Jaydab122 Posted May 10, 2020 Share Posted May 10, 2020 Hi guys, me and my boyfriend are in a semi long distance relationship. We’re about 2-3 hours away from each other and we dated for about 9 months and he officially asked me to be his gf in December so in a relationship going on 5 months. But since the beginning I noticed we argue a lot and have really opposite opinions about multiple topics which is fine I guess. My most recent issue and problem is that I feel like he doesn’t really pay attention to things I like or am interested in. I’m the kinda girl hat loves romantic, sweet and thoughtful gestures or surprises, including gifts. I’d always throw hints about flowers or love letters I just feel like he was never catching it even now he claims that he’s always paying attention. I’d definitely spoil him and do the same for someone I love. Also, as of recently during a heated argument he told me that I always tell him I did “nothing” for the entire day and throwing in my face about how I’m not working or doing absolutely anything. I’ve only been jobless for about 3 months following the pandemic which hasn’t allowed me to do much and my mom had surgery. I thought it was so rude and unfair for him to throw in my face that I’m not being productive to reach my goals or make money ( which isn’t true ) and I always tell him about my day what I did even if it’s the little things. So I’m very confused. I’m currently walking away from the relationship but could it be saved? Btw, this is only one or two arguments we’ve had, there’s so much more 🤦🏾♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 @Jaydab122 - Hey, sorry for your pain and heartache. There's a lot to potentially unpack here. It would be useful to get a little more clarity on your relationship and your arguments. In the first 3-6 months there should be very few disagreements in the so-called "honey moon phase". Even if you were casual for 9 months before becoming "official", having a lot of arguments is never good, but especially at 5 months of "official" status it's not a great sign. Now that doesn't mean I'm advocating you end things here (though I'll be honest, as a guy, I'm advocating you need to take serious steps here that he needs to follow or you should end it), but there's a number of potential red flags that need to be addressed. Again, having a bit more information would be helpful. So for now, a few thoughts: It sounds like he's got very little empathy. For example, has he asked you how your feeling, offered to help, or done/said things to encourage you since you lost your job? Cause if all he's doing is complaining how your "wasting your time"...even if true, which I'm not saying it is, would be rude and show a lack of empathy. I do not believe you can solely rely on things like attachment styles, personality type tests, love languages, astrological signs, etc. when it comes to dating (or any relationship for that matter). But they can offer a way to view things and understand how to behave and how to view/understand another person's behavior. It sounds like he's not speaking your love language. What people don't really read enough about on that topic is that yes, we may be a language or two we place the highest value on when it comes to receiving love (being shown love)...we also tend to show/speak love in only one or two languages. Or we may consciously show love in one or two languages and do it in other languages just by being who we are. If you haven't talked to him about how you want to be shown love and affection and that he cares, you need to do so. But you also have to ask yourself - does he have the capacity to learn and to grow. Because that's important from the 6 month to 36, 48 months mark and/or until things get "legally official"...lol Just a few things to think/contemplate on. More information from you may help us diagnose and offer better solutions OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaydab122 Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 @scooby-philly Your message was everything I could’ve asked for and more! I really appreciate it! I will be taking all of this into consideration and make some decisions. So many other negative discussions between us have taken place and it can be a lot to bare so I try to move forward and not dwell although some things stick and still hurt. But the advice was very much needed for my current situation! Feeling a bit more at ease. I was very lost, so thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 No thanks necessary - that's why we're all here - giving or receiving support. As I said, a little more information from you might help us provide even better feedback...but that's up to you and what you're comfortable sharing and our how much detail you need from the likes of us to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 I'm not sure how I feel about your complaint that he didn't oblige your requests for gifts and flowers and to be "spoiled". I don't think it's that he wasn't "paying attention", maybe he just didn't appreciate that you were asking for material things. It seems a little materialistic and, I dunno, pushy? Especially in a relationship of only a few months. If I was dating someone who told me that they wanted me to get them gifts, I'd be heading for the door. That would be a turn-off. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaydab122 Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 @ShyViolet thank you for the advice! But this was maybe after 8 months of dating and only going on about 2 dates within that time frame. In the beginning I only made it known I like flowers and thought maybe that would’ve been nice since he had planned on asking me to be his gf. But fast forward to a 1 year and 5 months I’m just wondering if he thinks of thoughtful gifts without me initially saying anything. Link to post Share on other sites
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