8 years Gone and I knew it was coming

[k100danny]

I haven't used this forum in 10 years, I thought id finally gotten to grips with being better in relationships but Over the last almost 8 years i've realised thats not the case. I'm not looking for advice as such I just needed a place to write down my thoughts and feelings of what has happened and how deep down I knew this day would come.

 

I met my ex around 8 years ago, our parents were friends and i needed someone to help around the office at work, she came to work for me for a short while and there was some chemistry. We chatted for a few months and around 6 months after meeting we started dating. I knew I probably shouldn't have been dating as i have severe anxiety issues that really needed dealing with before this, panic attacks and some agoraphobia that gets better at times and other times in crippling.

 

So we get together and I fall for her hard, i maybe came on a little strong, i don't get to meet that many people due to me not going out much so i've never really found out what type of person is good for me and i can be good for them, she was and is a lovely girl, very smart, clever, attractive and she was so into me i felt so loved, I had some early jealousy issues that came out, and i also test if people will stick around and she couldn't have been more accomodating to my needs, I think i also pushed her a bit because I knew that a healthy relationship needs 2 people to do all of the things couples do and i knew i'd really struggle with that, after around 6 months of dating i was struggling with anxiety, I had a panic attack the first one i had had in a couple of years whilst we were together and i started to feel really anxious, she stopped sleeping over and said she understood but i knew she wanted to be with me a lot. I broke things off as i couldn't deal with the anxiety, we spoke everyday whilst broken up and she was broken, really heartbroken but on some level i was almost having anervous breakdown but i selfishly knew she was there. we broken up for 2 months and then i saw her and we started to speak again as towards the end of the 2 months it was less and less as she was really struggling with the break up. Anyway we had a big heart to heart and i explained that im scared i can't give her what she wants and that made me more anxious and she cried, she said its her decision too and she doesnt want to be apart from me  and we got back together. It was still hard at first as i was worried but quickly settled into having someone who was supportive and knew all about my mental health problems, she didn't seem to judge and i started to feel better. Over the next 5 years I moved home, we moved in , went on holidays to america (im from the uk) spain, france and generally did things i never thought i would do but I think it was better for me than it was for her...

 

Now towards the end of our first break up she went on a few dates with this guy, I was not cool about this but understood i left her and i had no reason to be annoyed, she said i didn't choose not to be with you, i was broken and i was just trying to feel ok, I understood this but part of we was still very jealous of this happening and i felt hurt (we were talking still most days when this started and when she told me she missed me and wanted to come back and at first i said no they went on a date 2 days later) anyway i thought this up a few times and it casued some arguments but for the most part I think i got past it, maybe somewhere in my mind i held this against her.  She said she was worried if id ever feel like i loved her if i held this against her.

 

over the coming years it did pop up once or twice again through my insecurity, i didn't want to argue i was looking for reassurance as i don't have that high self esteem and i think i have always feared she would leave me,  over the years we got on well but argued frequently, i would say very nasty things and must be holding some resentment and we kept breaking up, well i kept telling her to leave, instantly feeling bad and asking her to come back. I knew this would have an affect on her and she said she struggled to see how i can love her, be mean and say nasty things and still think down the line she will get what she wants as in feeling secire, marriage children ect. She said I love you so much and want the world with you but i don't think you do, i think you like having me around, i don't put pressure on you and rather than realising how much you love me when i leave you just feel guilty about treating someone that way and hope you can make it right. 

 

I knew i was struggling with how our future would work being so turbulent, i think i did want to marry her but it was a very push pull relationship, all she ever wanted was someone who made her feel wanted and secure and i was insecure and at times it felt like i didn't like her, realising this feeling made me feel so guilty as I say she really is one of the nicest people you could meet and most men would be o so happy to be in that relationship and give her everything she wanted without asking, she is a very selfless person. Over the last couple of years mid 2017-now after we had been on holiday to the states my anxiety started to get bad again, I stopped doing the things i had started to do with her even though i knew this was having an affect on her, my anxiety was so severe i couldn't overcome this. I wasn't going out much and most of her spare time was spent with her family or friends and to use her words, and i agree to some extent. It was like we lived separate lives but lived in the same house. she would come to see my family who live really close by and i felt like i could manage that but a lot of her family parties ect i didn't attend and this made her feel so bad that she didn't have that boyfriend by her side. This made me feel even worse because she would ask if i would like to do something, go for a meal or a family members house and i would say no it's ok go alone, at first she fought it and asked why then she stopped asking, it wasn't that i didn't want to do these things i was scared, really scared and decided to go back to CBT therapy. I would cause fights when i thought i would be under pressure to go out of my comfort zone, and end up asking her to leave, over the last 3 years id probably asked her to go 6 times just out of fear and thinking i dont want you to leave me (i KNOW STUPID ) 

 

I knew she was getting tired of this, she said it got harder each time but she wanted it to work so kept trying and after a while we would slip back into how we were being very distant. I think she started to resent me for not getting the things she wanted, she loved me and wanted them but we both started to have hard feelings towards one another because we were struggling to se how it would work. She joked after the first year or so that i had 5 years to marry her and that didn't happen, then she would mention children and milestones she wanted to do, not by a certain date just things she felt would make her feel like she was doing ok. During the last 5 years we have lived in a house I own and she said it was her safe place but due to me asking her to leave she felt it was very hard to feel like it was her home, this makes me so sad but i understand why she would feel like this and probably never got settled and comfortable thinking i would ask her to leave again. 

