How do I let go?

[k0ukla1995]

Hello all, I seem to have a problem that is an ex I can't get rid of. We broke up in January, and it was not a pretty breakup. We cheated on each other, I cheated first and then he cheated to get back at me. The breakup was messy and I was the one who couldn't let go. After a few weeks of him just being extremely cold to me, I finally began the process of getting over him. I threw myself into work and prioritized my friendships. We still talked here and there, but I was on the way to getting over him for the most part. In mid-March, I started seeing someone new. Things didn't work out between us because, well, I just wasn't ready for a relationship after how things ended with my ex. I realized I needed to be completely alone for a while. I ended up blocking my ex's number because I knew it was what I needed to completely move on, and I isolated myself for weeks to heal. After about 2 weeks, I unblocked his number, and the rest of the numbers I had blocked as a silly and quarantine boredom inspired experiment to see if any of these blocked numbers would text me. To my surprise, within 2 days, my ex texted me. Yes, the ex who swore he was so "over me", who constantly told me to move on and get over him. He had initiated contact a few times before that but after having him blocked I was surprised by his quickness to reach back out.

We started talking and made plans to see each other. Since then, we've hung out twice and hooked up both times, and our communication has been consistent. He swears he doesn't want to be with me romantically and just values our friendship a lot and that's why he can't stop talking to me, and doesn't want to. Which, he literally told me word for word that he "can't stop talking to me."  He has said that he doesn't know what the future holds for us, but that right now neither of us are ready for a relationship. He also said that he still loves me and cares about me and shows it in his actions. For some more clarity, when we first started dating he was the one who wanted the relationship and said "I love you" first. I ended up hurting him a lot and when I decided to change my ways it was "too late", according to him. I don't know, in my heart I know we have a really strong bond but there's a part of me that also knows we won't end up together. I'm just so stuck in place right now with my feelings for him. He has definitely let go more than I have, although he still keeps me around, for what? I've always believed he is too good a person to lead me on so for sex and whatever else but I could be wrong. Should I just let go of this one?

[Malin889]

11 hours ago, k0ukla1995 said:

You says you hurt him— how did you hurt him? How long were you dating? It sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too, by hooking up But not wanting to be in a relationship. So— don’t let him do this. 

[d0nnivain]

If you want to get over each other you have to fully separate.  No more talking.  No being connected on social media.  No meeting up.  And absolutely no sex. 

You clearly don't have the self control for that right now.  You were foolish to unblock anything.  

He likes the easy sex & you certainly aren't opposed to it.  Right now when other options are scarce at best you are reconnecting with him & having sex because you are bored & there are no other options.  

When you get bored of this or when it sucks out that last bit of someone's self respect it will stop.  Right now you are not motivated to stop because you like the attention & the sex.  It's flattering that he chased you, that he said ILY first, that he pushed for a relationship & that he texted you after you unblocked him.  In essence you are using him for the ego boost.  At some point he may tire of this or you will go off & cheat on him again.  

Either way it will be a big mess again.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You're an easy source of human intimate contact for him.

[k0ukla1995]

Update, I actually told him last night that we shouldn't talk anymore. I agree with everything that was said in this thread although I don't want to admit it to myself. But yeah, as of last night we have stopped talking because I don't want him to think I'm some girl he can just toy around with.

[k0ukla1995]

7 hours ago, Malin889 said:

You says you hurt him— how did you hurt him? How long were you dating? It sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too, by hooking up But not wanting to be in a relationship. So— don’t let him do this. 

We dated for almost a year. I wasn't ready for a relationship even though I loved him deeply. But, truthfully, I cheated on him once physically and he caught me talking to other guys several times after I cheated on him. He did a lot for me and was very loving and I took advantage. Biggest regret of my life.

[Malin889]

Oh I missed the part about you both cheating on each other... yikes.

[Malin889]

15 hours ago, k0ukla1995 said:

Update, I actually told him last night that we shouldn't talk anymore. I agree with everything that was said in this thread although I don't want to admit it to myself. But yeah, as of last night we have stopped talking because I don't want him to think I'm some girl he can just toy around with.

Yes it’s definitely for the best. It sounds like he just wants revenge for whatever you did. It doesn’t sound like you two care about each other at all. Block him for good. Maybe be single for a while and try to find Someone who you really like who Hopefully you won’t feel the need to cheat on. I don’t mean to be rude,  I’m just saying there’s a reason why you cheated on this guy. Have you cheated in other relationships? 

[Realitysux]

11 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Yes it’s definitely for the best. It sounds like he just wants revenge for whatever you did. It doesn’t sound like you two care about each other at all. Block him for good. Maybe be single for a while and try to find Someone who you really like who Hopefully you won’t feel the need to cheat on. I don’t mean to be rude,  I’m just saying there’s a reason why you cheated on this guy. Have you cheated in other relationships? 

Sometimes leaving is the biggest act of caring. I'm way past someone leaving and they stayed around to destroy me. That's worse then just leaving and saying best of luck with your life. 

[Malin889]

49 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Sometimes leaving is the biggest act of caring. I'm way past someone leaving and they stayed around to destroy me. That's worse then just leaving and saying best of luck with your life. 

Of course it is! A relationship shouldn't be about two people destroying each other. 

[Realitysux]

50 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Of course it is! A relationship shouldn't be about two people destroying each other. 

When someone stays so it destroys the other person, that means he wants her to get so fed up she leaves him right? 

[k0ukla1995]

9 hours ago, Malin889 said:

Yes it’s definitely for the best. It sounds like he just wants revenge for whatever you did. It doesn’t sound like you two care about each other at all. Block him for good. Maybe be single for a while and try to find Someone who you really like who Hopefully you won’t feel the need to cheat on. I don’t mean to be rude,  I’m just saying there’s a reason why you cheated on this guy. Have you cheated in other relationships? 

Yes, I have cheated in other relationships. Not trying to disclose too much personal info but it has something to do with my mental illness and nothing to do with my partners. You are wrong about us not caring for each other, though, when I cheated I did irreparable damage. He could still be trying to get revenge, which is why I told him to leave me alone. I want us both to completely heal before we interact again.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but I have hopes for us moving past the drama and having some sort of relationship in the future. I've never dealt with an ex where we can't let each other go like how it is with him, and I think it's for a reason.

[Realitysux]

3 minutes ago, k0ukla1995 said:

Yes, I have cheated in other relationships. Not trying to disclose too much personal info but it has something to do with my mental illness and nothing to do with my partners. You are wrong about us not caring for each other, though, when I cheated I did irreparable damage. He could still be trying to get revenge, which is why I told him to leave me alone. I want us both to completely heal before we interact again.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but I have hopes for us moving past the drama and having some sort of relationship in the future. I've never dealt with an ex where we can't let each other go like how it is with him, and I think it's for a reason.

I think because of the constant contact.

[Malin889]

8 hours ago, Realitysux said:

When someone stays so it destroys the other person, that means he wants her to get so fed up she leaves him right? 

I'm not sure to be honest, I've never been in a situation like that before. I hope this isn't/didn't happen to you, did it? 

[Realitysux]

Just now, Malin889 said:

I'm not sure to be honest, I've never been in a situation like that before. I hope this isn't/didn't happen to you, did it? 

I don't know but I don't like the guy .. I just want to move on and he isn't leaving. Kind of annoying! I'm nice to everyone in my personal life and he thinks I'm still interested so I have no choice but to be mean to him. 

[preraph]

Just going by what I've seen over a lifetime, it's very common than a man comes back after a breakup to see if they can still have sex with you. I'm sure there's many reasons for it but one of it surely has to be that it's good for their ego so they can tell themselves that's not what was wrong and that you're still attracted to them so they maintain confidence going forward while dating which they will do. 

 

You need to decide what you want to do. If you don't want to get back together with him because you know he's not who you want to stay with, then I don't see why you'd want to go through all this again in another six months. 

 

You're both going to have some uncomfortable times breaking away from each other. But if you decide you want to not be with him, then you need to just tell him that the only way for you to move forward is to cut off contact. 

 

You know as well as I do you can't just be friends with benefits for very long because it'll interfere with your love life in the future and his as well. in fact even being friends with him without sex and keeping him around at any capacity is going to run off any man you take up with. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, k0ukla1995 said:

Yes, I have cheated in other relationships. Not trying to disclose too much personal info but it has something to do with my mental illness

I agree that he was back for sex and a good time.  During this lockdown it's hard to get a new woman to meet him or go out and meet new women.  Most guys know it's easier to get sex from an ex rather than a new person that they have to groom and work up to sex.  I hope you are in counseling about your cheating and for your illness.  Until you get that resolved it's best to not enter a relationship.

[MissBee]

On 5/11/2020 at 10:59 PM, k0ukla1995 said:

Hello all, I seem to have a problem that is an ex I can't get rid of. We broke up in January, and it was not a pretty breakup. We cheated on each other, I cheated first and then he cheated to get back at me. The breakup was messy and I was the one who couldn't let go. After a few weeks of him just being extremely cold to me, I finally began the process of getting over him. I threw myself into work and prioritized my friendships. We still talked here and there, but I was on the way to getting over him for the most part. In mid-March, I started seeing someone new. Things didn't work out between us because, well, I just wasn't ready for a relationship after how things ended with my ex. I realized I needed to be completely alone for a while. I ended up blocking my ex's number because I knew it was what I needed to completely move on, and I isolated myself for weeks to heal. After about 2 weeks, I unblocked his number, and the rest of the numbers I had blocked as a silly and quarantine boredom inspired experiment to see if any of these blocked numbers would text me. To my surprise, within 2 days, my ex texted me. Yes, the ex who swore he was so "over me", who constantly told me to move on and get over him. He had initiated contact a few times before that but after having him blocked I was surprised by his quickness to reach back out.

