Why do we attract certain types?

[Weezy1973]

I’ll second the opinion that it doesn’t matter who you attract. That’s so passive and out of your control.

The there questions to ask are:

 

1. What type of relationship are you looking for?
2. What type of people are you attracted to?

3. Do the type of people you’re attracted to match what you’re looking for in a relationship?

 

A lot of people unfortunately are drawn to people that make unhealthy relationship partners.

 

 

[chillii]

 

Fortunately for me it's been exactly what l'd look for , to a T.   Although l do have one other strange thing l have never understood, lndian women , they love me .

But yeah , you do often see women repeat their fatal attraction over and over. Maybe some guys do it too l don't know l have no interest in what other guys do.

Edited May 16, 2020 by chillii

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't have much to add...I wouldn't think I would chase anything that I thought was an obvious mismatch....Why a Bohemian type of woman , that gets stoned regularly, has dirty feet and saggy breasts, etc,  would seek out a guy that is the complete opposite, is beyond me.....but it's happened enough times that I wonder what they are thinking....No disrespect or anything, it just makes little sense...

TFY

[carhill]

IMO, people have more relationship success in life if consistently focusing in on one subset of the population that works for them, rather than sampling a wide variety of the population on the chance of catching an outlier to their central attraction wiring. That wiring, whether physical, psychological, or socio-economic, runs at the core of a person's being and is elemental to their behaviors and emotional responses, which are crucial in intimate relationships.

We often see comments like 'they look good on paper' and 'I think this person is wonderful' and such, all processes of logic. Intimacy is often anything but, at extremes trending to chaos. Thinking a relationship works for awhile, saw that while married, but if the person doesn't 'feel' it at the elemental level, the first 'right person' who happens along will draw them; some act on it immediately and others quietly or not so quietly suffer.

What I've noticed personally is that, as we age, we tend to more readily accept the bed we made for ourselves, the life and lifestyle we've wrapped ourselves in, even if the core relationship is a shell of its former self, if there was a former self. It's more about the life and lifestyle than the relationship. At my age, I see this more at work than earlier in life. Married/LTR people tend to stay married/LTR and single people tend to stay single. Partner discarding/replacing goes on a lot less than when younger, regardless of the health of the relationship or attraction to/of certain people.

Looking back on a long life of dating, relationships and marriage, I can discern no definable type in any realm from the physical to the emotional/pychological to the socio-economic. Perhaps that's why, post marriage, I didn't move on like my ewW did. Too much variety, too little desire, easy to let it go. OTOH, she likes men, needs men, is attracted to a particular subset of them, married three of them, hooked up the fourth but ha ha, didn't want him to get a piece of the house she finally got after being married to me so they shack up into their old age. It works. Hopefully she feels something with him. Real intimacy. It's a wonderful gift.

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ll second the opinion that it doesn’t matter who you attract. That’s so passive and out of your control.

I’d disagree in part.   You can’t control it but can greatly influence it.    Largely in an exclusionary way, that is you can lower the odds certain types of people are attracted to you.   You can also up the odds in a who reaches out to you but harder to do.   
 

Best in my view to do the above and be proactive.  Unless of course the kind of person you want us turned off by proactive.   

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

In the last year I've attracted blond and thin.  Strangely I've always preferred brunette, but I'm with a blond now and certainly not complaining! 😊

I did have a chubby Asian girl and a big black chick harrass me for a date when I was on POF.  Neither would stop pursuing me until I blocked them.

some of this could be what's trending, balayage is getting very baby-light-y and I'm seeing blondes everywhere again.

I mean, I am sure if you naturally attracted brunettes for some reason any brunettes in the area would for whatever reason flock to you so I'm not invalidating what you're saying, just saying chances aren't very low in the western world in general right now of having a lot of blondes pop up. 😅 

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I’d disagree in part.   You can’t control it but can greatly influence it.    Largely in an exclusionary way, that is you can lower the odds certain types of people are attracted to you.   You can also up the odds in a who reaches out to you but harder to do.   
 

Best in my view to do the above and be proactive.  Unless of course the kind of person you want us turned off by proactive.   

I agree with this, plus it's my belief that we subconsciously definitely do attract certain people. This is true whether we want to attract them or not. So for example, one woman might attract "her type" because she's giving off little "I'm attracted" or for that matter, "I'm attractive" signals around a person she likes. And a darker example might be a woman who has been abused, who has been taught and shown all she's worth is a nightmare guy and she'd better be grateful even for him. Or even more unfortunately, an abuse victim might subconsciously shrink or seem nervous when she's picking up an abusive vibe and that's the abuser's own cue that here's someone he can dominate.

Same with guys, BTW. For good, ill and all possibilities in between.

The natural world shows us that when it comes to mating, passive is anything but and we're no exception. The myth is that passive people don't choose (yes they do) and that the aggressors get to go for whom and what they want (actually, both biologically and culturally there tend to be a jillion rules about that). "Aggressive" and "passive" probably aren't the black and white diametric opposites we tend to think they are.

