Cellphone transparency

[Sammytharpe]

Am I crazy it if you've already caught your husband looking at porn many times in incognito tab (which shows he knows to hide it so he knows it's something i would be upset if I knew he was doing.) and he swears he doesn't watch it even though I catch him on an almost daily basis and his history is full of porn he "didn't put there".

If I broach the subject, I'm the bad guy. He's awake when I'm asleep watching porn. If I confront him I'm "calling him a liar" and get told to pack my s*** if I broach the subject again.

It's so bad I feel a porn filter app is necessary and an activity monitoring app because if you're gonna disrespect your wife like that you shouldn't have the option of cowering behind incognito tab and not being held accountable.

Am I crazy when I say he's wrong for not allowing me to see his phone or account at this point? He broke the trust and expects me to fix it. A phone is to easy to be unfaithful on and delete and pretend it didn't happen in a matter of minutes and lie to your other half like nothing happened and I would in turn be living a lie. His lie. He acts like he doesn't understand that.

[Blind-Sided]

6 minutes ago, Sammytharpe said:

Am I crazy when I say he's wrong for not allowing me to see his phone or account at this point? .....

Yep... you are.

What does looking at some Internet porn have to do with breaking trust?  So he's embarrassed, and doesn't really want to admit it.  But that doesn't mean he's unfaithful. AND... you demanding to see his phone is you (more or less) accusing him of cheating.

OK... he should man up, and just do what I've done, and say... "If you don't want to know... you shouldn't be looking."   And in your case... you are spying.

Finally... this is just a partial story, from one side. And that side is angry.  Did he do something that made you start looking?  Or are you just paranoid? Are you giving him good, and fulfilling sex?

Edited May 11, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[basil67]

The background to this is important.  Do the two of you still have a good sex life?  Do you think he’s paying the line towards porn addiction?

[ShyViolet]

Why does it bother you so much that he watches porn?  

Most guys watch porn, even if they are in a happy relationship.  It's not reasonable for a person to get so upset about their partner watching porn and to demand that their partner not watch it.  You sound very controlling.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yes, I too want to know some background.

 

If this is a sweet, southern girl from a small town who has spent plenty of time in church on Sundays then we're in for a major challenge.

 

 

We'd have more hope were she from an urban setting and had a significant criminal history herself.  (record, not internet tracks)

 

 

IF indeed we could push a button, get a clear picture, and spell-out for her that this husband is in the throes of porn addiction, then we might have a chance to help her cause.

 

Short of that, though, it is challenging for us here to ascertain which of the couple is more out-of-it  on the subject.

 

(I guess my phone would need to be much larger for me to get a whole lot out of any porn that was on it)

 

 

Without knowing all of those answers, I would say to a woman similar to the OP: 

 

"What do youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu yourself want most for the future of your relationship?"

(and IF the answer is :     "the house, the picket fence, the kids, the dog, the economic comfort, the whole nine yards"  

then you might experiment with changing your rigid-seeming stance (which is MUCH easier if you conjured it up yourself rather than receiving it from a church background)... )

"The best defense (for your hurt, and for your feelings) is still a great offense".

And the one where you surprise him...   by watching porn WITH him...  letting him talk...  while you're taking mental notes...   might bring you a lot more clarity with regard to answers that will help you before long, no matter which path you opt to take with him.   (and if you're doing it right, you get to talk,  you get to admire whatever you want...  AND HE listens for his own good)

 

Do you find yourself feeling inferior  to those women  in porn?

When last night's obvious/perceived porn use weighs heavy on you the next day, is it your self confidence that is being shattered?

Do you give any credence to the idea that the very best way for your own uniqueness to shine in your husband's eyes and heart... is when there is at least SOMEthing to compare it to?

 

If you want to rid yourself of the cat-and-mouse game of him having to hide, uncomfortably, because you're hunting...   then change your game plan, for your own benefit.

But first decide what you want in the long run, and then get your mind TO that point, and then rewind back to now, and adopt the path that will get you where you want to be.

 

 

[IndigoNight]

Stop worrying so much about porn. It has NOTHING to do with you personally, it's a masturbatory aid for the majority of men. So long as your sex life is healthy, nothing is wrong.

Do you masturbate? Do you read romance  novels? You better stop now! It's dirty! 🙄

If you don't want to wreck your relationship stop worrying about him stroking what's his!

