Is this normal for guys?

[miranda561]

4 hours ago, Woggle said:

True but too much contact will drive a woman away much faster than too little contact. You have to gradually start contacting them more and make feel like they earned your heart.

No. Too little contact is a no no. Coz best believe I'll have others i can talk to on speed dial

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

I hate games as well and if I were single I would refuse to play them but I know from what I witness is that being too eager is the easiest way to drive a woman away. Just because I point out a certain fact of life does not mean that I support that fact. I simply call it like I see it. The state of modern relationships today is a complete and total train wreck and I think god I lucked out and don't have to deal with that minefield. That being said these games work. Don't blame the weatherman for accurately reporting the weather.

There should be a balance . Not too much not too little.

And actually if the woman likes the man she will naturally expect contact. And depending on the type of woman they are will either get really annoyed with the lack of  calls/texts  and walk away or may be constantly worried ( but those are usually the clingy types)

[Woggle]

3 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

So its done on purpose

For some men it is and for some men it isn't but I have seen time and time again that putting a little distance between a man and a woman he is interested will work much better than too much contact. I will never play those games and I would rather live like a monk than have to pull that crap just to keep a woman interested but I know what I have seen from what I observe.

[miranda561]

7 hours ago, Beachead said:

@softball88

It's normal for an uninterested guy or an uninterested person for that matter.

Interested people will make it happen.  They like being around you and they're interested in a relationship so they don't do things to jeopardize that from happening.  Anything that might be perceived as lack of interest, will be bridged through communication from his end.  You won't feel resistance or confusion.   You won't feel like you're left in the dark.  Consider how you feel as feedback.

Why is he nice to you in person then? Well, he knows you're a good person.  He respects you so he's kind to you.  That's all. 

Since he's not reciprocating, distance from him to allow yourself to heal and recover.  You won't be able to so long as he's in your face.  Any contact you have with him, will only feed into your hidden desires/ulterior motive and prolong the process.  The longer that goes on, the more frustrated and addicted you'll feel.  You want to get back to being your best self so that you can be your best self when you meet someone who is interested.  Right now, this guy has become toxic and he will stop you from getting there.

It's not his fault or yours..its just what is and what you need to do.

Stay strong

- Beach

Its only been four days. Its hardly forever is it. And they do see each other. No uninterested guy is going to waste his time and effort in meeting a woman he's not interested  in

[miranda561]

4 minutes ago, Woggle said:

For some men it is and for some men it isn't but I have seen time and time again that putting a little distance between a man and a woman he is interested will work much better than too much contact. I will never play those games and I would rather live like a monk than have to pull that crap just to keep a woman interested but I know what I have seen from what I observe.

What about if its the other way around. The woman keeping her distance. 

Since i do that quite a bit. Unintentionally 

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

I hate games as well and if I were single I would refuse to play them but I know from what I witness is that being too eager is the easiest way to drive a woman away. Just because I point out a certain fact of life does not mean that I support that fact. I simply call it like I see it. The state of modern relationships today is a complete and total train wreck and I think god I lucked out and don't have to deal with that minefield. That being said these games work. Don't blame the weatherman for accurately reporting the weather.

Yeh i wish i wasn't  a millenial 😂 and was back in the chivalrous times

[Woggle]

7 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

What about if its the other way around. The woman keeping her distance. 

Since i do that quite a bit. Unintentionally 

That works as well. People want what they can't have but if a man is making frequent contact greatly increases the change of her doing that.

[Woggle]

1 minute ago, miranda561 said:

Yeh i wish i wasn't  a millenial 😂 and was back in the chivalrous times

I am gen x but yeah I am glad I don't deal with that crap. Those days are long gone and modern relationships are just a train wreck. It is extremely difficult for anybody to find healthy relationship in this kind of landscape.

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Yeh i wish i wasn't  a millenial 😂 and was back in the chivalrous times

I think you're confusing romance novels with reality @miranda561     I'm Gen X and certainly wouldn't call the men I dated back in the 80's chivalrous 😂  But that's OK, we had a lot of fun.    I have my grandmother's diary from when she met my grandfather in '1938 and she had to lay down the law to deal with him wanting to get physical on the second date.   Prior to that, there were the shotgun marriages and lots of them.   

Unlike Woggle, I see some great relationships which younger friends/relatives/colleagues are in.  My gen Z daughter has chosen some really lovely young men to date.  The kind of men who we really miss when they eventually go their separate ways.    Sure, there are high divorce rates, but that's only because divorce is possible.   I would hazard a guess that divorce rates would have been the same 100 years ago if it had been easy to access, socially acceptable and women could have earned a living wage.  

