late night calling

[diana9]

I had a hook up that lasted two months and I ended it because i had feelings and told the guy. We had a conversation which ended him saying that he is not ready for a relationship. Since then we haven't been in contact but the last two months he's been writing to me often. Sometimes sober, sometimes drunk but the last three weeks he has been only writing to me late at night drunk. I told him that if he wanted to see me that he needs to plan that, and this weekend he also wrote me drunk at 2 am. If he doesn't like me, and I told him that I don't want to be a booty call, why is he still doing that?

[elaine567]

He is chancing his luck.

[Ami1uwant]

These are called bootie calls

[Emilie Jolie]

Tell him again, but this time more clearly. He still doesn't want a relationship, he Knows you're still into him because you told him as much, he's just being a dick by not respecting your boundaries. Don't give him the opportunity, don't hope for more, and stop interacting with him. 

19 minutes ago, diana9 said:

If he doesn't like me, and I told him that I don't want to be a booty call

[Gr8fuln2020]

You are still a booty-call option. You like him and he knows it. The odds are in his favor that he can get you to make another visit or date to have sex. What does he say during these calls? Rambling? For now, until he finds someone else, you are also his entertainment. 

Knowing that he wants FWB and you have told him of your stronger feelings, I would be careful about his intentions. He could easily bemuse you into believing that he wants more, getting his sex, and moving on later. 

[diana9]

When he is texting me he says that he wants to see me, and asks me what kind of person do I want and when I reply he says that he is looking for that also. He is not rambling, he says that he wants to take me to eat pancakes. Last time I told him that he needs to plan in advance and he says that he will, but he said that while drunk. And he also wrote to me again at 5 am and asked me if I am sleeping, and I was so I didn't reply anything.

In these two last months we texted about everyhing and he also said that he wants to just talk to me, and asked me if he can help me with anything. But lately there were only drunk texts.

Edited May 16, 2020 by diana9

[Gr8fuln2020]

18 minutes ago, diana9 said:

When he is texting me he says that he wants to see me, and asks me what kind of person do I want and when I reply he says that he is looking for that also. He is not rambling, he says that he wants to take me to eat pancakes. Last time I told him that he needs to plan in advance and he says that he will, but he said that while drunk. And he also wrote to me again at 5 am and asked me if I am sleeping, and I was so I didn't reply anything.

In these two last months we texted about everyhing and he also said that he wants to just talk to me, and asked me if he can help me with anything. But lately there were only drunk texts.

Wait for him to setup the dates and go on a few without having sex. See if he is okay with the dating, in public, planned, without the sex. 

[diana9]

Okay I will do that, but if he writes to me again drunk, what should I do?

[poppyfields]

56 minutes ago, diana9 said:

When he is texting me he says that he wants to see me, and asks me what kind of person do I want and when I reply he says that he is looking for that also.

^^That's your cue to ask him "does this mean you're ready for a relationship"?

Frankly guy sounds like your basic run of mill commitmentphobe.  

When you were there, right in front of him, he didn't want or wasn't "ready" for a relationship.

Now that you're gone, suddenly miraculously he "wants what you want" but only while drunk and most likely horny.

I get you like him and this all seems flattering, but you need to enforce some boundaries.  

Next time he texts late, drunk, either ignore or text back telling him if he wants to see you or even just talk, to "call" you at a reasonable hour, SOBER, and you will consider it. 

Proceed with caution, guy's got issues!! 

Edited May 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Emilie Jolie]

33 minutes ago, diana9 said:

Okay I will do that, but if he writes to me again drunk, what should I do?

Ignore him. Honestly, I'm not sure you should be waiting for anything at all from him. Set firmer boundaries with him, and turn your focus on men who will respect you and your boundaries, or won't play with your feelings, and won't call you drunk at 2am.

Edited May 16, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Gr8fuln2020]

27 minutes ago, diana9 said:

Okay I will do that, but if he writes to me again drunk, what should I do?

First of all, if he is communicating with you while drunk, he is not serious. Ask him to call you when sober and as previous poster said, make him make a verbal commitment. You've already told him what you want. Make him follow through. Don't go back and forth. He enjoys the fact that you are allowing him to manipulate your behavior. He is hoping that you will eventually succumb. 

Send him a final text that simply says, "I will respond when you have setup a real date with time, place."  Don't go back and forth with any other nonsense. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

5 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Ignore him. Honestly, I'm sure you should be waiting for anything at all from him. Set firmer boundaries with him, and turn your focus on men who will respect you and your boundaries, or play with your feelings, and won't call you drunk at 2am.

This, of course. You eventually need to move on. He sees you as a FWB. He being drunk so frequently is also a very bad sign. You see this, don't you? This guy has other issues. 

[diana9]

Yes I understand.

[smackie9]

From what I see is a guy that doesn't like being alone. You were available, he was happy with that to fill that void. If he won't give you what you want, don't let him take up anymore of your time. Block/delete.

[ShyViolet]

You should block him.  He didn't view you as good enough to properly date, and he told you he "wasn't ready for a relationship".  Now he's only texting you in the middle of the night when he's drunk.  He's clearly not serious about you.  Maybe he has a drinking problem, if he's drunk this often, which is reason in and of itself to steer clear of this guy.

