Mr Krueger Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 Long story short... Been with my partner (fiancee of 2 years) for nearly 10 years. She can be quite strong and I'm both reasonably chilled and avoid confrontation. She thinks she knows what people do/say with/about her and is adamant that my ex had set my daughter against her and that my daughter had bullied her daughter and that eventually my daughter had disrespected her. That means that my daughter from the age of 17 has been unable to come to our (her) house as she's banned. Partner will also not have anything to do with my very old mother. Her house is in a big capital city, pleasant enough but I've always lived in the country. So a few years ago I bought a house a couple of hundred miles away in the countryside. I bought it as she didn't have any money to invest together. It was an agreed approach and she was totally aware of what I was doing as its important to me that she is onboard as I wanted us to spend more time in the countryside and particularly as her daughter is leaving school so the ties to the city are looser. There are commitments there and I need to visit regularly but it rapidly became "my house" and whilst she's come, its not been as often as I. She feels she has no say in what goes on in the house, though I try and let her have free reign - more so than I might have in hers! Anyway, CV19 has cropped up and I am able to work from home and the country property is my home, so I came here initially. I was hoping she could come too as her daughter has ended school but she stayed. She told me that whilst I was here, that she didn't want to talk to me and she hasn't unless she needs to know or do something. When that happens its like normal conversation (on a vid call) as if everything is ok. We have had 2 rows, one because my money has been affected and I have had to reduce the money I give her regularly - she refused to accept that initially and I wrote her an email explaining my financial position, to which she just replied understood. The other was I cut some brambles near a greenhouse that she wanted to clean up and start using and she accused me of not discussing things with her and control over what she could/couldn't do. I wrote her a balanced email after that giving examples from both sides where the same could be said - she did not respond or mention it again. As of this moment, I have not spoken to her in over a week. She ignores my calls. There were a couple of texts a week ago but nothing since then and she has not responded to any of my texts, which were just being civil as in goodnight, morning, how are you sort of thing. So I've stopped trying to call and txt as there seems little point. Obviously its hard to condense 10 years into a few short paragraphs and there's more besides. I'm the one that is pretty calm and want to continue in the relationship but over the last 6 or so months it has been decidedly rocky, we could have split on a number of occasions and I'm not sure what she's either thinking or wanting from me long term. However, she still talks (when we do) about the future and living in the countryside more often and she seems invested in the various projects I have ongoing. I don't know what to make of the current situation. I hate it, as although we're apart we're still in a relationship and that requires relating! I get the impression that I could end it and she would go with it but she herself wouldn't end it, so she pushes and pushes to get me to do so. I also think the contact thing is controlling. Thoughts/comments most welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Krueger Posted May 11, 2020 Author Share Posted May 11, 2020 Oh - if this was a new relationship and I was being blanked, then I would accept the message and move on. This one is nearly 10 years old! Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 Is there even anything good about this relationship? The way you describe it is all negatives. Why do you even stay with this woman? She sounds like not the most pleasant person to be around. Just because you've been with someone for 10 years is NOT enough of a reason to stay. I was struck by the fact that she banned your daughter from her house. She claimed that your daughter bullied her daughter. Was there any truth to that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Krueger Posted May 11, 2020 Author Share Posted May 11, 2020 (edited) My daughter aged around 13, her daughter aged around 11 and her daughter's 2 cousins 13 (girl) and 11 (boy) were playing keep the phone away by throwing it between them. It was her daughter's phone, so her daughter was the "victim" in this playing around. It could be construed as a form of bullying I guess, but knowing her daughter she gave as good as she got. I apparently then didn't "deal with it" by telling my daughter off, though in my eyes it was the sort of horsing around that kids did. The ban came after a few years when her visiting was already fraught for me, trying to make sure that everyone was happy. However, it was obvious that my partner had issues with her coming to stay and didn't go overly out of her way to accommodate her. Daughter picked up on this obviously. Anyway, she came down one weekend after having been away on a school trip and gave me a small gift she'd bought back as a present. Only problem was that she did it front of partner/her daughter announcing it was for me. That partner took as being disrespectful to her in her own home (hers not ours!), that she'd done so deliberately on purpose and (later) said she couldn't come to stay again. At the time I was embarrassed as I knew it would cause an issue. That is why I have posed the question. I do like her very much, enjoy her company, we get on and she understands me very well. Fancy her still too. We don't shout/scream at each other, its normally very easy being with her, comfortable. Its just sometimes she gets a bee in her bonnet and live gets very unpleasant for a while. As I mentioned, I'm not very good at confrontation and its a bit like the OP (wtm78) in the "should a guy express his feelings" thread when I start to say something and she's interrupting, taking things off in a different direction, being dismissive and not listening to my pov. I read that thread after I posed my question but the similarities are definitely there, so I'm sure much of the same advice applies (with reference to that bit, not the tangents the thread went off in). Ultimately I need to decide whether or not I should remain with her. I didn't have a problem leaving my ex-wife though that took a few years for me to pluck up the courage to. I'm actually now in a position where it would be relatively simple to do so, helped in part by her insistence of me taking anything she finds of mine that she doesn't want to see around in her house, to mine! However, when I'm with her, its a really good feeling and she does have many positives, its just whether they are outweighed by the negatives and what's going on with the stupid/juvenile situation where she's refusing to talk with me. Edited May 11, 2020 by Mr Krueger Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Mr Krueger said: ... Ultimately I need to decide whether or not I should remain with her. I didn't have a problem leaving my ex-wife though that took a few years for me to pluck up the courage to. I'm actually now in a position where it would be relatively simple to do so, helped in part by her insistence of me taking anything she finds of mine that she doesn't want to see around in her house, to mine! However, when I'm with her, its a really good feeling and she does have many positives, its just whether they are outweighed by the negatives and what's going on with the stupid/juvenile situation where she's refusing to talk with me. And this is such a hard decision because...? Would it be different if in a few years she told you her daughter needed all the college funds to attend Oxford University, and therefore your daughter could only go to Junior college and should get married to a rich man if she wanted more out of life...? Well, give it a few more years and this will become a reality. She has already got you to throw away your own daughter and mother like they were garbage... and you agreed to it. If she does eventually call, just act all surprised and tell her you thought she had broken up with you... and you want to keep it that way. Wish her well, and then hang up. Consider yourself lucky - most people would have to hire a Priest to Exorcise a demon from their midst... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts