My girlfriend left me

[Silver_star]

Sorry for the pain you are going through. You need to look at relationships as a two way street, and she is not giving as much as she was willing to take. 
If they are not 100% in it with you, there is nothing you can do to change their mind. They need to want this as much as you do despite having a past, they need to be ready to leave that past behind and be happy it is behind them, and it doesn't matter if you come in and gift her, and woo her with words and are better than her ex...if her mind and heart isn't giving her the full go ahead to proceed its because her ex is still occupying that space. Even if she knows logically he was not a great guy..she still has feelings tied to him and she has to work through that on her own.

[Lowkey7]

Is there no chance I can fix this then? Because I want to be with her so bad. I almost died the day after Christmas after a horrific accident on the motorway whilst on my way to see. I broke my arm in 4 places and had to get surgery. Broke my ribs, punctured head and internal bleeding all over my left leg and abdominal area. It could have been and should have been a lot worse. 
 

I have permanent scaring on both sides of my right arm, and I don’t know how I can live with seeing that every day for the rest of my life knowing it happened whilst I was on my way to see her. 

Edited May 11, 2020 by Lowkey7

[manfrombelow]

24 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said:

Is there no chance I can fix this then? Because I want to be with her so bad. I almost died the day after Christmas after a horrific accident on the motorway whilst on my way to see. I broke my arm in 4 places and had to get surgery. Broke my ribs, punctured head and internal bleeding all over my left leg and abdominal area. It could have been and should have been a lot worse. 
 

I have permanent scaring on both sides of my right arm, and I don’t know how I can live with seeing that every day for the rest of my life knowing it happened whilst I was on my way to see her. 

It doesn't matter how badly you want to be with her, because right now, she does not want to be with you.

Please think deep and hard about this: Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore?

Pain makes men. You'll grow from this and become a much better and improved version of yourself. Goodluck.

[Lowkey7]

18 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

It doesn't matter how badly you want to be with her, because right now, she does not want to be with you.

Please think deep and hard about this: Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore?

Pain makes men. You'll grow from this and become a much better and improved version of yourself. Goodluck.

Surely feelings don’t change over night? I know for a fact she loved me. She’s been to my house, met my family, we were planning on getting married next year and starting a family together. 

[LynneVicious]

We’re you seeing her in the process of her separating from her husband? If so, the onus is on you. Don’t ever ever begin a relationship with someone who still has unresolved feelings for their past boyfriend. It usually always ends like this. 

[Lowkey7]

4 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

We’re you seeing her in the process of her separating from her husband? If so, the onus is on you. Don’t ever ever begin a relationship with someone who still has unresolved feelings for their past boyfriend. It usually always ends like this. 

She was separated from him for about 6 months, living back with her parents. I was only the picture when the divorce was being finalised and once everything was more or less done and dusted. 

[LynneVicious]

Just now, Lowkey7 said:

She was separated from him for about 6 months, living back with her parents. I was only the picture when the divorce was being finalised and once everything was more or less done and dusted. 

Whatever the case may be, she doesn’t want to be with you now, because of her unresolved feelings for her ex. Or maybe she doesn’t want to be with you. Cause her feelings changed. 
 

Either way, she does. It want to be with you! It’s nothing you can fix. Because if she doesn’t want to fix it, then it’s done. Stop trying to micromanage every thing she’s said and done. She’s done. It’s over. You will heal and move on, but first you have to accept it. 
 

You can either be stuck in denial and not move forward or accept it and begin your healing process. 

[Lowkey7]

8 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Whatever the case may be, she doesn’t want to be with you now, because of her unresolved feelings for her ex. Or maybe she doesn’t want to be with you. Cause her feelings changed. 
 

Either way, she does. It want to be with you! It’s nothing you can fix. Because if she doesn’t want to fix it, then it’s done. Stop trying to micromanage every thing she’s said and done. She’s done. It’s over. You will heal and move on, but first you have to accept it. 
 

You can either be stuck in denial and not move forward or accept it and begin your healing process. 

I just can’t do it. Do you think it’s worth going to see her? It’s been 8 weeks since we seen each other because of lock down.

[smackie9]

32 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said:

Surely feelings don’t change over night? I know for a fact she loved me. She’s been to my house, met my family, we were planning on getting married next year and starting a family together. 