 

Edited May 18, 2020 by basil67

[MeadowFlower]

8 hours ago, Beachead said:

Why is he nice to you in person then? Well, he knows you're a good person.  He respects you so he's kind to you.  That's all. 

If he doesn't like her and knows she does like him, he shouldn't be talking to her to be kind. 

[amaysngrace]

True @basil67

Growing up we knew who all the divorced families were, all three of them.

Wow...sounds just like my town except now it my own family...

cosmic...

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

There should be a balance . Not too much not too little.

And actually if the woman likes the man she will naturally expect contact. And depending on the type of woman they are will either get really annoyed with the lack of  calls/texts  and walk away or may be constantly worried ( but those are usually the clingy types)

I agree, there definitely should be a balance!  However, I think it's about reading the audience (or in this case the person) as much as anything.  Some women like more contact than others.  Within that spectrum, no woman likes to be ignored or smothered.

I agree with Woggle and err on the side of caution, by contacting slightly less than what I perceive she'd like.  That way, I'm not smothering her, whilst at the same time giving her an opportunity to reciprocate that contact.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Woggle said:

I hate games as well and if I were single I would refuse to play them but I know from what I witness is that being too eager is the easiest way to drive a woman away. Just because I point out a certain fact of life does not mean that I support that fact. I simply call it like I see it. The state of modern relationships today is a complete and total train wreck and I think god I lucked out and don't have to deal with that minefield. That being said these games work. Don't blame the weatherman for accurately reporting the weather.

So you say that these games work to create relationships. And that the state of relationships today is that they're train wrecks.

Well, no kidding. 😅

Guy who can't get a girlfriend without middle school games + woman insecure mess enough to want someone who ignores her was supposed to equal anything other than a failure?

Stop the games...

[amaysngrace]

I never call him unless I just miss his call so I know he has his phone in his hand. 

Otherwise he’ll just get real busy again but I mostly always answer when he calls.

 

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

So you say that these games work to create relationships. And that the state of relationships today is that they're train wrecks.

Well, no kidding. 😅

Guy who can't get a girlfriend without middle school games + woman insecure mess enough to want someone who ignores her was supposed to equal anything other than a failure?

Stop the games...

About a year or two ago..the person i assumed  was a narc..actually admitted he wouldn't meet me just so when i eventually met him i would apparently be all over him from missing him so much. That  was his theory. 

Talk about a crazy guy. 

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think you're confusing romance novels with reality @miranda561     I'm Gen X and certainly wouldn't call the men I dated back in the 80's chivalrous 😂  But that's OK, we had a lot of fun.    I have my grandmother's diary from when she met my grandfather in '1938 and she had to lay down the law to deal with him wanting to get physical on the second date.   Prior to that, there were the shotgun marriages and lots of them.   

Unlike Woggle, I see some great relationships which younger friends/relatives/colleagues are in.  My gen Z daughter has chosen some really lovely young men to date.  The kind of men who we really miss when they eventually go their separate ways.    Sure, there are high divorce rates, but that's only because divorce is possible.   I would hazard a guess that divorce rates would have been the same 100 years ago if it had been easy to access, socially acceptable and women could have earned a living wage.  

 

Perhaps 😂. I think i just haven't met the right people!  

 

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

If he doesn't like her and knows she does like him, he shouldn't be talking to her to be kind. 

I just don't see why he would meet her at all if uninterested.

 

[simpycurious]

12 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Perhaps 😂. I think i just haven't met the right people!  

 

That's just it Miranda, you just have not met the RIGHT one's....once you do, it will be smoooooooooooth

[Woggle]

5 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

So you say that these games work to create relationships. And that the state of relationships today is that they're train wrecks.

Well, no kidding. 😅

Guy who can't get a girlfriend without middle school games + woman insecure mess enough to want someone who ignores her was supposed to equal anything other than a failure?

Stop the games...

The issue is people who don't play these games end up getting screwed as well. These games don't create successful relationships but they create attraction. In order to have a successful and happy relationship these days you need to be extremely lucky. I am talking winning the mega millions lottery lucky. The issue is that what creates attraction these days is almost at odds with what creates a successful and lasting relationship. 

[miranda561]

9 hours ago, Woggle said:

That works as well. People want what they can't have but if a man is making frequent contact greatly increases the change of her doing that.

