Partner expressed that she doesn't feel the same anymore but I'm not sure what is happening?

[turokturok5]

We were together for 2 years (I'm 27 and she is 28) and hadn't seen each other for a few months due to quarantine but still skyped/talked on the phone every day. She has been very paranoid about getting coronavirus and even quit her graduate job that she took about 6 months to land as she lives with her elderly parents and is afraid of them getting ill. We finally met up today and things seemed fine, then she started crying and said we need to talk...Basically said that being apart made her feelings change as she only felt like I displayed my affection for her by physical means and that because I call her "my love" and have never directly said "i love you", she doesn't believe I am truly in love with her and but still wants me in her life. She didn't explicitly state that she wanted to break up but it more or less sounded like a break up speech. We talked for a little bit,  I was a bit shocked and needed some time to think for myself and wanted to leave (she seemed resistant to this and wanted me to stay with her or even go back and stay the night at her house) so I ended up leaving. 

We ended up talking on the phone a bit later. She described how she felt that I "didn't love her 100%" because I hadn't said I love you yet. It's not that I didn't love her, I've just been taught that it is better to display your love to someone through actions rather than empty words and didn't know it was such a big deal to her until now. She seemed very set on breaking up in my opinion - logically stating several other reasons why her feelings towards us as a couple had changed, but wasn't actually saying she wanted to break up. So I said that with all the reasons she was stating, it really sounds like she has made up her mind about us and that I'll make it easier on the both of us by just saying we should end it there. Then she started bawling her eyes out again and was saying that she was dead set on her decision to end our relationship prior to our meet up, but now that she had actually talked about her feelings with me up front, she was confused about her feelings and whether or not she really wanted to lose me. She then asked me to give her a few days to think it through. I do really love her and want to have a future with her, but I'm not sure what to do. At the moment I'm just giving her the space she asked for, but at the same time I'm confused as to why she needs space, as we hadn't seen eachother physically for months. 

[d0nnivain]

Sounds more like a poorly worded request for change then a genuine desire to break up.  She wants reassurance.  

If you love her, tell her.  To the extent it is possible send her some flowers.   Do something -- anything -- romantic for her.  Have a song dedicated to her on the radio.  Write her a poem.  Make her a video. Just act before you lose her.  She's got it into her head that your relationship was physical only (sex).  If you don't you will lose her for sure.  

[turokturok5]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Sounds more like a poorly worded request for change then a genuine desire to break up.  She wants reassurance.  

If you love her, tell her.  To the extent it is possible send her some flowers.   Do something -- anything -- romantic for her.  Have a song dedicated to her on the radio.  Write her a poem.  Make her a video. Just act before you lose her.  She's got it into her head that your relationship was physical only (sex).  If you don't you will lose her for sure.  

I did end up telling her I love her. My closing remarks on the phone were that for the record I did really love her and wanted to stay together, that I just wasn't aware that she needed me to verbally affirm it often and I would do my best to make an effort to do so in the future, but would give her the space she needed to think things through. If I'm sending her flowers and gifts spontaneously is that not breaching that space she needs?

[preraph]

I agree with you that it's better to say I love you with actions, and too many women do put too much stock in "empty words."  Are you anywhere near feeling like it's time to get engaged to her?  Maybe that is what she really wants, the commitment, something to show you're not just wasting her time some way.  Maybe say you had thought you'd get engaged and then wait a year to marry or something like that.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

How close do you two live from each other? You're in a relationship, so why go months without seeing each other? What did you expect would happen? There must have been a way to be cautious health wise, and still see each other regularly.

[turokturok5]

28 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

How close do you two live from each other? You're in a relationship, so why go months without seeing each other? What did you expect would happen? There must have been a way to be cautious health wise, and still see each other regularly.

We live about an hours drive away so distance isn't too much of an issue. She was very paranoid about the coronavirus crisis (overly paranoid in my opinion but I respected her decision). She has elderly parents with comorbidities and I work in a hospital so we didn't want to risk her getting sick and passing it onto her parents who she lives with. She even worked in a private practice (physio) which took her months to land after graduation, but quit out of fear of being exposed to the public/virus and passing it onto her parents 

[turokturok5]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I agree with you that it's better to say I love you with actions, and too many women do put too much stock in "empty words."  Are you anywhere near feeling like it's time to get engaged to her?  Maybe that is what she really wants, the commitment, something to show you're not just wasting her time some way.  Maybe say you had thought you'd get engaged and then wait a year to marry or something like that.  