We started talking and made plans to see each other. Since then, we've hung out twice and hooked up both times, and our communication has been consistent. He swears he doesn't want to be with me romantically and just values our friendship a lot and that's why he can't stop talking to me, and doesn't want to. Which, he literally told me word for word that he "can't stop talking to me."  He has said that he doesn't know what the future holds for us, but that right now neither of us are ready for a relationship. He also said that he still loves me and cares about me and shows it in his actions. For some more clarity, when we first started dating he was the one who wanted the relationship and said "I love you" first. I ended up hurting him a lot and when I decided to change my ways it was "too late", according to him. I don't know, in my heart I know we have a really strong bond but there's a part of me that also knows we won't end up together. I'm just so stuck in place right now with my feelings for him. He has definitely let go more than I have, although he still keeps me around, for what? I've always believed he is too good a person to lead me on so for sex and whatever else but I could be wrong. Should I just let go of this one?

Yes.

It doesn't seem like anything has changed between you and it sounds like the main reason you're probably communicating is out of quarantine boredom. He's also clear he doesn't want a relationship and you all aren't ready and you're hooking up...I don't understand what you mean by why is he keeping you around? You're an ex who is still willing to hook up and it's a pandemic where you can't exactly date and find new people to date or hook up with that easy. Many people are mistakenly reaching out to exes because of this. But it's pretty clear that he isn't saying he wants to be together and you also don't think it will work out and you're bored....that doesn't seem like a great foundation to continue with any of this.

[k0ukla1995]

3 hours ago, MissBee said:

Yes.

It doesn't seem like anything has changed between you and it sounds like the main reason you're probably communicating is out of quarantine boredom. He's also clear he doesn't want a relationship and you all aren't ready and you're hooking up...I don't understand what you mean by why is he keeping you around? You're an ex who is still willing to hook up and it's a pandemic where you can't exactly date and find new people to date or hook up with that easy. Many people are mistakenly reaching out to exes because of this. But it's pretty clear that he isn't saying he wants to be together and you also don't think it will work out and you're bored....that doesn't seem like a great foundation to continue with any of this.

I want to make it clear that when he reached out to me there was no mention of sex, I was actually the one who brought it up because I wanted to get laid. Just because he's the guy doesnt mean that was the one thing on his mind, we had been texting and just catching up and it as MY idea to hook up. He hooked up with girls in between our breakup and quarantine, has plenty of friends male and female, and could have had anyone else over for sex. Sure, maybe it's easier with me because we have history but he made NO sexual passes at me during our communication unless I initiated. Anyone who knows us personally and knows the situation has seen that my ex does still have feelings for me.

When I told him we shouldn't talk one of the last things he said to me was "you brought something out of me i didn't know was still there and didn't want to admit" clearly admitting he was in denial. But, we still aren't talking because I'm trying to be strong. Maybe he's not "the one" for me but there is definitely mutual love still involved.

[miranda561]

On 5/13/2020 at 11:19 PM, k0ukla1995 said:

Yes, I have cheated in other relationships. Not trying to disclose too much personal info but it has something to do with my mental illness and nothing to do with my partners. You are wrong about us not caring for each other, though, when I cheated I did irreparable damage. He could still be trying to get revenge, which is why I told him to leave me alone. I want us both to completely heal before we interact again.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but I have hopes for us moving past the drama and having some sort of relationship in the future. I've never dealt with an ex where we can't let each other go like how it is with him, and I think it's for a reason.

Heres a tip. Maybe stop cheating. Damn girl 

[miranda561]

On 5/13/2020 at 11:19 PM, k0ukla1995 said:

Yes, I have cheated in other relationships. Not trying to disclose too much personal info but it has something to do with my mental illness and nothing to do with my partners. You are wrong about us not caring for each other, though, when I cheated I did irreparable damage. He could still be trying to get revenge, which is why I told him to leave me alone. I want us both to completely heal before we interact again.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but I have hopes for us moving past the drama and having some sort of relationship in the future. I've never dealt with an ex where we can't let each other go like how it is with him, and I think it's for a reason.

Let it go and stop hooking up. Hes just using you anyway for what he can get now.