My friend keep implying that I'm a free-rider

[CaraGrace]

I have a friend whom I've known for over 20 years. She was married 5 years ago and I just got married last year.

So she and her husband both work in some government institutions, very stable working hours and salaries, steady pay raise and all the benefits and welfare guaranteed, and their jobs are relatively well-paid and secured comparing to many people who work in other sectors. They rent an apartment together instead of buying one. And they have no children.

My husband works in banking, and I work in the showbiz (was promoted to PR manager in a company before I quit the job and started freelancing, because of the heavy workload and crazy working hours - I almost worked 24/7). My husband has bought an apartment some years ago, and we have moved in together for over 5 years before getting married. And we also don't have kids.

Every time when I hang out/chat with my friend, there is one topic that she is never tired of bringing up. Even before I got married, she likes to say, "It's good for you that you don't have to bear the financial burden of paying rent because your boyfriend/husband has bought an apartment. Oh, and do you have to help pay the mortgage? You don't right? You don't need to worry about anything because you can just rely on him financially. How good it is! I envy you, I have to work so hard to pay rent."

Also, ever since I have become a freelancer, she always make comments like, "It's so nice that you can work as a freelancer. So you don't have to wake up early in the morning to go to work. And you can take a day off and go on vacations whenever you like. It's so tired getting up every morning for work 5 days a week do you know that (wait, I think that's what I did before I go freelancing, and I still do wake up early to work, even though not every day, as a freelancer now, what's your problem?) You're so lucky to be able to do that, to have that freedom." And then keeps on implying that the reason I can be a freelancer is because I can financially rely on my bf/husband and that I don't have to worry about money.

Oftentimes she also asks me, "So you don't really have to work now, do you? Even if you work, you're just earning money to buy stuff you want (unnecessities), because you don't have to pay rent or any other household expenses, because your bf/husband pays them all. That's so good. I wish I can live a life like this, to be a housewife, staying home doing nothing just like you." 

Every time, she says these like they're compliments, like she just admires that I'm living the life she wants. But actually I think she's just being passive aggressive, implying that I'm a parasite who gets everything without doing anything. And even she says it like I'm lucky to have a husband who provided everything for me, she likes to praise her husband in front of me, saying things like she thinks her husband is more knowledgeable (he is a PhD) and more handsome than mine.  

But seriously, freelancer does not equal to free-rider. If I'm a free-rider than what the heck I'm doing when I still have to work till midnights when I have jobs in hand? Are these all just for fun? And the fact is, I have been working so much harder than her, if you just look at my working hours versus hers. But my hard work doesn't really pay off because I'm seriously underpaid. In my industry, there are so much exploitation because bosses think that you work for passion, not money. They have confident that you don't leave the showbiz for a 9-5 job even though it has higher pay. That's why I chose to switch to freelancing, so that I can decide how much workload to take for work-life balance, and because I knew I have build up the reputation and connections I need to keep jobs coming as a freelancer. So I think it's not like everyone can be a freelancer, at least not as easy as my friend thinks it is, because you really need that experience and reputation in an industry for you to go solo. I really have put years of hard work in it and earned the so-called "freedom" to be able to go freelancing. And as a freelancer I also have the room to bargain for higher pay when people need to pay me per job and depending on the scope, instead of paying me a salary but indefinitely adding workload to me.

So to me, quitting a full time job and started freelancing was a thoughtful decision. My husband also supported me because he has seen how my full time job broke me mentally and deprived us of our time together. But at the same time it's also a difficult decision because no one can guarantees that you would have jobs and income every week and month regularly. So it's not something as fun as my friend puts it. Every day is a struggle. Maintaining your reputation to keep jobs coming is a hard work. But she just dismisses all these and thinks/says that I'm just lazy, and that I can live a life like this because of a man who takes care of all my expenses (which isn't the case), and that I don't have to worry about anything.

I feel so annoyed and tired of her making such comments. I have tried to explain to her that it's not as simple as she thinks it is, and tell her how busy I actually am working as a freelancer. But she only hears what she wants to hear. She is so affirm of her belief that I'm being lucky and lazy and relying on my husband financially. It's like this moment I explain (even in the slightest details) to her, the next moment she would just go all over again making the same comments and assumptions. So now when she says any of these again, I just smile and say nothing. 

