Husband caught watching porn again, again and again over 8 years

[5x5]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Put yourself in the shoes of a woman who thinks her body is hideous, the kind who looks in the mirror and hates what she sees, having her partner fapping to some attractive woman on video.

Instead of looking in the mirror and hating herself, it would do wonders if she instead accepted herself as she is.

No one can make someone like themselves, that has to come from within. If someone doesn't like themselves, they're not going to like themselves any better even if their partner doesn't view pornography.

That said If someone doesn't like pornography they are most welcome not to view it, what they are not  welcome to do is tell another adult whether they are allowed to view pornography or not.

If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who views pornography, it would be a good idea for them not to have a relationship with them, or to end their relationship with that person upon finding out. Or if they are unwilling to end that relationship, it would be a good idea to accept that it is not their place to tell their partner what they can or cannot do and let it go.

A persons self worth shouldn't be  contingent on what others look at or don't look at. Marriage or any other sexual relationship is not ever a solution to someones insecurities.

I also don't tell my wife what she can or cannot do, and I expect the same in return. The moment when someone stops worrying about what other people do or policing them in a relationship is the moment life becomes easier.

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Seriously, we live in a culture where the word 'flaw' is used in the context of female bodies and you expect that all women should be fine with her husband having a toss in front of someone who may be more attractive than her.

Everyone is flawed and more so as they age, perfection is a mirage that no one can ever reach. Likewise the world isn't a sheltered workshop were all is equal, there are many people far more attractive than me and everyone else as well. Again the sooner people accept themselves and don't sweat what they can't change, the easier life becomes.

As to the idea of a husband having a toss with or without visual aids, many women also masturbate as well. 

Of which those visual aids have been with humans ever since we were able to draw on caves. While the invention of the press saw mass distribution of pornography explode with pornographic works being bigger sellers than the bible in the 16th century. While photography saw the creation of a new epoch in the mass distribution of pornography, through the 19th and 20th centuries. Pornography has been with us throughout history.

That said I don't see a solution to this, I mean there have been so many movements to suppress pornography from the middle ages through now, yet it has always been with us. Plus let's not forget the vile things that were done to people in order to stop them masturbating, , as a consequence of the nonsense written by Tissot and others from 1760  through to the first half of the 20th century.

It really is okay to masturbate, it's okay to do so with visual aids, ones imagination, in the dark or whatever.

[elaine567]

Maybe she liked herself perfectly well until he started using porn and kicked the feet from under her...

[5x5]

5 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

 

I can accept/understand/appreciate your attitude about it,  and commend you for finding your normal in this area, but the feeling I am getting is the same can't be said(I think) from you and possibly the others....and that's the issue...

I have no problem with people not liking pornography at all, and I absolutely think that those who feel this way shouldn't be compelled to accept it, view it or participate in it. Yet by the same taken as I feel they should have no compulsion to the preceding, I also feel they should not compel anyone else not to not accept it, not view it and not participate in it.

5 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Telling someone to "get over it", isn't really an understanding position for this topic...Like you stated....not everyone is brought up with the same upbringing..etc...Normal for one isn't normal for another...and that's fine...

When someone is trying to police you and tell you what to do, when it is not their place (and it isn't the OPs place), telling them to get over it is hardly unwarranted.

5 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

if I spent a lot of time jerking myself off to women that are way hotter than she is and perhaps wearing out my sex drive on them instead of her...

If someone is wearing out their sex drive by masturbating, instead of having sex with their partner. Thats a good sign that one or more of those partners, aren't doing much for each other sexually.  So maybe one or all of them should call it a day instead of pressing on.

More generally if the generic you finds yourself in a sexual relationship, that seriously sux for whatever reason. And one or more of those participants are unwilling to fix it, it's highly likely that one or all of you are in a sexual relationship that should come to an end.

[5x5]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe she liked herself perfectly well until he started using porn and kicked the feet from under her...

If she doesn't like it, she would do well to end their marital relationship.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

If she doesn't like it, she would do well to end their marital relationship.

I agree I see no other solution here.
She hates it, he likes it.
She wants him to stop, he doesn't want to stop.
Impasse.
He continues, she is miserable.
He stops it, he is miserable.

[5x5]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He stops it, he is miserable.

Unless he eats Kellogg's® Corn Flakes for breakfast,  since Corn Flakes was invented in 1878 by John Kellogg to stop people masturbating.

[elaine567]

I doubt it is the masturbating that is the main problem, it is his use of porn.

[thefooloftheyear]

31 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I doubt it is the masturbating that is the main problem, it is his use of porn.

Or the overt way he is going about it.....

Relationships historically involve some compromise....I mean, sure....I have known guys that figure out how to seek the type of woman that is easily "trained"...Then they can get them to accept basically anything...sexual or otherwise...More women for him?  Sure....Make her do stuff sexually that she wouldn't normally be down with?  Yeah....That too ...the list is endless...There even have been women that recruit underage girls for their men to have sex with....

