Stuck in Marriage

[Steve Blakeley]

I've been married for nearly 25 years, but not sure I ever truly loved my wife. We both love our 3 kids, and I know a lot of people wish they could have such a great family. The kids are almost grown (the youngest will be in college in two years). I fantasize about leaving all the time; but I know that it would deeply hurt her, and it would undermine us financially after years of sacrifice. 

I haven't had an affair.  I have had what I read were called "micro affairs" -- things like meeting attractive female friends for lunch or coffee. I have also played around in strip clubs, where there's been sexual contact but no intercourse (I wouldn't do that with a stripper even if single). 

It might be crazy to throw away my marriage and hurt my wife & family. But I can't keep living like this and don't want to have an affair behind her back. 

[alphamale]

if you divorce your wife are you sure that you would be able to easily attract young and attractive women?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Why marry her and use up years of her life, if you never really loved her??

[Steve Blakeley]

I liked her and was ready to have a wife and kids. I thought there was a good foundation and that our love would grow. Unfortunately it went the other way; she became less warm and affectionate instead of more...

[Steve Blakeley]

I am sure that I could date attractive women. They don't really have to be younger than my wife.  This isn't a mid-life crisis; I just want someone who takes care of herself, shares my interests, and is affectionate & loving. 

[alphamale]

8 minutes ago, Steve Blakeley said:

 I just want someone who takes care of herself, shares my interests, and is affectionate & loving. 

good luck finding that in the 50+ dating pool

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, alphamale said:

good luck finding that in the 50+ dating pool

So negative. 

My father found himself single later in life after the death of my mother. He did not lack for options... Your wish list is not unreasonable, and I would argue that your children are old enough to survive the divorce of their parents. If you are truly unhappy and pretty much decided, I’m not sure that I would wait...why delay the inevitable? It seems pretty unfair to me, to be going on lunch dates with other women. Your wife may not be the best match for you, but you chose her and you chose to have children together. I don’t know that she deserves this...

Edited May 13, 2020 by BaileyB

[schlumpy]

You are contemplating following your emotions instead of working with your wife to make things more satisfactory. You seem quite sure that after you walk through the fire (and it will be intense) that the grass Is greener on the other side. For your sake, I hope that's true.

To ease you conscience and grease the wheels make an effort to work with your wife. Lay out what you expect and see if she will comply. You may be surprised that she has own laundry list to lay on the table.

If this doesn't work, then divorce and move on. Give her a generous settlement. Try to make up for stealing 25 years of her life. 

[pepperbird]

3 hours ago, Steve Blakeley said:

I've been married for nearly 25 years, but not sure I ever truly loved my wife. We both love our 3 kids, and I know a lot of people wish they could have such a great family. The kids are almost grown (the youngest will be in college in two years). I fantasize about leaving all the time; but I know that it would deeply hurt her, and it would undermine us financially after years of sacrifice. 

I haven't had an affair.  I have had what I read were called "micro affairs" -- things like meeting attractive female friends for lunch or coffee. I have also played around in strip clubs, where there's been sexual contact but no intercourse (I wouldn't do that with a stripper even if single). 

It might be crazy to throw away my marriage and hurt my wife & family. But I can't keep living like this and don't want to have an affair behind her back. 

okay, first off. drop the "micorchetaing" nonsense. You have cheated don your wife. I doubt, if asked, she would see the difference.
secondly, you are at a fork in the road here. Before you make any decisions, really consider what's going on.
When did you realize you never really loved your wife? Please define "love". What do you mean? If you're talking about "butterflies" and that sort of thing, that's not love, at least, not mature love.
Really think of all this through, and please, talk to your wife. Don't do the things so many do of where they sort all this out int heir own mind and then spring it on their unsuspecting spouse.

[pepperbird]

48 minutes ago, Steve Blakeley said:

I am sure that I could date attractive women. They don't really have to be younger than my wife.  This isn't a mid-life crisis; I just want someone who takes care of herself, shares my interests, and is affectionate & loving. 

I wonder what your wife would have to say if we were to hear her side of the story. Have you consistently ( not always, no one can do that) been loving to her?

[pepperbird]

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So negative. 