I don't know what's her mentality, and why she likes to compare with me. Honestly I don't think it's particularly ambitious for someone to settle for a 9-5 jobs working for the government. And I also don't think what she does at work is any better/harder/more important than what I do that she can be earning more than a double than me. I envy that she's making more money but working less hours than me. But I never judge what she does, her work or lifestyle choice, because I know even if I were given her job, I wouldn't take it nor am I able to do it. And I think it's the same case when she were to do my job for a day, I'm pretty sure she would break down crying. So there's no point in envying and judging each other. I never make such comments about her work and her life in her face. But why does she keep doing this to me? What does she want? Does she want me to admit that "yes I'm a free-rider and I get what you want even though you're better than me"? It's absolutely annoying!

[preraph]

I can't tell if she's just wishing she had a sugar daddy instead of who she's got or if she is trying to put you down in some way. I wouldn't leave her alone with my husband though if she thinks he's a ticket to the lifestyle she wants. 

 

And you can disavow her of the notion that you don't work very hard by not being available every single time she wants to do something or chit chat. Just tell her, Sorry, can't talk right now. I'm busy working. Sorry I can't go to lunch. I'm busy working. 

[ShyViolet]

Wow, she sounds like a terrible friend.  Why exactly are you still friends with this person?  Just because you've been friends for a long time, that is not enough of a reason to continue it.  I'm sure you don't enjoy constantly being given back-handed compliments and thinly veiled insults, and having her treat your friendship like your lives are in some kind of competition.  And you say you've already tried to explain all this to her.  You don't have to justify your life choices and career choices to us, or to her.  

Why does she do it?  Probably because she's an insecure, shallow, sh*tty person who has this messed up compulsion to put others down.  Since you've already tried explaining things to her and she is still doing it, it doesn't sound like she's going to change.  The question is, are you going to continue putting up with it.  You can certainly get better friends.

[CaraGrace]

16 hours ago, preraph said:

I can't tell if she's just wishing she had a sugar daddy instead of who she's got or if she is trying to put you down in some way. I wouldn't leave her alone with my husband though if she thinks he's a ticket to the lifestyle she wants. 

 

And you can disavow her of the notion that you don't work very hard by not being available every single time she wants to do something or chit chat. Just tell her, Sorry, can't talk right now. I'm busy working. Sorry I can't go to lunch. I'm busy working. 

I really don't understand her... I don't think she thinks my husband is a ticket to the lifestyle she wants because she always praises her husband in front of me, and she also sometimes brags about how satisfied she is with her life now, like having a good husband, a well-paid job etc...  But funny as you brought this up, years ago I met my husband because she set up a dinner between 4 of us (her husband was her colleague and also long-time friend of my husband). Obviously at that time she's fallen for her husband, and wanted their relationship to step up and to become his girlfriend... And she set up that dinner saying that she thought I needed to meet some men (I just broke up at that time, and yes I do have to thank her because it was by her introduction that I met my husband). But the funny thing was, after that dinner, I was in touch with my husband because he was courting me, and one time I asked him if he knew whether my friend and his friend had started a relationship yet because I knew she liked his friend. But then my husband told me that after the dinner, my friend once texted him asking if he wanted to hang out (just 2 of them), which he refused and he thought it was weird. I thought it was weird too because I thought she has already set her eyes on her husband. Though it was also the first time she met my husband during the dinner, I thought her initial purpose was to introduce him to me, while she also took the chance to get closer to her husband because I knew she's liked him for some times.. Till now I still don't know why she asked my husband out at that point, though she didn't know he was courting me and that we were in touch.

 

[CaraGrace]

20 hours ago, preraph said:

I can't tell if she's just wishing she had a sugar daddy instead of who she's got or if she is trying to put you down in some way. I wouldn't leave her alone with my husband though if she thinks he's a ticket to the lifestyle she wants. 

 

And you can disavow her of the notion that you don't work very hard by not being available every single time she wants to do something or chit chat. Just tell her, Sorry, can't talk right now. I'm busy working. Sorry I can't go to lunch. I'm busy working. 