And at the risk of being repetitive, sure....people with kinks/fetishes, etc..can magically find each other and it can be a blissful scenario.....Great....More power to them...

But this feeling I am getting that somehow people who are offended/upset about it, should be considered weak, insecure, unenlightened, etc,,,,is just not really a fair characterization...IMO

Decide which hill you want to die on...

TFY

[Emilie Jolie]

Sounds like it's a trust issue much more than it's a porn watching issue. Your H gave you his word on the back of you confiding some very intimate details of your life to him, that maybe you didn't share with many people other than him. He told you that he heard you, that his values aligned with yours, he reassured you, said and did stuff that made you believe he had your back on this, and then he went ahead and broke your trust.

I personally have no strong opinion on porn one way or the other; I've watched some. No big deal. I assume every guy I've been with has watched it in his life; again, no big deal. It's not something I'd want to do as a couple, but I suppose I see the appeal for those who are very visual. I'm not really, I'm more of kinesthetic learner. But if you replace porn watching with something that is more meaningful to me, say for instance snooping, then  I see what you are saying. Not quite the same thing, but my ex had huge trust issues from his past RL that he carried over into ours, and with that came a compulsion to keep track of every breath I took. Of course, that broke us up. Above all else, I wanted the next guy to not be a controlling maniac, and told my current that even a glance at my mobile phone behind my back would be a problem. His complete trust in me has relaxed me so much that I told him he can look at my stuff whenever he wants. Which he doesn't. We have our own issues, but trust isn't one. 

Broken trust is hard to fix. The only way forward is MC, or at least a lot of difficult conversations, if you don't want a divorce. Sorry Sadmom111.

 

[IndigoNight]

I stopped reading when she got upset about him masturbating in the shower.  Seriously? He isn't allowed to masturbate? Why not?  

It's not just porn that upsets the OP, but her husband can't even jerk off without her being upset.  That is beyond controlling! 

The only advice I'd give is either for her to lighten up, and stop micromanaging his penis, or for him to leave just so he can masturbate without fear of being caught, and being shamed for doing something that is NATURAL. 

He might (we only have her version of events to form an opinion) have a porn addiction, but she is definitely a control freak.

As a woman I am wondering why your husband masturbating is such a big deal? Are you seriously that insecure? Or, just that controlling? Either way,  it is very likely to eventually cost you your marriage. 

[basil67]

On 5/22/2020 at 12:32 AM, 5x5 said:

Instead of looking in the mirror and hating herself, it would do wonders if she instead accepted herself as she is.

OK, so clearly you can't put yourself in the shoes of a person with body image issues.   

We all know that we should accept ourselves we are - that's just stating the obvious.  But knowing that one should feel this way and putting it into practice are two very different things.  Taking it further, do you know that a group of women can get together and all talk themselves down as part of a strange bonding ritual?  "I'm so fat, couldn't find anything to wear" (she's not fat).  I refuse to participate in such nonsense, but this stuff is real.   And sadly, men are more and more doing it too.   They think they aren't good enough if they don't have big muscles and a six pack.   I knew this guy who was smokin' hot but he apparently always wore a shirt to bed because he was so self conscious.

 

Quote

Everyone is flawed and more so as they age, perfection is a mirage that no one can ever reach.

I am not flawed.  

Flaws only exist in items which are manufactured.  Whereas nature has no flaws, only variety.   But so many humans use the word 'flaw' in a way which puts ourselves and others down.   The language we use goes back to the body image thing.   It's so damned pervasive and can really do a number on how one interacts with the world.  

Lastly, I know that you don't tell your wife what to do and she wouldn't do it in return.  And it doesn't happen in my house either.  But this isn't about us, it's about the OP - so what we do and how we manage these things in our homes is irrelevant.  

Edited May 25, 2020 by basil67

[5x5]

 

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

OK, so clearly you can't put yourself in the shoes of a person with body image issues. 

Really?

What I wrote is drawn from facing exactly that myself, and having to accept myself everyday for years on end, since that is the only way to not let it consume you.

When I was 14 I developed Gynecomastia, I wasn't overweight at all in fact I was always very skinny up until middle age. Yet I grew boobs and felt great shame, distress and self loathing over it. I still have them by the way, except they are larger now as a consequence of gaining weight in later years. Anyway doing sport in High School and having to get changed sucked. Then I joined the Army at 17, and walking around in barracks in boxers or no clothes in the showers was just how it was. So many comments so many guys grabbing my boobs and having a feel.

The mocking and disdain towards men who have that problem is pretty common from a range of people.

Then in my late 30s I developed Rosacea, up until then I had a very handsome face. Yet as the years go on, large swathes of my face have become red raw, flakey and lumpy red skin grows all over my nose, to the point that I tend to prefer to be on the viewfinder side of any camera. It's not only cosmetic, it hurts and I have been on various creams and antibiotics etc, yet Celts Curse continues to disfigure my face.

