Husband caught watching porn again, again and again over 8 years

[Sadmom111]

I caught my husband watching porn again... And again and again

In my previous 8 year relationship with my boyfriend, I caught him watching porn. And found a profile with naked girls he added as friends, living in the same city. We tried to work it out but we eventually broke up.

My husband and I got together a few years later and we were such a good match. I told him what happened with my ex and that the whole porn episode hurt me and that it lead to a breakup. I also told him how porn hurt my mother in my parents relationship and how she did not feel good enough. He told me how he completely disapproved of that behavior and that he could not believe that they could do something like that to hurt the one they loved.

I went away for a week and when I came back I later discovered on a later date that he watched porn when I was not there. I was deeply hurt and he told me how he would never do something like that again.

We got married and everything was great. We had our first baby and our second. Then I caught him where he wanked in the shower....even though I was there all the time. It broke my heart. On other occasions the bathroom door was locked while he was showering and when I wanted to go in he said that he wanted some privacy and he would unlock the door... But did not open immediately. I also remember once that he came into the room from the shower and I could sèe that he still had a semi.... I was very excited and when I touched him and came closer he was not interested and said that he was not in the mood...because his boner was disappearing after he had a wank. He apologized and said he would never do stuff behind my back again.

A few years later I found some pics he viewed on a photo platform under the 'adult' category. The hardcore pics could not be accessed but some of the others were girls in lingerie. I was devastated and wanted to leave with our two kids (we were thinking of having a 3d baby at the time). I could not believe that I trusted him. I packed my bags. The kids were crying and it felt like my whole world was collapsing. He pleaded that I should not leave he said over and over how much he loved me and how much our family meant to him. He said that he will shower me with love and give me loads of affection. I told him that he had enough chances and he pleaded (on his knees) for just one more and said that he will never ever do it again and that he will work for my trust even if he have to work for it for the rest of our lives. He even proposed that I could check his phone whenever I wanted. But I did not want to feel that I had to

A year went by and we did have a third child. I constantly had a issue with trust. When he was in the shower I would come in, when he was in the bathroom for too long I would go and chat to him through the door or message him and ask why he was taking so long. I hated it to feel like this paranoid police woman all the time.

And now last night I had a talk with my husband that I felt the need to connect with him and I felt that he just wanted to watch Netflix or be on his phone, sometimes instead of wanting to have sex. He put away the laptop and irritable asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I just want to go to sleep after I heard how irritable he was. He just went to sleep. No goodnight kiss and did not hold me for the rest of the night. The next morning baby cried and I went to the other room to breastfeed her. Just as I settled in I heard my husband getting up. I thought that he was coming to me to give me a good morning kiss or just to cuddle with me after my bid for connection the previous night. But he went into the study with his laptop and shut the door. Maybe 10 minutes later my toddler woke up and he was crying. He was looking for me and went into the study. My husband rudely told him to go out because he was working. Right after that I went in and surprise... He was looking at porn again. On his work laptop.... And he tried to hide it from me then lied and said that I did not see any other pages. He then realized that I busted him and confessed. I completely broke Dow. And now he is telling me how sorry he is, that he will not do it again and that I should give him one last chance and think of our family and the kids. I promises not to do it ever again and again he pleaded with me not to leave. Yes, this is my life.

Needless to say, I am feeling hurt, scared, unwanted, disrespected, not good enough, lonely and like I am worth nothing. I thought we had a perfect loving family and my heart aches for what we have lost and for the hearts of our children.

[Fletch Lives]

I'm sorry you are going through this......porn addiction is a real problem and the cause of many breakups and divorces. To many women, it feels like cheating, this is normal for you to feel this way, you are not alone. 

You've threatened to leave, perhaps more than once and he still won't stop. There are a couple of things you can try..... counseling....and other tough love things are leaving for a time without announcing it - just disappear. Another thing you could try is cutting off sex. Actions work much better than threats.