I'm a woman, and have NEVER felt the need to control my man so much so that I searched his phone for porn sites. If he cheated with another woman, I'd hang him. But porn, so what. I use my imagination for fantasy, should he condemn me for that?

Read some books on healthy sexuality, and you will find porn is healthy if not abused.

I spent almost 10 years studying human sexuality, with a degree, and you can get as mad as you want. The  only thing that will happen is you will lose your man eventually for being overly controlling and rigid.

Edited May 15, 2020 by IndigoNight
Autocorrect was not correct

[schlumpy]

I think you should call it quits.

You don't indicate any children so that's something.

I don't see you getting over this and I don't see him changing. This is a hill in your marriage that neither of you can climb.

I don't think you are wrong or right about it but it is behavior that you will have to accept if you want to stay with your husband.

So make plans to get out now instead of killing your marriage with a hundred fights.

[alphamale]

On 5/11/2020 at 7:17 PM, Sammytharpe said:

Am I crazy it if you've already caught your husband looking at porn many times...

have you ever watched romance movies or read romance novels?  that is porn for women

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I don't think you are wrong or right about it but it is behavior that you will have to accept if you want to stay with your husband.

So make plans to get out now instead of killing your marriage with a hundred fights.

Agreed.
OP
You don't like it, he does.
You are never going to like it, he will not stop.
Hours and hours of fighting over years and years...
Life is too short

[Fletch Lives]

Leave for a time without telling him or cut off sex - see how he likes that.

Edited May 15, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

or cut off sex - see how he likes that.

If he is addicted to porn as he seems to be then he won't really care.
His hand is his new lover...

[CaliforniaGirl]

You're being intrusive but his reaction that you should "pack your sh*t" pretty much shows how much he loves you, doesn't it? If it were me and there were no children involved I'd take him up on that and leave him to his hand. 

[Pumaza]

How old are you?

Yoir reaction is very extreme.lol

Ok i get it you dont like him looking at porn.

But he is a adult. If its legal /adult porn,you can just talk about it with him how it makes you feel.And ask why he like watching it.

Could be because he dont feel satisfied enough in bed with you.

Or other reasons.

Talk to him. And no need to spy on him.Hes a grown man. sO are you.

He can make his own choices.

 

 

[FMW]

I'm a woman and I personally don't have an issue in general with the fact that most men enjoy porn.  But you don't like it, you don't have to put up with it.

Do you really want to have to monitor him forever?  When he will clearly resent it?   I agree with the others. You don't like it, he's not going to stop.  It's been an ongoing problem it sounds like and he knows how you feel. You have to decide if you can deal with it or if it's enough to make you leave.  If you feel your sex life with him is suffering because of it, that's also something you have to take into your consideration of whether to stay or go. You can't change him.     

[Cookiesandough]

To me it’s crazy to stay in relationship and where you don’t trust the person,  feel the need to monitor them,, catch them, accuse them then of it,  fight about it, rinse, repeat. Makes no sense. You don’t trust him. You’re not going to suddenly be ok with him watching and he’s not going to quit watching and be ok with that. . So this cycle is just going to keep repeating. 

Edited May 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[major_merrick]

I don't see porn as an issue unless I'm losing out on sex because of it.  That said, some women I know see porn as being almost as bad as infidelity.  "Lust of the eyes" and all of that.  But you should have had a talk about this sort of thing before marriage, right?

In my house, we don't dig into each other's phones or computers.  I've been on LS for years and none of my partners know.  None of their business, really.  And if I look at porn, they shouldn't mind.  But I don't really look at it, because I have plenty of the real thing.  Why watch cake on TV with you can get into the refrigerator and eat it?

[Trail Blazer]

If your sex life is unhealthy, he will look at porn.  He may well look at it anyway, even if your sex life is healthy.  However, I guarantee you that his porn use would reduce if the frequency in which you have sex increases.

All I am reading, with the very limited amount of information you've posted, is complete and utter dysfunction.  You seemed repulsed by, and completely oblivious to, your husband watching porn and his reasons for doing so. 

Your soul focus seems to be about reacting to how you feel, to try and control the situation in order to cultivate the only palatable outcome in your eyes.

How about focusing on why he looks at porn instead of demonizing him for using it.  How about, instead of reacting, try understanding.  Clearly there are bigger issues going on in this relationship than just looking at porn. 

Fix your relationship issues and all the other issues on the periphery will sort themselves out.  Or leave.  Your choice.

Edited May 19, 2020 by Trail Blazer