support a loved one with mental health?

[hope18]

Hi everyone, I really need help. My boyfriend is 22 years old and suffering from severe depression and anxiety and I want to help him but I don't know how.

For a quick backstory, we dated for 6 months in high school when he was a senior and I was a junior. Our relationship was amazing, things just didn't work out when he went to college so we went our separate ways, dated other people and did not speak for two years. Long story short, we unexpectedly found our way back to each other and have been together since. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 14, I'm 21 now. So I have some experience with it and am also studying psychology and neuroscience in school. My boyfriend however is very new to mental illness and for him it began roughly six months ago. Basically, he is so down on himself and on where he's at in his life that his head is just on a constant loop of self hatred that he can't turn off and it has caused him to be depressed, anxious and numb. These thoughts began after he started blaming himself for our initial breakup, and a lot of them come from thinking about me being with other men while we were apart and comparing himself to those men. He's always had body image issues, but now that he's comparing himself to guys I've been with who he thinks are more attractive, more successful etc, these issues have escalated and caused him to hate nearly everything about himself. He has himself convinced that I deserve better and have had better, and that one day I'm going to realize that. He's been so open with me about it and I am patient and I listen to him and help however I can. I reassure him that he is my first love and I can't even imagine being with anyone else. I've told him how the two other guys in my past were horrible experiences and they were a distraction, a way for me to cope with our breakup. I explain to him that I have those same issues with comparing myself to the girl he dated after me for a year, and I explain my own personal struggles with mental health. But he's gotten to a point where he won't talk about it anymore other than to say it's hopeless and nothing is going to help and he's just accepted that this is going to be the new him. I think it's important to say that he never blames or judges me for my past or resents me for it or gets angry or anything like that. Our relationship is perfectly healthy in every way possible. He is so loving and he's just one of the most sensitive and deepest feeling people I've ever met, which one of the many reasons I adore him. Anyways, these thoughts he has about himself have lead him to depression and anxiety and a feeling of hopelessness.

So far, he's spoken to one bad counselor and it didn't go well. Other than that, he hasn't tried anything other than drinking CBD tea to calm his anxiety and the constant racing thoughts. Speaking as someone who is not only educated on but has experienced severe mental health issues, I get frustrated when he says that he's just accepted this as his life now without exploring other options. I recommended medication to him because it has helped me immensely, but he's freaked out by the idea of medicine and relying on a pill to be ok. So I explained to him that medicine is usually a tool combined with other things such as counseling. The issue is, he's not being proactive about the situation. He's just accepted that it's hopeless and this is his life now. I got him to look into some counselors and psychiatrists in his area, but they all have terrible reviews. I really think he could benefit from medication, but I can't force him to take it.

I want nothing more than to help him because I've been where he's been. I would like to note that despite his mental health issues, he is a beyond amazing boyfriend. He's patient with me and my own problems, he's always there for me, he never for a second lets me forget what I mean to him, and he'll do anything to make me happy. Normally he's such a happy, outgoing and energetic guy. So it's so hard for me to see him feeling so numb and withdrawn and suffering. His family is wonderful, but they do not take mental health seriously and they are not very emotionally supportive. His parents kind of have a "just push it down and deal with it on your own, everyone's f*cked up to some extent" mindset. He tried talking to his mom about it last week and she said if he really feels he needs to talk to someone she'll support it, but she doesn't want him on medication. I'm just not sure what I can do as his girlfriend to help him aside from being loving and supportive and offering suggestions. If you have any suggestions on how I can actively help him get help and take the next steps, please let me know because I'm lost here and I just want to do whatever I can to take this away.

[ShyViolet]

He has to be willing to work on this and help himself.  If he's not even willing to work on this, then you can't make him do that.  It's a really bad sign that he has the attitude "this is just the way I am, nothing is going to change it."  If he's not even willing to help himself and take steps to better himself, he's kinda showing that he's not even willing to put in an effort to ensure the success of your relationship.

One major thing that depression does to people is that it makes them completely hopeless.  It tricks them into thinking "I'm going to be this way forever".  He has to realize that EVERYTHING is temporary, even this, and there will be better days.  What he really needs is to get into therapy.  It sounds like he's had a bad therapist and it's put him off of the whole thing.  Maybe you can do some research and try to find a good therapist that he could connect with, and encourage him to go.  But if he's flat-out not willing to, you can't force him.

I also want to say, I think it's wrong to suggest medication as a first solution, the way you are doing.  He's not even at the point of being willing to try therapy.  He needs to do that first.  He needs to change his mindset and be willing to do the work to help himself, to actually take the initiative to go to therapy and talk about all this.  That would actually be a really big step in and of itself.  Medication might be part of a treatment plan for him but it shouldn't be the first suggestion.