I believe that most of the time, today, we both choose. Even when the choice is one we don't consciously want. But hopefully we get to the point where those two things align. And then we all wind up happy.

Edited May 16, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Alpacalia]

Lots of good feedback here.

Anyway, I started this thread because I was trying to get to the root of my issue.

I've come to find out I am fearful avoidant.

I'm not sure if the whole attachment theory rings true but it would certainly explain a lot.

 

[Trail Blazer]

52 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

some of this could be what's trending, balayage is getting very baby-light-y and I'm seeing blondes everywhere again.

I mean, I am sure if you naturally attracted brunettes for some reason any brunettes in the area would for whatever reason flock to you so I'm not invalidating what you're saying, just saying chances aren't very low in the western world in general right now of having a lot of blondes pop up. 😅 

Is that so? 🤔

As for the blondes I've attracted, I can categorically say that blond was their natural color. 

Alas, I'll defer to your better judgement as to which shades are the most trending for western females. 😉

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I don't have much to add...I wouldn't think I would chase anything that I thought was an obvious mismatch....Why a Bohemian type of woman , that gets stoned regularly, has dirty feet and saggy breasts, etc,  would seek out a guy that is the complete opposite, is beyond me.....but it's happened enough times that I wonder what they are thinking....No disrespect or anything, it just makes little sense...

TFY

The direct opposite of saggy breasts?? 😂😂😂

Give me a guy with perky ones any day of the week. Perky. I need to see those things in-bra’d first or no macchiato for you.

I love this place. So much... so so much.

LS is totally getting me through quarantine.

[CaliforniaGirl]

54 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Lots of good feedback here.

Anyway, I started this thread because I was trying to get to the root of my issue.

I've come to find out I am fearful avoidant.

I'm not sure if the whole attachment theory rings true but it would certainly explain a lot.

 

Let us know how things go. ❣️

[thefooloftheyear]

24 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

The direct opposite of saggy breasts?? 😂😂😂

Give me a guy with perky ones any day of the week. Perky. I need to see those things in-bra’d first or no macchiato for you.

I love this place. So much... so so much.

LS is totally getting me through quarantine.

I don't know why I'm even responding  I mean a  4 year old would know exactly what I was implying there.  But if you need further clarity a woman that fits that criteria would be about as good of a fit as keg of beer at an AA meeting. 

[basil67]

It was the breast comment which was weird as this isn't a choice women make.  But the rest of the description of a hippy makes perfect sense.   

For the record, a hippy woman can have lovely perky braless breasts.  And a women who have worn bras every single day along with shoes and lovely clothes can have sagging breasts - especially if she's nursed her babies.   

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Let us know how things go. ❣️

Thanks.

I think I've identified that I do need in a partner someone that has a secure attachment.

I still have a few decades left if I'm lucky so we'll see 😄. 

[thefooloftheyear]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

It was the breast comment which was weird as this isn't a choice women make.  But the rest of the description of a hippy makes perfect sense.   

For the record, a hippy woman can have lovely perky braless breasts.  And a women who have worn bras every single day along with shoes and lovely clothes can have sagging breasts - especially if she's nursed her babies.   

Who cares?? 😂

And even 2 PM's later people giving me crap on this...😂...ALL trying to do is create a mental image for someone that may read it of the type of woman that focuses little attention on her appearance, is more apt to get stoned than go on a hike or adventure, and listens to Phish and The Dead...You would think that type of woman would be more inclined to look for a guy that looks like Scooby Doo, has no money(kinda like her), maybe drives a 25 year old Toyota and plays in a weekend band...That doesn't make me "good" or her "bad" just that despite experiencing this several times, it makes absolutely no sense....and I wonder what they are thinking....

TFY

[chillii]

3 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Who cares?? 😂

And even 2 PM's later people giving me crap on this...😂...ALL trying to do is create a mental image for someone that may read it of the type of woman that focuses little attention on her appearance, is more apt to get stoned than go on a hike or adventure, and listens to Phish and The Dead...You would think that type of woman would be more inclined to look for a guy that looks like Scooby Doo, has no money(kinda like her), maybe drives a 25 year old Toyota and plays in a weekend band...That doesn't make me "good" or her "bad" just that despite experiencing this several times, it makes absolutely no sense....and I wonder what they are thinking....

TFY

lt's obvious , she just wanted ya to clean her , and shave her , and pay for her new breasts , and use your bathr, couldn't resist. Now l can't figure out how to use this new site and stick in a few chuckles there , so l better say l'm kidden, before l get ran off .

