Absurd Shameful Breakup Behavior

[Brymicp]

A little over 2-wks ago my now ex-girlfriend of nearly a year dumped me. At first I handled it with composure, but then over the phone I completely lost my sh*t and to say I feel like a rotten human being is an understatement. I blew up her phone incessantly the night of the breakup, told her I was coming down to her apartment to grab my things - she lives a good 40-minutes away. This freaked her out, with me telling her I was coming down there - even though I never left home - coupled with the barrage of phone calls, she said she was “spoked,” and “fearful.” I understand and have learned that no one should tell someone else that how they feel or what they’re feeling is justified, but it hurt seeing how quickly she feared me from a physical standpoint. I never once raised my voice at her in person, never showed any physicality, so maybe I’m just lacking retrospect to also see outside myself in that a night of behavior could override nearly a year of established behavior with someone...Anyhow I did what was probably the most shameful thing, I DM’d her ex and shared something with him that she wasn’t truthful about - regarding finances. I’m Ill at the thought that I lost control of my emotions/anxieties to the point that I did something merely out of spite, that did not involve my affairs or my business and had nothing to do with me, her or our now defunct relationship. 

Where I stand now...I wholeheartedly realize my wrongs and my faults in all of this. I truly feel a lot of remorse and I’ve apologized and expressed all this to her via text. I got a response just the other day, that she’s forgiven me but that she feels I crossed the line, harassed her and that she “legitimately feared me.” There is no coming back from this right? It’s not necessarily that I even hope to salvage the relationship but am I right in sensing that my repulsive behavior damaged things to the point that a friendship doesn’t even look to be a possibility. Just the mere thought of all this is gut wrenching, knowing that while we had our disconnects as a couple, I feel as though we would’ve thrived as friends. I guess I should also be presuming from a woman’s perspective, that this behavior is enough to repel someone from even wanting to consider being friends?

[assertives]

 

38 minutes ago, Brymicp said:

a night of behavior could override nearly a year of established behavior with someone

I once heard someone say that you'd only truly know what a person is like during a breakup. How they deal with rejection and carried themselves after the end of an intimate relationship says alot more about what they are made of than during the relationship. You may have treated her well during the relationship, but your outburst, desire to hurt in retaliation out of spite post breakup would probably have a more lasting and damaging impact. Especially since she said she legitimately feared you. To you, you may think your past behaviours serves as good track record, but to her, it may probably be more more like she doesn't know/recognize who you really are anymore.

As a female, I would not want to stay friends with an ex who exhibited those post-breakup behaviours. I may be friendly or cordial, but it would not be anything more than hi and bye friends if it ever gets to that stage. I wouldn't ever be able to trust someone who have taken information that I shared in confidence with them and used it to hurt me out of spite in retaliation over the end of a relationship.

I'd say just leave it alone and go NC. Don't try to push the friends thing. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, then it doesn't. Just learn from it and work on how to be a better version of you for your next relationship.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Brymicp said:

it hurt seeing how quickly she feared me from a physical standpoint. I never once raised my voice at her in person, never showed any physicality

I don't know how you behaved in the relationship, so this is a generic statement about fear in a relationship:  A person doesn't need to be raise their voice or be physical to be scary.  Have a look at some of the scariest characters on screen - one of the things most have in common is a very calm voice while scaring the pants off you.  My sister's ex who was emotionally abusive, never ever raised his voice.  To him, the absolute control of his voice was probably akin to his control of her.  

I'm not making assumptions about anything you've done and I'm certainly not comparing you to a bunny boiler.   But if she's scared of you, look at what you've said rather than how you said it.  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Brymicp said:

There is no coming back from this right? It’s not necessarily that I even hope to salvage the relationship but am I right in sensing that my repulsive behavior damaged things to the point that a friendship doesn’t even look to be a possibility. Just the mere thought of all this is gut wrenching, knowing that while we had our disconnects as a couple, I feel as though we would’ve thrived as friends. I guess I should also be presuming from a woman’s perspective, that this behavior is enough to repel someone from even wanting to consider being friends?

I don't think so, no. 

Your relationship was already done, but that probably closed the door for good for any sort of friendly contact. Some bells just can't be unrung. And maybe it's for the best that it all ends here. You won't harbour false hope, and you won't try to hang to the idea of friendship when it probably isn't best for you anyway. 

Our of curiosity, why did she break up with you? 

[Rex12]

Hey OP; I think all you can do with this is learn from your mistakes and should you find yourself in a similar position in the future, never let it happen again.

It's difficult to control the flood of feelings that engulf you when you're rejected but it is possible. A tried & trusted method is to spill all the bile, anger & resentment into a letter you never send. You did the right thing in apologizing, hopefully, your ex will realize you were in a highly emotional state and not your usual self, but just leave it now.

You probably won't end up on a friendly basis with your ex and whilst that hurts at the moment, it's probably for the best for all parties. Some things you just can't get forget. Take the medicine and start to move on. Good luck.

 

[elaine567]

Family will often give you chance after chance, you can act out, you can say some terrible things, you can even scare them but they will likely forgive you and life goes on.
But women you are dating once they are done are done and if in the process of the break up, you have scared them, then they are unlikely to want anything to do with you ever again.
Women in general run the risk every day of getting physically hurt by a man. Men are strong and one punch can kill a woman.
Most  women suss out pretty quickly the limits of their man and are not spending their lives in fear.
She knows he will not hurt her. She trusts him not to hurt her
That night you crossed the line and scared her and she is not likely to forget that in a hurry.
You need to move on, you cannot fix this.

[MissBee]

14 hours ago, Brymicp said:

A little over 2-wks ago my now ex-girlfriend of nearly a year dumped me. At first I handled it with composure, but then over the phone I completely lost my sh*t and to say I feel like a rotten human being is an understatement. I blew up her phone incessantly the night of the breakup, told her I was coming down to her apartment to grab my things - she lives a good 40-minutes away. This freaked her out, with me telling her I was coming down there - even though I never left home - coupled with the barrage of phone calls, she said she was “spoked,” and “fearful.” I understand and have learned that no one should tell someone else that how they feel or what they’re feeling is justified, but it hurt seeing how quickly she feared me from a physical standpoint. I never once raised my voice at her in person, never showed any physicality, so maybe I’m just lacking retrospect to also see outside myself in that a night of behavior could override nearly a year of established behavior with someone...Anyhow I did what was probably the most shameful thing, I DM’d her ex and shared something with him that she wasn’t truthful about - regarding finances. I’m Ill at the thought that I lost control of my emotions/anxieties to the point that I did something merely out of spite, that did not involve my affairs or my business and had nothing to do with me, her or our now defunct relationship. 

Where I stand now...I wholeheartedly realize my wrongs and my faults in all of this. I truly feel a lot of remorse and I’ve apologized and expressed all this to her via text. I got a response just the other day, that she’s forgiven me but that she feels I crossed the line, harassed her and that she “legitimately feared me.” There is no coming back from this right? It’s not necessarily that I even hope to salvage the relationship but am I right in sensing that my repulsive behavior damaged things to the point that a friendship doesn’t even look to be a possibility. Just the mere thought of all this is gut wrenching, knowing that while we had our disconnects as a couple, I feel as though we would’ve thrived as friends. I guess I should also be presuming from a woman’s perspective, that this behavior is enough to repel someone from even wanting to consider being friends?

Part of truly being remorseful is centering the other person and not yourself.

You're basically mainly concerned about whether or not she will be friends with you, which isn't for her benefit, but yours.

Many people have acted shamefully post-breakup or even during relationships and I understand the regret. I've done things I've regretted, but part of being sorry was that I accepted that how I behaved may have changed things and if I wronged the other person, I left the ball in their court to decide what they later wanted. 

