How to Let go of expecting the worse from men?

[ladybug2021]

I've always had a hard time in relationships and with men. I've had abusive partners, selfish, narcissistic, etc. And yes I've had an emotionally distant and cold father.

After a lot of work on myself I learned self-love and boundaries. I've learned to see red flags from the start and not to ignore them. I've learn to stand up for myself and say no and move on before I get too involved. Basically I learned to take off the rose-tinted glasses and let go of co-dependency.

But now I feel I went to the other extreme. Whilst before I would meet a guy and would go into romance mode like a little girl, now I stay logical and practical and just waiting for the red flags to appear, and they do.

It's like I can read their intentions really well now and feel the selfishness, the BS, etc.

I feel bitter and I don't even expect meeting a good man with good intentions. I'm losing interest in dating and meeting men and just makes me feel really lonely.

I see friends of mine excited with dating and I'm not.

I feel I am a good person and just wanted to meet my match and end this dynamic. I am feeling really disheartened.

What can I do to let go of expecting bad intentions and actually expect meeting a good guy with good intentions, if that never happened before?

Edited May 11, 2020 by ladybug2021

[Improver]

So I wanted to give you some perspective from a male point of view here.  I’m hoping that at least some of this helps.

I don’t fault you for being aware of red flags.  I know there’s a lot of guys out there who have things that can’t be overlooked when it comes to red flags.  
 

It also sounds like you established boundaries for yourself which is also a good thing.  
 

I guess to help you the best way I can.  I’d have to know a few things.  First of all, what red flags/bs do you seem to be running into the most?  Second, what are the boundaries you have set for yourself?  What I mean is like what are your dealbreakers in regards to a guy?

Lets start with that and go from there.  

[Woggle]

I am somebody who used to have the same issues with women and what I can tell you is just see the opposite sex as people. Men are neither gods nor pigs. They are simply humans who besides the indoor plumbing probably have more in common with you than you think. A proper amount of caution is due for anybody in the dating scene but don't just assume the worst before you even see what they are made of. Not saying to blindly trust but give them a blank slate.

[Emilie Jolie]

On 5/11/2020 at 8:00 PM, ladybug2021 said:

What can I do to let go of expecting bad intentions and actually expect meeting a good guy with good intentions, if that never happened before?

Keep following your gut, but give it a positive twist - focus on compatibility traits rather than 'red flags', and call red flags incompatibilities. Men who are not good matches to you can still be good men with good intentions.