He said he wanted to leave his wife and be together. then closed down

[SummerDreams]

There are two possible explanations about his behavior: a) (most possible) He regretted even talking about divorcing and being with you and he wants to take the relationship back to the status quo it used to be, you being the secret mistress who asks for nothing more than secret sex and some lunches. This is what suits him so he can have his cake and eat it too. b) He decided he can't leave his wife and kids but is not brave enough to tell you, so he starts acting cold in order for you to get tired and disgusted by him and leave him.

Either way, you are just there for his pleasure, he doesn't take you seriously. Wake up now and do yourself a favor and leave him for good. Have some dignity.

[Pumaza]

8 hours ago, MC75 said:

Thanks to everyone for all their replies...means so much to read them and to know that many people have been through this. We are supposed to have lunch tomorrow. I am scared but ready to say the words, do we have a future...will we ever be together...I don’t want to hear no but am prepared to. That is if he will respond with an actual answer. If he doesn’t say yes, I feel like it’s time to say that this is not enough for me anymore...I don’t want to go backwards. A few lunches a week and nights on business trips isn’t what I want..I want a life with him and if he doesn’t want the same it’s time to end it. I’m scared of how it will feel if it ends..I’ll be completely alone but I truly am already alone now. Thanks again to all who responded...

When was it enough for you?Because since you been with him its always been same way,him calling you when he wants pleasure because there was a argument at home. Being in affairs you are only being use . And its lust. If you let go of your desire thinking a few minutes, you will see you dont even wanna be with this guy.Its the atenttion and sexual exitement and big dreams that he is selling you,that keeps you exited.But its all fake. You need to take your own adult responsability and realice what is going on before he said it.

Beside this shows how he deal with hard times. He seek affairs.

What makes you think he wont do this to you to if he break his family for you.

His wife who he been with and he got kids with,are already going true this.How much more easy will it be for him to do same to you who he knows less years and met true a affair when things gets hard.

You are being part and reason  of hurt of a whole family and kids.

I hope you leave him,change job,and work on your self esteem. To see why you are easy and available to married man.Goodluck.

[elaine567]

Seems to me the "successful" OWs who get their man:- 
1)they are "lucky"or with good judgement have found a MM who actually does want to leave his marriage,
2)they have managed to force the issue by taking absolutely no BS excuses and making it clear day one they will not be strung along,
3)they hang around for so long (often years) that he eventually "comes to his senses" or "plucks up enough courage".
4)there is a Dday  and his wife chucks him out.
I am sure there are many other scenarios but it is rarely usually as simple as in "Man meets woman, they fall in love. Man leaves his wife -> happy ever after...."

Truth is men in affairs tend to enjoy being in affairs, making it "real" is never their intention, so they hem and haw, they prevaricate, they procrastinate,  all in the name of trying to maintain the status quo of having his wife and kids safe at home and happy, whilst he keeps a secret lover for distraction.
 

 

[Starswillshine]

He will likely tell you yes. And that likely will be a lie. One that he knows is a lie but he also realizes that if he says no, he will lose you. 

I think it is worth having the conversation, but I would not put stock in anything he says. He easily lies and spits them out daily. Basically anything he says is just that.... words. His actions show you who he really is and what he wants. Married and young the side knowing your place. 

[BaileyB]

He may actually even believe that he wants to leave his marriage and say yes, but he has shown by his actions that he is not prepared to follow through. And for that reason, whatever his answer, I wouldn’t believe it. 

[sandylee1]

How do you envisage a future with him? A nice clean divorce? An easy split of the assets? All smooth and plain sailing?

You playing stepmum?

The kids loving you?

A cooperative Ex wife?

This isn't worth the hassle. You'll find yourself being an emotional punch bag on the rare possibility that he does split up. 

 

He's probably connected better with her in lockdown and you're surplus to requirements, but he's gotten used to not having you over the weeks.

 

Find an available man, who doesn't make you his dirty little secret...you'll only get better if you show you deserve it and being the OW is not flattering at all.

 

Tell him until he leaves her, you'll be dating other men...if he can do it,  you can too. 

Don't accept his hypocrisy. 

[Luna66star]

Many MM and women stay in unhappy marriages and seek out an affair to cope with the stress. I'm afraid he's holding on to you to feel better.  You provide relief for his problems at home.

I might add that he may also care for you very much.

Men are hesitant to leave because of all the years they have invested, the kids, the home, the family relationships built, the finances. 

Unless she throws him out, he wont leave.  Divorce means splitting assets,  losing his home, kids  and possibly his wife getting half of his pension.  He's screwed unless he is Mr. Wealthy.