All you can do is give her space and to focus on how going forward you can learn from this and not do that again next time. If a friendship is possible it will happen, and if not, well, I think at some point you'll forgive yourself and move forward with more acceptance.

Edited May 13, 2020 by MissBee

[scooby-philly]

OP

Sorry for the lasting pain and wondering of "what if". It's funny. I've had 3 ltrs not work out. The first and the most recent I was dumped. The middle one I was the dumper. With the first one I was just sad. Maybe I should have been angry but I was really heartbroken and never had a ltr fail before so I was just managing myself. With the last one, even though it was not as long as the first and the consequences of the split were not as major, I was angry. I did say some things that maybe I shouldn't have said. But in reality, what the other poster said about you not knowing someone till you see them go through a breakup, it's true. But a relationship is two parties - so remember that this particular ex probably wasn't great through the breakup either. I mean, you didn't share the whole story of the relationship or the breakup. But I cannot imagine she was flawless through it all. I know with the last one for me, she dumped me over text and IM after almost two years. And two years when I did 99.5% of the work and sacrificing. Now, lesson learned for me on a lot of fronts, but my anger was justifiable to a certain extant because of her behavior and handling of things. That said, I don't have any regrets. I mean, I didn't threaten her (And I've never struck a woman a day in my life anyway) and I didn't blow her phone up or start hounding her friends and family. But I was angry and I did say somethings that, honestly, I probably should have said to myself a long time before that to unattach myself from the relationship.

So - take what lessons you can from this and just move on. If you're sorry then don't bug her. As people pointed out - even though you may really be a knight in shining armor, you scared her (and that may be more with her personal history than a reflection of you) - so let it go. If she reaches out to you then you can apologize again. Otherwise, move on.

[Brymicp]

I just want to say thank you all for taking the time out to respond and share your own personal experiences, struggles, thoughts and opinions; all of it is greatly appreciated. I've continued to struggle to take my mind off of her off of the fallout that occurred as the result of my poor behaviors. It's been about 2 1/2 weeks but it feels so much longer, I struggle each day to pick the phone up and attempt to reach out with a call or a text, but I know that that isn't the right thing to do - which I think is about the only thing keeping me from doing so. Although it really is irrelevant in the big scheme of things, I can't help but think that I've simply just faded away, that she's just simply forgot about me - again though, I know that doesn't really matter. I've essentially created this mess but I've realized it's out of my hands now, no matter how much of an urge or how compelled to reach out I simply can't do that to her and I'm certain its not wanted. Again, thank you all for your input. 

[ShyViolet]

After the things you did, I don't think there's any chance of you remaining friends with her.  You can just forget about that.  And trying to reach out to her again would be very inappropriate.  You need to leave her alone and move on.  It's at least a good sign that you are admitting and recognizing that what you did was wrong.  All you can do is learn from all this, and never let it happen again.

[Brymicp]

On 5/13/2020 at 12:48 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think so, no. 

Your relationship was already done, but that probably closed the door for good for any sort of friendly contact. Some bells just can't be unrung. And maybe it's for the best that it all ends here. You won't harbour false hope, and you won't try to hang to the idea of friendship when it probably isn't best for you anyway. 

Our of curiosity, why did she break up with you? 

As for why she broke up with me, well, she said that she just didn't feel the "spark" that she was looking for. It was baffling but to an extent I understand, she said that I had "a lot of good qualities" that she had never found before and a lot of good things going for me but that she just couldn't find that "spark." She told me at one point that this may be something she ends up regretting, which isn't really any consolation. The fact remains though that I've created the state of things and I think I've done irreparable damage. Somehow I want to believe that all the great times and the good qualities of characteristics of me will eventually override that night, but I think that's probably more me living in a fantasy than coming to truth with the reality of things. Thanks for your input and response. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've been on the receiving end of behavior such as this (and I've also acted in this manner, regrettably), and yeah.....there's no REAL coming back from it.  Not in the way you're hoping.  Civility can return, but not any kind of deep connection.