Rad51 Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 So... I (late 20s male) have kept in touch with a girl (early 20s) for almost 5 years. Both of us have been in/out of relationships over the years. About 4 weeks ago her and I decided to finally hang out. We rode my motorcycle and had a great time. Such a great time that we kept in touch and decided to hangout again. Since then we have been together almost every day, a lot of times staying the night together. We’ve kissed, have sex, and talk almost as if we are in a committed relationship. About weeks I decided to ask her if she wanted to commit. Ya know, call it a relationship. Well to my surprise she said “no”. I asked her why and she said she wasn’t ready. That she didn’t want to rush things. At that time I let I go. I’ll just keep doing what we are doing. Another 2 weeks has gone by and not much has changed. We still see each other almost every day. I’ll admit that we say we “love” each other but it’s not the kind of love that you would think. More friendly. One we were both a little Tipsy and I brought it up again. I got the same answer. “No” I pressed the issue more this time. What she is telling me that when she gets into a relationship she is all in and she not ready for that. She also says this is her year to make her own choices. She does say things to me like well work out, she misses being over, she also says “I hate feeling this attached” She is on her phone a lot. She has a lot of guy friends. I think she might even hang out with some. I’ve even asked her if we call it exclusive. She said “no” I told her it would make me feeling better if we just agreed to not see anyone else. She said that’s the same as being in relationship and she’s not ready for that. She has told me that she’s not talking or seeing anyone else. I’m hoping to get advice or thoughts on why she won’t commit and what I should do. Why won’t she commit? Do I believe she’s just not ready? Is there really someone else? How long should I wait? Do I put my foot down? Any input is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 She’s playing the field. The relationship means more to you than her. She’s just having fun but leaving her options open which means you may not be the one. You seem to be chasing which can push them away. I suspect you keep pushing she’ll break it off but I doubt you’ll stop. You’ve asked twice and got no both times. What do you not get? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 17 minutes ago, Rad51 said: She is on her phone a lot. She has a lot of guy friends. I think she might even hang out with some. Other interests besides you I’ve even asked her if we call it exclusive. She said “no” I told her it would make me feeling better if we just agreed to not see anyone else. She said that’s the same as being in relationship and she’s not ready for that. She has told me that she’s not talking or seeing anyone else. Shes not going to tell you. Her attitude says it’s none of your business. I’m hoping to get advice or thoughts on why she won’t commit and what I should do. Why won’t she commit? Do I believe she’s just not ready? Is there really someone else? How long should I wait? Do I put my foot down? You can’t make her commit but you keep up the needy/clingy pestering she’ll probably dump you. If it’s just a good time with no strings attached you either accept it or move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 Yeah she is doing the same things with at least one other guy, or still holding out hope she can reconnect with an ex. There is a good chance that she views you as Mr. Right now with no desire for a relationship with you. If it's fun and you enjoy the sex then do so safely but don't expect it to be more. If you want a relationship then you're likely wasting your time with this girl. Cut her off and move on. Whatever you do, dont keep doing the same and expecting her to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 Hang out with her, have fun, and sex. She has told you where she stands, you can't push, just accept. Just keep spending time together and doing what you have been doing, if she wants a relationship she will let you know Seems like she is spending a lot of time with you so just go with it Stop pushing her, stop bringing up relationship talk. She is not there, just keep doing what you are doing and enjoy the time you spend with her If you don't like that then stop seeing her. You should probably start dating other women so you do not become that attached to her She is seeing other guys so you should see other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 Regardless of if she's seeing other guys (near-certain) she won't commit to you because your need to lock her down is actually really unattractive. It conveys scarcity, neediness, and insecurity. "The talk" is something that happens organically after the relationship has progressed to a certain point of intimacy and closeness. You're trying to force it as a reassurance for yourself. Ideally, the woman is the one who brings up the talk. She'll ask "what are we?" or "are you seeing anyone else?" or say something like "I'm just not sure what this is" but she usually won't outright ask "will you be my boyfriend?" That's still kind your job to propose that, but she'll send the signals when she wants something more. Don't bring it up to her again. She made her wishes clear, respect her boundaries. Date other women so you won't get so needy with this one. Have a 'take it or leave it' approach to this. If you can be the least needy, most attractive guy in her rotation, sooner or later, she'll narrow down to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 Have you no options? Aren't you also dating other women? If not, then she has on the shelf right where you wants you. This won't end well for you and it is your fault. If you want a relationship why are you spending time with someone who says they don't want one? Take your romantic intentions to someone that will reciprocate. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 If it took five years to get together, she's just not that into you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 You are something to do because she's bored. She's not as into you as you are to her. She's happy to stick around & have NSA sex but you want more from her -- like a relationship -- she's gonna bolt. If you want commitment, she's not your girl. It's OK for you to not want to be her toy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 I don't know what you mean "should I put my foot down". Either you accept the terms of this relationship, or you walk away. You cannot force her to commit to you if she does not want to. She doesn't want to be exclusive. That means that she wants to keep her options open. She probably does have other guys on her radar who she might be interested in. If having someone commit to you is so important, then this probably isn't the girl for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 18 hours ago, Rad51 said: Why won’t she commit? Do I believe she’s just not ready? Is there really someone else? How long should I wait? Do I put my foot down? Any input is appreciated. If by "put your foot down" you mean reject her terms & walk away because you want more than she's willing to give, sure go ahead. Understand, if you give her an ultimatum -- exclusivity or nothing -- she's gonna pick show you the door. She is only interested in having sex with you on her terms -- without commitment or exclusivity. If that doesn't sit well with you, then you are well within your rights to walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: If by "put your foot down" you mean reject her terms & walk away because you want more than she's willing to give, sure go ahead. Understand, if you give her an ultimatum -- exclusivity or nothing -- she's gonna pick show you the door. She is only interested in having sex with you on her terms -- without commitment or exclusivity. If that doesn't sit well with you, then you are well within your rights to walk away. I'm not sure that's the case. She could see him as potential a life partner but she may not be attracted to him, still wants to hang out with other guys or ready for that level of commitment. If that's true (and this happens often) she may accept and commit to him in words only. Either way it's a bad idea to try and force her hand. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 Most women have a guy they're crushing on and pursuing slowly when they have opportunity so it could be that. Or she could just know that you are not the one. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted May 14, 2020 Share Posted May 14, 2020 (edited) There really isn't any need to ask the why to be honest. I would just take it that she doesn't want to be in a relationship either with you or in general. Relationships require work, effort, maintenance and accountability, and perhaps she's not in that phase in her life where she wants to put focus and energy towards maintaining one. Or perhaps she just isn't into you that way. No one can tell. There really is no "putting your foot" down so to speak. You either accept it for what it is, i.e. a causal, NSA friends with benefits arrangement or move on to someone else who is ready and wants the same things as you. You have asked twice and she has said no each time and gave you reasons or rather her viewpoints on why not. There's no point pushing it. Edited May 14, 2020 by assertives 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 17, 2020 Share Posted May 17, 2020 (edited) She says “No”. What this means is, she wants to be free to f*** whoever and whenever she wants too. She likes being with you but she is not in love with you. Contrary to popular belief, most people that start falling in love want an exclusive relationship with that person. This isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of commitment. OP, find another girl to hang out with. Your girlfriend isn’t into you at all. She is just keeping you on the hook until her mr right comes along. Edited May 17, 2020 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 17, 2020 Share Posted May 17, 2020 Put your foot down on yourself. You need to walk because you already have your answer....TWICE!...time to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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