This is the honeymoon (infatuation) stage, where people do and say things like that...talk of marriage, etc is just that, talk and should never be taken as a promise. Rushing into it made her blind, and then it all came to reality that it's not what she wants. She's not ready for this, she barely knows you, she snapped out of this dream. Let her go. If she comes back it was meant to be, if not, you have a chance to find someone who really wants to settle down with you.

[Lowkey7]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is the honeymoon (infatuation) stage, where people do and say things like that...talk of marriage, etc is just that, talk and should never be taken as a promise. Rushing into it made her blind, and then it all came to reality that it's not what she wants. She's not ready for this, she barely knows you, she snapped out of this dream. Let her go. If she comes back it was meant to be, if not, you have a chance to find someone who really wants to settle down with you.

Why do I feel like I can’t let her go? I’ve invested too much time, effort and tolerated so much to just let it slip away like this. 

[Silver_star]

That's your ego. It's just the amount of energy YOU have invested in this and the amount that you cared about her by "tolerating" things that you know you shouldn't..I think you are  trying to find some rationale for keeping things the way they were even though they were not equal or ideal for you. Why are you holding on? That is the real question you should be asking yourself. 

You feel you can't let go because of your attachment to her,  but think about it this way...if she called you up right now and said Okay I love you more now and not my ex...would that be the end of discussion? Would you be at peace with that knowing that she has not truly dealt with things, and that tomorrow her feelings may waver again? You deserve more than that. 

 

[Lowkey7]

15 minutes ago, Silver_star said:

That's your ego. It's just the amount of energy YOU have invested in this and the amount that you cared about her by "tolerating" things that you know you shouldn't..I think you are  trying to find some rationale for keeping things the way they were even though they were not equal or ideal for you. Why are you holding on? That is the real question you should be asking yourself. 

You feel you can't let go because of your attachment to her,  but think about it this way...if she called you up right now and said Okay I love you more now and not my ex...would that be the end of discussion? Would you be at peace with that knowing that she has not truly dealt with things, and that tomorrow her feelings may waver again? You deserve more than that. 

 

I don’t want to sound annoying but what if I don’t want more than that? 

[LynneVicious]

42 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said:

I don’t want to sound annoying but what if I don’t want more than that? 

Then you have an issue with low self esteem as well. Look, there are millions of people who go through break ups every day. It’s either you hold your head up high and grieve and heal, or you do the “pick me” dance, look weak, pawn over her, push her away even more and don’t move on. 

Go through the grieving and healing process even if you don’t want to. Have some integrity and grow and learn from this. 

[Silver_star]

If you don't want more than a one sided relationship then I think you need to do some self work, maybe even talk to a therapist and explore why you have poor self esteem and why you don't think you deserve someone who is 100% invested in a relationship with you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can't let go for the same reason that you stayed with her despite her telling you she was thinking of someone else: you apparently attach to unhealthy situations. 

[assertives]

6 hours ago, Lowkey7 said:

I don’t want to sound annoying but what if I don’t want more than that? 

Then you'll keep finding yourself in this same situation or similar situations. But I think this is just your pain talking though. I do think you want more because when she told you she isn't over her husband:

On 5/11/2020 at 4:49 AM, Lowkey7 said:

if I wasn’t in her life at the time of the divorce, she would have been able to think properly and may be have given him a chance.

and you said to her:

On 5/11/2020 at 4:49 AM, Lowkey7 said:

I was so stupid and childish to tell her to go back to her ex husband and I instantly regretted it, it was in the heat of the moment.

Although I would say there are better ways to word or handle this, it wasn't necessarily stupid or childish to me. Your feelings matter too in a relationship, and it isn't right for her to take what she could use out of you. I do think she realises this and hence is coming clean with you about her unresolved issues and feelings for her husband and is wanting space to figure out her own s***.

I know you can't see this now, but it's actually a good thing that this argument came to light now, so both of you can really see this relationship for what it is. Rather than being further along several years or even with marriage and kids and she has an existential crisis because she's never probably processed/grieve/close the chapter with her husband. It'll hurt much more then and more messy to resolve. 

The only thing you can really do now is to give her the space she wants and respect her decision. Which may well be your last act of love towards her. Use this time to reflect and heal and move on.

