Online Dating

[OatsAndHall]

As far as photos go, you want to post attractive ones but you also want them to be "honest". I won't message a woman if they don't have a full-body pic of some kind. I know many people are self-conscious about their bodies (whether it's warranted or not) but only posting selfies won't garner attention. And, make sure that the pictures are current (i.e. within the last year..). I have been out with several women who looked nothing like their photos because those pics were quite old.

One woman was 20-30lbs heavier than she was in her pics and her face has aged considerably when compared to the photos she put up. It was discouraging and the date was uncomfortable. She was carrying a few extra pounds in her photos which I find attractive but the woman that showed up was pretty much obese. I was polite and pleasant throughout the date but it must've been obvious that I was uncomfortable and I cut the date short.

[miranda561]

11 hours ago, rjc149 said:

You're welcome haha it was also for the benefit of the OP (hopefully). 

The harsh reality is that OLD makes mate selection far, far more superficial. If men are already superficial in real life, it's compounded online. Or, they are using cyber courage to hit up lots of girls in a desperate attempt to get laid or get a girlfriend, without having to deal with discomfort of approaching in real life, and the sting of face-to-face rejection. 

I agree about the superficiality.

The guy i was referring to earlier..when he said his friends were settin him up with women a while back. Pretty much he kept commenting on how ugly they were. But then he was obviously interested in me for a while. 

I really can't be bothered with really shallow people though. Even though they would like me based on my looks. So hoping he ain't  that 

[miranda561]

9 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

As far as photos go, you want to post attractive ones but you also want them to be "honest". I won't message a woman if they don't have a full-body pic of some kind. I know many people are self-conscious about their bodies (whether it's warranted or not) but only posting selfies won't garner attention. And, make sure that the pictures are current (i.e. within the last year..). I have been out with several women who looked nothing like their photos because those pics were quite old.

One woman was 20-30lbs heavier than she was in her pics and her face has aged considerably when compared to the photos she put up. It was discouraging and the date was uncomfortable. She was carrying a few extra pounds in her photos which I find attractive but the woman that showed up was pretty much obese. I was polite and pleasant throughout the date but it must've been obvious that I was uncomfortable and I cut the date short.

😂 you cut it short because she was obese. 

At least stay the length.not just leave because she wasnt what you was expecting.

I dont think ive ever been that attracted to anyone on a first date through an online app but im never rude

Edited May 12, 2020 by miranda561

[introverted1]

I don't think it's rude to cut it short because the person has misrepresented themselves. If someone is dishonest -- whether about their appearance or age or job or education or whatever -- that's not a good foundation for a relationship.  Why stick around?

[MissBee]

On 5/9/2020 at 1:12 PM, MimiCupid82 said:

I've been single for about 2.5 years, was in a relationship for 3 years with my first love. We broke up because he moved across the country for a job opportunity and then I later found out he met someone else and started cheated on me after I was supposed to move out there with him in a matter of months but oh well that's neither here nor here.  I began online dating about 10 months ago and have been having trouble finding love. I met a few guys who I connected with but the relationship didn't come to fruition. I am desperately desiring to date again but I'm tired of not having success.  Has anyone pursued online dating? How has your experiences been? If you found love, What techniques worked for you?  Are men really just into looks ? 

I've always said that online is just a way to meet people, in  an efficient and to -the-point way, but it doesn't necessarily guarantee anything. Just like if you met someone at work, school, the grocery store, a bar, it doesn't matter, none of those venues guarantee you will be in a loving relationship, it's just how you met. What's more significant is what happens after you meet and hang out and get to know the person, that part is what leads to love, not whether you met at Whole Foods in the line or swiping on Tinder.

I've had many successes with good dates and even my current relationship, we met online 2.5 years ago. In the last 10 years for me, all but one of my serious partners we met online. The relationship where we met in person and had been friends prior actually turned out to be one of the most damaging ones for me, so the fact we had been friends before and knew each other face to face for 2 years before dating didn't at all make it turn out any better.

There is also no one size fits all. Of course men are into other things besides looks, some men aren't but that isn't all. Some people are looks first and only people and many others aren't. All dating, online or off is about finding the people who match with you. So the best technique is being clear on who you are and what you're looking for and being open to discovering if the people you come across offer enough of a match to pursue things and go from there.