For the first couple of weeks of the lockdown everything seemed ok, she was working from home and under stress and i was cooking for her each day and we were trying to keep each other sane byt watching things together on an evening when usually she would do her thing and id do mine, her thing had she had her way would have involved me but i was caught up in my anxiety. The over the last couple of weeks i sensed something change, she wasn't sleeping properly , she seemed to be worried and i noticed. She started to try and make herself feel good and expressed how lockdown was getting to her, she said she realised that our life hadn't changed but shed lost the ability to see her friends and family whic is what she used to escape the fact she didn't get to do the things most couples do.she would ask me questions and i knew she was lookingfor something in return and i didn't give her that. Like what would you really like to do together when this is over, has it made you feel differently about life ect. Her birthday was coming up but she wasn't excited, she said don't buy me anything big just get me this , a small gift hat wasn't expensive £30, i usually like to buy her surprises on her birthday and i knew she was feeling down, her birthday came and went and I'm just saying what i feel she was thinking now because i don't 100% know but i think it was another year older, still don't have the things i want, and i don't see that changing soon.

 

I noticed she looked really down and i asked her what was wrong, she said im just tired and this lockdown has really affected my mental health, I said well im going upstairs to lay down and watch a movie, would you like to come, she smiled and said yes. Before the movie started I asked her how she was feeling and a few things started to come up about how everyones life seems to have been so affected by lockdown and missing people and she realised all we have is within these 4 walls so to speak. I did my usual defensive thing of this " this is me if you dont like it go and do something else or do what you want to" her reply was it's not that simple because you know i want to do those things with you but i don't want to pressure you and make you feel anxious. I said i'd noticed a few things and i think that you're hiding something from me, she went quiet which really threw me, usually if id have said what are you up to shes say nothing or just say i was being silly (not that i accused her of things but just she generally put my mind at rest when she would see i was worried) So i pressed a bit harder, I said i saw you taking selfies the other day through the bathroom door and you've been pampering yourself a lot lately, She immediately said its not what you think, I feel down in myself and i have self confidence issues, i take pictures and compare myself to others, im not sending them to people. Now she has major insecurties for a very pretty girl, something that comes from her mum but thats antother story. I accept this but i say I think theres still something you're hiding, again she goes quit and doesnt put my mind at ease. I mention how hes seemed really pre occupied and that shes spending a long time on her phone ect. She says i will tell you but one you'll think im silly and 2 you might get mad. She said i went to see a psychic, or well she did it over a zoom call or skype. nows she had mentioned her mum had been to see one and she had mentioned someting about her but i just said i don't believe in that stuff. apparently this psychic told her this relationship doesn't end well and that she will meet someone but it wont be for a few years, ok i say that seems strange. Her next part knocked me for 6. She said i've been looking to buy my own home, i was justifying it saying that it's an investment and maybe i can move in there and feel secure and things might go back to normal but i think in the back of my mind i knew we couldn't work our issues out. 

 

Now I understand why this didn't feel like her home but it still knocked me for 6, i knew she wanted us to buy a home that was OUR home. But i didn't see her planning to leave which is what it obviously seemed like, she said she didn't tell me incase i got mad and she wasn't sure if she would go through with it and had to be sure. I said so you were planning all of this, speaking to housing companies and looking for a house over the last few weeks and all the while im oblivious and you'd just stay living with me until you decided to leave. She said she wans't sure as she hadn't thought that far ahead just that she was sorry for being sneaky and not saying but she really didn't know where her head was at with everything and she had been seeking reassurances from me and didn't get them, ask she didn't get them she thought more and more about the future. I asked her to leave at 11pm on wednesday and she went to her mums. I was in pieces.

 

weve spoke since and i am coming to terms with the end of this very big part of my life which she has been a part of for almost 25% of, most of the good things i have done in life as an adult have been with her, family members and the kids in the family all call her auntie and they have had her in their life for all of their life, my mum loved her as does everyone in my family and my mum says shes cried as much as me about this, from wanting me to be happy and also because of the loss of her from the family. I now have to understand my feelings and think of her, I did feel a lot of guilt and i honestly want her to be happy and thinking of what i put her through makes me cry, everyone deserves to feel secure and loved and I'm battling which did i keep her here just for me, did i love her like i say or did i feel guilt for not giving her what she wants. Only time will tell. I feel like ive ruined someones life or a large part of it and i have to live with that.

 

I am writing this to say i hope everyone finds love and gets the same in return, be careful of what you say to people and only do things when you truly can say you're thinking of the other person and not just yourself. This is something i should have ived by and it may have saved us both a whole lot of heartache. Also try to be honest in relationships, if you're honest with your feelings you have nothing to fear because living a lie is not nice for either involved. If you read this to the end thank you for letting me get this out in the open.

