Is it cheating if I tell her before I do it?

[Steve Blakeley]

I have been married for over 20 years. We get along okay, but I am simply not attracted to her anymore. I don't think I ever really loved her; just thought that she was acceptable and would be a good wife & mother (I was still brokenhearted several years after a gf I really loved had cheated on me). 

Years ago she started to reject me sexually -- sometimes angrily (I'm sure she was tired, frustrated with kids, etc). Over the past several years she has stopped exercising and become obese. 

I now fantasize about other women all the time, and am very sure that I could find plenty of attractive women to date.  I don't want to hurt my wife, and don't want to go through the disruption of divorce. 

 I have already told her that I'm frustrated that she is very overweight and that I want the best version of her.  I told her I hoped that she would get into shape -- for her own health and to feel good about herself, not just for me. I have not cheated, and told her so (she does believe me). 

I don't think she'll change. If she doesn't, I want to find another woman for sex. Instead of sneaking/cheating, I'll tell her before I do it. 

 Has anyone tried this???

[stillafool]

You say you don't want to hurt your wife by divorcing but you want to sleep with other women.  Do you realize how much asking her if you can sleep with other women is going to hurt her?  You might as well go all the way and ask for a divorce.  You've already admitted that you don't think you've ever really loved her so why are you wasting her time?  She may be letting herself go because she can feel that you aren't in love with her and has lost hope.  Set her free and then you can have sex with as many women as you want.  It will free her up to lose weight and find a man who will finally love her.

[elaine567]

I know you are carried away by the thought of other women but you are not thinking straight.
You say you do not want to hurt your wife but have you really thought out what, the suggestion that you want to sleep with other women, will do to her?
It will likely hurt her to her core.
Few monogamous women of long standing will accept that arrangement.
Ask her for a divorce and forget about asking her to share you with some other women...
Open marriages are for people who both wan to explore other options, these forced one sided arrangements usually fail.
And perhaps not for the reason you think.
Women do rather well in open marriages, your wife if willing to participate will be in demand, it will be you that will struggle to find women.
Men get peeved and jealous and then want to call the whole open thing off.
My advice get a divorce, then you will be free to date who you want, as will your wife.
Life is too short.

[Fletch Lives]

Telling the cops you are going to rob a bank beforehand won't keep you out of jail.

[mark clemson]

It's hard to know whether this request/demand to unilaterally open the marriage would hurt less than divorce. Might be about the same level of emotional pain and divorce might well become inevitable. She might also stay as a "roommate" and/or you are a paycheck to her. Even if she accepts this, she's likely to feel threatened by any new partner who is more than a casual hookup and quite possibly to intensely resent you.

You have my sympathies in that you are in something of a no win situation as far as meeting your human needs is concerned. It's likely that she is unhappy as well, although her feelings may be about very different things (which may or may not have much to do with anything you have done) and she may not wish or feel a need to address her issues in the same way (that is, by finding a new partner).

No specific advice. Personally, I wouldn't blame you for seeking either path (requesting an open marriage or divorcing). The outcomes are not likely to be particularly good IMO, at least from the perspective of keeping your marriage intact at more than a superficial level, but as you note you're not at all happy and have tried tolerating this for years.

[kendahke]

are you sexually and emotionally attractive to her? Have you let yourself go to seed, intimately?

She sounds like she just followed your cue--you were never into her and that had to have come across in ways you cannot even fathom to the point where she finally got the message. She mirroring your attitude.

Pull up your big boy pants and divorce her--at least leave her the ability to respect you by ending the marriage first before you start the tart train. Don't rob her of that on top of her dignity, too.  Your children will never forgive you for degrading their mother by a one-sided opening up of your marriage--and nothing is more pitiful than an old person whose children don't want to have anything to do with them because of how they treated their other parent.

Have some kind of care for her and her having lived with a man for 20 years who never should have asked her to marry him in the first place.

Edited May 13, 2020 by kendahke

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Steve Blakeley said:

 I want to find another woman for sex. Instead of sneaking/cheating, I'll tell her before I do it. 

When you got married you promised until death do you part & forsaking al others. So yes, it's still cheating even if you tell her in advance.  If she agrees to let you have something on the side -- an open marriage -- that is one thing.  She probably won't agree.  In that case just divorce.  It's more honest & honorable.  

[central]

I think you should talk to her and be clear about how unhappy you are with her and the situation you're in.  Ask her if she will work with you to find solutions, and if so, see what she suggests. Perhaps she will suggest you go outside the marriage. Or perhaps she'll suggest divorce. At least you'll have given her an opportunity to find a solution that you haven't thought of, that could work. Or maybe you'll become clear about needing to leave. Whatever you do, don't cheat - at least officially separate before you pursue others (and you may find that your prospects aren't as good as you imagine).

[CaliforniaGirl]

If you ask her for an open marriage and she agrees to this it wouldn't be cheating; cheating implies trickery, usury, etc. However, if you tell her, she says "Don't!" and you do it then of course it's cheating.

 Have you considered asking for an open marriage?

[ShyViolet]

This marriage sounds like it's dead.  Why are you so against the idea of divorce?  You said you don't want to go through the disruption of divorce.  What does that even mean?

Ask her for an open marriage.  If she says no, then you should divorce.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Any update, OP?

[Amethyst68]

You have cheated, you admitted it in another thread. Sexual contact with strippers is cheating however much you want to down play it by calling it 'microaffairs'.

It's cheating plain and simple, whether it was just touching or in all probability oral sex.

[smackie9]

Good lord grow a spine and ask for a divorce. I doubt she will be heartbroken over it...she will probably be so relieved!

All the cheating you have been doing thus far and telling her you are going to cheat is way more hurtful than asking for a damn divorce...

Edited May 17, 2020 by smackie9

[Cookiesandough]

I guess it’s not...but it sounds like a pretty dumb thing to do xD 

Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Starswillshine]

It sounds like you have already had a discussion about not being attracted to her physical body. If she is obese, she probably already feels awful about herself which would lead to lack of sex, and then having your partner tell you that you aren't attracted would be the final blow. Sounds like you need to let her go so she can find someone to accept her how she is. With that support, she might be more motivated to get healthy. And then you can be free to be with whomever. 

BTW, reading that you never really loved her and that you found her acceptable is one of the more heartbreaking things I have read on these boards. No wonder your wife isn't wanting to hit the sheets. Don't worry, she can sense it. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

15 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

It sounds like you have already had a discussion about not being attracted to her physical body. If she is obese, she probably already feels awful about herself which would lead to lack of sex, and then having your partner tell you that you aren't attracted would be the final blow. Sounds like you need to let her go so she can find someone to accept her how she is. With that support, she might be more motivated to get healthy. And then you can be free to be with whomever. 

BTW, reading that you never really loved her and that you found her acceptable is one of the more heartbreaking things I have read on these boards. No wonder your wife isn't wanting to hit the sheets. Don't worry, she can sense it. 

She may have sensed it all along, and may have just wanted to be married, who knows...she doesn't want sex with him now...neither wants the other. OP, if it's economically feasible the best idea is probably divorce.