I feel numb

[keye]

May be a bit long but please bear with me.

 

I'm an 18-year-old girl who's been friends - at times, best friends - with a guy for seven years (let's call him Matt). We've always been close and had sexual chemistry - we've been hooking up on and off for years and have never gotten together due to timing (we've liked one another at different periods in our lives) as well as the fact that we've probably just been friends for too darn long.

 

This year, the hook-ups became more regular (both single and completely unattached to anyone), and I lost my virginity to him in May (he wasn't a virgin). The sex has been awesome and regular (once or twice a week) up until now - and while it's brought us closer in many ways (we've been hanging out, in AND out of the bedroom, more than we have for years), it's also ****ed up our friendship in that we've lost the side to us in which we can be completely honest with one another.

 

Although the silent agreement was that we are, yes, casual sex partners/friends with benefits/**** friends/whatever you wanna call it, we made the mistake of never actually discussing where we stood with one another. If one of us hooks up with someone else, do we talk about it? If one of us starts having feelings for someone else, do we talk about it? We have just completely ignored any possibility of this happening for the past five months.

 

And somewhere along the way, I realised my feelings for him again, but stupidly, kept having sex with him rather than ending it there and then before I got in too deep. The difficult part for me was, he is my friend first and foremost and therefore it would've been hell to try and not see him any more as I enjoy his company. So I just kept seeing him and having sex with him, all the while trying to convince myself that my feelings would pass.

 

But, no. They didn't.

 

Recently, I started feeling that something was wrong because it had been like, two weeks and Matt hadn't called me (he usually calls at least once a week) to meet up. I felt like there was someone else in the picture and he'd started to feel guilty and therefore couldn't stand seeing me. The only other possibility for this lack of contact was that because Matt is going overseas in November for two months, perhaps he was just trying to make it easier on both of us by decreasing contact? We had sex a week and a half ago for the last time.

 

Yesterday, Matt and I were on the phone, just chatting away as per usual, when he brought up what would happen if he went overseas for two months and came back and I had a boyfriend - what would happen to us then? This shocked the hell out of me, as this is the first serious conversation we've had about us and our situation since we started having sex way back in May. I told him that I don't think that we could ever go back to being friends the way we used to be before the sex happened because it would just be too weird, and he was adamant that we could, that he enjoyed hanging out and spending time with me just as much as the sex.

 

It seemed so weird that for someone who doesn't express their emotions much, Matt had decided to approach this topic five months after we'd started having sex and one month before he's due to go overseas. I asked him if he had something to tell me (perhaps someone else was in the picture?), and he insisted that he didn't and there was no reason for the topic to be brought up; it was something that had simply crossed his mind. I probed him further and he still denied that anything was out of the ordinary - finally, he came out with, "Actually, the reason I brought that stuff up is because I think I like this girl from uni." I was like, "Awesome." He told me that he'd been with her once (I don't know what this involves exactly), and it was the same week that we'd had sex for the last time (I think he would've been with her on the Tuesday - we had sex on the Thursday two days later). It was awkward because I was in shock (of having my suspicions confirmed, go figure) and he is just a baby that can't deal with things; then he said, "Anyway, gonna go to Nick's (a friend's) now. I'll talk to you later."

 

He left me there, my entire body numb, my heart hurting. This morning he called for a chat and seems to be under the impression that we can just *click* go back to being friends the way we were before the sex came into it, but I can't get over it. I don't want to lose him as my friend because I love him to death and he's been a part of my life for so long, but at the same time, how does one go back to being JUST friends with someone they're in love with and someone they've been sleeping with for months? I don't think I would be able to hang around him and his new girl (should anything develop between them) without wanting to die. He's having a massive going-away night out in a couple of weeks and I don't even know if I'll be able to make it - how would I be able to watch those two be all over one another? The thought makes me ill.