Logistically speaking, all this would be a huge blow to a man's ego and self-esteem.

He's not leaving and it's time for you to move on.  Find a single man who has more to offer you than empty promises that never amount to anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Beca L]

On 5/14/2020 at 10:58 AM, elaine567 said:

Seems to me the "successful" OWs who get their man:- 
1)they are "lucky"or with good judgement have found a MM who actually does want to leave his marriage,
2)they have managed to force the issue by taking absolutely no BS excuses and making it clear day one they will not be strung along,

Elaine567 great response. I used to think I was the lucky one who got her MM. He said he wanted to leave his marriage and he did. As you know from my thread it lasted a year but like others have said if MM doesn't deal with all the pain and heartache he has caused his family by leaving and be prepared to maybe live on their own for a while then the temptation to return to the family is very great. Also these BS are often not so happy to lie down and let the OW take their man, sometimes they will fight tooth and nail to get them back and this is also what you are up against. @MC75 I know from experience that as @SandyLee1 has stated it certainly isn't plain sailing and you will end up being his emotional crutch, punch bag and there will be very  little focus on you and your needs it will be all about him and his family, selling the family home, splitting assets and arguments, lots of them. It is an emotional roll a coaster. Let him leave, divorce, get his own place and live on his own a while. Then tell him to give you a call. Otherwise my advise would be to walk away and never look back. 

[mark clemson]

On 5/12/2020 at 5:41 PM, MC75 said:

About 6 weeks ago he contacted me late one night and said it had been an awful weekend at home...he missed me so much..and that he had had the opportunity to walk away but didn’t. He said he just could think about the kids.

On 5/15/2020 at 3:21 PM, sandylee1 said:

You playing stepmum? ... The kids loving you?

This point is worth re-iterating a bit i think. If they were to find out about the affair (and how could they not, sooner or later) there's a very good chance they will resent you, possibly quite intensely. Consider that, from their perspective, there is a high chance you may be seen as  "the person who broke up their family and caused their mother extreme distress", and treated accordingly. Even if the mom has some flaws (who doesn't) they are very likely to still love her, and many people, particularly kids, quite understandably feel that "someone who hurt my mom" can't be that great of a person. So, consider that if you were to "win" him and be together, you might be dealing with that issue for the long term. Doesn't sound particularly fun.

 

 

[JimmyNorth]

On 5/12/2020 at 5:41 PM, MC75 said:

Hello. I have been the other woman in an affair with a married man for over a year and a half. Things have been very intense for a long time. We work together and started off as just friends...after a year he was on a business trip and called me and said he couldn’t wait any longer to tell me about his feelings for me which of course I reciprocated. It just escalated from there. It’s been a year and 8 months of ups and downs, lunches, calls, messages, overnight trips...lots of highs and just as many lows. Many times we tried to end it..he would pull away out of guilt. There have been a couple instances where his wife found emails and was very suspicious but he talked his way out of it.

He would distance himself for a week or two but that was as long as it would last. He always came back quickly. On the occasion I would suggest ending it he would get angry, and say he didn’t want me to be with someone else. It had been especially good for the last 6 months. We were very close with lots of conversations about how much he wished we were together but he just couldn’t bring himself to leave especially because of the kids. As close as I’ve ever been to anyone. About 6 weeks ago he contacted me late one night and said it had been an awful weekend at home...he missed me so much..and that he had had the opportunity to walk away but didn’t. He said he just could think about the kids.

He said he was hoping she would just say I’m done, and he would agree and that would be that. He said he wanted us to be together but we couldn’t move in together right away. He said he had never experienced happiness and joy like he felt when he was with me. Over the next few days we had more detailed conversations about him leaving..financial stuff that he was concerned about, his home, credit cards. Getting a home together after a year had passed. I couldn’t believe that finally this might happen. Couple days later he said we needed to talk more but he wasn’t ready...he needed some time. He felt a little distant but said there was a lot going on.

Then we went through a 4 week period where we didn’t see each other due to working from home because of coronavirus. Our last day working together before this break he said he thought this break would be good for him to figure out his next steps. I did not do well...he was distant and things felt different. I tried multiple times to bring up the discussion that he said we needed to have...said I need to know what’s happening, even if I don’t like it I just need to know if something changed. He stonewalled me said he wasn’t ready to talk and would let me know when/if he was ready. There were a couple times he had the opportunity to possibly meet but he didn’t make it happen.