[hope18]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

He has to be willing to work on this and help himself.  If he's not even willing to work on this, then you can't make him do that.  It's a really bad sign that he has the attitude "this is just the way I am, nothing is going to change it."  If he's not even willing to help himself and take steps to better himself, he's kinda showing that he's not even willing to put in an effort to ensure the success of your relationship.

One major thing that depression does to people is that it makes them completely hopeless.  It tricks them into thinking "I'm going to be this way forever".  He has to realize that EVERYTHING is temporary, even this, and there will be better days.  What he really needs is to get into therapy.  It sounds like he's had a bad therapist and it's put him off of the whole thing.  Maybe you can do some research and try to find a good therapist that he could connect with, and encourage him to go.  But if he's flat-out not willing to, you can't force him.

I also want to say, I think it's wrong to suggest medication as a first solution, the way you are doing.  He's not even at the point of being willing to try therapy.  He needs to do that first.  He needs to change his mindset and be willing to do the work to help himself, to actually take the initiative to go to therapy and talk about all this.  That would actually be a really big step in and of itself.  Medication might be part of a treatment plan for him but it shouldn't be the first suggestion.

Thank you for your response. I understand what you're saying, thankfully his mindset hasn't affected our relationship and it's strength at all. In every other area of his life he's extremely motivated to succeed, in school, in working, in physical health etc. This is the only time I've seen him have this kind of "it is what it is" response.

As far as medication goes, I've made it crystal clear to him that medication is not a solution and should not be the only/first thing he tries. Like I said in my post, I've explained to him that it is a good tool that can be used in combination with other things. However, I've told him that he does need to try other things first and if truly nothing is working then medication might be the next step which is why I introduced the idea to him to show him that if he does try counseling and it does not work, it's not the only option. The issue is he has been very open with me about the negative thoughts he's having, we've spent hours talking it through and he's fairly good at communicating what's going on to me. However, he's told me that after he talks to anyone about it he usually feels so much worse about himself and also feels embarrassed, so I think that's a lot of why therapy is a turnoff to him. I'm trying to get him to try it again, but so far he seems pretty reluctant because he feels if talking to me about it hasn't helped then talking to some stranger definitely won't. But I explained to him that sometimes talking to someone who doesn't know you can actually be wonderful.

Anyways, I just don't know how to make him see that this isn't it. I've been where he was and I still have bad days but I pushed through. I just want to help him get to where I am, but like you said I can't force him.

[mark clemson]

I second that he should see a professional who can advise and if necessary prescribe. That can't be you - you have to recuse yourself as an SO.

It's possible there isn't really a way to "fix" his attitude since it may be partly caused by a chemical imbalance. I would consider "making him" go, e.g. setting up the appointment, driving him (unless it's Skype), ensure he attends, etc. Hopefully you can get a better counselor next time or possibly ask for an MD (I hear they mostly just prescribe stuff, but maybe it's different where you are)?

Anyway, IMO the bottom line is he needs real treatment, whether it be counseling or meds, not self-medicating with CBD. For all we know, that may make his "racing thoughts" better but be making his depression worse?

[Realitysux]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I second that he should see a professional who can advise and if necessary prescribe. That can't be you - you have to recuse yourself as an SO.

It's possible there isn't really a way to "fix" his attitude since it may be partly caused by a chemical imbalance. I would consider "making him" go, e.g. setting up the appointment, driving him (unless it's Skype), ensure he attends, etc. Hopefully you can get a better counselor next time or possibly ask for an MD (I hear they mostly just prescribe stuff, but maybe it's different where you are)?

Anyway, IMO the bottom line is he needs real treatment, whether it be counseling or meds, not self-medicating with CBD. For all we know, that may make his "racing thoughts" better but be making his depression worse?

🥴

[BaileyB]

If you are studying psychology and neuroscience, then you will understand the difficult things that he is dealing with and the fact that you can’t help him thought this - other than to encourage him to seek professional help. You will be familiar with the concept of codependency, and guard against the idea that you can have any control here and that you can’t cure this. 

The simple truth is, if he does not see that there is a solution and if he is not willing to ask for help, there is nothing you can do. It would be best to focus on your own mental health, because this will bring you down and have a significant effect on your own wellbeing. 

Being in a relationship with someone undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues is hard. This kind of problem tends to end many otherwise good relationships. Be careful here. Take care. 

[hope18]

22 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I second that he should see a professional who can advise and if necessary prescribe. That can't be you - you have to recuse yourself as an SO.

