WildMoonChild Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 (edited) I think I'm really just trying to wrap my brain around the why. I met the guy I've been seeing for almost 3 years this June on a dating site close to a year after I lost my husband of 23 years. We have an amazing connection. The problem is what I led to believe was the fear of being in a committed relationship ended up being a girlfriend situation. What I find so odd about it as he met us around the same time. When we started having issues ( mostly because I was still messed up after losing my husband and slightly neurotic) he told me to walk away. Then then text me 2 days later. We've been seeing each other at least once a month ever since. We just can't seem to stay away from each other. So complicated. It's not always sex. Sometimes he takes me to breakfast or lunch. We just chat. Standing outside and made out in parking lots in full view. He was that instant fall in love guy. Caught me completely off-guard and I was so deep in by the time I found out the girlfriend existed I didn't know how to extricate myself. I spend more time trying to figure out how his brain works than why I'm still here. I do feel guilty. I have never been cheated on or been a cheater. I was happily married 23 years before I suddenly lost my partner. Why would a guy start a relationship with one woman, meet another one and stay in both for the same amount of time. I guess I'm really interested in a guy's perspective. If this was just sex I would go with the obvious answer but it's not. I did tell him he made the right choice picking her because I was such a Trainwreck when we first got together. But I said that doesn't count now because I'm not anymore. I'm constantly pulled in both directions. I haven't stopped my life. I have a “boyfriend” ( I use that term loosely, we see each other regularly but fairly open ended ) who is aware of the relationship. I was upfront and honest about being unwilling to give it up. It makes it very difficult to being fully present in other relationships. Not moving on, not getting much traction in this entanglement. I am certainly in love with him. I'm not one for ultimatums. I also know I'm the feral independent girl most guys fear. I don't need him. I just own loving him. This is a weird spot to be in. And I honestly don't ever see myself leaving but I don't feel like being that girl. Edited May 13, 2020 by WildMoonChild Typos Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, WildMoonChild said: This is a weird spot to be in. And I honestly don't ever see myself leaving but I don't feel like being that girl. First things first, I’m very sorry that you lost your husband. But in all honesty, these are your choices - leave and build your own life or stay and “be that girl.” I know what I would do, I would most definitely excuse myself from this love triangle. I want a man who loves me and commits to be with me, anything less than that and I will not be staying around... But, that’s just me. I don’t subscribe to the “he is so wonderful“ and “our connection is just so amazing” that I’m willing to overlook or forgive his bad behavior/the fact that he’s in another relationship/anything else that women tend to excuse in the name of “love.” You say that you are not giving him up, but does this relationship meet your needs? Do you have children, what do they think of this situation? Obviously, your “boyfriend” accepts the presence of this other man in your life. How do you think the loss of your husband has influenced your willingness to accept this situation? What do you want for your future? I’m full of questions... Edited May 13, 2020 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 Its common for women who have lost a husband to build walls or place limitations on subsequent relationships. It could be that you're choosing to stay involved with him because subconsciously you know it's not going anywhere and at the same time keeping you from building other relationships. Grief has no time limit, just because you met a guy that got you going doesn't mean you were ready, or that you're even ready at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2020 Share Posted May 13, 2020 (edited) ^^^ That’s exactly what I was thinking. I can’t really imagine any other reason why a woman who has had such a long and fullfilling relationship would be willing to settle for anything less. And this, is considerably less... It’s practically nothing at all. Counselling would be a good plan, if you haven’t done any counselling already. Edited May 13, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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