We went back to work yesterday. Things did happen between us at lunch but he felt like he has pulled back so far. There are references to us and what is between us but it’s like the conversations we had just 5-6 weeks ago never happened..but I can tell he still has the same feelings...has anything similar happened to anyone out there?

What does it mean that he won’t address what we talked about? I am a mess mentally about this situation. It makes me feel like I have lost my mind...Thank you for any replies...

Ha, Your MM sounds a lot like me, but in my case the Kids were not holding me back.

Want a sure fix that either ends it or keeps it? Start dating other men and let him know!! If he's at all possessive, sit back and watch him squirm and MAYBE make a final choice!

[lostandconfused21]

15 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Ha, Your MM sounds a lot like me, but in my case the Kids were not holding me back.

Want a sure fix that either ends it or keeps it? Start dating other men and let him know!! If he's at all possessive, sit back and watch him squirm and MAYBE make a final choice!

He is extremely possessive. I’m going on vacation in a few weeks by myself and he hates it. Jimmy North, since he sounds like you...what happened with you? How did things end up? Thanks 😊

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, MC75 said:

He is extremely possessive. I’m going on vacation in a few weeks by myself and he hates it. Jimmy North, since he sounds like you...what happened with you? How did things end up? Thanks 😊

Im now divorced and live full-time with my OW (now GF).

I’m considered a rare circumstance in the world of MM’s.

My story in a nutshell....I was a super hypocrite, still going home to my wife, but yet was one possessive MM. I was In love with my OW and made the move when she was starting to give up on us and explore other options with men.

Edited May 20, 2020 by JimmyNorth

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

I was In love with my OW and made the move when she was starting to give up on us and explore other options with men.

After stringing the woman along for THREE very long years... 

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

After stringing the woman along for THREE very long years... 

One of Biggest mistake I ever made. Other mistake was NOT divorcing earlier. I Messed with 2 women’s hearts 

[elaine567]

On 5/13/2020 at 1:41 AM, MC75 said:

Things did happen between us at lunch but he felt like he has pulled back so far. There are references to us and what is between us but it’s like the conversations we had just 5-6 weeks ago never happened..but I can tell he still has the same feelings...

YOU have the same feelings, you are projecting YOUR feelings onto him.
He has in fact pulled way back and is distant and doesn't want to talk about progressing the relationship...
Out of the intense affair bubble during lockdown, I guess he realised just how insane it would be to leave...
These guys don't usually want to be seen as the bad guy and leaving his wife and kids for another woman paints him as the bad guy.
I guess maintaining the status quo will be his objective now.
Once you start accepting crumbs then you will slip into the regular OW role
The future faking becomes less and less, he just carries on with his life,  he fits you in when he can, but as you are in love then you spend more and more time waiting for each crumb he decides to throw in your direction.

[JimmyNorth]

On 5/19/2020 at 5:36 PM, MC75 said:

He is extremely possessive. I’m going on vacation in a few weeks by myself and he hates it. Jimmy North, since he sounds like you...what happened with you? How did things end up? Thanks 😊

Have you or Would you consider starting to date single and available men to help move on from MM?

[TheRainbow]

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. 

[Cadburry]

On 5/20/2020 at 9:54 PM, JimmyNorth said:

One of Biggest mistake I ever made. Other mistake was NOT divorcing earlier. I Messed with 2 women’s hearts 

@JimmyNorth ,what made u decide that you have to finally divorce her and choose your OW? Sorry, I'm actually on the same situation with Mc75.. But the difference is, just to share, am not looking forward YET to winning my MM since am also a single mom who wants to focus more on my career & my only son, he's only 10.. And pls no judgement I just want to know what made u decide to leave her..In my case, I accepted him for who he is from the beginning and aware that it can be so complicated & hurtful everytime he is not with me.. They hve 3 kids & wife already knows he cheated but wife doesn't want to leave.. MM has lots of things to consider too which I understand,, (All were mentioned earlier ,like status quo,finances,kids,what would be the set up,,all relatives that will hate him & his parents too paying some of his bills up to now lol) I understand that BS.. My MM got no B****😅.. While me, on the other hand, stayed because I love d man..He is making all the efforts..He always makes d 1st move,, sending me messages , checking out on me,, He is the one visiting my place always..even if it's 2hrs travel from his place ,,after work, he'll stayed like for 6-hrs or sometimes he stayed then leave for work again.. His effort for travelling back en forth,, then coming to work with just 3hrs of sleep,,just being with me,, is the one of the reason until now,,am holding on to this MM,, his actions too when he is with me.. that what WE have is more than plain lust.. it's been 5yrs..though on & off but all the quarrelling starts with me whenever he's not with me & I started to being paranoid..We have serious conversation as well ..Making fun of what a rollercoaster life we're currently on..We are very open as to what might happen next.. We don't dwell much on what our situation is right now though it's really an ups & downs.. But I know,one day, it will end..Maybe...Or I don't know.. ( BDW my son is not with me that's why he can visit me.. Son is with my mom since am working in the City )Am not demanding my MM as well to leave the wife.. I am just curious why you came up with a tough decision.. Thank you in advance.. I just.. I just need to know what's on a MM mind especially if he truly loves the OW.😔