I'm not looking to get engaged to her right now as we have both just graduated from uni, live with our parents and don't have full time work yet. We've both discussed wanting job security first before pursuing a family

[preraph]

Well then I guess the most you can do is tell her you love her and don't want to lose her and that you intend to stay with her once you guys get established. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, turokturok5 said:

 If I'm sending her flowers and gifts spontaneously is that not breaching that space she needs?

She doesn't need space.  It's a test.  She wants you to chase her.  

Please note I don't say this lightly.  Most times I'd be telling somebody to back off.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, turokturok5 said:

We ended up talking on the phone a bit later. She described how she felt that I "didn't love her 100%" because I hadn't said I love you yet. It's not that I didn't love her, I've just been taught that it is better to display your love to someone through actions rather than empty words and didn't know it was such a big deal to her until now. She seemed very set on breaking up in my opinion - logically stating several other reasons why her feelings towards us as a couple had changed, but wasn't actually saying she wanted to break up. So I said that with all the reasons she was stating, it really sounds like she has made up her mind about us and that I'll make it easier on the both of us by just saying we should end it there. Then she started bawling her eyes out again and was saying that she was dead set on her decision to end our relationship prior to our meet up, but now that she had actually talked about her feelings with me up front, she was confused about her feelings and whether or not she really wanted to lose me. She then asked me to give her a few days to think it through. I do really love her and want to have a future with her, but I'm not sure what to do. At the moment I'm just giving her the space she asked for, but at the same time I'm confused as to why she needs space, as we hadn't seen eachother physically for months. 

I just do not understand people who think that actions ALONE are enough. For SO many people, words WITH ACTIONS are paramount. Of course the words ALONE are meaningless. 

She is insecure about quite a few things. You don't detail the other  logically stated reasons for her wanting to end it, so can't be just because you don't say 'I love you.'  Yes, give her time to think things over. Did you tell her that you loved her after her initial concern? 

[d0nnivain]

25 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I just do not understand people who think that actions ALONE are enough. For SO many people, words WITH ACTIONS are paramount. Of course the words ALONE are meaningless. 

Exactly.  

Unfortunately most people do not understand themselves enough to explain to somebody else what love looks like to them.  

I didn't really understand it myself.  I lived with an EX who used to clean my messy space all the time.  It drove me crazy.  It turned out that cleaning was his way of saying I love you.  All it did was make me made because it felt like an invasion, like him asserting control over me.  We had different methods of organization & it became a war.   On another note when I married my husband I learned he didn't do greeting cards but that was the one thing my dad had always done.  Every holiday or special occasion there was a card.  When my husband didn't give me one, I felt unloved, like I wasn't worth the effort.  Because it was such a trivial thing in the grand scheme but one that meant so much to me, DH adapted.  Now I get these wonderful thoughtful cards that say so much that he doesn't have the words for & the mean the world to me.  Granted I also had to teach him how to address them.  At first he'd just sign his name & nothing else.  That infuriated me -- I needed the date, the Dear D0nnivain, & Love, DH.  All these years later those cards still touch me in primal ways.  

turokturok5  -- your GF doesn't have the maturity or the vocabulary to tell you exactly what she wants but she knows she wants words & actions.  If you "give her space" she will interpret that as more of you not caring & it will reinforce in her mind that you don't love her.   This is one of the few times where I am telling a guy to pursue.  She wants you to chase her.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

turokturok5  -- your GF doesn't have the maturity or the vocabulary to tell you exactly what she wants but she knows she wants words & actions.  If you "give her space" she will interpret that as more of you not caring & it will reinforce in her mind that you don't love her.   This is one of the few times where I am telling a guy to pursue.  She wants you to chase her.  

I concede this point. Yes, she is likely hoping that you will persist and let her  know what and how you feel. She wants you to act like you love her now that you have failed to not let her know verbally. Again, did you finally tell her you do LOVE her? Or did you play the "eh, sounds like you've already made up your mind" BS and show how stubborn you are? Honestly, you say that you love her...tell her and get after her. Reassure her. My initial response to give her space was a mistake on my part. 

[turokturok5]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Exactly.  

Unfortunately most people do not understand themselves enough to explain to somebody else what love looks like to them.  

I didn't really understand it myself.  I lived with an EX who used to clean my messy space all the time.  It drove me crazy.  It turned out that cleaning was his way of saying I love you.  All it did was make me made because it felt like an invasion, like him asserting control over me.  We had different methods of organization & it became a war.   On another note when I married my husband I learned he didn't do greeting cards but that was the one thing my dad had always done.  Every holiday or special occasion there was a card.  When my husband didn't give me one, I felt unloved, like I wasn't worth the effort.  Because it was such a trivial thing in the grand scheme but one that meant so much to me, DH adapted.  Now I get these wonderful thoughtful cards that say so much that he doesn't have the words for & the mean the world to me.  Granted I also had to teach him how to address them.  At first he'd just sign his name & nothing else.  That infuriated me -- I needed the date, the Dear D0nnivain, & Love, DH.  All these years later those cards still touch me in primal ways.  

turokturok5  -- your GF doesn't have the maturity or the vocabulary to tell you exactly what she wants but she knows she wants words & actions.  If you "give her space" she will interpret that as more of you not caring & it will reinforce in her mind that you don't love her.   This is one of the few times where I am telling a guy to pursue.  She wants you to chase her.  

 

23 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I concede this point. Yes, she is likely hoping that you will persist and let her  know what and how you feel. She wants you to act like you love her now that you have failed to not let her know verbally. Again, did you finally tell her you do LOVE her? Or did you play the "eh, sounds like you've already made up your mind" BS and show how stubborn you are? Honestly, you say that you love her...tell her and get after her. Reassure her. My initial response to give her space was a mistake on my part. 

Thank you, I did tell her I loved her. I told her for the record I do love her and still want to have a future with her. But admittedly I did also say that it sounded like she had made up her mind already and maybe it would be better for both of us if we just end it then. Although I can't remember which one I said first, I was a bit upset and not thinking too clearly. Our conversation ended with her saying she needed a few days to think, as she was set on ending the relationship but after we talked about our feelings today she wasn't so sure anymore. Should I respect her wishes for space for at least a couple of days before reaching out to her and asking to meet up and have a conversation? I've always been scared of making myself vulnerable but I'm willing to put it on the line and let her know how much I care about her and how I realize that I've just been selfish by not acknowledging her need for words as well as actions

[d0nnivain]

Just now, turokturok5 said:

 Should I respect her wishes for space for at least a couple of days before reaching out to her and asking to meet up and have a conversation? 

Only if you want to lose her. 

She may have said she wants space but what you are clearly not hearing is that she is SCREAMING at you that she wants you to reassure her about how much you go love her.  You go silent on her, she will conclude that she was absolutely right & that you don't really love her you were just using her for sex & now that sex is not an option you are done.  Now is the time for socially distant romantic gestures.  Seriously, try to the dedication on the radio.  

It's time for you to be vulnerable.  Unless you let that wall down & let her in, she's gone. 

[turokturok5]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Only if you want to lose her. 

She may have said she wants space but what you are clearly not hearing is that she is SCREAMING at you that she wants you to reassure her about how much you go love her.  You go silent on her, she will conclude that she was absolutely right & that you don't really love her you were just using her for sex & now that sex is not an option you are done.  Now is the time for socially distant romantic gestures.  Seriously, try to the dedication on the radio.  

It's time for you to be vulnerable.  Unless you let that wall down & let her in, she's gone. 

I disagree about the sex apart. There is no way she would think I was only using her for sex as sex has never been the foundation of our relationship. We have both previously expressed to eachother that we don't hold sex in the highest regard when it comes to a loving relationship. When I said I would mainly express myself through "physical means" I meant through kisses, hugs, cuddles, massages, etc. 

[d0nnivain]

Fine . . .physical means kissing cuddling etc. but still she needs the grand gesture sooner rather than later.  

[manfrombelow]

When a woman wants space, you give her the universe. 

She's just paving her ways before she eventually dumps you to monkey-branch to another chump.

[Yosemite]

15 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

She seemed very set on breaking up in my opinion - logically stating several other reasons why her feelings towards us as a couple had changed, but wasn't actually saying she wanted to break up.

What were the other reasons?

Why are you more focused on the ily part instead of the other reasons?

[elaine567]

I agree with d0nnivain, she wanted change, not a break up.
She wanted a declaration of love from you.
Reassurance. Some sign you loved her and did not want to lose her.
But you did the opposite.
Give her space and she will persuade herself you don't care one iota.

[turokturok5]

We met up and I told her I loved her and we both laid everything out on the table.  She said that it was everything she needed/wanted to hear and that everything we discussed was positive. We were hanging out for a few hours and everything seemed to return to normal - we were cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. I had to leave for work and asked her if I wanted to come back and stay over, but she has said that although everything was really positive, she is still a bit confused  because she was ready to break up before we initially talked and wants to take a few more days to think it over. I've told her how I feel, how much she means to me and that I want to make it work and am just letting her take some time to herself to think. She made it very clear that it would only take a few days and she'll get back to me. I'm a bit lost myself at this point. She said everything was positive and we were pretty much back to normal for the few hours we spent together afterwards and now she is saying she still needs some time to think and has given me a specific time frame which she needs to process her thoughts. Is this normal, should I just leave her alone till she contacts me?

[Fletch Lives]

Well, it's a shame that she wanted to stop seeing you due to the emergency. A couple need to see each other to stay in love in most cases. Perhaps she was already falling out of love and simply used the pandemic as an excuse not to see you. At any rate, i think this one is over, just going through the final death spins. You'll find another girlfriend.

[schlumpy]

My gut feeling is that she wants to break up but she wants to keep you in reserve. She was very careful with her wording and she understands you have a sympathetic and well meaning nature. She's trying to manipulate you for her own ends. What those ends are, I can only guess at.

Force the issue or hang around on her string until she makes up her mind. It's your time to waste.

[FMW]

Maybe the problem was two months of no physical contact.  I don't mean sex, I mean not seeing each other face to face, not being able to touch in any way.  Although I would think that after two years together you could sustain a separation of a few months.

I'm one of those people that needs regular physical contact or I start feeling disconnected and unsure about the relationship.  Add to that her not hearing what she needed from you to feel secure about where things stood between you, she started letting her mind dwell on things to support her growing discontent.

Now she's having a hard time dismissing all those negative thoughts.  It's possible those negative thoughts started longer ago than she's admitting, and this situation just pushed her over the line to taking action about it.  

I would probably give her those "few more" days and use the time to make sure about your own feelings.  Don't be pushed into saying or doing something just because you fear she'll break up with you.  May sure you really want and feel what you say/do.  

[turokturok5]

On 5/16/2020 at 7:01 AM, FMW said:

Maybe the problem was two months of no physical contact.  I don't mean sex, I mean not seeing each other face to face, not being able to touch in any way.  Although I would think that after two years together you could sustain a separation of a few months.

I'm one of those people that needs regular physical contact or I start feeling disconnected and unsure about the relationship.  Add to that her not hearing what she needed from you to feel secure about where things stood between you, she started letting her mind dwell on things to support her growing discontent.

Now she's having a hard time dismissing all those negative thoughts.  It's possible those negative thoughts started longer ago than she's admitting, and this situation just pushed her over the line to taking action about it.  

I would probably give her those "few more" days and use the time to make sure about your own feelings.  Don't be pushed into saying or doing something just because you fear she'll break up with you.  May sure you really want and feel what you say/do.  

You're completely right and she was one of those people who needed regular physical contact. Numerous times in the relationship she would bring up how she just loved the way I cuddled her when we slept and woke her up in the morning by leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. She also maintained how these actions were necessary to feel intimacy and a connection between us. And the thing that is driving me insane and making me really question if she is in a normal mental state, is because we have been separated for 2 months by something that was out of our control. We haven't been allowed that physical contact. She has acknowledged that the physical contact is really important to her and yet she feels disconnected from me after quarantine and can't explain why. My mind is screaming that if we just have a few days to be with eachother physically then these feelings will return. But she can't seem to make that connection...

[schlumpy]

28 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

You're completely right and she was one of those people who needed regular physical contact. .

Her philosophy of romance is "Love the One Your With?" That doesn't bode well for the future. When a relationship is under stress, that's when the true nature and character of the participants shine. Make sure you pay attention.