Forgive an ex that you have to see everyday

[Mike871]

I would like to know how and if it’s possible to forgive an ex that you work with.

A little background

I was in a two-year relationship I met her at our work place we are colleagues. My ex-girlfriend broke off with me one week before Christmas. She then got back together with me in January and gave me false hope she had other agendas in this time in relation to getting her place sorted out. We lived together and were going to take the next step to marriage.

We broke off finally 1 week before our anniversary which would have been Feburary 14th

The following week I saw her getting into a parked car with another man outside of our office. She is now in a relationship with this person.

I have now had three months for self-reflection. I have improved in many ways and have accepted what has happened. I am also pretty sure like 99% sure she was monkey branching to this other guy.  At the very best it was emotional cheating but could have been more. I am also pretty sure she got cold feet – grass is greener syndrome. Having had the time to reflect on the past I have come to this conclusion. The guy she is dating is younger and the polar opposite. As I am ready to settle down with marriage he’s a party boy.

Due to coronavirus we are all working from home. Our business is office based usually. We all work on the same floor in small office. We have to work closely on projects to deliver to our targets. Since we have broken off my ex blocked me on whatsapp. I have been professional and I have delivered one big project with her already. I have done this completely though Direct messaging and emails and I have only talked about work. The project was delivered on time and successful. I have recently been unblocked (Unsure why) I am still in no contact as for the best.

I don’t see how we could ever be friends again but I believe in the future she would want to be friends as she has said she’s friends with all of her exes. I don’t know how to forgive her for what she has done. I invested so much time in those two years and I was just thrown away by her but also her entire family like yesterday’s newspaper. I guess my question is when were all able to go back into the office I am completely unsure how to behave and what to say to her especially if she starts probing and asking personal questions out of guilt or pure interest. I am also unsure how to forgive for such betrayal is it even possible? Obviously it won’t be easy as I will have to see her every day at work. Any advice is highly appreciated.

PS When I say forgive, I don’t mean get back together I mean forgive and forget as shes an ex.

 

 

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, Mike871 said:

I would like to know how and if it’s possible to forgive an ex that you work with.

A little background

I was in a two-year relationship I met her at our work place we are colleagues. My ex-girlfriend broke off with me one week before Christmas. She then got back together with me in January and gave me false hope she had other agendas in this time in relation to getting her place sorted out. We lived together and were going to take the next step to marriage.

We broke off finally 1 week before our anniversary which would have been Feburary 14th

The good thing is it’s better now than later

The following week I saw her getting into a parked car with another man outside of our office. She is now in a relationship with this person.

I have now had three months for self-reflection. I have improved in many ways and have accepted what has happened. I am also pretty sure like 99% sure she was monkey branching to this other guy.  At the very best it was emotional cheating but could have been more. I am also pretty sure she got cold feet – grass is greener syndrome. Having had the time to reflect on the past I have come to this conclusion. The guy she is dating is younger and the polar opposite. As I am ready to settle down with marriage he’s a party boy.

Your instincts are probably correct. They tend to monkey branch versus just leave. The good thing is you’re better off. You aren’t losing much here.

Due to coronavirus we are all working from home. Our business is office based usually. We all work on the same floor in small office. We have to work closely on projects to deliver to our targets. Since we have broken off my ex blocked me on whatsapp. I have been professional and I have delivered one big project with her already. I have done this completely though Direct messaging and emails and I have only talked about work. The project was delivered on time and successful. I have recently been unblocked (Unsure why) I am still in no contact as for the best.

You should block her. No need for any needless contact. NC is up to you not her.

I don’t see how we could ever be friends again but I believe in the future she would want to be friends as she has said she’s friends with all of her exes. I don’t know how to forgive her for what she has done. I invested so much time in those two years and I was just thrown away by her but also her entire family like yesterday’s newspaper. I guess my question is when were all able to go back into the office I am completely unsure how to behave and what to say to her especially if she starts probing and asking personal questions out of guilt or pure interest. I am also unsure how to forgive for such betrayal is it even possible? Obviously it won’t be easy as I will have to see her every day at work. Any advice is highly appreciated.

The lets be friends game is all for her not you. Most pull this. Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. She’s not friend material.

PS When I say forgive, I don’t mean get back together I mean forgive and forget as shes an ex.

 

 

It sounds like you’ve handled it well. You are correct. Forgiveness means they just don’t matter anymore.

Keep it professional only. Never go out of your way for any unnecessary contact or accept any from her. This is why it’s important to fully block her on everything except work related issues.

Civil but distant. She basically dumped you for someone else. Why would you want that back? I get the heart wants what the heart wants but use your brain here.

No contact and time is your only good path.

Edited May 9, 2020 by Marc878

[schlumpy]

If it's about work you talk.

Maybe a good morning and have a good evening.

Anything else is verboten.

Don't eat lunch at the same time. Stagger your breaks so you don't run into her in the breakroom. Don't accede to coffee requests. 

Block on all social media.

After a couple of frosty responses she will leave you alone.

Keep this up until indifference sets in and then you are safe.