Edited May 17, 2020 by chillii

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 minutes ago, chillii said:

it's obvious , she just wanted ya to clean her , and shave her , and pay for her new breasts , and use your bathr, couldn't resist. Now l can't figure out how use this new site and stick in a few chuckles there , so l better say l'm kidden, before l get ran off ,

Here in California...I can totally see it. 😂

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Someone above - and I'm sorry, I can't remember who it was - mentioned the studies about how long-lasting relationships tend to be people who are "rated" externally by others at approximately the same number on several "scales" and I think those are things like looks, intelligence...socioeconomic status, possibly?...a few other things. I have heard the same thing (but never really studied up on it) and I find it really interesting. It's pretty obvious that it's not universal - any one of us can definitely check off a whole bunch of examples from our personal experience in a hearbeat, I'm sure - but on the other hand...I feel like I *have* found this to be true rather often.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Someone above - and I'm sorry, I can't remember who it was - mentioned the studies about how long-lasting relationships tend to be people who are "rated" externally by others at approximately the same number on several "scales" and I think those are things like looks, intelligence...socioeconomic status, possibly?...a few other things. I have heard the same thing (but never really studied up on it) and I find it really interesting. It's pretty obvious that it's not universal - any one of us can definitely check off a whole bunch of examples from our personal experience in a hearbeat, I'm sure - but on the other hand...I feel like I *have* found this to be true rather often.

I've witnessed that too.  

Perhaps it falls under "common goals" as outlined in this article:

"6 Types of Relationships That Last the Longest and Stay the Strongest"

https://www.lifehack.org/790147/types-of-relationships

[SumGuy]

@Alpaca

Nice article, I tend to think the strongest relationships are built on more than one of those.  In fact not sure I would even call it a relationship if did not have at least 2.

I also tend to think of these things in terms of 4 primary human relationship needs (1) Security, (2) Self Esteem, (3) Connection, and (4) Autonomy.    We each place different value on these in general, what we seek in our partners and that what we already posses ourselves.  

In addition to secure attachment types, you may also work with anxious attachment types, as they will fill the gaps in the avoidant space.  I believe that avoidant and anxious styles together are not a problem as long as they are not extreme, that is both people are more near the secure style and both people are open and transparent about their style (which I know can cause some insecurity for the avoidant and the anxious maybe afraid to be honest)   it comes down to the avoidant realizing the anxious person is not trying to control or smother them (i.e. take way their autonomy) and the anxious person realizing that the autonomy the avoidant person still values and loves them even when they want space (i.e. it doesn't mean less of a connection and not a threat to relationship security).

Last I do not really like the label secure attachments style, it implies normality and avoidant and anxious also have negative connotations...then again these labels where not chosen to be bullet proof to spin by the masses.  It's because anxious and avoidant labels go from a middle ground to extremes.

[amaysngrace]

Apparently I attract jackasses. 

Good to know  👌

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

@Alpaca

Nice article, I tend to think the strongest relationships are built on more than one of those.  In fact not sure I would even call it a relationship if did not have at least 2.

I also tend to think of these things in terms of 4 primary human relationship needs (1) Security, (2) Self Esteem, (3) Connection, and (4) Autonomy.    We each place different value on these in general, what we seek in our partners and that what we already posses ourselves.  

In addition to secure attachment types, you may also work with anxious attachment types, as they will fill the gaps in the avoidant space.  I believe that avoidant and anxious styles together are not a problem as long as they are not extreme, that is both people are more near the secure style and both people are open and transparent about their style (which I know can cause some insecurity for the avoidant and the anxious maybe afraid to be honest)   it comes down to the avoidant realizing the anxious person is not trying to control or smother them (i.e. take way their autonomy) and the anxious person realizing that the autonomy the avoidant person still values and loves them even when they want space (i.e. it doesn't mean less of a connection and not a threat to relationship security).

Last I do not really like the label secure attachments style, it implies normality and avoidant and anxious also have negative connotations...then again these labels where not chosen to be bullet proof to spin by the masses.  It's because anxious and avoidant labels go from a middle ground to extremes.

Thanks. 

I thought it was a nice article too.

[Happy Lemming]

7 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

Apparently I attract jackasses.

Do you think your current relationship with this new "gentleman" is salvageable?? Or has it been damaged beyond repair??

I had been quietly reading about your new relationship and was hopeful for you...

Any updates??

[OatsAndHall]

I got a bit sidetracked in my previous responses. I will echo what others have stated; I believe the type of people you attract are due to a) your personality type and the kind of people you're attracted to. I'm independent and strong-willed, I'm attracted to women with the same personality type and vice versa. This played out well for me in my formative years as I wasn't as set in my ways and neither were my partners. I've grown my independent and stubborn as I've gotten older and so have many of the women I have dated. At times, that can make it tricky to have a relationship.

Thankfully, the woman I am seeing now has a similar personality type but we can be set in our ways together as we mesh that way. We've both been happy to relinquish some of our independence for the sake of the other person. Neither of us has asked the other to make drastic changes in our lifestyles which makes things click.

[amaysngrace]

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you think your current relationship with this new "gentleman" is salvageable?? Or has it been damaged beyond repair??

I had been quietly reading about your new relationship and was hopeful for you...

Any updates??

Oh yeah, I forgot I threw him under the bus earlier.  

We’re good now.  He told me he took the necessary precautions like not speaking to her the whole time (lovely) and telling her to wash up as he was leaving.  But she brought him a sandwich from wawa for dinner so it sounds like shes okay with the way they are. 

He said the kids were in the car when she dropped it off, that’s very sad. 

But yeah, thanks for asking.