Create a profile you like and feel represents you looks wise and bio wise and set your filters and even initiate messages and be open and see. But no specific technique will guarantee love. Well, except manifesting it and setting intentions (which I believe and have success with, but that's another story).

 

 

Edited May 12, 2020 by MissBee

[MimiCupid82]

15 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Trust me haha, it's the same with women's profiles too. They're all adventurous, sassy, sarcastic, like the beach, love to travel, can beat you at Connect 4 and sarcasm blah blah blah blah etc. etc. Copy and paste. 

But I will seldom actually even bother reading through the summaries if the photos don't appeal to me. OLD is entirely image-driven. If you want success as a woman on OLD, you really need good photos. It's 95% of your profile's substance, as far as men are concerned.

Personal tips, 

1. Look as attractive as possible, obviously, with a good photo of your face with makeup

2. Have a good photo of you in tighter-fitting clothes -- either in an evening dress, form-fitting jeans, etc. (swimsuit photos are good if you look good in them, but not necessary)

3. Don't include group photos if you aren't the prettiest woman in the group

4. Don't have goofy-faced candid shots to "show your quirkiness" unless it's flattering or cute in an attractive way

5. Don't include an Instagram handle or link an Instagram page -- most men of value are keyed in to how self-absorbed and validation-seeking these women are and don't even bother

6. If dating is a numbers game, OLD multiplies those numbers many fold. Keep at it. 

Hope that helps. 

 

Interesting. The harsh reality of it all. It's an ongoing competition if you ask me. 

I agree with you on the instagram link, I don't think giving easy access to a social media profile is the smartest idea especially when meeting someone new online. I've never been the type of girl to seek validation with pictures. I already know that I'm an attractive woman and have always got comments from men on my profile pics. I don't feel 100%  comfortable with OLD but My friends convinced me that this was the best route to go in terms of meeting men. Like I've said before my Ex and I were friends for years before we dated so this is all new for me. thanks for the advice!

[rjc149]

25 minutes ago, MimiCupid82 said:

Interesting. The harsh reality of it all. It's an ongoing competition if you ask me. 

I agree with you on the instagram link, I don't think giving easy access to a social media profile is the smartest idea especially when meeting someone new online. I've never been the type of girl to seek validation with pictures. I already know that I'm an attractive woman and have always got comments from men on my profile pics. I don't feel 100%  comfortable with OLD but My friends convinced me that this was the best route to go in terms of meeting men. Like I've said before my Ex and I were friends for years before we dated so this is all new for me. thanks for the advice!

Well if you're attractive, then you'll need to sift through a lot more messages and go on a lot more bad dates. Not a bad problem to have, though. 

[MimiCupid82]

On 5/9/2020 at 8:11 PM, Ami1uwant said:

 

I have 25 yrs experience in online dating.

 

im assuming you are in mid to late 20s.

Today many around that age tend to be looks first. 

 

Back 15 yrs ago you tended to have less users but they were more serious searchers.  Now oh have slot more casual users who are more focused on hookups or finding peop,e out of their league or usual social group they otherwise wouldn’t meet that were more like fantasyland dreams than realty.

 

the other part of the problem...people are generally poor decision makers.  For example in shopping at a mall some need to go and see all that’s out there before making a purchase while others go and buy things that meet their minimum criteria.

 

some using dating sites sees all these people and falls for the grass is greener thing.  They are constantly looking for that perfect match who meets 95%+ of what they want and passing over the 80%+ people where had they met IRL and old style way they likely would have had a long lasting relationship.

of course sometimes if you make an effort and date 3 times or so and get to know someone you may nit feel it’s there or there are long term life differences like one wants kids and the other doesn’t, one has dreams of moving to X the other wants to stay where they are.

 

there is no secret sauce tofinding someone in OLD.  You will find the same ones on different dating sites.

 

some rules I have learned...

1 try and meet face to face at a neutral site asap

2 if you are open to long distant relationships and looking for peop,e 2-3 hrs or more away have an idea of what you are willing to do in terms of moving in these..you still want to meet as soon as you can but understand the relation coukd end for other reasons usually because one wants someone closer to them.

 

3 if you meet face to face and the date didn’t  go well because of nerves ( no crazy stuff) or went well but you might not have felt instant attraction, always give it more time and another date.  Numerous examples out there have relationships  that wouldn’t have happened based on date 1.

