Adult Daughter and Disrespect....

[jnel921]

Several years ago I posted about my dealings and relationship with my D. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/541951-will-this-be-the-road-to-estrangement-update-nov-2018/page/11/?tab=comments#comment-7527715 the post had thousands of views and I wanted to provide an update and get some more needed advice.

She will 23 this year. She came back home in 2018 and it was a roller coaster of events. She had an abortion enrolled and finished an Esthetician school last year and has had a steady job as a Wax Specialist since last year. She had a steady BF who was 4 years younger than her and earlier this year that relationship ended as she had another abortion and later cheated with the same jerk that brought us issues in the past. During this pandemic she has been furloughed from work, collecting unemployment and has been staying with a friend who allows my D to smoke and meet with her ex at her home. She is spending a lot of money on pot and BS. She should save for her own apartment which she complains that she wants to have but has yet to make that happen and is relying on me to find this. But as long as she is doing things I don't care for. I wont. She is going backwards.

We don't have the best relationship at this point it feels contrived. She still does not care for anyone other than herself. Mother's day was last weekend and my birthday is tomorrow. She told me she would spend the entire week with me at home. But this didn't happen.  She was home for a few hours that day and left. A friend of hers who sells pot was killed over the same weekend and that was her focus.I questioned her reaction because we have had deaths and major injuries in my family and she hasn't cared or reacted in the same way. I am feeling a way because she used this death as an excuse to stay where she is and not come home. Long story short when I let her know how I felt about her not being here when she promised and how I wasn't happy about how she has been spending her time or money she flipped out on me on text message. She told me i was heartless and a POS.

I haven't said anything to her. I am disappointed that I cant express my feelings or concerns and expect her to process this in a healthy way to be able to respond calmly or even understand my POV. I have tried to talk to my D for many years. But she doesn't listen. I have accepted that we will never be close and have a loving relationship. All respect is gone and I don't know how this can be fixed.

I may have to shut her out for good. I may not like what my own parents say or do. But I don't talk to them like that and then expect them to receive me with a smile the next day. This is how my D treats everyone. As a parent where do we draw the line. Unconditional love for our kids should not include disrespect. When they are older I feel I have to look at and treat her like any other adult in my life who loses respect, crosses boundaries and causes me pain.

Anyone else agree? How else do I handle?

[preraph]

Don't shut the door for good.  Listen, it is normal for older teens and young people under 25 (their brains aren't even fully developed yet) to be pulling away from their parents and asserting their independence and, yes, that often means rejecting everything you represent.  Rebelling is actually quite normal at that age.  Birds leave the nest.  Cats wean their kittens and run them off eventually.  Young folk get obnoxious and hurtful.  Literally, they are just growing into themselves and to do that, they have to break from the hold you have on them first.  It is a very chaotic time.  Hopefully it will settle down some in the next 3-4 years once she feels she has established her own self and feels better about it.  

 

Likewise, friends are more important to kids this age than parents quite often.  You can't tell her who to cleave to.  She'll come back around as long as you don't become needy and lose your temper and say or do something final.  

 

You can set boundaries, but you can't make her do stuff.  If she decides to "make it up to you" at a time that is inconvenient, you can say you're busy and not drop everything for her like mothers tend to do.  That's you asserting your own independence.  You can stop giving her money if you are.  But don't do anything to make her feel she can't ever be nice to you again.  Once she has been independent and taken care of herself for a couple of years and her brain is fully developed so she has a better idea of how her actions create consequences, she will have a better appreciation for you, though it may be in short doses, as is the fate of many a parent.  Trust me, once she needs a babysitter, she'll be all over you again.

[jnel921]

Thanks for your response. I remember being estranged from my own mom after my first marriage at 23. More so because of her ideas of what marriage should be.

I get the friends being important. Just not the behavior. I always felt that there should be a healthy fear of one's parents. Its just not there and it makes it scary. My younger sister is this way towards our mom and has no problems taking advantage and has even stolen from her and continues to use her which my own mom feels like she cannot do or say anything out of fear of never hearing from her again. I don't know if unconditional goes for anything and everything. Boundaries are important.

 

 

[amaysngrace]

I’m sorry your relationship with your daughter is still so volatile.  It’s been going on this way for far too long 

Why won’t you tell her how her not keeping her promise to spend time with you made you feel?

[jnel921]

I have told her many times. But she doesn't acknowledge or care about this. My son is now home from the Military and he himself doesnt like talking to me about her or any subjects that have to do with her. Its hard to deal with my feelings sometimes because I don't like being bottled up. She  was away and asked her brother to pick her and the buy she is with from the train station. He told her she would be coming home but I warned him that she wouldn't. She didn't. She told him tomorrow. But it whatever. She is a liar and I told him that. I have been walking everyday and it helps to clear my mind. Prior to coming home we got into a fight about her needing money for Pot. so she asked me to send her some of the money she asked me to save for her to get an apartment. I told her that the whole request was upsetting to me. She in turn flipped out and called me every disrespectful name you can think of and then started calling me by my first name barking orders to send "her" money.  I sent it. But I have zero to say to her. If she cant acknowledge who I am and what I have done for her i will cut her off for good. enough is enough.

[Tamfana]

On 5/14/2020 at 11:00 AM, jnel921 said:

... Long story short when I let her know how I felt about her not being here when she promised and how I wasn't happy about how she has been spending her time or money she flipped out on me on text message. She told me i was heartless and a POS....

