I have toxic traits but don't want to leave my relationship.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Hi. I haven't posted in some time. This post focuses on me and not  so much my boyfriend who I usually post about.

I'm 33. He's 47. Together for 2 years, my longest relationship. 

My boyfriend and I are still going strong but after a misunderstanding last night I've been faced with realization about myself. Some things I've already known and others are things that I didn't really see.

I'm defensive, sensitive, irritate easily, stress out easily, overthink, selfish (withholding emotional support if I dont think it's needed), negative in thinking,  lack confidence and I'm closed off to people.  I also worry what others think about me too much. 

These traits of mine I'm starting to realize are holding me back and are points of contention in my relationship and have also affected my parenting and have  helped to shaped who my teen is today. My boyfriend is pretty patient and doesn't want to leave me. He sees a future with me and I want to be with him but I just dont know if I can change my ways.

He says everytime I come to see him I look upset and pissed off and its like I love being this way. I never come to him laughing, smiling or telling him positive things. I agree I'm this way. He's an outgoing guy not afraid to speak his mind and although he's usually right in what he speaks the fowardness of it all just shifts my mood. If he raises his voice that affects my mood instantly. 

I do feel the universe puts people in your life for a reason and I feel that my boyfriend is my wake up call is the one here to make me face what I've been denying.

With these traits I'm thinking maybe it's best to not be in a relationship and instead seek out counseling and work on myself. I don't want to leave him but I don't want to hurt him either with my ways. He's still with me even having to deal with my teen who can be pretty rude at times.

In my head I keep thinking what if he meets someone opposite of me and leaves me because he's tired of my drama as he calls it. It would hurt me and I'll just dive deeper into those traits. 

One thing about my boyfriend is if I tell him how his behaviors affect me he will work on changing them. I on the other hand don't do the same.

Edited May 10, 2020 by ItsAllConfusing

[ShyViolet]

Why do you think you need to be single to get into counseling/therapy?  It's not an either-or.  Why don't you start counseling as soon as possible, while staying in your relationship (if you truly do want to stay in it)

It's good that you at least identify and admit that you have issues about yourself that you want to work on.  That's the first step.  You can work on these things.

[spiritedaway2003]

He is your boyfriend for a reason...he likes you and cares about you.

If you recognize that you have traits that would likely sabotage your relationships, you can work on them.  If it is, in fact, your fault that caused the misunderstanding, then apologize for it. If you want to be with him, stay and work together.  It seems that your boyfriend is open to working through things with you.  Couples argue and have disagreements.  It's normal. 

If you don't want to be with him and want to be single for a bit, that's your choice too.  I agree that it doesn't have to be one or the other, right now.

Edited May 11, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Wave Rider]

On 5/10/2020 at 1:15 PM, ItsAllConfusing said:

I'm defensive, sensitive, irritate easily, stress out easily, overthink, selfish (withholding emotional support if I dont think it's needed), negative in thinking,  lack confidence and I'm closed off to people.  I also worry what others think about me too much. 

At this moment you are probably my favorite person on loveshack forums right now.  You are every dissatisfied romantic partner's dream: someone who admits their flaws, owns their shortcomings, and acknowledges that they are the cause of most of the problems in the relationship. 

This rarely happens.  Which is why I think you're awesome and there's a lot of hope for your relationship.  

Usually it's the other way around - one person sees the other's flaws and tries to push them to change, but they don't want to change. 

I'm actually really interested in hearing why you think you can't change.