Comments on an old thread from 2008

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I had been browsing an old thread in the Infidelity sub forum which popped up at the end of a current one and I noticed a fact about it which I wanted to comment on.

The name of the thread starter was a lady by the name of PriscillaElvis and her thread was titled " I love my husband but...". The thread was posted on the 13th February 2008. The essence of her story was that prior to her marriage she had been in an affair with a married man who was her senior by 14 years. According to her their affair was a wonderful romance filled one and their sexual chemistry was out of this world! Well all good things come to an end and she had to break off the affair abruptly as she had to move across states. According to her they never got time for proper closure of the affair and presumably, shortly after she met her husband, got married had kids, a great life together with all the material comforts she could desire and a gem of a husband who was also a great Dad. According yo her, she and her hudbsnd were sexually compatible and regularly had sex about teice s week. Both of them were working. About seven years into the marriage she reconnected with her ex AP and apparently, the flames of love and desire which had been smouldering beneath the surface, came to life and she resumed an EA ( which, of course she was not prepared to admit to herself as an EA, just a friendship, but which was replete with compliments and romantic sweet nothings by her AP as also possibly sex talk ). She was adamant that there was no possibility of the two of them having a PA as her AP lived hundreds of miles away. She had posted on the board to ask if her actions were inappropriate and how and what she could do to rectify matters. Knowing full well that what she was doing was inappropriate, she was very sensitive to the fact that folks would be harsh and judgemental with her and asked films to be gentle in responding to her request for help.

Well long story short, some folks were a little upfront with her, not hesitating to call a spade a spade and she did become defensive in her replies to them. She did appreciate some of the responses that she got but overall the folks who responded to her gave her sage and sensible advice on how to go about safeguarding her marriage. However, the one thing I noticed was that no one, with the exception of a lonely soul, made any reference to the fact that the lady had history with her affair partner which included sexual history and that what she was doing was like stepping into a minefield. Even the solitary person who referred to her previous affair just mentioned it in passing and did not elaborate on the dangers of re-igniting a relationship with her ex AP. What really struck me was that the OP, having been married for seven years herself, in an admittedly happy marriage overall and being a woman, could not empathize with the wife of the AP who was obviously cheating on her! I would have thought that hindsight, if nothing else, would have led her to understand and see clearly that what she was doing was ruinous of another person's life. These two factors have weighed on my mind as the first of these, did not seem to affect the thinking and responses of all the well meaning folk who advised her then and the second of course really needs no explanation. Probably due to the majority of responses not being to her liking her thread ended abruptly without a clear resolution of the matter.

My take on this is that most folks just accept the fact that what a person does when he or she is single, in the realm of relationships which include sex, even if the other person in the relationship is married is alright. The problem only arises if both parties are married. I may be wrong but the singular absence of any  one  making an attempt to demure is worrying. In my humble opinion, a singleton should only engage with another singleton and avoid anyone who is married and who may make advances on them. As far as second point is concerned, it leads me to believe that this was cheater mentality at work. The OP, inspite of being in a relatively happy marriage was able to rationalize her actions by saying that her husband was unappreciative of her as a woman, although he respected her ad a wife and mother. Her AP made her feel appreciated and beautiful. That kind of selfish thinking naturally excludes having empathy for a person like the wife of her AP. It would be good to have the thoughts of others on this matter.

Edited May 15, 2020 by Just a Guy
Added some material.

[oldtruck]

being single does not give one the green light to cheat with a married person.

a  marriage is for two not three.

[Buffer]

Interesting 🧐 

[Just a Guy]

Hi old truck, I agree entirely with you! The very fact that the OP thought it alright to have an affair with a married man itself gave an indication of her future cheating behaviour. This may have been the reason why she thought it was quite natural for her to pick up with her old AP without batting an eyelid even though she was in a reasonably happy marriage, had a good family life with two kids and a husband who loved her and was good to her. Sexually also, as per her own admission, she and her husband were sexually compatible and were having regular sex. Inspite of things generally being good in her relationship and in her material and emotional spheres, she managed to find that she was not being appreciated for who she was as a person and as a woman and instead of talking things over with her husband and trying to resolve matters, she thought it alright to step out of her marriage to find comfort (An EA) with another man. It speaks of an entitled mindset and a cheater's way of thinking and acting.

It is a pity that her thread ended abruptly and she did not finally give an indication of whether she did resolve her issues.