My father found himself single later in life after the death of my mother. He did not lack for options... Your wish list is not unreasonable, and I would argue that your children are old enough to survive the divorce of their parents. If you are truly unhappy and pretty much decided, I’m not sure that I would wait...why delay the inevitable? It seems pretty unfair to me, to be going on lunch dates with other women. Your wife may not be the best match for you, but you chose her and you chose to have children together. I don’t know that she deserves this...

I just hope he doesn't monkey branch and then, when he's got his life sorted and has lined up a  safe place to fall, suddenly he'll let his wife kin on what he says has always been in his mind.
op, that's cruel. Don't do that.

[Malin889]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

You are contemplating following your emotions instead of working with your wife to make things more satisfactory. You seem quite sure that after you walk through the fire (and it will be intense) that the grass Is greener on the other side. For your sake, I hope that's true.

To ease you conscience and grease the wheels make an effort to work with your wife. Lay out what you expect and see if she will comply. You may be surprised that she has own laundry list to lay on the table.

If this doesn't work, then divorce and move on. Give her a generous settlement. Try to make up for stealing 25 years of her life. 

Agree. First off, maybe your wife feels the same way? Maybe she's not attracted to you and would like to see what life is like on the other side. Second, it's very unfair to take up all these years when both of you could've been happy with other people. I feel bad for her. 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

My father found himself single later in life after the death of my mother. He did not lack for options...

Widowers are different from divorcees, they get a lot of sympathy and attention from women and can be seen as a prize.
The ex or more correctly the deceased has not run off with half the assets nor is she around causing potential bad feeling and trouble...

I also think some men whether old or young are good with women and some struggle.
If a guy struggled when young, then he will still be struggling when older. 
 

[IndigoNight]

16 hours ago, Steve Blakeley said:

I am sure that I could date attractive women. They don't really have to be younger than my wife.  This isn't a mid-life crisis; I just want someone who takes care of herself, shares my interests, and is affectionate & loving. 

The dating opportunities as we age get a bit you'd have to find a woman with no kids at home, and without a lot of baggage. It's not as easy as it seems. Unless you already have someone in mind.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think your situation is very common. People marry because "they should," "it's time," etc. As the kids get older and less needy, the parents realize they don't bond over anything else.

I'm presuming you made a vow to stick with this woman till death do you part. So I'd say ask yourself if you can live with breaking that vow to seek greener pastures. If you can...

Then I think you stand as decent a chance of finding real love as the rest of us.

[pepperbird]

op,

Can you think of when this feeling that you never really loved her first started? Was it really always there? Looking back, what can you say you've done to nurture the love between you?
I'm not trying to be snide, but ask yourself if, since you feel as if you've never really loved your wife, have you ever really put in the effort to try and build on the foundation  you have, or did you think it  wouldn't work so what's the point? You had your "microaffairs" and strip club visits, and you just sort of let the rest slide.

If the answer if you haven't really given your honest best, then why not try? At least that way, you can say you really have tried your hardest. You can walk away without so much guilt around your neck.

[Amethyst68]

Why don't you tell your wife about your sleazy cheating (yeah don't bother dressing it up as microaffairs) in strip clubs. I'm sure she'll help you make up your mind about the future of the marriage.

[notbroken]

Most of the time all there is on the other side of the fence is more grass that has it's own issues.   Be careful.   You might get what you ask for.   Divorce is hard.  Very hard.   Be sure it is worth it.   Don't do it for another woman.  Do it because you are sure you can' t be happy where you are at.   I divorced at a similar age.  10 years later I believe it was definitely for the best.  The first 3 years were hell.   

Whatever you do, have integrity.  Stop cheating on your wife.  You reap what you sow.  Sow honesty, integrity, love, and fairness.  You might get it back.  If you sow dishonesty, chasing rainbows, etc you'll find you get a lot of pain. 

[Juha]

On 5/13/2020 at 10:37 AM, alphamale said:

good luck finding that in the 50+ dating pool

I second that, needle in haystack.  

Not much to date in the over 50 pool of women from my experiences....

 

If you are truly not happy in the marriage then you need to have a real talk with your wife

If your wife has dropped the ball and is cold towards you, not much of a sex life, do not feel appreciated, she does not take care of herself, etc

then you rally need to have a heart to heart talk with her about these things.

 

Life is much to short to be unhappy, you only come around once and wasting it in a loveless, unhappy marriage is not the best use of that time

Edited May 29, 2020 by Juha

[Interstellar]

On 5/13/2020 at 10:24 AM, Steve Blakeley said:

Unfortunately it went the other way; she became less warm and affectionate instead of more...