It really isn't your business what your adult child chooses to do.  Her friend died.  You should have respected that.  Would you welcome her negative critique of you and how you live? soon after your friend died?  I think you should apologize.  

While you mention down thread that children should fear their parents, mutual respect works better.

[IndigoNight]

Stop giving her money for pot! Actually,  unless it's am actual emergency,  stop being her personal ATM. She is using you because you allow her to.  She doesn't respect you because she can treat you horribly, and you take it.  Why? Because she is your daughter? Bad idea! You should not allow anyone to treat you with the disrespect and contempt she has shown you. 

Love is not unconditional. Everyone has things that they won't put up with no matter how much the love someone. As it should be. You love your daughter.  If you didn't you wouldn't put up with how she is treating you.  You are allowed to dislike her. She is doing some pretty upsetting and unlikable things.  What are you going to do about it?

Respect is not a parental right, and must be earned.  She won't like it, but you need to start enforcing your boundaries. She is not going to respect you when you are bending over backwards to make her happy when she is testing you like dirt.  Neither will your son. Unfortunately, your relationship with your daughter may never be a loving one.  Don't let the relationship with your son suffer because of this.  Find a good therapist, and focus on defining and enforcing healthy boundaries. 

Best of luck. 

[Mr. Lucky]

On 6/8/2020 at 1:03 PM, jnel921 said:

She in turn flipped out and called me every disrespectful name you can think of and then started calling me by my first name barking orders to send "her" money.  I sent it.

How does this help?

i went thru my own well-documented issues with my adult daughter. Until you kick her out and allow her to experience the consequences of her decisions and actions, you’ll be the whipping boy for every injustice, real or imagined.

She’s 23. Let her find out the hard way the privileges and responsibilities of adulthood...

Mr. Lucky 

[Whodatdog]

This story never ends with you. Its been the same thing for how many years now, 5? Nothing will change with this relationship, until you make a stand. It seems you are very scared of losing her, so you dont stand up for yourself. You can see how this is turning out. She's a full grown adult. Let her be one. Her decisions are her own.

But yours are your own, too. You have been trying to "buy" her respect every since you started posting. It isnt working. I really feel sorry for you, because you just wont let her go, and she will continue to treat you badly as long as you let her.

[spiderowl]

I sympathise greatly. My daughter seemed to decide many years ago that rebelling against me was her goal in life. She has toned down a bit as she got older but still holds endless resentment. She was an incredibly difficult child and would do dangerous impulsive things which meant I had to exert more control than I felt should be necessary for her age. At 4 or 5, when other kids would walk along with their parents, she would deliberately walk in the opposite direction or try to fight me to run off if I was trying to walk safely across the road. It was awful, embarrassing and worrying. Even now, as an adult, she still blames me and seems to have no idea how worrying her behaviour was.

I am not saying your daughter is like mine. Everyone is different. What I am saying is that I understand the frustration and stress a difficult child can bring.

i do think you need to enforce your boundaries, however she takes it. If she is rude or demanding, tell her she is being rude and demanding and that you will talk to her when she’s in a better mood. Don’t give her money for pot. It is up to her to start earning an income now. Of course as a mother, you won’t want her to starve and will want to help her when there is genuine and reasonable need, but being demanding and rude is not acceptable and you deserve more respect. Bear in mind that her immediate reaction to refusal might be anger but she will mull it over and calm down. In some respects, she is still in the ‘terrible twos’ stage with behaviour. Be polite, kind but firm about what you will/will not tolerate. You are not helping her by giving her the house money to spend on pot, you are frittering away the money that you want to help her in future.

Do not cut her off for good. Be firm about the boundaries and be prepared for tantrums but remain there for when she can speak with you with respect. It may take time before she starts to see she can’t dominate you, months, years, but I feel in the long run she will mature. Some people never change their ways of course but consistency helps when dealing with someone chaotic.

Most of all, look after yourself. She is clearly not caring for you at the moment. Put yourself first and keep up a hidden fund for her. It’s best she does not know it’s there or she will try to manipulate you over it. Knowing that you have the fund for her will reassure you that you are doing your bit as a parent and then you can focus on caring about yourself. Leave your daughter to find her own way but do not support her in harming herself.

You know, some of us are just going to have to be satisfied we are trying to be good parents without getting anything back from our children. I am sure we are not alone in facing this kind of situation.

Edited June 28, 2020 by spiderowl

[jnel921]

On 6/23/2020 at 1:11 PM, Whodatdog said:

This story never ends with you. Its been the same thing for how many years now, 5? Nothing will change with this relationship, until you make a stand. It seems you are very scared of losing her, so you dont stand up for yourself. You can see how this is turning out. She's a full grown adult. Let her be one. Her decisions are her own.

But yours are your own, too. You have been trying to "buy" her respect every since you started posting. It isnt working. I really feel sorry for you, because you just wont let her go, and she will continue to treat you badly as long as you let her.

Thanks. You are right. Its been too long and nothing is helping. I have made a stand and told her enough is enough. I cant think about losing her anymore. I am honestly thinking about losing my own life to the unnecessary stresses I have been suffering.  

She went back to the first boyfriend. Like changing her clothes. Then she doesn't talk to me about it but expects me to help her with her future plans with this jerk. I cant.  so enough is enough. My husband is retiring in a week and i need to think about the next chapter in our lives.