My Husband cheated on me for 5 years

[Corazon]

I'm married for 15years and blessed with 2 lovely kids. He was everything to me. Very affectionate dad to his children. Will do anything for his children. I should mention that it was a perfect marriage until this Easter 2020. He watches porn without my consent and knowledge but I always end up finding out videos from his computer. I didn't like him doing that, I've told him that it hurts me but still he could not stop. This started from the beginning of our marriage. I still loved him and I knew he loved me a lot too so I let go. I started getting dreams of him with other woman for the past 3years. Recently this led me to check his computer and I found 40 sex videos of him and his affair partner on his computer. I couldn't breathe or feel anything inside me for several minutes when I discovered about his affair.
Our love life was regular. Had no problems on bed.
I've asked him if he was interested in anyone else other than me for sex and he has said NO.
I've asked if I was the only woman he has had sex with through out his life and he said YES.
A few times I've even asked him to have sex with another woman if he was attracted to someone else (but I said definitely not without condoms. Just to differenciate between wife and mistress.)
I regularly asked him these questions and asked him to promise me. He made false promises on GOD and my children to all of my questions.
Even though I don't want him to take another woman I still gave him this freedom only because I loved him so much and I didn't want him to end up choosing someone else over me but still he fooled me.

I am devasted. I'm unable to accept that he's been lying all the time. His affair has been going on for 5years (2015 - 2019). The videos constantly keeps playing in my mind. I'm shivering, crying and feeling a crushing pain in my heart. I'm having panic attacks during night. Unable to sleep or eat well. It's been a month now. I haven't changed a bit. I'm suffering. I've shut myself up. Feel dead.

He says that he has ended the affair last year because of guilt and regret. He feels sorry and is asking for my forgiveness. He says that he feels disgust when he thinks about his past. He calls it past already. He says that he tried to confess several times but didn't confess because he was afraid that I would leave him. I'm unable to believe anything he says because he didn't confess. He still gave me false promises even after I discovered the videos then when I showed him proof then he agreed. He says he was addicted and couldn't stop. He says he enjoyed sexual pleasure from the other woman. He assumed that I won't find, so he wanted to continue for sometime and then stop. He was confident and convinced that he could hide it from me. Actually true. I would not have found out because their contact was never through phone or emails. She was his colleague so they used work phone for chatting and to plan their meeting.

I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always end up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times.

I'm unable to forgive as he, didn't confess, has made false promises, broken mistress rules and gave my place to her, I can't accept that she was better than me on bed. I'm unable to accept that I'm not as good as her and that has damaged my self confidence so much.
I will forgive him someday for sure but reconciliation remains as a question mark. Should I continue to live with him for the sake of my innocent children or should I walk out this marriage. I don't want my kids to know about their father's betrayal even if I divorce. I need help.

[mark clemson]

Only you can decide what's best for you. You could really consider seeing a counselor to help you process this. I would suggest trying a few out to find one you like and who supports YOU in feeling better and determining what' right for you (rather than having some agenda either pro- or anti- infidelity).

There are no right answers here, although to me the fact that this went on for 5 years and he took videos is not at all a good sign unfortunately. I hate to say this, because it will probably hurt, but whatever guilt he may or may not have felt this was "fun" to him and your feelings (and your children's) were a secondary consideration. 🙁

IF you eventually decide to reconcile (and I'm by no means recommending that), you'd probably want individual counseling for him (so he can get himself into a place mentally where he can actually stay faithful) as well as joint marriage counseling. I think any decision on that may be a ways off, so start with the counseling for you.

Very sorry to hear about all this.

[Corazon]

Very sensible advice. Thank you so much for taking time to guide me. I appreciate your help.. 

[elaine567]

Mark is correct. get iC to get your head straight and recover from the shock. You can then look at the problem more objectively and decide what it is you want to do.
Marriage counselling on the other hand is usually about saving the marriage and for that to happen the betrayed spouse has to somehow accept the infidelity.
What tends to then happen is the affair is rug swept.
The cheating partner then feels they got off lightly and the betrayed partner is left to shoulder all their own hurt and distress.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm sorry. You're married to a man who seems very entitled with little thought to the consequences on others. I don't have much optimism for his reform, certainly not without years of dedicated effort on his part. Definitely you should go to individual counseling. Please discuss with a professional counselor about setting your own boundaries to ensure your needs are met in all your relationships (and teach this to your kids).

It seems to me you were overly accomodating hoping to appease him, and he pushed well past this boundary as well. Only very firm boundaries with consequences would keep his type of personality in check, and even then there's no guarantee he wouldn't constantly test them or attempt to wear them down. I think his idea of fidelity and your idea of fidelity are incongruous, possibly a values mismatch. It may be very difficult for you to be seen and heard as your own person in this relationship. That will demolish whatever is left of your self-worth. Be strong for yourself, and especially for your kids!