 

 

why haven’t you had success? Are you trying to date people out of your league? Are you screening people based on picture? 

 

If you are getting to first dates but no second dates...is there something in your behavior that’s turning them off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with you 100% in that most people are looking for someone who meets all of their desires and expectations but fail to put forth effort in meeting all of their potential partners expectations. But yes I try to meet face to face as soon as possible. Before I go out with a guy I always do a quick FaceTime for the initial introduction just be sure of what I am getting myself into. lol. The last guy I met in person was pretty charming and attractive, had all the physical qualities I like in men ( Tall, muscular, blonde hair, blue eyes) but in person he didn't seem super seriously into me. When I first began OLD I went out with a guy who actually lived not to far from me, we both actually went to the same high school here in Indianapolis but he graduated a few years before me so we never knew each other. We connected initially, went out to a restaurant, then had drinks afterwards. He invited me over to his place but I had a feeling  he was looking for a ONS and I wasn't trying to go that far, although I was really horny at the time. I didn't want to give the impression that I was super easy. We texted for a few weeks afterwards and actually had another date set up but he cancelled last minute and I didn't hear from him again. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by MimiCupid82

[MimiCupid82]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I don't think it's rude to cut it short because the person has misrepresented themselves. If someone is dishonest -- whether about their appearance or age or job or education or whatever -- that's not a good foundation for a relationship.  Why stick around?

Totally agree!

[OatsAndHall]

6 hours ago, miranda561 said:

😂 you cut it short because she was obese. 

At least stay the length.not just leave because she wasnt what you was expecting.

I dont think ive ever been that attracted to anyone on a first date through an online app but im never rude

 

I'm just not physically attracted to obese women. It's not just a slight turn off for me; it's a "biological" deal-breaker. There has to be some level of physical attraction for things to move forward and there was none with this women. There are plenty of guys who are into obese so she should have posted current pictures of herself and drawn their attention. She was a pleasant enough woman but posting pictures that are dated on an OLD site is taboo. Especially when they're so dated that you don't recognize the woman.

[MimiCupid82]

2 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

 

I'm just not physically attracted to obese women. It's not just a slight turn off for me; it's a "biological" deal-breaker. There has to be some level of physical attraction for things to move forward and there was none with this women. There are plenty of guys who are into obese so she should have posted current pictures of herself and drawn their attention. She was a pleasant enough woman but posting pictures that are dated on an OLD site is taboo. Especially when they're so dated that you don't recognize the woman.

Interested to know what men think is obese? What's too big? How much weight? I know some men appreciate curves while others want models and I'm sorry no offense but the majority of those model looking women look like stick figures. Im mixed race myself so I have some curves but im not fat. 

[Ami1uwant]

18 hours ago, MimiCupid82 said:

Interested to know what men think is obese? What's too big? How much weight? I know some men appreciate curves while others want models and I'm sorry no offense but the majority of those model looking women look like stick figures. Im mixed race myself so I have some curves but im not fat. 

 

For me personally...I felt throughout my life it takes more than looks alone for me to really develop attraction.  I can look at a woman and say she is hot but that alone doesn’t drive things. I know what jumps out to me as being cute is  not like what’s on a top 10 beauty list.

From what you described in your prior post too me it makes me wonder if you are trying to date “out of your league” where he may be a hit model guy but you aren’t a hit model gal from talking ang getting to know her.

its hard to describe what is too obese based on simple height and  weight because of different body sizes.  Then there is home much of a connection we had.  

From the prior response above.... if you go on a fist date and things might be slow or as you said you didn’t think he was interested in you.... you should still go in date 2 with him and see how he is after the first date jitters. Maybe there is something in what you are doing that’s affecting his response.

[OatsAndHall]

23 hours ago, MimiCupid82 said:

Interested to know what men think is obese? What's too big? How much weight? I know some men appreciate curves while others want models and I'm sorry no offense but the majority of those model looking women look like stick figures. Im mixed race myself so I have some curves but im not fat. 

 

What a guy defines as obese is going to be relative, I s'pose. I could toss out the body mass index of greater than 30 but that's not really a quality answer, lol.. I found Adele, pre-weight loss, to be quite attractive and curvy. However, I wouldn't find a woman much heavier than that attractive. I'll be honest; I've tried to date heavier women and, although they were nice gals and I couldn't maintain a physical attraction to them. I don't look down on them or judge them for being heavier but my libido just isn't there.

