. In saying that it’s not healthy for my wife either. This causes stress. Love shouldn’t feel forced/rushed - it should happen. As we age we still should have our partners best interests at heart. I feel I have been doing that - I just need to feel something back. Sex alone won’t solve that - it’s a feeling of being wanted/ and that she is always thinking of ways of making me happy. I can not remember the last time I have been made feel special. That’s not good as I knew I put a massive effort into this family . Thanks for all your comments- it’s been very insightful and much appreciated.Wish me luck - and I’ll post back in due course

Chat is done. Not sure what the aftermath of it will be. There was no shouting . I made my points clear.
Specifically about disregard to her health and that it’s not just her future she’s jeopardising but it’s mine and her kids. I did tell her that I didn’t like her lieing to me about smoking and told her I won’t put up with this going forward.

Also mentioned the physical side. How affection seems gone. No spontaneity/ enthusiasm etc etc 
 

I did make it clear that I still loved her and desired her but told her I’m looking out for me now. And I won’t accept no change. 

Well that’s it for now - I’ll see how it goes but at least my feelings are out there now and there is no ambiguity. 
 

[elaine567]

What did SHE say?

[Pelvis]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What did SHE say?

Very little so far actually. When I mentioned drinking and smoking with MS , and I asked what would her parents think -she mentioned that they’d probably say that “she’s her own person and does what she wants”. But she knows herself this is not the case and she didn’t really say anything after this. I made it clear I won’t put up with it but I didn’t once shout or raise my voice but I really feel she felt the seriousness of the conversation we had. Whether anything will change - I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ but I feel a lot better now. I’m standing up for my say In this relationship from now on. 

[pepperbird]

On 5/9/2020 at 3:38 AM, Pelvis said:

Hi, married nearly 14 years , 3 children. Basically I’ve a high sex drive and my wife doesn’t. I’m active and healthy but my wife isn’t bothered. But here’s the thing - I am still in love with her in many ways. I fancy her. Yet I don’t really feel happy/satisfied/wanted. Sometimes i feel we are just 2 friends bringing up our kids. I feel she puts her friends before me. I dislike her lack of enthusiasm/energy. When she’s around friends, energy seems to be abundant. She likes drinking - maybe too much at times in my eyes . Drink seems to be put on a pedestal. We have had the mismatched sexual desires chat many times but nothing changes. 
maybe it’s me - I just don’t know anymore. I do want her , I want her affection, I want to spend time lovemaking and feel close to her but it feels she just wants the bare minimum. I’m confused what to do. I don’t want to be unhappy 

It sound sot me like sex is a major way for how you show affection and contentedness. It may not be that way for your wife, I don't know.
Do you show her affection in other ways besides sex? do you hold her hand, hug her, put your arm around her if you're out, listen to her, be there for her if and when she ever needs you? If you can examine your behaviour and feel that you have done all you can, I would suggest your next move would be to contact a counsellor as soon as you can. See if you two can't figure out what's going on.
as an aside, I am so happy to see someone who reaches out for help because they are having a problem and doesn't turn to cheating.  Good on you!

[elaine567]

How does she usually react to you "putting your foot down"?

[pepperbird]

On 5/9/2020 at 2:19 PM, rjc149 said:

OP, I think there's a significant likelihood that your wife has cheated, and/or is currently cheating. She seems to be skilled at deception. Partying out in Vegas with a single friend (hopefully not a male!) for 3-4 nights at her age? Come on dude. Trust, but verify. 

From a relationship standpoint, you are in relationships to *give.* You are there to meet the needs of your partner and respect their desires. Your wife isn't doing that. 

It's not fair when a wife withholds sex from her husband, with whatever excuse she comes up with.  It's not fair for her gain weight and let herself go physically. It's not fair to take her husband for granted and stop giving a sh-t. 

This deal is not fair to you. If she's got the energy to rage it up in Vegas for a week, she's got the energy to have sex. Don't accept excuses. Renegotiate the deal or walk.

And probably a bit late to consider this advice, but don't get married. 

op,

it's pretty hard to say what's going on here without hearing from your wife. We can speculate until he cows come home, but whether we are right or not, who knows?