I also have two large scars, one on my thigh which is still very visible despite it being there since I was 3. While I have an enormous and very messy looking disfiguring scar through my belly, following surgery 20 years ago when according to the surgeons and professor who operated on me I should have died.

Oh and being short I am disproportional, so I have a tall torso and quite short legs.

So I know a thing or three about this, which is why I wrote what I wrote.

Every time I face something that breaks, I look inside and pick myself up again over and over and over again. I have been doing this since I was a young child. When I was around 7 or 8 my parents took turns at strangling me and held my face into a plate of food to try and force me to eat something I didn't want to eat. I thought I was going to die, and I still remember the fear and struggling to breathe and how dark it was in a well lit dining room. Yet I wouldn't let them crush me so I never gave in.

I remember when I was 14 and went to school with two black-eyes because my dad bashed me after my mum had been belting me about the head because I didn't do something right. And there is much more that happened to me. I also remember at 15, staying at a famous TV and Movie star families house (they were more caring adults than my parents), because I didn't want to  face the violence I copped at home.

I remember when two of my then 6' tall 18 year old High School male mates (who are gay) attempted to rape me, when I was 15. And they did get my clothes off me and I was naked. And I fought and kicked and punched and screamed and finally made them stop. Yet I never told anyone, because of the great shame I felt over what had happened to me. I wasn't gay or bi at all, yet they kept telling me I want it and I was gay like them and I should admit it while they literally tore my underpants off me, and I couldn't even stop them doing that.

And all of that above isn't even close to a quarter of some of the things I have had to get through.

So I do know what self shame feels like, even when you tell me I don't.

Yet I also know that the way out of that shame, which is to face yourself, accept yourself and accept flaws, broken bits, imperfections and all the rest. And I know that the only way to really address it is to find that from within. People can tell you all they like, yet you have to feel it inside and it is the only place where it will be found.

I got on with things and one foot at a time and one day at a time, I kept on.

Saying someone would do well to feel good about themselves and accept themselves, aren't hollow platitudes. They are hard won experiences and realisations that I have lived through my life.

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I am not flawed.

I am glad for you.

Yet I am not perfect like that and nor is my wife, who bears the scars on her breasts and neck from when her body tried to kill her. Don't worry though, we have learnt to accept ourselves and our inherent flaws.

Edited May 25, 2020 by 5x5

[smackie9]

Why he turns to porn, and why you are upset when he masturbates should be discussed though a therapist/marriage counselor. It's obvious you two don't understand each other at all.

Some couples have trouble with intimacy because you have toddlers banging on the door, can't have fun kinky bedroom sex, loud sex, sex on the living room floor, etc. I say it has a lot to do with limitations....sex is boring with these limitations. Men like variety/fantasy so they turn to porn. They don't love you any less, the attraction never changed. I can totally see how having babies, responsibilities, etc puts a damper on romance and sex. He doesn't know how to deal with it except some private time....which should be ok...masturbation is part of being a human being.

Edited May 25, 2020 by smackie9

[basil67]

@5x5 you've been on quite a journey.  Why not try and impart some of that wisdom instead of just saying "change" without sharing the tools you used to get where you are?   That said, all we know, she may have entirely different things going on - like my sister who is painfully modest with anyone but a partner and also can't do open change rooms or do porn because she's so uncomfortable with nudity.  Or the OP as raised with very strict morals.  What works for one doesn't and can't work for all.  

You and your wife are not flawed.  Flaws are a human perception built around what you mentioned earlier regarding unrealistic ideas of perfection.  You may have battle scars, but they are part of your journey.   My three legged dog wasn't flawed either. He simply had three legs and everyone thought he was awesome.  My autistic son isn't flawed, he's just wired differently.   However my fridge is flawed - and for that reason, I bought it cheap.  But it's manufactured, not nature.

Edited May 25, 2020 by basil67

[IslandSanctuary]

You still haven't told me if you make him leave the room when a sex scene comes on tv
What if he has a wet dream, do you send him to his room? 

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, IslandSanctuary said:

You still haven't told me if you make him leave the room when a sex scene comes on tv
What if he has a wet dream, do you send him to his room? 

The OP has made only one post on this thread  she has not engaged further with any poster.

[mark clemson]

Perhaps she was anticipating only confirming views, rather than the typical diversity of opinion and prompting to self-reflect that LS tends to offer?

You still there, OP?

[stillafool]

On 5/21/2020 at 11:10 AM, 5x5 said:

Unless he eats Kellogg's® Corn Flakes for breakfast,  since Corn Flakes was invented in 1878 by John Kellogg to stop people masturbating.

Does it still stop them?  Did it ever?  OP, if you're still around start serving Kellogg's Corn Flakes to him for breakfast.