 

Take care

[assertives]

This broke my heart to read. I felt her despair, her disappointment and her dying a little on the inside each little time you rejected her and kicked her out of your house and your life. I felt like I saw the light in her go out as she sunk deeper and deeper into hopelessness and despair as you continued to neglect her. She gave until she had nothing left to give. My heart broke for her. I guess perhaps you could be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you really loved her or did you just keep her around because she loved you and it was comfortable for you? I get the feeling it was one-sided for her.

Thank you for sharing your story. It felt candid and vulnerable. It's good that you were able to recognize your own shortcomings and where your faults were in this relationship. It's also good that you recognize that you are in no state to be in a relationship and you may even not have the capacity to love another now. I urge you to consider getting into therapy when things open up again and work through your anxiety and mental health issues. Work through them with a therapist, work on yourself so that some day when the right girl comes along, you are ready and able to love and share yourself with her.

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by assertives

[k100danny]

40 minutes ago, assertives said:

This broke my heart to read. I felt her despair, her disappointment and her dying a little on the inside each little time you rejected her and kicked her out of your house and your life. I felt like I saw the light in her go out as she sunk deeper and deeper into hopelessness and despair as you continued to neglect her. She gave until she had nothing left to give. My heart broke for her. I guess perhaps you could be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you really loved her or did you just keep her around because she loved you and it was comfortable for you? I get the feeling it was one-sided for her.

Thank you for sharing your story. It felt candid and vulnerable. It's good that you were able to recognize your own shortcomings and where your faults were in this relationship. It's also good that you recognize that you are in no state to be in a relationship and you may even not have the capacity to love another now. I urge you to consider getting into therapy when things open up again and work through your anxiety and mental health issues. Work through them with a therapist, work on yourself so that some day when the right girl comes along, you are ready and able to love and share yourself with her.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I think i had known the effect it was having for a long time, I am sure i still love love, or i did love her very much but our feelings changed over time. I definitely had a lot of guilt and i think she did too, her guilt probably came from why can't i just love him for him but she needed to love herself as i did.

 

I have known for ome time that the things I have said are for a reason in my mind and i understand why i have said them BUT it is emotional abuse. I have never been good in relationships and i don't know if i ever will be. Im not looking for another one. I was single for 7 years before i met this girl because i found relationships hard.

 

The only thing i can hope is that i didn't have a lasting impact on her that will prevent her from being truly happy, she has opened up to me before about how she sometimes pushed my buttons because she felt so low and wanted me to react to her badly so it confirmed to her that she was a bad person as she feels so low in herself. That does not mean how i acted and the things i said in reply to this were ok and i will have to live with this.

I had never looked at it as guilt, i mean i knew i had guilt about the way i treat her and that somethings overshadowed what love was left on both sides. I do genuinely hope she finds happiness one day, I have a lot of sadness in my life but i didn't have the right to make someone else feel that way. I hope she at least had some good times, infact i know she did, i did too.

[Realitysux]

21 hours ago, k100danny said:

Thank you for your reply.

 

I think i had known the effect it was having for a long time, I am sure i still love love, or i did love her very much but our feelings changed over time. I definitely had a lot of guilt and i think she did too, her guilt probably came from why can't i just love him for him but she needed to love herself as i did.

 

I have known for ome time that the things I have said are for a reason in my mind and i understand why i have said them BUT it is emotional abuse. I have never been good in relationships and i don't know if i ever will be. Im not looking for another one. I was single for 7 years before i met this girl because i found relationships hard.

 

The only thing i can hope is that i didn't have a lasting impact on her that will prevent her from being truly happy, she has opened up to me before about how she sometimes pushed my buttons because she felt so low and wanted me to react to her badly so it confirmed to her that she was a bad person as she feels so low in herself. That does not mean how i acted and the things i said in reply to this were ok and i will have to live with this.

I had never looked at it as guilt, i mean i knew i had guilt about the way i treat her and that somethings overshadowed what love was left on both sides. I do genuinely hope she finds happiness one day, I have a lot of sadness in my life but i didn't have the right to make someone else feel that way. I hope she at least had some good times, infact i know she did, i did too.

The thing is, I can't communicate my feelings at all because this man used this other man in my city and told me I should never even speak of him again. I'm not speaking about it at all. 

[k100danny]

So as the title says it's the day my ex is collecting all of her belongings from the house we shared. I have been in denial about it being over on and off, some days I feel fine and others a total crying wreck and a shell of the person I usually am.

I was holding onto the hope we would get back together, we have broken up many times before and the last year has not been good for either of us with my anxiety disorder making it hard for me to meet her needs and us being holding a lot of resentment. I am genuinely heartbroken it has come to this, wether the love had gone or we just werent able to see it due to the resentment It has felt like a long time coming but also something i never thought would happen.

She is coming soon with her mum because she has a big car, I'm not sure how I will feel when she gets here, i'll try my hardest to stay away from any talk of us getting back together as i know this time it's different, I want to say sorry for all of what i've put her through but i know i will just end up gettgin emotional. I thought about writing her an letter, I could give it to her when she leaves, if she never reads it thats up to her but i will feel like i've got my peace or i hope.

 

Wish me luck. 1 hour and counting.