Playing devil's advocate, if we were to ask her, what do you think she'd say are your good points, what are your bad points and what do you think she would say is the root cause of your troubles? I am NOT saying this is your fault in any way, shape or form, but it might help to paint a better picture of what your marriage is like.

[pepperbird]

55 minutes ago, Pelvis said:

Chat is done. Not sure what the aftermath of it will be. There was no shouting . I made my points clear.
Specifically about disregard to her health and that it’s not just her future she’s jeopardising but it’s mine and her kids. I did tell her that I didn’t like her lieing to me about smoking and told her I won’t put up with this going forward.

Also mentioned the physical side. How affection seems gone. No spontaneity/ enthusiasm etc etc 
 

I did make it clear that I still loved her and desired her but told her I’m looking out for me now. And I won’t accept no change. 

Well that’s it for now - I’ll see how it goes but at least my feelings are out there now and there is no ambiguity. 
 

you do know you will have to step up to the plate too? I know I might sound like I'm picking, but take it from a little old married lady- if you only view this as HER problem, it will never change. You sound like a nice guy who is really trying hard. I do hope you two can work this out.

[basil67]

Sounds like you spoke to her as a naughty child rather than establishing a conversation about working together for a better future and talking about both of your unmet needs.  You basically chucked a bomb into your marriage.  

Be fully prepared for her to come back at you with quite a bit to say, both defending herself and putting her foot down in return.

 

[Caauug]

3 hours ago, Pelvis said:

Very little so far actually. When I mentioned drinking and smoking with MS , and I asked what would her parents think -she mentioned that they’d probably say that “she’s her own person and does what she wants”. But she knows herself this is not the case and she didn’t really say anything after this. I made it clear I won’t put up with it but I didn’t once shout or raise my voice but I really feel she felt the seriousness of the conversation we had. Whether anything will change - I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ but I feel a lot better now. I’m standing up for my say In this relationship from now on. 

This doesn't sound good.... Your wife had to go onto the defense from your "attack". Don't say it wasn't an attack because you didn't raise your voice or shout. She didn't say much because she felt it was an attack against her and her actions. It's another shove to push her away farther. Your wife will have a "Stamp Book" on you, "Stamp" = everything or every time you have let her down, made her mad or sad etc. Normally you only get to see at the end of a relationship but some times you get a short peek at a fight or heavy discussion. If she doesn't say much or just brush you off when you are try to get your point across in a "Talk" her care factor is very low. Her "Stamp Book" on you is nearly full". As she collects your "Stamps" her love/lust for you slowly goes. I don't think you can get "Stamps" removed..... Maybe an extra blank page to buy you a little more time??? Good Luck on that.

Some of her reasons she fell in love and married you was your looks, health, personality and your ability to provide for her and her kids. (The way you made her feel about herself) She likely doesn't want any more kids, there goes the one big reason she would need sex from you (with lust gone). You are still required to provide...… Likely the only reason she is still there. The MS is likely also playing a part slowing her feet up finding another "Provider" for her.

For anyone wanting to call the "Stamp Book" crap please explain it in your own words. At the end of a relationship, you get every reason why she doesn't want to be with you, what you did wrong from decades ago that you never even know about. You get the times you rejected her even if you never knew you had done it and she never told you before the "Book" was opened. Women have incredible memories so don't ever fall for the: What did you do in Vegas? "I don't remember...." Women can remember every birthday of every relative they and you have, with everyone of the anniversaries also. "I don't remember"= I can't tell you because you will be angry/disappointed/etc., I will have to explain too much, and you will not understand anyway....

3 hours ago, pepperbird said:

I know I might sound like I'm picking, but take it from a little old married lady- if you only view this as HER problem, it will never change.

So very true!!!! I tried to explain above, this is so much HIS problem..... Her lust for him has gone for a reason......

[Zona]

Ignore the critics, you did great. Did you happen to ask her if she has any complaints about you.

