Either way I'm wrong

[chaoticmess33]

I can’t even believe I’m doing this. I met my boyfriend six years ago during the worst time of my life. I had just lost both of my parents unexpectedly In a terrible accident and My son was stillborn 2 months before that. He was there for me when I needed somebody the most. He is very passive aggressive we had problems with communication from the second year on. I basically stayed  in this relationship because anytime I would discuss leaving he would threaten suicide. It wasn’t just threats. He would send me messages after I would ask him to move out, that had pictures of him cutting himself,  he would ask if I would take him back, and If I’d say no, he’d send back a text message saying wrong answer, and he would cut himself more. I had him sent to a hospital twice, once I thought maybe he got the help he needed only to go through it again A month later. So I basically lived in fear because I didn’t want to feel responsible if he really did it. When I was 17 my best friend hung himself when he was supposed to be coming to my house he went home and did that before coming to my house and I’m always worried somebody would do that again .

four months ago I met his cousin I already know how terrible this sounds, I need to get this out. His cousin is everything he’s not. He gets me I am very complicated when it comes to emotions. I have had a lot of Traumatic experiences In my life that I have dealt with but still have some flashbacks that I will always have. I have never known anyone with so much patience understanding And acceptance  in my life. Our relationship is a very deep emotional connection. I can’t even explain it but he gets me. He pays attention to everything he inspires me he motivate me and he just makes me want to do better. I have completely and totally fallen in love with him, And he  feels the same. We have not had sex because I feel such an emotional responsibility for my ex. He has not lived with me For over a year  because I couldnt have him acting out that way In front of my kids so I had asked him to move out so he could get help and he still has yet to see any type of counselor.but I did see him still every day

I was honest and told him the situation and that our relationship is over I wanted to be friends and I would always be there for him because he was a great part of my life. He is also close to my kids not in a father figure because they have a dad, but as a friend. He is hurt, I am hurt for him his cousin hurts for him and we did not want to hurt him. I’m not playing into his suicidal stuff however I cannot help but worry. I worry if it’s this time that he does something. We have a Lot of haters who think I broke up with him to be with his cousin but it wasn’t like that. His cousin has reached out to him multiple times and I don’t expect an answer and neither does he. He has known for a long time I was not happy we were not living together we had not been intimate for at least a year but we were still together I feel bad for him but I don’t feel bad for being in love with his cousin. His cousin is  going to be moving To the same town I live in and although we’re not going to live together yet I don’t  even know How To make this acceptable. Their family isn’t close his cousins immediate family are very happy for both of us if that’s what we choose. The extended cannot stand me. His cousin has no doubts about us and the only thing we argue about Is that I feel so much responsibility for my ex boyfriend and his pain. I am not the first girl he has been this way with so I know it’s something other than just me. I don’t like to hurt anyone and I’m really taking this hard. I am a firm believer in karma. But I also know it was abusive to do those things to me. I don’t want to be looked at as bitch that created all this chaos, but I don’t see myself stopping my love for his cousin. I don’t judge anyone I am probably the most humble person anyone would ever meet and I believe you get what you give so I don’t even know where the f*** to go with this because I don’t want to get what I’m giving if this is all wrong I know there’s gonna be a lot of comments saying how wrong I am, I just hope maybe one person understands and has some type of advice. 

[stillafool]

I understand you have fallen for a stronger man who just happens to be your boyfriend's cousin.  Are you still with your boyfriend or have you already broken up?  

[ShyViolet]

Oh my god.  The only wrong thing you did was take back the ex when he threatened suicide.  You absolutely should have still broken up with him.  And if he was threatening suicide or hurting himself, you call 911 on him, but stick to your guns with the breakup.  Him threatening suicide in order to "not let" you break up with him is manipulation and an attempt to literally hold you hostage.  Don't let him think it's going to work.  That is absolutely ridiculous. 

It's not clear from your post whether you are still with him?  And is he the dad of your kids?

[GoldenR]

You 100% should not be with your ex. But don't lie to yourself...you wouldn't have ended it had you not met his cousin. 

Own it.  

[smackie9]

You carry so much burden so unnecessarily. Guilt runs you so deep. It's time to let all of it go. Your parents died, so horrible My heart goes out to you. You need to progress through the grief properly and be at peace. Your friend made the conscious choice to commit suicide, you had nothing to do with it. Stop carrying the guilt. There was nothing you could have done. As for your ex, his suicide tendencies is a cruel manipulative way to control you...it's abuse and I'm glad you acknowledge that.  His problems are not your responsibility, nor are they about you. He has this issues long before you ever met. It's up to his family to deal with and get him help for his mental health issues. Breaking away takes real strength and courage,  but be real. Take a good look at your choices you make. Jumping from one to another is not your answer. As you can see there will be continued conflict caused by your choice to be with his cousin. IMO you don't need a man to survive this world, you need to look to yourself for salvation. What example do you show to your kids? Also putting them at risk staying friends with your ex. If he is as messed up as you say he is, I would be worried for me and my family's safety.

Work on cleaning house by not using past experiences dictate your life now and in the future. Your first priority is to take care of yourself and your family. Stop inviting more trouble into your life.