[ShyViolet]

You don't need to "forgive" her, you just need to leave it in the past and move on.  Only time can do that.  I highly doubt you will be friends with her again... why would you even want to?  Just only talk to her when you have to, for work, and as others have said, keep it very professional and minimal.  Don't engage in any extra talk about anything except work.  Be very cold and matter-of-fact. it will get easier. 

[preraph]

I think you are doing well just taking care of business and being polite and professional but that you should decline any offers to chit chat with her about personal things or any offers of friendship and just tell her no, you want to keep it strictly business.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Mike871 said:

I don’t see how we could ever be friends again but I believe in the future she would want to be friends as she has said she’s friends with all of her exes. I don’t know how to forgive her for what she has done. I invested so much time in those two years and I was just thrown away by her but also her entire family like yesterday’s newspaper. I guess my question is when were all able to go back into the office I am completely unsure how to behave and what to say to her especially if she starts probing and asking personal questions out of guilt or pure interest. I am also unsure how to forgive for such betrayal is it even possible? Obviously it won’t be easy as I will have to see her every day at work. Any advice is highly appreciated.

This isn't something you really need to worry about right now. She might want to be friendly, she might not. Cross that bridge if you come to it. What she wants is irrelevant in terms of doing what's best for you, too. 

I also don't think you need to forgive her, as such. I don't mean that you need to hang on to the hurt but I also don't see any reason to try to force yourself to absolve her of the hurt she's caused you. Remain professional when you see her at work. If she tries to engage you in personal chat, tell her you wish to keep all interaction work-related. Set a boundary for yourself. It's not your problem if she doesn't like it. 

[The Outlaw]

16 hours ago, Mike871 said:

I don’t see how we could ever be friends again but I believe in the future she would want to be friends as she has said she’s friends with all of her exes.

Nor do I. But try forgive her anyway. Much better than holding onto things. And it's ultimately more about you than it is her. You've packed up, hit the road and you've just moved on. It always bites but she just wasn't for you. 

[FMW]

16 hours ago, Mike871 said:

I mean forgive and forget as shes an ex.

I'm not sure forgive is the word I would use, but for your own sake don't actively hold the past against her, don't waste energy on continuing to think about it when she's not around.  But most definitely don't forget when it comes to dealing with her directly.  Remembering how she hurt you will make sure you don't put yourself in a position to let her do it again. 

Do what you need to do business-wise.  Continue as you have been, be professional and only discuss work.  If she ever tries to take the conversation to something more personal, don't go there, even for a moment.  Immediately say you need to get back to work and end the conversation.  Don't stick around long enough for her to "probe".    

[Mike871]

Thank you for all the replies. I think working from home has helped my recovery in a way. I am just concerned about going back into the office and I dont want it to be awkward for anyone. I have kept it professional and I was pleased that we were able to deliver a project on time. As we are a small office we typically have to for example have one on one meetings so it will be me and her only on occasion.

I am a senior manager in my workplace. In our senior meeting we were discussing reopening up the office. The managing director's reasoning was to give employees the option to go into the office if they are not coping well working from home. As we've been having one on one meetings with HR to see whos coping well and who isnt 'mental health' was the term used. Several names were bought up and to my suprise my ex's name was mentioned. Obviously its none of my business but you get to hear these things in our meetings so there isnt any escape sometimes.

[Gr8fuln2020]

28 minutes ago, Mike871 said:

Thank you for all the replies. I think working from home has helped my recovery in a way. I am just concerned about going back into the office and I dont want it to be awkward for anyone. I have kept it professional and I was pleased that we were able to deliver a project on time. As we are a small office we typically have to for example have one on one meetings so it will be me and her only on occasion.

I am a senior manager in my workplace. In our senior meeting we were discussing reopening up the office. The managing director's reasoning was to give employees the option to go into the office if they are not coping well working from home. As we've been having one on one meetings with HR to see whos coping well and who isnt 'mental health' was the term used. Several names were bought up and to my suprise my ex's name was mentioned. Obviously its none of my business but you get to hear these things in our meetings so there isnt any escape sometimes.

Not sure why you all are discussing the mental health of anyone  during your meetings. There are laws that make things pretty clear how and what to discuss regarding the health of anyone. 

The bigger question is are YOU ready to head back? As others have said, BUSINESS ONLY. No need to intentionally socialize with her. I am assuming everyone in the office knows. So, what is (are) your options? Do your job and be professional about it or let her treachery consume you and you lose your cool...and job. There is no way you can be friends with her...would you want to a friend capable of what she did? 

[Mike871]

Hey its been four months since my ex left me for someone else. I am much happier now. You think that thier relationship will be much better than the one they had with you and the person they leave you for will be superior in everyway. In my personal situation I know that isnt true. The unblocking wasnt by chance I suspect she wants me to reach out. My ex and her new partner have split up now. The relationship was under pressure from lockdown - The relationship they had was built with the wrong foundations. I have not been purposefully finding this out or checking but I have learnt this as a mutual friend told me. I am still improving myself and we are still in no contact and its for the best. As we work together and we have regular group web calls I can sense that my ex does not appear to be any happier without me in her life but this is only an assumption.