[Pelvis]

8 hours ago, pepperbird said:

It sound sot me like sex is a major way for how you show affection and contentedness. It may not be that way for your wife, I don't know.
Do you show her affection in other ways besides sex? do you hold her hand, hug her, put your arm around her if you're out, listen to her, be there for her if and when she ever needs you? If you can examine your behaviour and feel that you have done all you can, I would suggest your next move would be to contact a counsellor as soon as you can. See if you two can't figure out what's going on.
as an aside, I am so happy to see someone who reaches out for help because they are having a problem and doesn't turn to cheating.  Good on you!

I would be quite an affectionate person and she’s not. I feel I have tried to understand her and I’m writing here as I need some help.

thanks for the comment

[Pelvis]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

How does she usually react to you "putting your foot down"?

She’s definitely usually more vocal but she did say she will come back to me as she needs time to think 

[Pelvis]

8 hours ago, pepperbird said:

you do know you will have to step up to the plate too? I know I might sound like I'm picking, but take it from a little old married lady- if you only view this as HER problem, it will never change. You sound like a nice guy who is really trying hard. I do hope you two can work this out.

Thanks. We’re 2 equal partners so there’s 2 sides to every story of course. Being honest I’m not sure what my bad points are. She has mentioned I can be intense.

See most of the time we get on well. It’s just I feel there’s something missing and she doesn’t or at least if she does then she doesn’t open up. Of course I’ll have to step up in any change we make . Thanks 

[Pelvis]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like you spoke to her as a naughty child rather than establishing a conversation about working together for a better future and talking about both of your unmet needs.  You basically chucked a bomb into your marriage.  

Be fully prepared for her to come back at you with quite a bit to say, both defending herself and putting her foot down in return.

 

Hope I didn’t come across the way. !! I think I’m came across in a more concerned fashion yet Delivered in a strong fashion that things need to change 

[Pelvis]

4 hours ago, Caauug said:

This doesn't sound good.... Your wife had to go onto the defense from your "attack". Don't say it wasn't an attack because you didn't raise your voice or shout. She didn't say much because she felt it was an attack against her and her actions. It's another shove to push her away farther. Your wife will have a "Stamp Book" on you, "Stamp" = everything or every time you have let her down, made her mad or sad etc. Normally you only get to see at the end of a relationship but some times you get a short peek at a fight or heavy discussion. If she doesn't say much or just brush you off when you are try to get your point across in a "Talk" her care factor is very low. Her "Stamp Book" on you is nearly full". As she collects your "Stamps" her love/lust for you slowly goes. I don't think you can get "Stamps" removed..... Maybe an extra blank page to buy you a little more time??? Good Luck on that.

Some of her reasons she fell in love and married you was your looks, health, personality and your ability to provide for her and her kids. (The way you made her feel about herself) She likely doesn't want any more kids, there goes the one big reason she would need sex from you (with lust gone). You are still required to provide...… Likely the only reason she is still there. The MS is likely also playing a part slowing her feet up finding another "Provider" for her.

For anyone wanting to call the "Stamp Book" crap please explain it in your own words. At the end of a relationship, you get every reason why she doesn't want to be with you, what you did wrong from decades ago that you never even know about. You get the times you rejected her even if you never knew you had done it and she never told you before the "Book" was opened. Women have incredible memories so don't ever fall for the: What did you do in Vegas? "I don't remember...." Women can remember every birthday of every relative they and you have, with everyone of the anniversaries also. "I don't remember"= I can't tell you because you will be angry/disappointed/etc., I will have to explain too much, and you will not understand anyway....

So very true!!!! I tried to explain above, this is so much HIS problem..... Her lust for him has gone for a reason......

Your opinions are welcome even if I don’t agree. 

[Pelvis]

1 hour ago, Zona said:

Ignore the critics, you did great. Did you happen to ask her if she has any complaints about you.

Thanks

I’m sure round 2 will happen today and she will come back strongly with her thoughts. Hopefully though we can chat and it doesn’t turn into a shouting match where we get no where. 

[Zona]

1 minute ago, Pelvis said:

 Hopefully ... it doesn’t turn into a shouting match where we get no where. 

Shouting matches are never good! Marriage is a lot about compromise, so hopefully you can find something that works for both of you.