But my feeling is afterall she is just trying to put me down by making those comments.. because she likes to compare with me somehow... I know that at school she liked to ask some boys which one of us they thought was more beautiful. I found it weird at that time because why the heck did you have to ask that and how was that important to you? Do you have/want to be better than me in every single way? I can only say we're so different in every single way and it's hard to make comparison.

[preraph]

I definitely would not trust her. She may feel she's entitled to your husband if she so chooses because she introduced you even though she didn't really know him. When someone doesn't have very strong ethics on the subject they will use almost anything as a justification. 

 

I wouldn't be socializing with her with your husband anymore than I had to, and for all you know that stuff she's telling you acting like you're taking advantage of him maybe something she is dying to tell him or already has to put ideas in his head. I would keep her out of things and only go to lunch with her one-on-one once in a while and cut back on that and not talk about your husband at all, and just change the subject. She could use anything you said against you. And she could use anything she thinks whether it's true or not about you against you. Just get her far away from your marriage.

[preraph]

4 minutes ago, CaraGrace said:

But my feeling is afterall she is just trying to put me down by making those comments.. because she likes to compare with me somehow... I know that at school she liked to ask some boys which one of us they thought was more beautiful. I found it weird at that time because why the heck did you have to ask that and how was that important to you? Do you have/want to be better than me in every single way? I can only say we're so different in every single way and it's hard to make comparison.

Her competitiveness is another red flag as far as trusting her. 

[FMW]

She sounds amazingly insecure, jealous and competitive. Not a good friend.

As has been noted, you don't owe her any explanation or information related to your personal finances.  

The next time she brings it up tell her that you find her repeatedly doing so offensive and it's having a negative effect on your friendship.  If she doesn't react well to that or if she continues bringing it up, you may have to decide if you really want to maintain a relationship with her.  I didn't say friendship because a friend wouldn't repeatedly talk like that.  

[CaraGrace]

14 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Wow, she sounds like a terrible friend.  Why exactly are you still friends with this person?  Just because you've been friends for a long time, that is not enough of a reason to continue it.  I'm sure you don't enjoy constantly being given back-handed compliments and thinly veiled insults, and having her treat your friendship like your lives are in some kind of competition.  And you say you've already tried to explain all this to her.  You don't have to justify your life choices and career choices to us, or to her.  

Why does she do it?  Probably because she's an insecure, shallow, sh*tty person who has this messed up compulsion to put others down.  Since you've already tried explaining things to her and she is still doing it, it doesn't sound like she's going to change.  The question is, are you going to continue putting up with it.  You can certainly get better friends.

It's weird to say but she is actually a good friend except this part. But I just don't understand why she has to make these comments for like 5 years now. I know I can't change her because yes I have explained myself, and told her about the projects that I worked on etc. but she can still be saying I'm a housewife who can rely on my husband to feed me... I think it's an insult, but maybe she thinks it's a compliment because I'm living the life many women wants to have. I don't know. But not every woman wants to be a housewife. I don't know about her, but I'm sure I don't want to. I want to have my own career and I'm working hard on it. Well, if I can just ignore these comments, we are cool. But I'd appreciate if she could just stop it.

[preraph]

You're not telling her in a strong enough tone. You should just tell her that's your dream, not mine. I love having a career and knowing I can take care of myself. If she's been at it for five years you need to talk up to her. I wouldn't say anything overtly insulting to make her mad because I still don't trust her with your husband. Even if he wasn't at all tempted, she could still tell him stuff that might be untrue and make him have doubts about you or something.

[Pumaza]

she is jealouse and bitter because you are happy and she aint.its her own fault for not making choices that makes her happy.

 

this person is not your freind.

just a abusive jealous person.if you think she is a freind, confront her with this stuff like honest and open en how it makes you feel.ask her why she do this. and see from there her reaction.

but reading this its just a jealouse bitter person.mad at life.

could be she mad her life been hard always.but she gotta make choices now herself.

 

 

[Pumaza]

Just now, Pumaza said:

she is jealouse and bitter because you are happy and she aint.its her own fault for not making choices that makes her happy.