But in all cases, he has to stop, forever - you have to give him an ultimatum - stop or I'll leave. He keeps doing it because you have not been tough enough to show him you can live without him, you keep allowing it. Good luck to you.

[schlumpy]

I don't see any pathway for you but behavioral therapy or divorce.

He does have a problem as far is you are concerned and I doubt he will be able to control his addiction. Porn is too readily available and you can't keep him locked up in his room or engage the child protection switch on all his media devices.

The only way for you to save your marriage is for you to demonstrate some flexibility. Some kind of compromise will have to be reached where each of you gain a little and lose a little.

Regardless of what you do he should be in therapy. His preference for porn instead of sex with you is troubling. Anytime something is controlling you instead of you controlling it, is not something to just live with.

[pepperbird]

I kn ow this isn't what you want to hear, but I don;t really see this is as being ":his" problem.
Before you dismiss that, hear me out.
You say that even though you told him how much porn was unacceptable to you, you still caught him using it before you got married. That indicates this was something he was doling probably before he ever met you. That means that it is a  deep seated behaviour that may be very difficult to change. He doesn't seem to see it as a problem,  but you do-you have every right to decide what behaviour you will and won't accept in a relationship. 
I would advise you two to see a counsellor. Find out if its really the porn you have an issue with or are you more afraid it's a symptom your marriage has issues and could fail.

One more thing- for god's sake, stop having kids! why are you bringing children in to a relationship you say has this big of an issue that needs to be addressed?

[stillafool]

I'm curious OP what is it about porn that makes you so furious?

[MissBee]

Two things here:

Everyone has their boundaries in a relationship and violating them leads to distrust and not feeling safe. So of course, if no porn is your thing and he's lying and secretly doing it, that's an issue. I would suggest marriage counseling and individual counseling, not just for him but yourself as well. The reason is that it seems you've made a negative association with porn and relationships from growing up and you parents' marriage, that isn't necessarily just objective facts but also a deep insecurity and trauma that is worth you also resolving. As simply banning porn doesn't seem to be doing the trick and you keep having relationships with men who bring back up the same pattern, it's not a coincidence, but usually how our own unresolved issues and traumas play out.

Watching porn in and of itself is not an addiction or pathology. People can enjoy porn from time to time, masturbate, have their own fantasies and still be in a healthy relationship. Believe it or not. I watch porn sometimes when I feel like it, it's no secret, it has no bearing on my relationship, I do not want the other strangers, it's a fantasy and even if I never watched porn, I can literally makeup a story line in my mind. This is a normal thing and not a threat to a relationship. That's part of it too, is feeling like your partner can never have their own fantasies, masturbate or do anything without you, that's actually unhealthy. My relationships got so much happier when I realized that my partner can be attracted to other people, so can I, I can have fantasies, so can they, etc and it literally is just part of life and not something that destroys relationships.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

8 hours ago, pepperbird said:

I kn ow this isn't what you want to hear, but I don;t really see this is as being ":his" problem.
Before you dismiss that, hear me out.

 

I didn't even read the rest of pepperbird's statement... (still)  (no offense to Pepperbird - just didn't need anything more)

 

The fact that (the OP) has cited two relationships, AND that of her parents...  where the seeming roles of porn are all the same...

 

alerts any reader to the commonalities in all 3 settings...      

obviously porn has been in all 3 places...

but so has the OP

 

This is a function of the parental relationship having perhaps been fundamentally flawed to where it was easy to point at PORN as the culprit, while saying/revealing nothing about either of the parents.

Of course it makes sense that our OP has effectively become  the examples she got at home... and she carried some level of inferior self esteem to her first relationship, and that likely attracted a man much like her father... and the same issues came to pass...  with all of the same steps toward it breaking-down in similar fashion as well.   Then this same person took the same personality traits toward her marriage...  and that too was a great match for someone much like her father... and then history repeated itself to the surprise of exactly no one.