[JimmyNorth]

4 hours ago, Cadburry said:

@JimmyNorth ,what made u decide that you have to finally divorce her and choose your OW? Sorry, I'm actually on the same situation with Mc75.. But the difference is, just to share, am not looking forward YET to winning my MM since am also a single mom who wants to focus more on my career & my only son, he's only 10.. And pls no judgement I just want to know what made u decide to leave her..In my case, I accepted him for who he is from the beginning and aware that it can be so complicated & hurtful everytime he is not with me.. They hve 3 kids & wife already knows he cheated but wife doesn't want to leave.. MM has lots of things to consider too which I understand,, (All were mentioned earlier ,like status quo,finances,kids,what would be the set up,,all relatives that will hate him & his parents too paying some of his bills up to now lol) I understand that BS.. My MM got no B****😅.. While me, on the other hand, stayed because I love d man..He is making all the efforts..He always makes d 1st move,, sending me messages , checking out on me,, He is the one visiting my place always..even if it's 2hrs travel from his place ,,after work, he'll stayed like for 6-hrs or sometimes he stayed then leave for work again.. His effort for travelling back en forth,, then coming to work with just 3hrs of sleep,,just being with me,, is the one of the reason until now,,am holding on to this MM,, his actions too when he is with me.. that what WE have is more than plain lust.. it's been 5yrs..though on & off but all the quarrelling starts with me whenever he's not with me & I started to being paranoid..We have serious conversation as well ..Making fun of what a rollercoaster life we're currently on..We are very open as to what might happen next.. We don't dwell much on what our situation is right now though it's really an ups & downs.. But I know,one day, it will end..Maybe...Or I don't know.. ( BDW my son is not with me that's why he can visit me.. Son is with my mom since am working in the City )Am not demanding my MM as well to leave the wife.. I am just curious why you came up with a tough decision.. Thank you in advance.. I just.. I just need to know what's on a MM mind especially if he truly loves the OW.😔

In my situation, the love in my marriage had evaporated. For 4 years my OW was giving me love the way I always wanted in my life.

So why did I wait so long to commit to my OW....? For the most part, I was simply stuck in my own mind living a double life. I was really loving my OW, but was too much of a coward to make that move. My OW was sticking around no natter what, so I figured no rush. However, I was blind to the fact that my OW was hurting. She would tell me things during our affair that she was lonely and hurt, but I figured she would be ok and stick around for me.

After 4 years of my OW being lonely and sad, it took a toll on her. She started to explore other options. But even while she met other men, she could not drop me. When I found out she was serious and talking to other men, I flipped out and decided to commit to her. I knew I loved her so I just had to make the move.

I knew I was a MM but I wanted to be my OW king, so allowing her to date and see other men was out of the question. She was so happy when I committed and she’s been an absolute dream.

I hope I was able to offer some insight from this MM’s Point of view. Most MM’s get as jealous as an H does. We usually want to own our OW, as hypocritical that sounds. 

[Cadburry]

Thank you @JimmyNorth,, I guess I'll try that. To entertain others eyeing on me so I can have options too just incase I can no longer take all the hurts & if am already ready to settle then I'd ask him to decide.. Cause right now, am considering their kids too.. I know it's contrary on what am doing having an A with MM yet still wants to consider not hurting his kids too.. but they're still young..It's very very hard.. Am exactly at that same situation as what u described with ur OW who suffers & I have to deal with it alone.. 😔..I IguessI just need the courage to decide too as to what I really want to do with him..A lot of things to consider.. Thank you again for sharing..

[BaileyB]

Has he not already decided? His affair was discovered, and he decided to stay. His wife is aware that she has a cheating husband and she has decided to stay. The only thing that is unclear to me is whether she is aware that your relationship has continued post discovery? 

I feel like five years is a long time to be in an affair if he has any intention of leaving his family. If ever he was going to leave, I would expect it to be after the affair was discovered. The fact that he considered all the variables, and decided to stay with his family says a lot. 