[miranda561]

On 5/12/2020 at 6:55 PM, MimiCupid82 said:

I agree with you 100% in that most people are looking for someone who meets all of their desires and expectations but fail to put forth effort in meeting all of their potential partners expectations. But yes I try to meet face to face as soon as possible. Before I go out with a guy I always do a quick FaceTime for the initial introduction just be sure of what I am getting myself into. lol. The last guy I met in person was pretty charming and attractive, had all the physical qualities I like in men ( Tall, muscular, blonde hair, blue eyes) but in person he didn't seem super seriously into me. When I first began OLD I went out with a guy who actually lived not to far from me, we both actually went to the same high school here in Indianapolis but he graduated a few years before me so we never knew each other. We connected initially, went out to a restaurant, then had drinks afterwards. He invited me over to his place but I had a feeling  he was looking for a ONS and I wasn't trying to go that far, although I was really horny at the time. I didn't want to give the impression that I was super easy. We texted for a few weeks afterwards and actually had another date set up but he cancelled last minute and I didn't hear from him again. 

One who cancelled wanted  a ons. Didnt want to put in effort into going on actual dates. 

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

For me personally...I felt throughout my life it takes more than looks alone for me to really develop attraction.  I can look at a woman and say she is hot but that alone doesn’t drive things. I know what jumps out to me as being cute is  not like what’s on a top 10 beauty list.

From what you described in your prior post too me it makes me wonder if you are trying to date “out of your league” where he may be a hit model guy but you aren’t a hit model gal from talking ang getting to know her.

its hard to describe what is too obese based on simple height and  weight because of different body sizes.  Then there is home much of a connection we had.  

From the prior response above.... if you go on a fist date and things might be slow or as you said you didn’t think he was interested in you.... you should still go in date 2 with him and see how he is after the first date jitters. Maybe there is something in what you are doing that’s affecting his response.

So what is it apart from looks which draws you to someone

[nospam99]

@mimicupid82. To answer your question about what men think, I'll give you my opinion. And I'll give it relative to my own body. In spite of being overweight as defined by the charts, I have a chin, a neck, and a waist. I don't have a 'muffintop' nor is there any fat on my arms or legs. The only visible flaw that I detect is that my abs are not visible i.e. no visible 'six pack' but a person probing my abdomen can easily feel solid muscle. I consider a woman meeting the same description to have an attractive body.

[SumGuy]

23 hours ago, MimiCupid82 said:

Interested to know what men think is obese? What's too big? How much weight? I know some men appreciate curves while others want models and I'm sorry no offense but the majority of those model looking women look like stick figures. Im mixed race myself so I have some curves but im not fat. 

I believe obese is a BMI of 30+ assuming you are not an athlete.   I prefer curves myself and never ever got how sub- dress size 8 women were considered the pinnacle.   

A BMI around 23-26 I find to be the most amazing on an in shape woman.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 5/11/2020 at 5:46 AM, miranda561 said:

Thats another thing i forgot to mention .. there is competition..another woman at every one second swipe. If you drop the ball at any time, there could potentially be a replacement very quickly.

When applying that  to my current situation ( on my thread) i can see why people  are saying the guy is most likely speaking to someone else.  Till you mentioned  it now i'd almost forgotten. 🤔

There could be but is she going to pay any attention to him? Or even answer him?

It's highly competitive for guys too, and a lot of work for them too. I don't think the average guy is dropping a promising connection for one instance of dropping the ball, unless he's an average not very smart guy or an average doesn't mind being alone again for another 6 months guy.

All you hear on relationship sites is how hard it is to get women to respond to their OLD approaches.

Edited May 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[poppyfields]

This looks thing is SOOOO subjective!

What’s good looking and attractive to one person may not necessarily be to another;  there just has to be that "somethin somthin" if you catch my drift.

Looks are definitely important, they may be the MOST important thing at first, otherwise you wouldn’t approach in the first place, BUT again, they are so subjective!

My boyfriend for example, many of my friends don’t find him all that attractive but when I met him, he just had this “something” (lookswise) that really appealed to me, he stood out among the rest, for ME.   Not sure what it was, it was just SOMETHING. 

