Changing for the better

[mortensorchid]

This quarantine time has changed me for the better - I have a new outlook on life, have dropped about 15 lbs and I am feeling good about myself.  One of the things that I am sure of is that I can find love again someday, somehow, there is a lid for my pot, etc.  The black cloud has lifted.

However ... I am trying my hardest not to go for a certain type I have had/been with in the past - musicians.  I liked guys in rock bands a bit too much.  Then someone said I am too obsessed with looks (I like them young and cute), and I said I must change this about myself.  So I went for an "average guy" and they treated me like s***.  I am 45 - I don't look or act like it, if there was an answer other than using the internet I would consult that.  I am trying to break myself of this want and need for my former type and it's hard.  You do want these dirty scene boys, you want a man who deserves you.  This is my mantra.

[preraph]

I mostly dated guys in rock bands and was also friends with a bunch of them. I don't know how it is out there now but certainly during the Golden age of rock and roll those guys were very popular with women because music was such a big deal then but I'm not sure if it's in that extreme now. 

 

And most of them did sleep around. But there are some of the quieter ones that a friend of mine used to like those types and they seem to be more able to stick with a girlfriend. They were just but meeker types, quieter, less brash. So it's still just depends what type you like. 

 

But yeah, I absolutely love being around musicians and other creative people, but musicians typically are not very dependable and are often not good with money. It's a left brain right brain thing. But there are exceptions. Some are just all-around brilliant. 

 

Maybe you should see if you could also like other creative types instead of musicians and performing artists, like artists. They tend to be a little more introverted and definitely don't get as much opportunity to play musical women. I've always had artistic friends and one of the guys I adored the most was an artist designer. I like hanging out with them.

[mortensorchid]

I also am in the hopes that someday, somehow IT will happen to me.  As in, something like in the movies or books - two people see each other across a crowded room and they feel this instant feeling of love.  Just knowing this is The One.  I hope for that as others told me this happened to them as well.  

Or am I being sentimental and foolish? 

[miranda561]

20 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I also am in the hopes that someday, somehow IT will happen to me.  As in, something like in the movies or books - two people see each other across a crowded room and they feel this instant feeling of love.  Just knowing this is The One.  I hope for that as others told me this happened to them as well.  

Or am I being sentimental and foolish? 

You never know. You could end up meeting someone like that.

Personally though even being 15 + years younger than you ..i don't believe in all that like my naive self used to.

Reality is nothing like this

 

[mortensorchid]

I also just watched Somewhere in Time and I am crying like a sissy.  That's what made all the rejections so sad and the love of my life gone.  Even sociopathic me can be this way.

[basil67]

I sobbed through Somewhere In Time.  The Bridges of Madison County reduced me to a wreck too.  

With the guys, average is by definition very broad.  There are great ones and not so great ones.  The next guy you date may be terrific.   That said, I’ve been told that if you want a more stable band guy, the bass player is the one to look at.   Lead singer and lead guitar are egotistical and the drummer is the one who’s a ratbag.  

Acting younger than one’s age can be problematic for a man or woman who does this.   People the same age may find the behaviour too immature and people who are younger can initially be attracted to the youthful outlook but then outgrow the one who acts young.  I’ve seen it happen a number of times...mostly it’s been when the man is older but doesn’t act his age.   You don’t say how you act younger than your age, but you may want to consider whether this is affecting your ability to find a man.   

Edited May 16, 2020 by basil67

[FMW]

I have a lot of musician friends and have been involved with a a few musicians. I'm currently seeing one.  They're certainly not all alike, so I wouldn't write off "musicians" as a whole.  The problem may be the REASON you're attracted to them.  My choice of activities for my free time includes a lot of music related events, so since I meet a lot of musicians, it's likely they will be the ones I will get involved with.  But if you are purposely seeking them out, or only attracted to them for a very particular reason, the results are probably skewed. 

I think you (all of us) probably need to just pay close attention to how the guy acts, right from the beginning, and not push aside any doubts or warning bells.  There are good guys across all types (musicians, scientists, attorneys, doctors, grocery store clerks, etc.), and of course not so good ones.

I think it's a good idea to keep expectations low and get to know someone over time, not get carried away with the excitement of a new crush.  Stay open and receptive to possibilities, we never know where we'll find our "lid".  Maybe it will be a musician.  Maybe not.      

  

[Weezy1973]

It’s really about your own core values when it comes to relationships. And then going and finding someone that is compatible with that. The thing to remember is that people’s core values are shown over time, so initial attraction isn’t that meaningful. Whether it be musicians or young and cute. 

[chillii]

lt's really nice to hear of some reality checks and realism , 45 is way past wasting  more time on bs if it's a relationship you'd truly like.  lt's def time to get real and be true to yourself , good luck with everything.

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by chillii

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I also just watched Somewhere in Time and I am crying like a sissy.  That's what made all the rejections so sad and the love of my life gone.  Even sociopathic me can be this way.

I loved that movie!! But remember it was just that -- a movie.  

I've experienced the "love across a crowded room"  literally!  Not a word spoken, but we KNEW something very intense and special was happening. We were together for several years since that night. 

Thing with that is, it's exciting and passionate but hardly an indication that he's the "one." 

Takes a lot of time to know that. So try and not get hooked into that fantasy and stay real.  

Being relatively new here I don't know you but it sounds like you've been struggling for a long time.  

I just posted on another thread this pandemic and lockdown is causing us all to take stock of our lives, make improvements if needed, which it appears you are doing, good for you!  

Keep going, baby steps, 45 is still young, you'll get there I promise!  Think positively.