 

I'm also disappointed at the way he left me last night. Drops the bombshell on me and then bails. No, we didn't technically owe anything to one another because we were FWB, but he couldn't even check to see if I was alright? I'm not a robot. Technicalities or not, people can still be hurt. As a friend before everything, I thought that he would owe me a bit more than that. At the same time, he's never been able to deal with things very well - just part of his personality.

 

Is it my own fault? Throughout our five months together, I tried so hard to hide what I was feeling. I acted hard, like casual sex without emotion was fine for me, I didn't need him. I was never once clingy or emotional. Did this result in his thinking I would be fine with whatever was to ensue? Does he not know how much I'm hurting right now that he found someone else? I don't know how to act around him. Do I even want to see him? Should I just ignore him for the next five weeks, let him go away for two months and wait for this to blow over and hopefully I'll find someone else, and then all will be good when he gets back and we can be friends again? I don't want him to leave on a bad note, but at the same time, does he deserve the satisfaction of knowing that I would die if he were ever to leave my life? How do FWB remain friends?

 

I can't operate at the moment. I have exams in a couple of weeks and a million assignments piling up, but my mind isn't working. I don't even want to eat, I feel so depressed. My stomach is constantly turning and my heart feels like it's physically gonna break. I want to think that it was just the sex that made me so attached to him (I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO THE BOY - pretty big deal), but I can't think rationally at the moment.

 

Someone, anyone, please just tell me what to do. How do I deal with him? How do I continue about my day? How do I leave this?

 

ANY ADVICE WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED. xox

[thromback]

I think he realizes how much you are hurting but is trying to ignore it because he feels bad. Humans are selfish people and they do whatever they can do please themselves. I understand how you feel to an extenet I have a similar situation. It's up to you if you still want to be friends with him. If you really cant even talk to him, without feeling depressed, then your going to have to do NC and that's going to be very hard. I think you should tell him how that made you feel just about everything. B ready for him to be angry though I don't know how this guy is but he might be like we agreed on just being friends with benefits but tell him what you just posted, everything. If he cares he would still be there for you. I think you should of told him your feelings earlier, but you can't do anything about that now. It's going to be very hard for you to stay friends without you hurting. I'm thinknig this because whenever I've tried to stay friends I upsess over every little thing they do. If you want to talk IM me on Suk it grom. Goodluck and I'm sorry if what I said didn't help you I'm only 16.

[keye]

Mikesaloserr,

 

You helped me a lot more than you will ever know. Thank you for your post and for your honesty. It helps me just knowing that other people are going through the same thing, and us being similar ages (you 16, me 18), I'm sure we can definitely relate to one another's situation. (boys around this age tend to be... well, you know).

 

I haven't yet decided what I'm going to do as I'm still waiting a few days to clear my head and hopefully get some more opinions on the situation (it's so delicate and I don't want to act on it whilst still emotional; my friends are all gorgeous and supportive but I'd like some objective advice), but believe me, you helped me so much just then in your little post.

 

If you'd like to tell me about your own sitch so I can see if I can help you in turn, feel free to PM me. We can do this, babe.

 

Keye

[Lishy]

Tell him how you feel!!!!!

 

He is your best friend and you are in love with him .... TELL HIM!!

 

The ball will be in his court and you can at least think 'oh well at least i tried'

 

If he IS interested then YAY if not then it's HIS loss and you will at least know for sure.

 

Good luck !!!!!!

[Mary3]

I agree with the former posters. Tell him how you feel ASAP.

 

Now the FWB got a little sticky on this one and you developed feelings. Possibly feelings of love. Feeling right now like you are confused and hurt that he may/does have someone else in the picture.

 

I hate to say this but if you have ( sounds like it ) strong feelings then you need to go NC meaning NO contact because if he does not want to be with you that way and does with her, then you are in for some serious HURT.

 

Tell him NOW. Then see what he says. Please post here. The sooner you start healing ( if thats where this is going ) then you need our support. I have been in the FWB situation a few times. When there are NO rules...everything is game. Please tell him and then Post back and I will do my best to advise in your FWB situation.

 

Would you like to be exclusive with him ? I know it seems trite and a little late when you both could have came to some conclusions but the fact that you are hurting right now MATTERS most .

[keye]

Mary & Lishy,

 

Thank you both for your advice.

 

However, I don't think I would be able to tell this guy. He's going overseas in a month's time, and on top of that, he's just so vague and nonchalant in general. He's only 18 and he's quite immature in that he tends not to deal with things - he just brushes them under the rug and hopes that they go away. I don't know how he would handle my telling him that I love him or whatever you want to call my feelings for him. Last night, I said to him, "I've been feeling sad about the conversation we had the other day... You're right, we haven't been proper friends for a long time." And his response? "Don't feel sad... We'll just change that," followed by a complete change of topic. If I told him my feelings, I'm afraid he would deal with them in a similar "Get over it" manner, which could ultimately ruin any possibility of a friendship for life (which is the LAST thing I would EVER want!).

 

NC sounds like a good plan and it's something that several of my friends have suggested; however, if I'm trying to stay friends with him, wouldn't it be difficult not to see him before he goes away? He'll want to say goodbye. He's having a goodbye party for his closest friends and there's no way I would be able to not go without revealing my true feelings.

 

My hope is that once we've stopped having sex and he's overseas (and thus, out of my life) for a whole two months, I'll have moved on (I've been in a similar - though not quite as drastic - situation with him before and I have moved on from him, once given the time and space) and when he gets back, we can go back to being the friends we were years ago and see what develops from there (if anything). Does this seem plausible to anyone? I have certainly learnt my lesson and will not engage in this kind of ongoing sexual relationship with him (or possibly any other male!) without any prior discussion or commitment ever again.

 

At the moment, I'm still feeling numb. Every so often, the thought of him with this other girl pops into my head and I feel physically ill. I've barely eaten over the last couple of days and study is a no-go zone (which is BAD!). At night, it's really hard. I don't like being alone in my bed and I can't even enjoy music any more because he and I spent a lot of time discussing and exchanging music and therefore, it seems like my entire music collection serves as a constant reminder of him. Argh. I'm actually going insane, and I feel so weak and stupid for it. Surely no boy is worth this, especially one that is completely oblivious (or non-caring) to your feelings?

 

Keye

[thromback]

Go to his party and tell him how you feel. I think once he leaves he will eithier realize how much he misses you or you'll be over him. The only thing that's going to make you feel better is time. I suggest that you go out more often with friends and get invovled in an activity to get your mind of him. You want to be friends with him still? You should tell him that you want to stil lbe friends but you don't know if you can be until your over him. I think he'll probably respect that. Goodluck

[Mary3]

Wow you think you feel bad Now...just wait until he drops the bomb that he " Likes someone else " Its like a kick in the stomach when they * confess* their feelings about someone new.

 

I strongly urge NC for the following reasons.

 

Hes 18

Hes going overseas

He is " oh like whatever " on serious subjects.

He changes serious subjects to lighter notes.

 

The reason I suggest NC is because you have said that you dont feel you will get a positive response to " I think I might have very deep feelings for you " Thus it feels like a punch 2 times for you. One that night and later as he emails you about a new girl.

 

I would tell him that you wish him well and let him go. I would love to tell you to TELL HIM that you have feelings but your last letter sends a warning that you are both not in the same place right now....mentally....

[keye]

Wow you think you feel bad Now...just wait until he drops the bomb that he " Likes someone else " Its like a kick in the stomach when they * confess* their feelings about someone new.

 

He DOES like someone else (see original post), hence the reason for the end of our FWB arrangement.

 

Thanks for your wise and objective advice, Mary. I definitely see the advantages of NC and am definitely considering doing just that until right before he leaves, when I will meet up with him briefly to return some of the stuff he's left with me, get some of the stuff I've left with him and say goodbye/wish him well.

 

I'm in Australia, so he will be gone during our summer holidays. By the time the summer is over, I'll have partied lots with my girlfriends and hopefully gotten over him, allowing us to have a clean slate when he gets back.

[Mary3]

Okay I understand. I think you are quite strong to do what you need to do.

More power to you !

[keye]

Hi guys,

 

Just a bit of an update on the situation.

 

Well, over the weeks following my original post, I started to get my life back together. I was still thinking about him, but not thinking about him 24/7 (ALWAYS a good thing) and started to accept things for what they were. I decided that I wanted to save the friendship because I really do love him as a person and we've known one another and been close for a good seven years, something that I didn't want to throw away for the world. I also decided, however, that NC was the best way to go for a little while, just until I was sure I was over him. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say.

 

So for two-three weeks, I didn't call him, message him or make any attempt to get in contact with him. THIS WAS SO HARD! Sometimes all I wanted to do was pick up the phone and hear his voice or message him to see how he was, but I knew that that would only set me back to square one. To get him out of my mind, I needed to get him out of my life. He would message me occasionally on MSN and we would make idle chatter ("How are you?"... "When do you finish your exams?"... etc.), but nothing deep or elaborate. I think that he understood where I was coming from, even if he wasn't sure or didn't know how deep my feelings for him actually went.

 

Finally, last night, I felt ready to see him. We were chatting on the Net during the afternoon and somehow the idea of seeing one another came about. I was going out with my girlfriends that night, but he said to call him after I was done with them and we would meet up and just hang out. So I called him around midnight and he was at a friend's place, a couple of minutes drive away. He invited me to come around, so I did (with a couple of friends in tow) and we all just hung out and chilled for hours. The great news? It wasn't weird at all. We all talked and laughed and it was fun. More great news? While I still felt a little something for him when I looked at him or talked to him, I didn't feel in any way emotional or sad. I simply felt content and happy that we were able to do what we were doing without any awkwardness.

 

I still haven't been able to talk to him about the other girl, and I'm not sure that I'll be able to for a while, either. I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to know about the situation in so much detail and I don't want to conjure up any feelings that haven't completely gone away. Jealousy and/or bitterness is not needed at the moment. However, just knowing that there is the possibility of a genuine friendship there made me happy, the possibility of there really being life after 'friends with benefits' as I truly felt that I had lost him to the situation and the misunderstanding forever.

 

He's going overseas in two weeks for his two-month trip, and I'm glad that we had the chance to hang out normally (something that we will hopefully have the chance to do more of before he goes away) before he disappeared. I feel happy just being friends with him at the moment, and I feel like we're not quite done with one another yet. We've always been on and off and there's always been an unspoken chemistry there - I doubt that will ever change. But the way things are at the moment, strictly platonic - I'm okay with that. One day we'll be able to talk about things honestly and openly and I'll be able to tell him how the whole 'friends with benefits' experience REALLY affected me, and it'll be okay because I'll be completely over it. I know that day will come.

 

For anyone in a similar situation at the moment who feels as if their heart is breaking and as if nothing will ever make them feel better - this boy has consumed me for the good part of seven years. Three weeks ago, I couldn't breathe, eat, sleep or even go a minute without thoughts of him filling my mind, and here I am now. I'm not quite healed, but I'm definitely on that road and it feels incredible. Life goes on, hindsight gives so much perspective and NC (for a little while) REALLY WORKS!

 

Thanks to everyone for their great advice. I AM NEVER DOING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WITH A BOY I HAVE FEELINGS FOR EVER AGAIN!

[Lishy]

i am so happy for you hon!!!!!!!!! WTG

[Mary3]

A very amazing post ! I am soooo glad you have come to this point and your strength speaks in volumes.

 

You are doing fantastic. The choice to remain his friends because you generally care about him is your own personal choice. Some find they cannot remain friends for various reasons but if they both choose so and can get on with their own lives, all the better.

 

Good Luck !