Saying that four letter word starting with 'L'

[Trail Blazer]

It's always awkward saying that word to your partner for the first time.  No matter how comfortable you feel in the relationship, nobody really wants to say it and not have it reciprocated.  

Which begs the question; should you anyway?  If that's how you feel, is it important to verbalize this?  Or does it put too much pressure on the other person which can potentially do more harm down the track?

From my experience with my last relationship, I waited for several months after feeling like I loved her.  When I finally told her after eight months of dating, it wasn't reciprocated.

Whilst I didn't say it to have it said back to me, I nonetheless would have much preferred she'd felt the same way at the same stage.  Alas she didn't, and she never ended up saying it and we'd subsequently broke up five months later.

I am now seven months into a new relationship and I could not be happier.  I do love this girl, but I haven't told her yet.  Unlike my previous relationship, I actually believe that she loves me and is ready to say it back to me.

I guess I have this fear in the back of my mind, "What if I'm wrong and she doesn't love me yet?"  

The dilemma I have is, someone has always got to say it first, right?  Is it the guy who has to say it first, always, though?

Girls: do you hold out waiting for him to say it first, even if you feel it?  Or, do you just come out and say it, and put your heart on the line?

If worst comes to worst, I'm a big boy and can handle the reality of her not yet being at that stage, ergo she can't reciprocate.  And, if so, that's cool... but it's just hard to know whether to wait a bit longer and be certain how she feels, or just get it out there and hope for the best?

Edited May 11, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[The Outlaw]

It depends on the person but I think that most people won't say because they feel it won't be reciprocated. And it's just a time-biding process and you want to be sure he/she is feeling it too before you say anything. When I 20, there was this girl that I went to church with that I was head over heels in love with but I never said anything to her. Nothing. We never dated but I could almost feel that something could have been there or was. Easily. And it was on the tip of my tongue the last time I saw her and I still didn't. I doubt it'd been ever returned but she would have also known had I had the courage to say anything about it. And I still haven't forgotten her to this day. Admitting feelings is easy (I've done it) but admitting that you love someone is harder. I'm overall split on the matter but you won't know unless you take the chance. 

[ShyViolet]

Unless you're psychic, you don't know whether the person will reciprocate, or be scared off.  Being the one to say it first is always a risk, but if you feel confident in the relationship and you trust the person, that's a risk you have to decide whether you are willing to take.  In life we have to take risks and we can't always avoid doing things just to avoid potential awkward situations.  

No, there is no rule as to whether the guy or the girl should always be the first one to say it.  That's dumb.

[d0nnivain]

I always fudged & said something softer first along the lines of 

I really like you

I'm falling for you

I think I'm falling in love with you

Those baby steps made it easier to test the waters & gage the other person's response / level of feelings.  Plus it was easier to back pedal if the other person wasn't on board.   

[amaysngrace]

He said it and I said I really like you a lot back but then I told him I say it into my phone after we hang up. 

He must think I’m strange.

[mark clemson]

Grats on a positive 7 months! Which one is she?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Love is a risk. It's always a risk.

Honestly, though, I've always known it was "there" before I said it. But to be fair, it could be the kind of men I picked. I have probably always chosen romantic men who "wanted to" be in love.

[Trail Blazer]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Grats on a positive 7 months! Which one is she?

Seven months ago... I made a thread about a girl I went on a first date with, who I wasn't going to see for a month due to my work arrangements. 

She's the veterinary science student.  We had the epic second date which resulted in an eventual fall-out between a few buddies of mine and myself after how it ended.

[basil67]

I'm like d0nni.  I test the waters first.   And I actually said "I think I'm falling for you" to hubby early on.

[Trail Blazer]

9 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

It depends on the person but I think that most people won't say because they feel it won't be reciprocated. And it's just a time-biding process and you want to be sure he/she is feeling it too before you say anything. 

Yet, evenutally someone has to say it. 

I couldn't imagine there's too many relationships which have lasted longer than a year where someone hasn't exchanged an "I love you" to the other person, and there's plenty of relationships that are at least one-year long.

So, for mine, one in two people have to take the plunge at some point in time.  I have in the past and it ended kind of awkwardly.

[Trail Blazer]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Unless you're psychic, you don't know whether the person will reciprocate, or be scared off.  Being the one to say it first is always a risk, but if you feel confident in the relationship and you trust the person, that's a risk you have to decide whether you are willing to take.  In life we have to take risks and we can't always avoid doing things just to avoid potential awkward situations.  

No, there is no rule as to whether the guy or the girl should always be the first one to say it.  That's dumb.

Of course.  I'm aware of all this, but I am hoping to hear from others, many of whom on here are married or are in long-term relationships.

As for there being no rule as to which sex declares their love for the other first; strictly speaking, of course you're right. 

However, my Google search would suggest that, in general, women are more risk-averse, especially when it comes to putting their heart on the line. 

There's seemingly an unwritten rule that men declare their love first, and to not do so is a signifier that he isn't going to commit long term.

[The Outlaw]

54 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Yet, evenutally someone has to say it. 

I couldn't imagine there's too many relationships which have lasted longer than a year where someone hasn't exchanged an "I love you" to the other person, and there's plenty of relationships that are at least one-year long.

