grace2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 My ex girlfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago because she couldn't handle the stress of the arguing between us anymore. She has seziures and the doctors told her not to get stressed or it could lead to more seziures. So she broke it off. We dated for over 2 years and 7.5 months. She says I scared her the last time I saw her before the break up when I lost my temper and yelled at her and beat the steering wheel with my fist. Understandable. Anyway when we broke up that night on the phone I cried and told her I love her and I would miss her. She says she loves and she would miss me too but she was afraid she couldn't handle the arguing anymore. Then she said she doesn't think it's a good idea for us to talk for awhile. I know what I need to do to work on as I'm using this no contact period for introspection as well as the chance of getting her back. I made the mistake of trying to call her during the first week after the break up on 3 different days. So obviously that made her more upset because I violated her space. Anyway it was a week and a half later that she pmed me on yahoo messenger and i told her i still had feelings for her (big mistake) then she said that she doesn't have those same feelings for me in a romantic way. I suspect I have already killed whatever feelings she might have had for me before. I made the mistake on sept.5th asking her if I could still see her again even though we're just friends. She said she didn't know. She says she aint seeing nobody else and that she wouldn't have time to meet anyone she would want to date because of family responsibilities of taking care of her grandma and taking her to dialysis tuesday thursday and saturdays. And she stays at church all day on sundays. Anyway it was 3 weeks after the break up that I came to one of these threads and read about the no contact rule. I have not initiated any contact in the last 3 weeks. And I have not been available to have contact with her in the last 2 weeks. She has tried to call me twice this past week. Tuesday night and Wednseday night but I didn't pick up the phone because I wanted to see if she was going to leave a message first. Obviously the phone call was not important since she didn't leave one. I think she was just testing the waters. Or maybe she was lonely. I can't be certain of why she's trying to call until she leaves a message. I really love this woman and I want her back more than anything. We have broken up twice before but never stayed broken up this long. It's been 6 weeks. I'm using this time to work on myself and learn about what makes me tick and boil and learning from my mistakes. But whether I get her back or not I must stick to no contact rule because I will reap many benefits in the long run. I hope time apart will diminish my desire to get her back. The no contact rule allows time and fate to do the work in our hearts. Obviously 2 weeks of no contact is not enough for her to miss me. I am killing time by catching up on some novels I've been wanting to read and going to work and hanging out with my friend. I find the more my ex tries to call the easier it is for me to continue with no contact. 6 weeks ago she tells me that we would never date again. Then 2 weeks ago she talks to my mom on the phone and says she still loves me but just wants to be friends for now and see what happens in the future. she's afraid that if we got back together now the arguing would just start up again. Alot of what we argued about didn't have anything to do with real life. Sometimes she'll say things and I'll take it the wrong way and twist her words. I don't even remember half the stuff we argued about. I do get argumentative and that is something i need to fix for this relationship or the next one. I am a realist and I have to be honest and realistic with myself that we might not reconcile the romantic aspect of our relationship this time but there is a good chance we will still be friends. Last time we talked she told me she isn't cutting me out of her life even though we're not dating. So does anyone think I still have a chance of getting her back? I'm treating it as a possibility and not a guarantee. Regardless I know that continuing with no contact is the best thing to do for her and myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 I must also say that my ex gf's father still thinks highly of me. He and my mom talked for the first time 2 weeks ago. She called my ex gf's house because she thought I was missing and might have been over there. Her father answered the phone and then he told my mom that he likes me and that me and his daughter are good together. Of course he honestly came right out and said that I did some things that were uncalled for and inappropriate but that overall i'm a good guy for his daughter. I know this doesn't mean she's coming back to me but at least her family still thinks alot of me. She is the 4th girlfriend I had and the longest relationship I had. The 3 relationships I had before her didn't even last up to 2 years. And none of my other gf's parents thought much of me either. I really miss her tonight. I miss looking into her eyes and holding her in my arms. I'm in love with what's in her soul. None of the break ups I went through before her really hurt as much as this one. I think it's not just because of the length of time we were dating but also because I see more good than bad in what we had together. After my other ex's broke it off with me I was more angry than I was depressed. But I'm feeling more sadness and very little anger if any since the break up. I've tried to date other women since the break up by going back to the dating website that I met my ex but my heart won't let me. I feel a tug pulling me back whenever I check out other women's ads on the internet. I lost the best girlfriend I ever had. Nobody compares to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 When I stopped initiating contact 3 weeks ago. She called me 6 days later. I didn't pick up the phone. Then the next day was the day my mother called her house because she thought I was missing. So later on she called my mom to see if everything was ok with me and then after they talked my mom handed the phone to me and we talked for about 40 minutes. That was my mistake. I made sure to end the conversation first and hang up but I stayed on the line longer than I should have. It was a civil conversation. The first time I was about to hang up I said "i'll let you get back to your business" then she said "i'm just laying in bed right now I can still talk" and then I continued for probably another 20 minutes and then said I have to get going and she said "ok i'll talk to you when I talk to you" and I haven't had contact with her since. This was 2 weeks ago. Then 2 nights in a row this week she tries calling me on the cell phone. I hope I have at least raised her curiousity about why I wasn't available to answer the phone. What do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
Esteban1931 Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 I also am going through exactly the same thing. I pushed her away and dont know why. I also got into arguments and regretted it later. She broke up with me and though she said its a break, she does live 2 hrs away. im afraid it might be out of sight out of mind. im worried and miss her every day. But u know what? I know I also have issues to work out. I told her that I do have issues to work out and that i am not wasting this time either. I am going to fix me if not for her but for me. She seems to have appreciated this. It shows im maturing and serious about a relationships. I was with her for 6 yrs and only the last yr was really bad. I think u need to contact her and tell her that you need to mature and fix the issues u have. It will mean a lot to her because she still cares about u and wants to know ur making an effort to fix ur future with her. Then make it clear how often she wants to stay in contact. I think i will be friends with my ex again in a few weeks or a couple of months and then i can try to get her back. I think it will be easy for us to get back those feelings because when ur so compatible with someone its easy to regain but the trust has to be worked on. I think itll hurt at first to b only friends but it will develop from there. Im trying the no contact rule too. we've been seperated for 3 weeks and i have contacted her 2 of those weeks. my mistake but its hard! I noticed she called me after a full week of no contact. She's supposed to call me in a week for my bday. I will try to keep it brief and haapy. I have a theory. I think ex's dont come back to you if ur whiny and needy. They wont miss that part of you. They will miss the confident funny person u used to be. try showing her ur ok and itll be easier for her to feel comfortable enough to contact u when she wants to. but dont try to make her jealous. since it was both of us (u and me i mean) that drove them away itll just put them at ease that they made the right decision. remind them from time to time ur there for them and start slow. be patient. i know it sounds corny but what is meant to b will be. good luck. for u and me! Link to post Share on other sites
dr strangelove Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Im am the NC king. Unfortunely I have taken it too far at times. Part of the idea is getting the other person to contact you. If they think you should be calling expect a long wait. Theres nothing wrong with talking to your ex for 40 mins. You dont want to overdue it on the lack of interest part. Honestly the best way to get off the phone is having an errand to run, another call coming through, etc.... Anger.. sure maybe u didnt grab her.. or smash anything. But you have enough of a problem that it bothers her. You might want to see someone about that, so yu can find ways to deal with her setting you off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 I don't know if it's possible to take the no contact rule too far. I worry about not taking it far enough. But the thing is I would take her calls if she left a message just as a signal to her that the door is still open if she is thinking about reconciliation. But at the same time I won't push the issue or even bring it up. I have some other things to talk to her about next time (non-relationship issues of course). Just things that are happening in the world lately and getting her opinions on things. I do ask her how she's been doing and how her family is whenever we do talk. I learned alot from dreamguy's story on the following thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=41536&pp=15 Of course this is a little over a year old but I think dreamguy makes alot of good points. Today marks 15 days since we last talked. Tomorrow will be a broken record. It's not a good idea to call at the same intervals or the same days of the week or same times of the day otherwise the calls would lose their importance and she wouldn't have an opportunity to miss me. I don't know what's going on in her mind but she might be trying to predict my next phone call. People search for a pattern when they predict something. My calls won't have a surprise effect if I call at the same intervals. But next time I end the conversation on the phone I'll just say " it's been nice talking to you but i have to get going i have work that needs to be done" Link to post Share on other sites