And congrats on your weight loss!!  👍

[poppyfields]

Sleepless in Seattle is another love at first sight or for Meg Ryan, love at first sound of voice!  Lol

I cried at the end of You've Got Mail too!  At the end, when they finally met.

I do believe in all that, while at the same time trying to remain real.

Edited May 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I also am in the hopes that someday, somehow IT will happen to me.  As in, something like in the movies or books - two people see each other across a crowded room and they feel this instant feeling of love.  Just knowing this is The One.  I hope for that as others told me this happened to them as well.  

Or am I being sentimental and foolish? 

Certainly sentimental m, but what’s wrong with that.   It’s my parents story of how they met and they were together their whole lives. 
 

It may be a bit happenstance and wouldn’t discount a good thing just because you didn’t get hit with he’s the one right away....or put up with being treated bad if you did feel that. 

[Miss Spider]

I seem to attract the musically inclined and can’t say I’m particularly into them at all. I guess I’m sort of ranting bc of something that just happened, but it’s extremely odd how all my LTR are with dudes into music, not even as a light hobby but professionally. Maybe it’s just that most people are  a musician these days? A guy will show interest in me and I’ll think he’s cute and then I find out he’s in a band and quite into it. It’s weird bc I think I even have a mild form of musical anhedonia in that although  I love certain music at certain times, there are periods where I can’t stand it and it grates my nerves/I need absolute silence. I’ve never told anyone that 😕 Honestly, all my bfs have annoyed me with how they have to listen to every gd awful, obscure indie record that comes out  and the way they  are utter snobs about music. You also have to pretend you give a dmn and I really don’t. I’d really prefer an ‘average guy’ that I can hold a deep conversation about something other than a baseline. 
 

Anyway, I think you should date guys who you are into... if that’s musicians, so be it. They should be with people like you who genuinely share their passion. Not all musicians are the same except for the fact they probably all enjoy music to some extent. If you’ve had bad experiences dating them in the past, that was that individual. As you’ve seen, guys with any particular interest can be a good guy or not, not much to do with the interest 

Edited May 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Xxxxxxx

Edited May 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[simpycurious]

On 5/16/2020 at 11:02 AM, poppyfields said:

Sleepless in Seattle is another love at first sight or for Meg Ryan, love at first sound of voice!  Lol

I cried at the end of You've Got Mail too!  At the end, when they finally met.

I do believe in all that, while at the same time trying to remain real.

There are true love stories in this world...........finding them is another matter entirely

Hope Floats, The Notebook (I know the place, the low country......)

[Hopeful30]

It doesn't need to be so black and white.

Upgrade your mantra to: "I want a man who deserves me who also knows how to be a dirty scene boy." 

[introverted1]

On 5/19/2020 at 12:22 AM, Cookiesandough said:

 I love certain music at certain times, there are periods where I can’t stand it and it grates my nerves/I need absolute silence.

I totally relate to this.

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I totally relate to this.

Wow🙌 Ty. So hard to find, actually. I loathe the what’s your fave band/music question bc I actually listen to very little music because of this. All my friends are like “I need music in the background at all times” blahhh 

[basil67]

@Cookiesandough The question would mostly be about finding things to talk about while you're still in the stage of 'small talk'.  I'd answer it according to what you enjoy on the times when you do listen.  And adding that you often need silence is a great discussion maker too.

I also love silence.

[basil67]

On 5/19/2020 at 2:22 PM, Cookiesandough said:

I seem to attract the musically inclined and can’t say I’m particularly into them at all. I guess I’m sort of ranting bc of something that just happened, but it’s extremely odd how all my LTR are with dudes into music, not even as a light hobby but professionally. Maybe it’s just that most people are  a musician these days? A guy will show interest in me and I’ll think he’s cute and then I find out he’s in a band and quite into it

@Cookiesandough - just making a guess: could it be that the guys have a similar aesthetic which attracts you?

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Wow🙌 Ty. So hard to find, actually. I loathe the what’s your fave band/music question bc I actually listen to very little music because of this. All my friends are like “I need music in the background at all times” blahhh 

No, never in the background for me. I either am actively listening or I need silence.  It's somehow irritating in the background.  Ditto TV or other noise.

[FMW]

I am really passionate about music, it is most definitely not a background thing for me.  I'm with introverted1 - if I'm not actively listening I prefer silence.  I think it's because I already have way too many things flying around in my head all the time, unless I'm specifically concentrating on a particular sound (music, tv show) it's just too chaotic. 

I first saw the love of my college life across a room at a house party, our eyes met and I felt all those great love at first sight feelings, I think he did too.  We were involved for a few years, but like most of those experiences people have, it didn't last outside the college bubble once he graduated.  But it was exciting and romantic while it lasted.    

The song that was out at the time that I associated with "us" was Crazy for You by Madonna, all about that instant attraction.   

[Miss Spider]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Cookiesandough - just making a guess: could it be that the guys have a similar aesthetic which attracts you?

It is exactly that I think. I like long hair, tatts, and a certain edge that people in most professions can’t get away with. It sucks theres that dumb standard ppl conform to 

Edited June 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Weezy1973]

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It is exactly that I think. I like long hair, tatts, and a certain edge that people in most professions can’t get away with. It sucks theres that dumb standard ppl conform to 

People that are into music / musicians conform to the musician look. Correlated traits. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

People that are into music / musicians conform to the musician look. Correlated traits. 

 Perhaps. But some people in music, like a lot of country western or classical violinists for example, do not have this particular look and they are very into music. I have met some guys who said they would love to have long hair/tatts if they're weren't the med field or x, y, or z profession, but they wouldn't be taken as "seriously", though. Even self-employed people who want to give off a polished, professional look

Edited June 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough