Movingforwardornot Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 My adult daughter met my new boyfriend over Thanksgiving and they did not hit it off at all. He can be a bit bossy and she didn't like him because of this. I tried to assure her that he was on edge meeting her and that he really is a nice person. She also was not feeling well so it was a perfect storm. To be honest, they are both kind of hard headed kind of people. Despite this, I have continued to see him and he is a very kind and considerate person to me and my adult son who lives in the same town as me (my daughter lives out of state). She hasn't been home to see him since Thanksgiving and her boyfriend is proposing to her in April so his whole family will be in town for this. My son said I shouldn't invite my bf to the dinner we are having afterwards. It's only going to be family not friends but her boyfriends parents are each coming with their spouses (his parents are divorced). My son isn't dating so he's coming alone. I do want my bf there and if our relationship continues in a good way (which it has so far), he is and will be part of my life. I realize this should be about my daughter and her boyfriend but do I tell him not to come at all?? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 Sounds like your kids are the ones who are bossy. You're the parent. They're grown and you're grown and you can date who you want and bring them to whatever you want. You need to get tough with your kids and let them know they're not the boss of you and you'll run your own love life. Unless they have some reason to think he's a financial hardship on you or some tangible reason, it's none of their business. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 I agree. Your children are adults so they should realize you are too and not try to sabotage your relationship. You are going to have to sternly explain this to them if you want peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Do not compromise your relationship because of your daughters dislike for your BF. If you two stay together she will have to come to terms with it sooner or later. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alonefornow400 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 But since it’s her engagement dinner with just family am I being selfish to include him knowing she doesn’t know him and didn’t hit it off with him when they met once? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 This is a decision you have to make based on your feelings for you BF. I don't have enough information to understand what kind of guy he is or at what stage your relationship is. Are you at the stage where you can weather all storms? Will he say he understands when you ask him not to go but in reality a seed is planted where he starts to doubt he wants to be part of the family? Lots of things can happen. Your daughter gets what she wants but how does that help you? If your guy is understanding then take the chance and ask him to stand down for this dinner. You can make it up to him - wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Just remember you are setting a precedence with your daughter. What about the wedding? What about family get-togethers when she is present? It's a slippery slope. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 If you don't invite him how is she going to get to know him? Are you not going to be able to invite him to the wedding? I would tell you not to go out & seek a date just to have somebody to bring to the event with you but he's important to you.. Hey maybe you will get lucky & he will decline of his own accord. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Maybe they are using the "just family" angle to try to get around you inviting your bf. Who is paying for the dinner? If you are all paying for yourselves, then I would say bring your bf and she and her fiance are just going to have to get used to him being a part of your life. If the fiance or someone else is paying for the dinner, if I were you, I would offer to pay for the bf's dinner. That resolves any issue related to it being just family because of the cost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 13 hours ago, Alonefornow400 said: But since it’s her engagement dinner with just family am I being selfish to include him knowing she doesn’t know him and didn’t hit it off with him when they met once? Ask your daughter if she is okay with him being there. If she's not, then don't invite him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 I'd say if you ask & daughter says she's not OK with your BF being there, don't go. If you are serious about your BF, your adult daughter needs to realize that you two are a couple / a package deal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 This is a NEW boyfriend, not your husband. No way to know if things will work out with him long-term. Your daughter will be your daughter for eternity. Her wishes should take priority, and being spiteful by refusing to go if your NEW boyfriend is not there will come back to bite you later on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforwardornot Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 I will be there either way. Another wrinkle is that a few days prior, it is a religious holiday and I'm having a special dinner at my home that my bf will want to be at. I'm thinking I can ask my daughter about him being at that dinner (since the engagement is a surprise). If things go well with them, perhaps he can join us; and if she does not want him at the holiday dinner, then that's my answer. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Good grief it's your dinner. Why on Earth would you ask your daughter's permission who you invite? Clearly you're letting your daughter run the household. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Stop giving your kid so much control in your life. Invite her to a dinner where he will be in YOUR home. If she doesn't show then you have your answer about her level of civility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Movingforwardornot said: I will be there either way. Another wrinkle is that a few days prior, it is a religious holiday and I'm having a special dinner at my home that my bf will want to be at. I'm thinking I can ask my daughter about him being at that dinner (since the engagement is a surprise). If things go well with them, perhaps he can join us; and if she does not want him at the holiday dinner, then that's my answer. Thoughts? In your house, it's your rules whether she likes it or not. That being said, she sees something negative in him that you may not be able to see because of all the "new love" hormones surging through your body. Go slow with this relationship and keep your eyes open. Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 We could never have enough information about your situation to answer this question; these are your children, you know the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Keep this up and "MAYBE" your daughter will allow you to move in with her when you are old and you can watch the grand kids while she goes shopping. Hope it's the life you wanted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforwardornot Posted May 11, 2020 Author Share Posted May 11, 2020 My adult daughter lives out of town and she constantly wants to control my love life. I'm a widow for 8 years and it forces me sometimes to lie about when I'm seeing someone. She demands the "truth" but then gives me a really hard time if I tell her. Seeing someone almost a year and he is really good to me but she only met him once and calls him a "loser" and worse. she tried to control what I eat and if I want to lose a few pounds she asks why do I care? Same with coloring my hair. I think she just wants me to be a widow for the rest of my life. It feels like she is trying to sabotage my relationships. How do I handle her? Just tell her to back off?? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 15 minutes ago, Movingforwardornot said: How do I handle her? Just tell her to back off?? Not in so many words, but yea I think you need to assert your boundaries. When my former father-in-law started dating after his wife passed away his two daughters (my ex and her sister) were livid. They felt it was disrespectful and felt threatened and uncomfortable. He didn't actually have a talk with them, but he showed them that it wasn't their life to control. I've seen it happen many times. It's not about your daughter, but she doesn't get that. You may need to tell her, but gently and lovingly. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 If she doesn't even live in the same town as you, how does she control all that stuff? If you're on the phone with her and she starts being controlling, you should end the call. Tell her that she is being rude and you're not putting up with it anymore, and hang up. You are a grown woman and she can't control you. She can only get away with this behavior for as long as you let her. And she doesn't have to like your boyfriend. Her opinion is really irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
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