BrotherD Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 Hey It's really hard to read a gigantic block of text. Would it be posiible to ask for paragraph indentions etc? When I don't see em, I skip your post. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 "I made sure to end the conversation first and hang up but I stayed on the line longer than I should have" Yeah, I did the same thing. I was the one that called her though. We work together and she called in sick that day. I called her that night to see if she was feeling alright and she talked for about 20 minutes straight. She was really happy to talk to me and when I tried to hang up and said "Well, I better be going now" she was like "well, that was kind of abrupt". And stupid me, I stayed on for about another 20 or 30 minutes and after she started talking about her new boyfriend I asked if she would ever consider taking me back. Stupid! Don't EVER talk about the relationship! You'd think I would have learned that, but no! I think the no contact rule is completely foolproof. IF you actually do it and follow through. But just make sure you're not employing it like some kind of game or tactic to get her back. The whole point, as others have said, is to move on and to really better yourself. In my case, this girl meant a whole lot to me and I messed it up. The fact is we will never get back together in the past. The only place we could ever possibly get back together would be in the future. Does that make sense? You can't recapture something that already happened and has ended. You have to live the best life you can and focus on the future. You have to completely forget about her/him. That way, if and when she/he does contact you, it will be like being greeted by the sweetest memories from the past. Have you ever accidentally bumped into a really good friend that you haven't seen in years? Just imagine that feeling multiplied by one hundred. Even if things don't work out at the point when contact is reestablished, you may at least have a chance at a great friendship because you will have (hopefully) mostly forgotten about this person and the bad stuff happened between the two of you. "Hope for everything, but expect nothing" Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 Sorry about that. Sure I can do indentions and line breaks in future posts. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 When u take the NC route, it gets the toxic relationship reminds to finally fade away. Talking to your ex only opens that wound over and over...so by giving yourself time to heal, you cant go wrong. Whether you do it to see if your ex ever comes back, or if youre doing it to move on, the best method is to focus on YOURSELF and remind yourself that it is necessary and vital to your health to heal. If youre like me, after a while of NC you realize -- what the heck was I so worried about all the time, it wasnt worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 Well I'm still sticking to the no contact rule. Today marks 19 days of no contact with my ex. I realize the longer I stick with this the better chance I have of losing the desire to get her back. If she does not want to reconcile then I hope my heart will detach from her. (It still is very much attached to her) I went out on a date last Thursday and I feel that was the test for me to see if that would help me get over my ex. It didn't work and I came to the conclusion after that night that I'm not ready to date again for a long while at least. I still have not gotten any calls from my ex since last week or at least none that I know of. She usually calls my cell phone. Someone has been calling my house number like every other hour the last couple of days. I don't know if it's her or just a telemarketer but I did star 69 and tried to call back the number but it turns out it was a non-working number from bank of america. I don't even answer my house phone anymore unless someone leaves a message and then I call back. I don't want to risk answering and it being her. That tells me she must have just been really bored to death when she tried calling 2 nights in a row last week or maybe she's trying to predict my next phone call. I have no idea why she stopped calling me on the cell phone. I'm still not giving in. The worst time to break the no contact rule is when I am desperate otherwise she'll know I'm just playing a game all this time that I didn't try to call. There's no guarantee she will ever miss me if I stick to this course of action but my chances do increase. All I know is that she'll never miss me if I have contact with her now whether it's I initiating it or she. The last couple of days have been really hard as hell. But alot of what happens in 2nd chance relationships is a game. It is war. I honestly don't know if I'll answer the phone if/when she calls again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 Do you all think it would be a good idea for me to mail her a friendship card or would she see it as a manipulation on my part to win her back? I do want to establish to her that I'm not indifferent to her but at the same time let her know I'm moving on with my life and going on about my business of daily living. I want her to realize I still care about her and the door is still open but at the same time I'm not going to push the issue or pressure her about prospects of reconciliation as bf/gf. I appreciate the input. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 > Do you all think it would be a good idea for me to mail her a friendship card NO NO NO NO NO!!! No contact means NONE. You will be CRUSHED when she doesnt respond to you (and she likely wont) and it'll make u feel like you hit the reset button on healing. Dont do it. Write her a letter with all your feelings in it, and TRASH IT. Seriously, what good what it do to send to her? >I do want to establish to her that I'm not indifferent to her but at the same time let her know I'm moving on with my life and going on about my business of daily living Um, if you send her a card/letter, its going to say to her, "I'm still lost and lonely without you and cant go on" and that will work against you because women are attracted to strong individuals, ones who can stand on their own two feet...not ones who are pining for us like puppies. Sorry...its true. >I want her to realize I still care about her and the door is still open but at the same time I'm not going to push the issue or pressure her about prospects of reconciliation as bf/gf Be honest with yourself...what is your REAL desire in this situation? You ultimately want her to tell you what you feel for her is reciprocated, but when she doesnt, again, youre going to be crushed. Save yourself the embaressment and agony and just scrap the whole idea -- continue working on you and you only. IF you already explained you want her back, you have given her the power and control, and if she decides to come back, she knows how and where to find you. No sense in beating a dead horse, she knows how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilly Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 What do you do if you are doing NC with the person that dumped you and they left a ton of their stuff at your house. If I am doing NC, I am certainly not going to call him to come and get his stuff. I refuse. NC means NC. He left some important stuff that he is going to want someday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Author Share Posted October 16, 2005 What do you do if you are doing NC with the person that dumped you and they left a ton of their stuff at your house. If I am doing NC, I am certainly not going to call him to come and get his stuff. I refuse. NC means NC. He left some important stuff that he is going to want someday. Lilly you are on the right track. Let him call you when he's ready to get his stuff. My ex gf still has a necklace over here at my place. I won't bring it up. She'll ask for it back when she's ready. Today marks 21 days (3 weeks) of no contact and 4 weeks since I stopped initiating contact. I'm feeling alot better and stronger tonight. Last night I was starting to have my doubts but thank God I didn't break the no contact rule during the spell of doubt. I'm back on track. I suspect my ex will try to call me again even though she might wait a couple weeks. My original plan was to not answer her call unless she leaves a message. Now I'm debating whether or not to take her next phone call even if she doesn't leave a message. I've ignored her calls twice. What do you all think? Should I answer next time or continue to ignore her calls until she leaves a message? I'm almost certain that my original plan is the best way to go. I already know what I will do if she does leave a message. I'll wait 2 days before calling her back. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 You keep saying youre "back on track" with NC but then in the next paragraph youre debating whether you should call her if she leaves a message or not. shouldnt the answer be UM NO? Because youre enforcing no contact, right???? Besides, you are worrying about what action you are going to take when she calls next, but you dont know for sure if 1) she will even call and 2) whether or not she bothers to leave a message. Cross that bridge when you come to it, instead of wasting energy worrying about something that hasnt even happened yet. That's for moms to do, not you. In the meantime, unless she is begging for you to come back in her voicemail she MIGHT leave, I wouldnt give her a second thought. You should be in healing-mode at this point, working on getting yourself together and ex-free. Link to post Share on other sites
Aureus Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 Hey guys. I'm experiencing the same problem at the moment. Heh, it's spring - a time for renewal, yet everyone I know is breaking up. Anyway my fiance of 3 years broke up with me recently because she had feelings for my friend. She said she still loves me but only likes my friend. She is now going out with him - but us three have worked it out amongst all of us that we still want to be really good friends. My fiance and I took the breakup very hard because we were so involved in each other's lives in every aspect (which is obviously not a healthy thing). She said she still wants me in her life and doesn't want to lose me. She confuses me though, she gives me hints that she still likes/wants me but then goes on how happy she is with her new boyfriend (who she has admitted has not much - besides playing music - in common with her at all and that she couldn't see herself being with him for too long). Anyway she lives on the other side of town to me but has now recently moved into this student residental place where I live saying it is to get away from her parents who want to know too much about her personal life and relationships (they love me - which is good I guess) and wants to be independent living on her own (we lived together for a year). Does she also want to be close to me? She said on the phone to me that she wants to hang out still, and help cook dinner with me for my family. She even joked about being my stalker. Also she told me when we split that she is no longer "in love" with me but loves me. Yet a few weeks ago she told me things to contradict this. I was her first serious relationship and lover (BTW her new boyfriend is a virgin), and I love her so much it hurts. I have also been told the NC rule, which I did for awhile until I ran into her a few times and hung out and spoke with her. Now I am sticking to my guns. She called two days ago and I ended the conversation as quickly as I could (strange thing is she keeps joking to me about breaking up with her new boyfriend everytime we talk). Anyway I need to find myself again. I need to realise my potential - I have neglected so much when I was with her (my plans on making short films and also small things like hanging out with friends). I keep find myself checking her Live Journal and getting hurt each time she says how happy she is with her new boyfriend. Anyway what I want to know is do you think that the NC rule will work just as effectively even if she has a new man in her life? Also does anyone believe that someone can fall in love with someone they have fallen out of love with? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 Heh, it's spring - a time for renewal, Uh, what part of the world are you in? It's fall on my timeclock. My guess is you copied and pasted from elsewhere and forgot to proofread. Mistake #1. Your second mistake was trying to hijack this other fellas thread...you can start your own, u know... Link to post Share on other sites
Aureus Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Uh, what part of the world are you in? It's fall on my timeclock. My guess is you copied and pasted from elsewhere and forgot to proofread. Mistake #1. Your second mistake was trying to hijack this other fellas thread...you can start your own, u know... Sorry about hijacking the thread. No I didn't proof-read what I posted, I was just really emotional and just typed. I didn't copy or paste either. Thanks for the advice in the other thread though. Link to post Share on other sites
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