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, diana9 said:

...but if he writes to me again drunk, what should I do?

Does your phone have an "OFF" button?? 

[preraph]

This is a no-brainer. Turn your phone off and put it on charge before you go to bed. I turn mine off every night before I'm even finished watching TV so I can stop looking at it. it's not unusual for people to turn their phones off at night and you should not have to offer any explanation for that.

[miranda561]

7 hours ago, diana9 said:

Okay I will do that, but if he writes to me again drunk, what should I do?

Tell him to quit being drunk when he contacts you...and if he wants you to take him seriously he has to contact while being sober

But if i was you I'd  set my standards higher for a potential person to date. .what makes him ready now alll of a sudden..or does he just miss the goods

Edited May 17, 2020 by miranda561

[basil67]

regarding the texts, it’s really simple.  Tell him that if he doesn’t want a committed relationship with you, he should stop wasting your time and that if he continues, you will block him.  Problem solved.

That said, I really hope that his behaviour is making your attraction diminish.  He’s just a drunken idiot who is trying to get what he wants with no regard to how you feel.   Honestly, a fool who woke me with messages (drunk or sober) would find himself on the out very quickly.  

Edited May 17, 2020 by basil67

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, preraph said:

This is a no-brainer. Turn your phone off and put it on charge before you go to bed. I turn mine off every night before I'm even finished watching TV so I can stop looking at it. it's not unusual for people to turn their phones off at night and you should not have to offer any explanation for that.

I do similar.  Mine is on but muted from 10pm to 7am with breakthrough allowances for immediate family (who would never message me at this time outside if an emergency)

Edited May 17, 2020 by basil67

[diana9]

In small part of my brain I thought that he is a coward and when he gets drunk that he gets courage to write me, but the bigger part knows that I am wrong. His last drunk text was that he is going home now because I don't want to see him and wanted to come in front of my house to take a walk and I denied, and I said that if he wants to see me, he needs to plan it. If he writes to me again drunk, I won't reply. 

[Mystery4u]

1 hour ago, diana9 said:

In small part of my brain I thought that he is a coward and when he gets drunk that he gets courage to write me, but the bigger part knows that I am wrong. His last drunk text was that he is going home now because I don't want to see him and wanted to come in front of my house to take a walk and I denied, and I said that if he wants to see me, he needs to plan it. If he writes to me again drunk, I won't reply. 

Needs to plan it if he wants to see you? The only reason he wants to see you is to get into your knickers again, that is plain as day for everyone to see. Any planning would be for that purpose only.

[simpycurious]

18 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Ignore him. Honestly, I'm not sure you should be waiting for anything at all from him. Set firmer boundaries with him, and turn your focus on men who will respect you and your boundaries, or won't play with your feelings, and won't call you drunk at 2am.

Who calls at 2 in the morning DRUNK??????? Weird behavior to say the very least.  Don't ALLOW yourself to be that accessible to this dude. He needs to treat you with much more respect.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, diana9 said:

In small part of my brain I thought that he is a coward and when he gets drunk that he gets courage to write me, but the bigger part knows that I am wrong. 

Well I am glad you are listening to the bigger part of your brain because the former is very dangerous thinking. 

Not that this is in any way an abusive situation but I used to work with abuse survivors and many of them truly believed that when their boyfriends abused them, they did so out of "love."

The verbal/physical attacks due to extreme unwarranted jealousy, the control, the isolation -- ALL because he loved her so much!  

No, it's not love, these men are weak and so is your boyfriend.  He is also very insecure which is why he drinks so much in the first place.

This guy has got bad news written all over him; again I know you like him and his calls, even while drunk, are flattering, but please just block and continue walking in the opposite direction. 

Nothing good or positive will ever come from this, I'm sorry. 

 

Edited May 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[Malin889]

Is he young, like in his 20s? Stuff like this used to happen all the time to me and my friends in my early to mid 20s; we'd go out every weekend, we'd make a friends with benefits for a few months  or whatever, and someone calls someone else late at night or meets them up at the last bar of the night. It's fun and games, but that's all it is. But you have to know that it's just casual and fun and nothing more serious, or you'll get hurt. You hope and wish that the guy is "the one", but honestly, unfortunately in your situation, you hooked up with him for 2 months, you set the standard for what your "relationship" is, and now, you can't turn back time unfortunately. 

If you want a relationship with someone, you have to set up the boundaries at the beginning; you can't ask for a relationship after hooking up with someone for 2 months, you have to say upfront that that's what you're looking for, and your actions have to follow. You can't say you want a relationship but then keep sleeping with the guy without him taking you out. (Sorry if that sounds harsh. I'm not blaming you.) 

Sometimes it does work out, but in this case, he doesn't want a relationship; you made it easy for him, and there doesn't seem to be any turning back. All you can do right now is block him, and ignore him, and open yourself up emotionally so that a new guy who wants a relationship can come into your life. If you keep letting this guy call, emotionally you'll never be open for a new person to come into your life. But there are good guys out there that want relationships, that will treat you nice, and if you let go of this guy, then you'll open yourself up to new possibilities.