 

From what little we out at Loveshack know,  my instinct is that the husband here is likely a decent-enough person...  and that this OP-perceived impasse  is not in fact an impasse at all.  But it would require the OP to grow, personality-wise, in ways that she just has yet to evolve.

And the OP need not do this for her husband's sake...  and she need not do this for her own sake...      but the reason to (maybe even find a therapist for solo visits and) work past this... is for the kids !

 

The alternative is the sons grow up to live like their father, and the daughters grow up to live like their mother.

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

It sounds like the OP has had evidence of his porn use. For him to deny it while using incognito mode is damning enough. He is watching porn. 

For EIGHT years?! How is your sex life? 

OP, men and some women watch porn. My porn watching is dramatically diminishes when I am in a relationship that satisfies my sexual appetite. I will visit it from time to time during said relationship for ideas  , but when I am satisfied, there is a lot less desire to visit when I can have the real thing. 

Why  have you tolerated this for 8-years?

[rjc149]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm curious OP what is it about porn that makes you so furious?

I don't think the OP has some puritanical, moral objection to porn per se. When her husband is cranking out the naughty sauce to a laptop/phone screen, and not directing that urge for sexual release at her, and in some cases even turning her down because he's got an empty tank, that's a problem. I think it's starting to erode the sexual intimacy of their relationship. 

OP, I also think that because you're policing his porn watching, it's become an illicit, forbidden fruit that excites him more, reminiscent of adolescence, where most men needed to hide and get away with it.

I'm not marriage counselor but instead of making it "it's the porn or me" how about incorporating porn into your sex life? Like, watching it together, mimicking it, etc? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And then beat 'em off to porn together. 

My other theory, which is more of a sensitive topic that I won't pry too far into, but women tend to lose their physical sex appeal with age and especially after having multiple children. I'm not implying that this is a shortcoming on your part, but you may want to consider getting a killer body and adding some sexy flair to your style. Just a suggestion. 

[IndigoNight]

Sadmom111

Why does your husband looking at porn bother you to the extreme that it does? Honestly.

 

 

[central]

If his porn use is routinely affecting their sex life negatively, she has a valid concern. Otherwise, it's his body and his prerogative, and she has no right to dictate what he can and can't do. He can accept or reject her boundaries - he's rejected them. She can accept his, or leave - she hasn't left yet, but she could. If all else is good in the relationship, then I think this is her problem, not his.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, IndigoNight said:

Sadmom111

Why does your husband looking at porn bother you to the extreme that it does? Honestly.

He is cheating on her...
Same emotions, same reactions...
He is doing what her father did to her mother, he made her feel not good enough by his porn use.
The OP already told him how upset she was, how much it hurt her, yet he did it again and again.
He betrayed her trust.
She cannot compete with these women...
She feels "less than".
If he loved her, he wouldn't cheat on her...
She is hurt, upset and gutted in the same way as if he had taken a mistress...

[ShyViolet]

Is he actually spending hours a day watching porn?  Or does he just watch it from time to time?  There is a difference between true porn addiction where people spend hours a day and neglect all other aspects of their life, and just regular porn watching.  Do you think it's NEVER ok for a man to masturbate or watch porn?  Or do you only have a problem that he's spending too much time doing it?

Some things that you said raise red flags.  The way you are policing him, even trying to make rules that he's not allowed to masturbate, barging into the bathroom and not giving him his privacy in the bathroom.  That's crazy.  You are being very controlling and that is probably making him resent you and want to do it more.  You need to stop the policing.  

[mark clemson]

Everyone's different. Speaking for myself I don't think I would have ever married a woman who "catches" me watching porn, unless she's willing to bring me to orgasm on a more or less daily basis. (Generally, my wife and I have sex twice per week. So the other days I feel free to masturbate to either porn or fantasies as I see fit.)