[Lowkey7]

It seems impossible right now.. I’m so broken and I can’t sleep, can’t stop crying, I’m so damaged from this that I can’t even put it in words. 
 

she did message me yesterday to apologise and on point said she deserves better? 
 

she’s judging me off one argument we had, our relationship was 99% good and happy and that 1% horrible but that was only cause of her past. Why is focused on that 1% and ignoring all the good? I can’t begin to tell you well I treated her and how I never said anything to her ever

[Realitysux]

47 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said:

It seems impossible right now.. I’m so broken and I can’t sleep, can’t stop crying, I’m so damaged from this that I can’t even put it in words. 
 

she did message me yesterday to apologise and on point said she deserves better? 
 

she’s judging me off one argument we had, our relationship was 99% good and happy and that 1% horrible but that was only cause of her past. Why is focused on that 1% and ignoring all the good? I can’t begin to tell you well I treated her and how I never said anything to her ever

She doesn't sound that great. Keep it on here and you will be fine.

[Lotsgoingon]

You didn't ruin this my friend ... Her interest in her ex was something going on with her. 

The argument was a result of the deteriorating relationship ... not the cause. Man, you are pretty stuck. 

 

[assertives]

That's because the 99% good was only good to you. To you, you were emotionally available and it was a real relationship for you. To her, it wasn't real. It was a nice distraction and a healing balm from the breakdown of her marriage. She hasn't moved on from her hubs yet and probably did not have the capacity to engage in another commited relationship. It doesn't matter how well you treated her, she just wasn't ready and hasn't fully processed and properly grieve the end of that chapter of her life. It's not you, it's her.

Give it some time, it's only been a few days, so you are understandably still in shock and the pain is still fresh.

[Lowkey7]

Do break ups like this eventually fix itself within time? Despite everything, all the horrible things she said, is there a slight chance we could mend our relationship? 

[assertives]

I don't think it really matters if she's done and not willing to try again. She's made some pretty final statements and taken some pretty final actions when it relates to you two. But what's even more glaring to me, is that she's finally honest to herself regarding her feelings/unfinished business over her marriage and that chapter of her life. It's best to leave her be to sort out her own issues. It's not something you can help her with nor should you even try. You can't will, beg, manipulate, guilt-trip or even love-bomb her into wanting a relationship with you again. She needs to make the decision on her own.

Edited May 12, 2020 by assertives

[Lowkey7]

1 hour ago, assertives said:

I don't think it really matters if she's done and not willing to try again. She's made some pretty final statements and taken some pretty final actions when it relates to you two. But what's even more glaring to me, is that she's finally honest to herself regarding her feelings/unfinished business over her marriage and that chapter of her life. It's best to leave her be to sort out her own issues. It's not something you can help her with nor should you even try. You can't will, beg, manipulate, guilt-trip or even love-bomb her into wanting a relationship with you again. She needs to make the decision on her own.

She never specifically said she wants him back though  She would always it hurts for me to even mention knowing how bad the guy and her family mistreated her. 

[Realitysux]

1 hour ago, Lowkey7 said:

She never specifically said she wants him back though  She would always it hurts for me to even mention knowing how bad the guy and her family mistreated her. 

You are not being kind to her either by not leaving this alone 

[assertives]

53 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said:

She never specifically said she wants him back though  She would always it hurts for me to even mention knowing how bad the guy and her family mistreated her. 

She kinda did though.

On 5/11/2020 at 4:49 AM, Lowkey7 said:

It first started with her asking for space and saying that if I wasn’t in her life at the time of the divorce, she would have been able to think properly and may be have given him a chance.

If you were what she wanted, she wouldn't have said this. Obviously, she was thinking of giving him a chance otherwise she wouldn't have even asked for space or tell you that she hasn't had the chance to think properly. My guess is your relationship was a distraction that allowed her to avoid dealing with the emotions and reality that came with the ending of a marriage. With what's going on around the world, with no one to see and nowhere to go, the distraction is gone, and she's probably had time to sit down and think and realises she's never properly processed what she truly wanted wrt the husband and their marriage. This is something she needs to do on her own, for herself anyway, regardless if she ends up with him, you or neither of you. Which is why people often do not recommend dating someone so fresh out of a divorce. Your ex's divorce hasn't even been finalized yet.

You need to give her the space to process this, she has asked for space precisely because she realised she has unfinished business and perhaps even feelings with her husband and that she was not as committed as you were in the relationship because her heart and mind is probably still in a mess.