 

this person is not your freind.

just a abusive jealous person.if you think she is a freind, confront her with this stuff like honest and open en how it makes you feel.ask her why she do this. and see from there her reaction.

but reading this its just a jealouse bitter person.mad at life.

could be she mad her life been hard always.but she gotta make choices now herself.

 

 

And you are adult and married.she dont need to know ecerything about ypur marriage and finance. its you and your mans business.only.

[stillafool]

You're going about this the wrong way.  When she says those things put your hands together like a happy child and gush over how lucky and blessed you are to have your husband to lean on financially.  When she makes comments about your disposable income tell her and show her what you bought with it.  If she is acting jealous give her a reason to be and I assure you it will piss her off and she'll stop.  She's trying to shame you for what she wishes were her privilege.

[CaraGrace]

On 5/27/2020 at 11:53 PM, Pumaza said:

she is jealouse and bitter because you are happy and she aint.its her own fault for not making choices that makes her happy.

 

this person is not your freind.

just a abusive jealous person.if you think she is a freind, confront her with this stuff like honest and open en how it makes you feel.ask her why she do this. and see from there her reaction.

but reading this its just a jealouse bitter person.mad at life.

could be she mad her life been hard always.but she gotta make choices now herself.

I think many people like to think that their life is harder than other's. But objectively speaking, her life isn't hard at all. She has a 9-5 job, well-paid, guaranteed pay raise every year, and even if she has to work overtime (though very rarely), she gets overtime pay or compensation leave. These are the things that I never get from my job. It was like I worked overtime from 7pm to 1am at least two to three times every week and those hours were unpaid, and she knew it. Some of our friends also need to work till 10pm very often, she is the only one who always get off from work on time. But still, she whined about dealing with difficult people at work like you won't understand how hard it is, and complained about having to work one time on saturday for a conference (but she got paid for that).. I told her that if you think about how I worked on weekends and even Christmas with no pay, it wasn't really that bad that you had to work on a saturday just this ONE TIME and you got paid for it, not to mention it actually made sense that you should be prepared to work on a saturday when you knew it all along that this particular conference, which you've worked on for months, was going to be held on a weekend so that more people could attend... I just objectively and reasonably think that it's her job duty and responsibility to work on that day, but she thought she had the right to not show up and that I should agree with her that this wasn't fair...

And then, she thought it's not a big deal when it came to the stress I had, that I worked with film directors, celebrities, their agents/publicists - many of whom were so stuck up and snobby... and dealt with the press and paparazzi, who very often made personal attacks when they thought you got in their ways or not giving them information or scoop they thought you knew... I felt so stressful and miserable that I had several mental breakdowns through out my career as a PR dealing with these people, pulling a smile and taking whatever insults/attacks they made on me... And that was the reason I quit my job, not because of a man whom I could rely on feeding me... 

But she just likes to make it sound like it's so easy for me but so hard for her.. If we were to switch jobs, I think at most I would just be bored - which to me could be the hardest part of her job; but she would definitely kill herself just doing one day of my job.

P.S. I don't actually live in the USA so the showbiz ecology may be a bit different... but the unpaid overtime work, and frequently getting personal insults/attacks/F words from entertainment reporters, and surely some celebrities and their publicists, are very real here...

[CaraGrace]

On 5/28/2020 at 12:05 AM, stillafool said:

You're going about this the wrong way.  When she says those things put your hands together like a happy child and gush over how lucky and blessed you are to have your husband to lean on financially.  When she makes comments about your disposable income tell her and show her what you bought with it.  If she is acting jealous give her a reason to be and I assure you it will piss her off and she'll stop.  She's trying to shame you for what she wishes were her privilege.

Yes I think you're right. I actually thought of this too, that whenever she makes these comments I would just play along and say how good it feels to not doing anything, not worrying about money at all... or say to her "yea, every woman wishes they can be kate middleton, or meghan markle, marrying to the prince and into the royal family, getting rich, becoming a princess/duchess... yes, every woman wants that, but not every woman is kate or meghan. look into the mirror, you don't have that face first of all." 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I know I'm late to your thread, but geez!

Two words: JEALOUS BIOTCH

X her like yesterday. She is conniving and doesn't deserve you.