I’ve met male models and actors, I have had EXTREMELY classically good looking men try to chat me up at bars or send me messages on line and I felt NOTHING.  100% truth.

I have no idea why, I just didn’t feel that PULL.   I am going just by looks now.

After that, there has to be an energy, a certain chemistry if you will, and I know for me I can feel immediately and HE can too.

Then we have to get on well.  Talk, laugh, flirt, tease, banter, have fun but also know how to be serious too.  

I know there is a lot of emphasis on the physical, there is no denying that it is SUPER important but it's different for everyone.  

Even what most people would consider "average" couples, to them might be HOT.  Because they each have that somethin somethin that appeals to the other person. 

 

Edited May 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 5/12/2020 at 8:15 AM, introverted1 said:

I don't think it's rude to cut it short because the person has misrepresented themselves. If someone is dishonest -- whether about their appearance or age or job or education or whatever -- that's not a good foundation for a relationship.  Why stick around?

I was thinking the same thing. I don't blame that poster.

[simpycurious]

There is NO manual, playbook, diagram or the like to follow when it comes to attraction.  Like many of the posters have referenced, it comes down to individual likes and dislikes. I have lived the whole body mass index deal and it's honestly not relative in my book due to different body types, heights, etc.  

[miranda561]

55 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

There could be but is she going to pay any attention to him? Or even answer him?

It's highly competitive for guys too, and a lot of work for them too. I don't think the average guy is dropping a promising connection for one instance of dropping the ball, unless he's an average not very smart guy or an average doesn't mind being alone again for another 6 months guy.

All you hear on relationship sites is how hard it is to get women to respond to their OLD approaches.

I hear that a lot too. But if the has a great career/good job and is fairly attractive he will easily find another

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, miranda561 said:

So what is it apart from looks which draws you to someone

 

Personality, interests, how we converse and does it flow.  

In non OLD meets— it was rare I’d have random meets like at a bar and exchange numbers or meeting people elsewhere. It was usually take 3 or so meets then I’d ask for a number and we’d date.  If I met someone that was very. Random I’d ask for a number.  In my mid 20s while in grad school I had other jobs so I may meet a coworker but we weren’t always working the same shift so it may have taken a few overlapping shifts and time to talk.

 

OLD was different because you knew going in this person wanted to date so there wasn’t a need for those feelers to find out if theee was interest.  I had many first dates that seemed to go well but nothing happened after. I think part of it was because they may have wanted that perfect match or they were dating others and made judgement after date 1 on who to pick.

 

i got many multiple dates to learn about them.  I had some weird stuff. I also had a couple ltrs.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

23 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

I hear that a lot too. But if the has a great career/good job and is fairly attractive he will easily find another

Well, sure. But he has to go through the process again - he's found "another" but is she a catfish? Or real? Is she sane? Has she ever boiled a bunny on someone else's stove? Will she giggle on the first date and say she loves it when a man buys her jewelry, hence angering him to the point of an anurism and hospitalization then and there and instead of being nice and picking up the restaurant check...I mean since an artery just burst in her date's brain...she mails it to him? With "tip" circled so he doesn't forget to add that too?

Is she as tall or short as she says she is? Is she really just "the attorney" at that pornmaking place? How many very big, easily angered brothers does she have? Is she...

Oh god no..

No...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Is she...overweight?

(shrieks of horror come from absolutely EVERYWHERE right now. Not that, NOT FRIGGIN' THAT. Next thing you know we're going to hear this woman is GETTING OLDER THAN SHE WAS A YEAR AGO)

Yes, some men and some women will swipe on over to the next person, especially at the very beginning, and so should you. But if you're talking about having already been on some dates, and you miss the boat on ONE tiny thing...like, you were going to call right after work but you call at 7 instead of 6 or something...and he drops you like a bad habit then...so what if you've lost him?

Edited May 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

Personality, interests, how we converse and does it flow.  

Or maybe it's none of those things. Frankly I don't think "common interests" mean a hill of beans.

And a pleasing personality is nice too but it does not create sexual or emotional attraction.  

If you're looking to make a friend, sure, but romance?  Chemistry, mutual mental and physical energy? 

Those things are intangible, they can't be defined nor forced or manufactured.

Edited May 13, 2020 by poppyfields