AHHHHHHH confusion!

[talespinner1977]

After I went through a divorce, I met a man who had also been married, he had a 7 year old at the time (she is now 16). We just had our 9th anniversary and I don’t know other than pure will how we have made it this far. He and I are so different on so many plains, from how we care for people to our styles, he is contemporary, I am whimsical.

We have worked through most of the issues over the years, except for his need to control. I was been independent long before I met him, and when he does this, he explains it as he is trying to help, now I can see how he sees this. He wants whomever he is around to have it the easiest way possible and have the best….that’s great. But just because he thinks something is easy for him doesn’t mean it is for others.

There are little things like this today: I had to take a supplement and asked for a drink of his protein milk,(which I never do)  he says, “when are we going shopping again, it’s all I have for two weeks.”

Now if the roles were reversed, I would have just let him had a drink. I don’t care, I can go get more if it helps him out. He makes a good wage, has money, we split the cost of groceries so why even say it?

When I try to do things on my own, like building a garden bed…even this morning cooking eggs he wanted to correct me because I didn’t use butter…..SERIOUSLY??? I told him to GO AWAY!

He needs to interject and try to tweak it and help me..it makes me feel incompetent in how he speaks, but he can’t hear himself when I try to help him see how it sounds.

He says holidays are stupid (I agree to some degree), he would rather do stuff during the year, fine…but it’s only once a year maybe twice he plans anything. I do it all. I love to spoil my partners, bring them gifts, their favorite things, but he doesn’t see a need for that, he gets nothing from that so why bother….it takes all the joy out of being in a relationship for me.

He doesn’t bring flowers; there is nothing about him that makes him want to go do external things. I am at the point, I buy my own now. He could come home every day, sit on the couch, eat a sandwich and be happy. I love hosting dinner parties and connecting with friends, but again he is not into those things. I am educated, he feels intimidated by this.

He is a good man and I am a good woman and we deserve happiness, but there is something missing, it’s like we speak different languages….our brains are so different in how we process information, I am a humanitarian and he doesn’t really like people, it’s really rough because we really love one another. We both get defensive when we talk, we both feel attacked even though we are both just trying to say how we feel.

He feels going to work and working around the house is going above and beyond, I told him that is baseline for me, those are things you just do as an adult. The romantic part of relationships take work as well, he got frustrated and doesn’t feel good enough. I told him he is investing his time in places he doesn’t need to, that could be used elsewhere….it feels never ending in the circle of dismay.

I am a great communicator and have never had this issue with anyone so I am baffled here. And he does this with everyone....at least it's not just me right? We have already tired counseling and still here we are, exhausted from each other.

And as I write this, I can see how painfully different we are.

Edited May 12, 2020 by talespinner1977

[chillii]

 

lt's a very tough one , sometimes two people are from such different places they'll never understand each other. But yet you've both hung in there and survived 9yrs . Do you still love each other ?

Don't really have any answers except that this is you and that is him and that's really just the way it is so apart from a few small wins along the way there's really probably not much you can shift in things. So l guess it becomes an is it enough do you want to go on and how much do we love each other thing ?

[MsJayne]

Kinda sounds like he's bordering on anti-social, and definitely sounds like he's very unromantic.  Can you get out and be more social on your own?  I'm not much of a party thrower so I relate to him not wanting people over for dinner, parties, and the like, but at the same time if you do like those things then you should be able to indulge your need for social interaction in your own home occasionally. Quite amazing that you've lasted 9 years putting up with this. 

[schlumpy]

You don't mention being married although there is the reference to an anniversary. Anniversary usually refers to an important event like marriage but in your case maybe it was when you first met? 

If you are not married, then that makes it much simpler to leave. It's pretty plain that he's satisfied and not interested in dancing to your tune. You are the one that wants more. He's got what he wants. He doesn't want dinner parties. He doesn't want to schmooze, make polite conversation about the weather or pretend he's having a good time when he's not.

You said you are the educated one. 

Tomorrow, how about going into his workplace and doing his job for the day? It should be a simple task for you considering you are educated and he isn't.

You were obviously made for better things. Allow your "partner" to melt back into the ranks of the unlettered. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Wow I am female and am with schlumpy.  Relationships are a two way street.  You sure spend a lot of energy thinking about his shortcomings.  What is your role in the impasse?  You don’t share 50% of the blame?  You claim to be a great communicator but communication is about understanding there are other communication styles than our own.

If you truly love him why not live in separate households and get together when you want to be together?

that way you both get to live life as individuals while still maintaining a relationship.

or if you are very unhappy then it is time to split up.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Lady...why...just...why?

Where is the upside?

[spiderowl]

I can see where you are coming from here.  You love him and the two of you are bonded but you seem incompatible.  He sounds unromantic and maybe a bit mean because he is not considering your needs.  You are not comfortable with his needs to be at home quiet and not to mingle or host.

There is another aspect too and I am not sure whether it is just me or genuinely the case but I feel he is the one in control of the situation here.  The way he wants things is what goes.  He feels the need to step in to correct you when you are doing something different to him.  I don't know how often he does this or if you do likewise in return.  Nevertheless, at some level you are aware he is controlling how both of you are living in the home.  I say 'in the home' because in theory if you like socialising you should be able to go out and socialise with friends.  I appreciate this is not the same as being a host and if you enjoy being a host and he won't let you, then that is a part of your personality you are having to sacrifice to be with him.

Are you actually enjoying being with this guy?  It is possible to love someone but not love the way they behave.  Loving someone does not mean you have to stay with them if you are unhappy.