So, for mine, one in two people have to take the plunge at some point in time.  I have in the past and it ended kind of awkwardly.

Yes. But you can also express it through actions if you don't feel comfortable using words. Show them. They'll know. 

[preraph]

I used to think you can tell if a guy really loved you in the moment, but I was wrong. You can tell if a guy really loves you by his actions over time much more reliably than how he is in the moment when you're having intimate moments. 

[Trail Blazer]

11 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Yes. But you can also express it through actions if you don't feel comfortable using words. Show them. They'll know. 

Yes.  That's not an issue for me.  I believe that I already show her.  However, the pressing issue here is that someone has to say that four letter word first.

[Trail Blazer]

8 minutes ago, preraph said:

I used to think you can tell if a guy really loved you in the moment, but I was wrong. You can tell if a guy really loves you by his actions over time much more reliably than how he is in the moment when you're having intimate moments. 

Time is a good indicator.  How much time do you need to know.  Do you have a time period you expect for a man to say that he loves you?

[The Outlaw]

Just now, Trail Blazer said:

Yes.  That's not an issue for me.  I believe that I already show her.  However, the pressing issue here is that someone has to say that four letter word first.

Well, I wish you luck. I'd be a nervous wreck. 

[preraph]

40 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Time is a good indicator.  How much time do you need to know.  Do you have a time period you expect for a man to say that he loves you?

No. I would no one love me if they stuck by me for long enough and acted like they cared  consistently about my welfare and helped any way they could to make my life better. 

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

No. I would no one love me if they stuck by me for long enough and acted like they cared  consistently about my welfare and helped any way they could to make my life better. 

So, it wouldn't matter if he never ended up saying it, so long as he showed it?

[K.K.]

I always wait for the guy to say it. It’s an unwritten rule for a reason- He’s the man. I like him to set the pace and keep his dignity and penis intact. 

That being said though, the last guy I loved, I just blurted it out first. But I knew that he loved me and I was eaten up with him and couldn’t help myself. Worked out ok. 

The bad thing would be if you said it and they said something like “I care for you too”. 🤦‍♀️ So don’t say it unless you know the girl loves you. It’s not hard to tell. 

And don’t overthink it. It doesn’t have to be some hallmark movie channel moment. When she does something cute one day, just chuckle and say it right out. “You’re just toooo adorable, I love you.” Then she’ll be like “Whaaat? Did you just say you loved me? 🥰“ 

Bam. Unexpected Hallmark movie channel moment. 

And if she ignores you, well then ... you can go back to whatever you’re doing and pretend like it never happened. 

[Trail Blazer]

I'm pretty sure that if she doesn't already love me, she's well on her way to feeling as though she does.

I don't think I've ever been with a girl who feels about me like she does.  She manages to convey to me how besotted she is with me but  does it in a very non-clingy way.

I have a great feeling about us long-term.  However, I'm the eternal optimist who always sees good in people and situations.  My gut doesn't lie to me, but sometimes in the past my judgement has been slightly off.

The only issue I have here is not a matter of if she will love me, but when... if she doesn't already.

[Blind-Sided]

I'm with @d0nnivain on this one. If its a topic that you are worried about... use a softer "hint" to get that ball rolling and gauge interest.

I, myself, give my heart away rather easy.  I honestly think that there is no reason to hide your feelings.  When you do that... you build internal tension.  And with that said... I have a tendency to say it early on. As I recall... I said it first to my exW, and it was only a few weeks after we were officially dating. (We hung out together for a while before we dated)  AND... I told it to a GF when I was in my 20's after maybe a month.  We were together for 5 years.   Now... I'm not one of those guys who builds an imaginary relationship in my mind... and "Love" doesn't build in me if there are any signs that things aren't going to work out early on.

I guess the problem with our OP is the same issue why people don't date well in the first place. They are scared of rejection.   Sure... it's not fun to hear... but there's no gain without risk. So... if you feel it... then say it !

[preraph]

10 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, it wouldn't matter if he never ended up saying it, so long as he showed it?

I think it means more they show it than they say it. It would be nice if they said it once at the point they were ready to back it up with commitment, but I'm not one of those people who need them to keep saying it all the time because I think it loses its meaning and just because I still a routine thing. 

Say it when you're ready to get engaged, and you don't have to use the l word if you feel awkward about it. There are other ways of saying it. I can't imagine my life without you. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by preraph

[SumGuy]

On 5/11/2020 at 12:30 PM, d0nnivain said:

I always fudged & said something softer first along the lines of 

I really like you

I'm falling for you

I think I'm falling in love with you

Those baby steps made it easier to test the waters & gage the other person's response / level of feelings.  Plus it was easier to back pedal if the other person wasn't on board.   

The bolded one is the way I go.  It hedges a bit but after decades of life experience it is honest (with the other person and yourself).  It can take a while before you know you are in love with them instead of an image of them.

However, if the other person has an avoidant attachment style it is always tricky.

[elaine567]

Forgive me if this has already been shared, but what is your gfs past relationship history, as that may have a bearing on where she is at, as regards her falling in love now.

[Malin889]

If you really feel it, then say it out loud and stop thinking about it! If she doesn’t say it back, is her really not saying it back “rejection“? She might just be uncomfortable saying it herself. I would think the only way it would be rejection is if she broke up with you after you said it lol. Go for it!