That said, you are indeed entitled to the boundaries you feel are appropriate. The fact that you don't accept this and that he clearly feels the need to continue suggests to me that unfortunately you are incompatible.

In my marriage, a sort of informal "don't ask, don't tell" policy WRT me watching porn seems to work. Not sure if something along those lines could work for you or not. You seem much less tolerant. (That's not a dig on you, just an observation.)

[elaine567]

 I could be wrong but I don't think this is a porn addiction per se.
I think this is a woman who sees porn as cheating, who is not getting enough sex and attention from her man whilst he gets off on porn and masturbation.
It is not that uncommon, not everyone sees and accepts porn as the norm.
Many women want to be seen as the object of desire to their man.
If he is wanking off to other women, they feel horribly disrespected and that makes them feel sad and unwanted and they then question their desirability...
It is often the issue of younger women, some older women think "Thank God he is not bothering me" but we did have an instance of an older women in her 60s who was totally turned off by her "date" using porn and it was then a dealbreaker...

[Zona]

I guess I'm lucky in that sense. My wife could care less if I watch porn, as long as it's not excessive, and as long as it doesn't affect our sex life or relationship (and it doesn't). We both understand that porn is fantasy, not real life. She says that porn has no effect on her when she watches it, but honestly I swear it makes her more horny, which works for me.

Of course it's wrong and a problem if one partner would rather masturbate to porn all the time instead of having sex, or if they start having secret chats with the performers. I see the later as cheating.

I suppose this is something you should bring up BEFORE you get married to make sure you are on the same page about it. Surveys show that a very large majority of men watch porn, with an increasing number of women. So it could limit your dating pool.

Edited May 16, 2020 by Zona

[IndigoNight]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He is cheating on her...
Same emotions, same reactions...
He is doing what her father did to her mother, he made her feel not good enough by his porn use.
The OP already told him how upset she was, how much it hurt her, yet he did it again and again.
He betrayed her trust.
She cannot compete with these women...
She feels "less than".
If he loved her, he wouldn't cheat on her...
She is hurt, upset and gutted in the same way as if he had taken a mistress...

Not all women believe their man watching porn is cheating. Actually, according to human sexuality studies, most don't. It is simply what they use to masturbate because men are visually stimulated. 

Comparing porn to taking a Mistress is a stretch, unless he is live chatting with a single woman. That is your opinion, not based in fact. Which is fine. Your entitled to your opinion.

As long as men know that their women think porn is cheating, that is. In that case, many will lie about it and hide it, because they feel like they have to. Men who are dishonest about porn are typically created by women who criticize them. That's not my opinion. That's based on a degree in human sexuality, and psychology with over 10 years practical experience, and a decade of research. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think we have enough evidence to suggest this man is addicted porn. 

His and your views on porn and masturbation are entirely different though, OP. You've known this for a long time. He tried to appease you by making promises he knew he couldn't keep, and you kept taking him back despite treating it as a deal-breaker. 

You two would benefit from marriage counseling. What you have here is a deeply conflicting viewpoints on intimacy, fidelity and trust. This goes beyond the mere act of watching porn at this point. While I don't necessarily understand your deep insecurity connected to this, I also know that it's not up to me (or any of us here, really) to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel about it. It's between you and your husband, and this issue is becoming corrosive to your marriage.

A qualified and experienced therapist should be able to help you two navigate this  and how you both cope with the fall-out; you can see how the resentment is already building on both sides, and I have the impression it's not just about the porn, either. You're frustrated with him, and he's frustrated with you. 

[DKT3]

This topic is likely one of the top 10 on this site. 

@mark clemsonmade a very good point. If the wife isnt matching you sexually then she shouldn't really complain about porn.

Unless its interfering with the sex life. Porn (when not an addiction) is no different then romance novels or sex toys for women...a sexual aid for those visually stimulated. 

I think I understand the issue women have with porn, however its really her insecurities.  The funny thing is that's the common war cry when a man posts to complain about his wifes extensive use of sex toys.

If it doesn't affect the sex life then its OPs insecurities to deal with and really has nothing to do with her husband watching porn and more to do with her body image.  Not going to be popular,  but the truth is,  finding a man who doesn't watch porn is going to be tough. I'm not a big fan personally and I watch a occasionally. 

[basil67]

Yes, you can say that it's the wife's insecurities to deal with.  However, if she can't deal with it, then it's probably a marriage ender.   I guess if he prefers porn to being married to someone who doesn't like it, possibly the correct result.   But is he happy to walk away? 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, IndigoNight said:

Not all women believe their man watching porn is cheating.

I didn't say that, but this is where the OP is at.
To HER it is cheating.

Edited May 16, 2020 by elaine567

[healing light]

I'm sorry, but you are coming across as the penis warden to me.

Barging into the bathroom, knocking on the door if he takes too long, never allowing him to have a bit of privacy? 

Men masturbate.

If you try to control their masturbation, they will resent you and go underground with it. Half these incidents were him in the shower or bathroom where he presumably doesn't have access to porn. No wonder he is irritable. 

Masturbation fulfills a different set of needs for some people than sex--they can rub one out without needing to perform, it's great stress relief, etc. 

Trust me, I'm not a huge porn fan. I grew up in a household where my father had a legitimate porn addiction. He spent every waking moment home from work looking at porn or war documentaries. When we went in the computer room to ask him a question, he'd angrily hold up a piece of paper in a lame attempt to block the screen and shout at us. My stepfather used to broadcast his porn openly in the TV room and had to watch it every time before sex. I know what porn addiction can look like and it's not something I'd want as part of a marriage.

But, with that being said, I feel like throwing away a marriage with children over a handful of incidents of porn use is a great overreaction, especially since you are policing his masturbation. I'm not saying there are men that don't watch porn out there, but good luck finding one. To me it would be akin to finding a magic unicorn.

Now if he was consistently turning you down for sex in favor of masturbating, there'd be a problem. But even the incident you mention of him coming out of the bathroom--he masturbated before he knew you wanted sex. He sounds like a normal guy desperate for some occasional alone time to me. 

[deepthinking]

What of behind-the-scenes in porn?

It is not nearly so perfected as the scenes they publish. I'm talking out-takes, public humiliation  so intense that  girls and guys require money to perform, boob-jobs going wrong, diseases  spread  within the industry...

Just saying that porn is  merely manufactured, like any job, the staff are there for money.

Edited May 16, 2020 by deepthinking
new thought

[IndigoNight]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I didn't say that, but this is where the OP is at.
To HER it is cheating.

I didn't specify that you believed that.  

[Zona]

5 hours ago, healing light said:

Trust me, I'm not a huge porn fan. I grew up in a household where my father had a legitimate porn addiction. He spent every waking moment home from work looking at porn or war documentaries. When we went in the computer room to ask him a question, he'd angrily hold up a piece of paper in a lame attempt to block the screen and shout at us. My stepfather used to broadcast his porn openly in the TV room and had to watch it every time before sex. I know what porn addiction can look like and it's not something I'd want as part of a marriage.

That's disgusting. I'm so sorry you had to live through that as a kid. In the case of the OP, it doesn't sound like this kind of blatant and inappropriate consumption of porn was going on at all. Who watches porn in front of their kids? To me that is sick.

From psychology today:

Quote

73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months, for a total of 85 percent of respondents.

98 percent of men... Men who say they never watch are almost certainly lying. The OP may have to reflect on her expectations in regards to her husband, as they may be completely unrealistic.

Personally, instead of feeling guilty about it or worry that God has some lightning bolts waiting for me because of it, I just accept reality. Porn has some of the most beautiful women you will ever see but I would NEVER compare them to my wife in any way.

Edited May 16, 2020 by Zona