Not always sometimes they'll stop contact altogether if i wasnt speaking  to them enough 😂

[salparadise]

I don't see it as game-playing any more than the multitude of strategies in the female playbook... feigning demure, ugh. They pretend disinterest and play aloof for the exact same reasons. They create suspicion  that there may be other suitors to trigger jealously and a sense of urgency. They withhold physical affection (contrary to their own desires) with the notion that he has to earn it. The fact that something is elusive or unattainable motivates. This is basic human nature, and the basis of women's ideas about getting men to pursue against resistance, as opposed to creating balance and expressing interest themselves. I don't like any of it personally, but it happens all the time. Old school playbook.

Women say they want a man who is willing to invest first and not push for sex too soon, but if a guy isn't touchy feely or going for a kiss she wonders what's wrong with him. And conversely, a guy may push for sex on the first date, but if he gets it he may loose interest immediately after. 

What women say they want is often not what works. But one thing I do know is that being too available or too easy is not a winning strategy for men or women in the early stages. Intrigue stimulates desire. 

[Beachead]

8 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

If he doesn't like her and knows she does like him, he shouldn't be talking to her to be kind. 

Absolutely, I agree.  Since the OP hasn't really given all that much information, I was just giving the situation the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions.  

 

[Beachead]

@Woggle, @salparadise, @CaliforniaGirl

I can't stand the dating scene for the reasons, most of you are talking about, which is why I bowed out.

I believe there's long list of external economic/political factors out of our control that shape the dating culture. Things such as  globalization, the media, the internet.  

Jobs are no longer permanent.  Skills/education has to be constantly upgraded.   This requires relocation across a state, province, country, or continent. The world is moving faster and faster and demanding more people who are being overworked, underpaid, undervalued.  They barely have time for their friends, their family , themselves or anything that enriches their soul and their spirit.  We're bombarded 1000's upon 1000's of subliminal messages from tv, the internet, the radio telling us how to think, feel , dress and act about ourselves and other people and situations.  We then pass that on subliminally to eachother.  Social Media/Online dating was born out of this and it thrives because of it.   And although it has connected people in some ways, it has done a fantastic job of alienating people in other ways.  Online dating specifically does a great job of training us to reduce people to commodities to be chosen like items in a store.  

But as impactful as these external factors are..nothing shapes the dating culture more than people themselves.

You've got people out there cheating on others.  Treating a relationship as a 50/50 business-partnership rather than a 100/100 loving one.  Ghosting people or dumping them via text message.  Dating for an ego boost or for materialistic reasons such as financial, career, social gain.  Getting into relationships to play the field and/or make an ex jealous.  Getting into a relationship to escape the grief of a past break up.  Getting into relationships because the person lack confidence in themselves and defines their worth and value to society and to themselves, only through the love and approval of someone else. 

There are a lot of messed up people out there, irresponsible and unaccountable to themselves and to others.  They take a healthy person and leave them in shambles.  Themselves included if they don't care for themselves.   Some of these people know they got things to sort out but submit to weakness and do selfish things to escape and others don't have a clue because they never took the time to put the work in and sort themselves out.  No matter what the case, unchecked pain bleeds into the mind, affects thinking, and manifests itself into disastrous behaviour, and people get hurt.

 

Edited May 18, 2020 by Beachead

[preraph]

You're not on his mind unless you're in front of him apparently. so you're not any kind of priority in his life because his interest isn't that strong. that doesn't mean he won't be nice and act like everything is normal the next time you happen to see him in person, but just remember he's not someone interested enough to make the slightest effort.

[Beachead]

10 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Its only been four days. Its hardly forever is it. And they do see each other. No uninterested guy is going to waste his time and effort in meeting a woman he's not interested  in

When someone is interested in being with you, there's always forward momentum.  Their treatment of you is a large reflection of their interest and investment in you and a possible relationship.  There are exceptions to that and when those exceptions come about, you'll be okay with it because their prior actions/behaviour inspire confidence and trust.  They keep you in the loop and let you know what's going on...because they want to be with you and won't jeopardize the chances of that happening, because they value that outcome.    It's when there's no interest or uncertainty in the other person's mind, is when obstacle after obstacle gets placed in way and you feel things are complicated, confusing, frustrating.  That's when you feel "Something's off" or you feel like you are being generally kept at arms length.  These periods of no talking won't typically happen with a interested person.