Can you consider the financial cost of divorce and the child support that he will be required to pay for three young children. You write that his parents pay some of his bills - how will he manage when his assets are divided, he is required to pay child support for three children, and perhaps spousal support to his wife? Can you consider it - because I can not. 



 

[lostandconfused21]

Well it’s been almost a couple months since my original post. We did eventually have a discussion towards the end of May about us. He said nothing is changing right now and even though he knows it’s selfish he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He said he would be far happier with me as a partner and that we are a better fit. But right now he just can’t do anything. In the meantime I went on a beach trip with my best friend and he almost lost his mind with jealousy. Constant messages wanting to know what I was doing, where we were. He was sulky and unreasonable. One night on the trip he sent me a message that was sincere and said everything is so complicated..I want simple and this is not...said he was so confused and that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants me in his life but he can’t figure out how to do it. 
it feels good to hear that but then reality is...I’m still alone every night. Every weekend. And I want to be with him all the time. I want a regular life. How do I do it, how do I make a break if he isn’t going to do what needs to be done to be together😔

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, MC75 said:

Well it’s been almost a couple months since my original post. We did eventually have a discussion towards the end of May about us. He said nothing is changing right now and even though he knows it’s selfish he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He said he would be far happier with me as a partner and that we are a better fit. But right now he just can’t do anything. In the meantime I went on a beach trip with my best friend and he almost lost his mind with jealousy. Constant messages wanting to know what I was doing, where we were. He was sulky and unreasonable. One night on the trip he sent me a message that was sincere and said everything is so complicated..I want simple and this is not...said he was so confused and that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants me in his life but he can’t figure out how to do it. 
it feels good to hear that but then reality is...I’m still alone every night. Every weekend. And I want to be with him all the time. I want a regular life. How do I do it, how do I make a break if he isn’t going to do what needs to be done to be together😔

You are going to have to start dating other men to get him to make a move. You staying single for him keeps him from making any real moves because he knows he "has you"!

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, MC75 said:

He said nothing is changing right now and even though he knows it’s selfish he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He said he would be far happier with me as a partner and that we are a better fit. But right now he just can’t do anything.  

If he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen. As far as I’m concerned, this whole “he would be far happier with me as his partner but he just can’t make it happen right now...” is just typical married man talk. And, the whole “I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to date anyone else while I chose to stay with my wife” crap is just that - total BS. I would have ZERO patience for this. 

Quote

I want a regular life. How do I do it, how do I make a break if he isn’t going to do what needs to be done to be together😔

If you want a regular life you had best find yourself a man who doesn’t have a wife. Seriously. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. You are pining for a man who doesn’t care enough about you to make the decisions that would be required to be together. He has told you everything you need to know... in your own words, he isn’t going to do what needs to be done to be together. 

A good man is not so difficult to find that you need to put your life on hold and stay with this guy. There is nothing so wonderful about this particular guy that should make you do that - he’s cheating on his wife and he’s putting his own needs ahead of your wellbeing. Seriously, don’t waste your life waiting for a man who tells you he loves you out of one side of his mouth and then says he’s not leaving his wife out the other. You will regret it, more than you will ever know someday...

Edited June 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 hours ago, MC75 said:

Well it’s been almost a couple months since my original post. We did eventually have a discussion towards the end of May about us. He said nothing is changing right now and even though he knows it’s selfish he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He said he would be far happier with me as a partner and that we are a better fit. But right now he just can’t do anything. In the meantime I went on a beach trip with my best friend and he almost lost his mind with jealousy. Constant messages wanting to know what I was doing, where we were. He was sulky and unreasonable. One night on the trip he sent me a message that was sincere and said everything is so complicated..I want simple and this is not...said he was so confused and that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants me in his life but he can’t figure out how to do it. 
it feels good to hear that but then reality is...I’m still alone every night. Every weekend. And I want to be with him all the time. I want a regular life. How do I do it, how do I make a break if he isn’t going to do what needs to be done to be together😔

Sometimes people only tell you the truth they think will make themselves look acceptable/OK in your eyes and give them the best chance to continue with you.  I once dated someone who told me his wife died in a car wreck and he was a widower, but in fact he was divorced and she was very much alive and remarried.  He said he found widower to be less "embarrassing" than having been divorced.  (He also said he had no clue she was still alive and that her family had told him she was killed in a car wreck after his divorce, which of course begs more questions about why her family would cover for her that way, but my point is, people will tell you whatever they want you to believe to make themselves more desirable in their eyes).