Maybe you forgot about love and affection, treated her like one of your buddies, or you stopped dating her, or took her for granted, etc...You gotta be honest with yourself. You married her so there’s gotta be something special you saw in her. You took this vow. You honor it. For richer or poorer, in good times and in bad. How about you start by dating her again.

If there’s really nothing to salvage here then you’re gonna have to talk to her. As far as attracting young women, you’re in this marriage vacuum for 25 years. You’re gonna have to re-learn dating again, put up with crap, a lot of flakes, a ton of rejection etc...and  if you’re fat and overweight it’s gonna be extremely difficult. You’ll have to reset yourself mentally to prepare yourself for the physical work, recovery and nutrition.  And it will take a s*** ton of discipline. Unless your body looks like Brad Pitt in Fight Club.

Edited May 31, 2020 by Interstellar

[Spainglish]

On 5/13/2020 at 10:37 AM, alphamale said:

good luck finding that in the 50+ dating pool

Steve, there are plenty of women in my age group who have what you are looking for.  You won't have a problem if you're a decent man. But before you throw away a lifetime, have you tried everything you can to make things better?  Marriage counseling? Going out on dates like you did when you first met? etc.  Having an affair isn't going to change anything for the better. It will just add more stress in your life and strain on your marriage.

[AMarriedMan]

On 5/13/2020 at 8:52 PM, elaine567 said:

Widowers are different from divorcees, they get a lot of sympathy and attention from women and can be seen as a prize.
The ex or more correctly the deceased has not run off with half the assets nor is she around causing potential bad feeling and trouble...

I also think some men whether old or young are good with women and some struggle.
If a guy struggled when young, then he will still be struggling when older. 
 

You're right about the sympathy and attention. Also, a deceased wife will not cause any trouble herself. 

But the asset situation is not that bright for a widower. A widower does not get to keep all of the marital property. Instead, it's split 50/50 between the widower and the estate of the deceased spouse. 

Getting lunch dates is not an accurate gauge of one's attractiveness to women. It is also correct to say that if a man has struggled to attract an attractive woman when young, his chances of doing so will not be better when old at least unless his wealth and status have not improved significantly. 

[FMW]

I'm 55 and have a many friends about my same age up to 10 years older.  Most have found new happy loving relationships in the past few years after unhappy marriages.  I'm divorced after a long marriage and happily involved right now with a 56 year old widower.  And just as an aside in response to another post, although not relevant to the OP, in the United States every widowed person I've known has maintained all of the marital property following their spouse's death, there have been no separate estates to be otherwise distributed, law and regulations support that outcome in general.    

BUT regardless of the prospects for future relationships - OP you owe it to your wife - and to yourself - to do what you can to try and make things work. That should be your focus right now.  Try at least talking to your wife and see what she's thinking and feeling about where the two of you are at.  She might be feeling the same and then you can work together to figure out what you want to do about it.   

[chillii]

On 5/14/2020 at 12:28 AM, Steve Blakeley said:

I am sure that I could date attractive women. They don't really have to be younger than my wife.  This isn't a mid-life crisis; I just want someone who takes care of herself, shares my interests, and is affectionate & loving. 

 

lt's a ridiculous question unhappiness is not always about chasing younger women or men or whether you can catch one or not that's irrellevant , there's always someone for anyone anyway or many people just wanna be on their own for awhile later if anything anyway , it runs much much deeper than that as you've said,  l know.  lt's about the toughest situation you can be in in life l think, yaknow , but wth are couples suppose to do then though when things are this way.

One of the biggest reasons l just do not envy many married couples one iota these days after being there myself. l see very few l'd wanna swap places with.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 11, 2020 by chillii

[central]

I loved my ex when we got married, but she did a bait and switch, immediately making it a sexless marriage.  Over time, the love and patience faded away due to the way she treated me (and we tried all the usual fixes and counselling).  After 24 years of trying to change this, I decided I'd had enough and left.  I was 45 at the time, and began to have the best times of my life!  So, unless you are unattractive, unemployed, and unappealing personality-wise, you can probably find what you're seeking if you are also caring, kind, and sincere.  There are scads of women in your age range who would love a real partner who's also near their age and not pursuing younger women.  I found the love of my life the second time around, and we're still enamored with each other 20 years later.