[2BGoodAgain]

usually... it isn't all lies.. and there bits of pieces of truth in there, though in the grand scheme of things, it matters very little.. right now, you thought you had a foundation and b/c a major component of that has been shattered, you don't know what to trust anymore.. also, in terms of the cheater... most don't admit to it all until they're to the point of losing it all....that's when the tires hit the concrete and you truly figure out what's important and what isn't. He seems like he's almost there, but not quite yet...

Counselors would be beneficial to you both... in helping getting out constructive thoughts out thru all the emotions you're going thru... you're justified in how you feel, don't get me wrong, but they can get in the way of being building anything constructive, at times... to determine if there's anything worthwhile to save or not, or at least to get a better understanding of you, him, you two together or not.

many people get into relationships, thinking it has many components they want in a relationship... later on, they discover it's missing a singular or more components but still the whole is still worthwhile.. they don't take into consideration that by continuing the relationship, they are denying the other person a chance to be with someone worthwhile for THEM... acts of selfishness starts small..until you get to this point.

don't get me wrong, many people go into relationships thinking they're going to commit fully... but find out over time, they have this need... this need doesn't justify what they do, but rather just an understanding... to recognize a failing in their psyche/character that they themselves haven't fully addressed. So they carry on a relationship/marriage, doing everything right, but seeking more.. b/c they feel unfulfilled in that one area... 

physical chemistry is as much mental chemistry. it's tricky this thing... there will be people you meet that you are just drawn towards.. some call it love, some call it craziness, some call it chemical addiction, mental addiction... but whatever it is... it calls to them. Mebbe that's why they call it a bit similar to addiction. You'll do anything to get that high of a feeling.. you'll risk your marriage, your job, etc.. to get that high good feeling.

that's where your husband is at... i don't know to what degree he's aware of it himself, but he's starting to see the consequences of it. BUT, like any addict, though he seems the damage he's doing to himself and the ones closest to him, he also find it incredibly hard to stop... you have to see him like an addict... the lies, the anything to get that high, will come to him... he'll come to his senses from time to time, but the addiction will always be more powerful until it gets to a point where it's between choosing life or death, and only at that point, will he truly choose what he wants next. 

BUT regardless of all that, YOU have to figure out what YOU want out of your life, your relationship. That relationship you had, you've prob discovered... is gone. Destroyed. He destroyed it.

You have to figure out if there is something worth salvaging and whether he is truly at a point where he truly wants to try. Verifiable change and esp with counseling, is prob necessary.

you two, if YOU choose to, will have to figure out a new relationship... if that's possible for you two.

I'm sorry for the hurt you're going thru, but that's my perspective of where he's coming from... i'm sure there are minute differences and causes, but that's basically it, in a nut shell.

he isn't a horrible monster, he's just a flawed human being, but he's done horrible things to hurt you, and your family and the relationship.

good luck to you.

 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Corazon, it's been some time since you last posted. You seemed torn up in your opening post which, in the circumstances was to be expected. How are you doing now? As the realization of your husband's infidelity finally sinks in fully, you will be able to be more in control of your emotions and will be able to think more clear headedly. I would urge you to enrol for IC as others have suggested and in the mean time take stock of your situation and the options before you with a cool mind. Remember that the wonderful picture you painted about your husband in your opening post was not the reality but a false facade which he had created to impress you and keep you off guard. In other words it was a lie. Therefore, do not take that image of him into consideration when making any plans for the future. Remember too, that cheaters lie and your husband is not an exception. As such anything that he says does not hold water. What I am trying to say is that you are now very much on your own and all your decisions about the future will have to be guided by that fact.

I wanted to know whether you are profitably employed and if your income is sufficient to support you and your children comfortably if you were on your own? You would of course be entitled to child support if you divorce your husband. You would also be entitled to alimony depending on your current income. I hope you have avoided having sex with your husband after you got to know of his infidelity. You must also get yourself checked for STDs as your husband had been in a long term affair and very definitely did not use any protection with his AP. Five Years is a very long time, one third of your marriage and in my opinion something that would be very difficult for you to come to terms with. However, it is your life and your marriage and if, after having seriously considered all factors judiciously, you think fit that you would like to reconcile with your husband and make a go of it, then it is your decision. After such a long period of infidelity, your marriage, should you reconcile, will never be what it was before. You will never trust your husband again and he would have to move heaven and earth to gain some semblance of the trust you reposed in him before he nuked your marriage in this despicable way. It will take years before you begin to feel comfortable in the relationship with him and you will have uncomfortable feelings for a long time, including panic attacks and periodic low feelings which will abate only as time goes by. I am sorry that you have been dealt such a bad hand in your personal life but sometimes this is a challenge that life throws at us to make us stronger and dig deep within ourselves to find resources to cope which we never thought we had. Warm wishes.

Edited May 30, 2020 by Just a Guy
Correction of mistakes.