It's possible there isn't really a way to "fix" his attitude since it may be partly caused by a chemical imbalance. I would consider "making him" go, e.g. setting up the appointment, driving him (unless it's Skype), ensure he attends, etc. Hopefully you can get a better counselor next time or possibly ask for an MD (I hear they mostly just prescribe stuff, but maybe it's different where you are)?

Anyway, IMO the bottom line is he needs real treatment, whether it be counseling or meds, not self-medicating with CBD. For all we know, that may make his "racing thoughts" better but be making his depression worse?

Thank you. Yesterday I did some research and found some highly rated therapists in the area and sent it to him to help him get started. He agreed to start seeing someone and gave them a call to set something up. He said that just finding a place and setting up an appointment was really intimidating to him so he was grateful. Hopefully this is the beginning of something positive.

[mark clemson]

Hope so too!

[spiderowl]

I'm glad he has made an appointment, let's hope it leads to him getting some appropriate help.  

It sounds like you have done just about everything you can other than to insist that he goes to see a doctor or therapist.  It's awful that he's had a bad experience with this already because that didn't help him and made things more difficult for you.  Hopefully, this one will be much better.

It may well be a case of him needing medication.  Sometimes therapy alone does not help and no-one is sure why.  It can make people feel a lot better and supported though which can help them to accept what help they need without preconceptions.

You mentioned what you thought were the reasons for his depression, comparing himself to your ex partners. It is possible that was the trigger but it is also possible that he has become obsessed with these thoughts because of a chemical imbalance.  Depression creeps up like that sometimes and it may be he would barely be affected by these kinds of thoughts if he was in a normal mental state.

I feel for you because you obviously care about him and you are suffering too.  It is tough living with someone with depression or obsessions.  Ultimately, his mental health is not your responsibility.  All you can do is to be supportive and encourage him to explore therapeutic options.  You have/are doing that. 

I hope your efforts to help your boyfriend pay off and that things get better for you both.   

 

 

Edited May 17, 2020 by spiderowl

[hope18]

9 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

 

You mentioned what you thought were the reasons for his depression, comparing himself to your ex partners. It is possible that was the trigger but it is also possible that he has become obsessed with these thoughts because of a chemical imbalance.  Depression creeps up like that sometimes and it may be he would barely be affected by these kinds of thoughts if he was in a normal mental state. 

 

 

yes, this is exactly what I told him. I told him that it is possible the obsessive thoughts are leading to his depression, but I told him it's just as possible that a chemical imbalance could be what is causing these thoughts and anxieties. Either way, I stressed to him that it is important to give therapy and some other options a try first where he isn't comfortable with the idea of medication yet. If nothing else works, then I explained how medicine can be a great tool to help balance out those chemicals while also receiving other forms of support.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been on medication for years and it has helped me immensely, but I understand it is not for everyone and should be a last resort. But I understand what he is going through and exactly how he is feeling right now so I am here to support him through it however I can. He doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I can because I made it out of that tunnel and I know from experience it gets better. So I'm going to be here however he needs me to be to get him through this.

I fully intend to marry this man, and they don't say "in sickness and in health" for nothing. Unfortunately, many couples don't view mental health the same as other illnesses.

[Realitysux]

6 hours ago, hope18 said:

yes, this is exactly what I told him. I told him that it is possible the obsessive thoughts are leading to his depression, but I told him it's just as possible that a chemical imbalance could be what is causing these thoughts and anxieties. Either way, I stressed to him that it is important to give therapy and some other options a try first where he isn't comfortable with the idea of medication yet. If nothing else works, then I explained how medicine can be a great tool to help balance out those chemicals while also receiving other forms of support.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been on medication for years and it has helped me immensely, but I understand it is not for everyone and should be a last resort. But I understand what he is going through and exactly how he is feeling right now so I am here to support him through it however I can. He doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I can because I made it out of that tunnel and I know from experience it gets better. So I'm going to be here however he needs me to be to get him through this.

I fully intend to marry this man, and they don't say "in sickness and in health" for nothing. Unfortunately, many couples don't view mental health the same as other illnesses.

Wow, your boyfriend is lucky to have you. People do NOT see mental health the same way as other illness. It's amazing how many people will discard you the minute they see anything off about mental health. I am going to say my experience is that sometimes a big change is necessary to get you out of the hole and that is when you find help. I have had the worst time with therapists and I think it's because I wasn't in the place to receive it. After I move, I'm going to start therapy. 

[Miss Spider]

This sounds so much like my first R. I won’t discourage you.. I will just say it’s great you understand it from your own experience and can be there for him. Just listen a lot when he’s willing to talk. Most of all, we want to feel connected and understood. Just don’t get discouraged as there are limitations to what you can do. With depression, the person has to work on it themselves through therapy and medication or some life change, good luck 

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough